After months, the final decision had come down on Ian and Tanner. It was only then that they allowed Ian final visitation. From what he'd been told by Allen, there were a few people allowed in to visit Ian but Nathan was the only one there. Nathan wondered if Ian's family would drop by in his last moments, but he wasn't sure what he'd do if they did. That would be really awkward, but Nathan would rather they see him than not. Surely one of his parents must care about him?

Nathan was overjoyed that he could finally speak to him again, even if it would be their last conversation. His heart pounded in anticipation as the guard escorted him to a table with bench length seats on either side. It was the metal picnic table from hell and freezing when Nathan sat onto it, but that didn't matter to him. The room was open and more spacious than other visiting rooms, specially set up for last visitation.

They'd be able to touch as long as it was kept appropriate and Ian wasn't violent. It had Nathan so excited and sad that the emotions were tearing him one way and then the next as he waited for Ian to be brought in. Ian came into view, and Nathan found himself leaning on the table to get a better view of him through the windows to the corridor. Someone had trimmed his hair but not by much, just enough to keep it off his ears and forehead. In an orange jumpsuit, with chained handcuffs on both his wrists and ankles, he waddled through the door with a guard on either side of him.

"Cuffs off and final visitation is a privilege Martinez." The taller one with a bit of a potbelly said as he sat Ian down on the bench across from Nathan. "You do anything funny and you'll be taken back to your cell. Do you understand?" The guard was nothing like Allen, though his apprehension of Ian sure fit the bill. This guy had likely lost all his hair just dealing with Ian over the last few months or maybe he'd started bald. Both were possibilities.

"I understand," Ian said, and the sound of his soft voice tickled Nathan's ears. It sent a rush through him and tingled down his arms, raising the hairs on the back of his neck.

The guard nodded, undid his hand and ankle cuffs, and then turned to Nathan. "Do you want us in the room or outside the door. Last visitation allows for unsupervised visits as long as the family is comfortable."

"Outside the door is fine," Nathan said, blushing on the word family. Did Ian consider them that close, or had the man just assumed?

The men left him alone, and Nathan skittered his eyes to the table nervously for a moment before he looked up to Ian. It was worse than first date jitters, and it drew a smile on his face from how Ian would normally make fun of him. For a moment, Ian didn't look at him, but eventually, he lifted his blue eyes with tears lining them. Ian's shoulders quaked and he lost his face into his hands. Nathan wasn't sure what he'd done, or what to do, so he just sat and waited. They had time. It took Ian a moment to compose himself, and when he did, Nathan's hand was out on the table palm up.

"Hey, Ian," Nathan said, but Ian's eyes were frozen on his fingers where they were offered on the table. "You won't look at me." Nathan sighed. "Did you get a new boyfriend in lockup? I understand. I mean, I couldn't expect you to–"

"Shut the fuck up, you brat." Ian lifted his eyes and they glittered the lightest of blues as he smiled. "You know you're the only one for me." They both chuckled, but it turned into a sob at the end for Ian. Trying to compose himself, Ian rubbed his forehead and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry I couldn't protect you," Ian said, still keeping his hands from his, tucking them in themselves as if he didn't deserve to touch him.

"We've been over this," Nathan said, and Ian frowned. "Well, at least I went over this." Nathan narrowed his eyes, and Ian looked away from him to rub the back of his neck.

In the months Nathan had been restricted from seeing Ian, he must have written him a hundred letters. Once he realized he wasn't going to get in to see Ian personally, Nathan had written one every day and dropped it off at the facility.

"I wrote you back." Ian smiled, but blushed awkwardly. "I just didn't send them. I wouldn't even say they were responses anyway. Just the ramblings of a lonely gay man who made some shitty choices."

"I still would have liked to read them," Nathan said, slapping his hand on the table until Ian finally dropped his own into it. It was larger than his, as it always has been, but his grip was just as gentle as it always was. Ian's grip was firm, and though Nathan had never held his hand before, he gripped it as if it was grounding him to Earth.

"You can have them tomorrow, though I imagine it will take a while to read them all. I'm pretty sure I wrote like several a day for every day I was in here, at least after you wrote me the first letter. All the things I could possibly tell you or say to you if I wasn't..." Ian tried to smile, but it faltered and more tears slid down his face.

Tomorrow. Ian was going to be executed tomorrow.

Nathan didn't want the god damn letters. He wanted Ian. He'd take undesired kisses and sleep awkwardly next to the man for the rest of his life if it would mean that Ian didn't have to die. Hell, the distance between them now was pissing him off. Nathan took his hand back, and Ian retracted his hand defensively as Nathan stood. It was all of three steps around the table, and Nathan sat himself next to Ian and shoved himself into his side.

"Nathan, you don't have to force yourself," Ian barely whispered as he kept his hands firmly on the table

"Shut up, Ian. I want to be here, right here. Closer even if I could. Would you put your arm around my shoulders if I asked?" Before Nathan had even finished speaking, Ian wrapped an arm around his shoulders and held him to his side, using the other to shove into his eyes.

"You know, Nat," Ian spoke, rubbing away his tears. "If I'd known there was someone like you out there in the world, even if we were just always friends, I don't think I would have snapped that day. I was just lost, thought that no one would ever treat me like I was human. Shit, had I known you existed, I'd have punted those bullies for you." Ian's eyes sparkled with his protective desires.

"I'm afraid without the pen that I'd have treating you like everyone else." Nathan let out a sigh as he looked to him, but Ian just ran his hand up the side of his head and tickled his hair as he held him.

"No, Nathan. You don't have that in you. Spite, rejection, hate, you couldn't come up with those if someone gave you a manual, kid. Your heart is too soft. Perhaps at first, I would have frightened you, but it would have been the same in the end. I know for a fact."

"I wish I had your confidence in me." Nathan rubbed his eyes as more tears bubbled up.

"I saw you on the TV." Ian muttered, and Nathan's stomach really did a turn.

The camera crews had been at his hearing. That disgusting farce of testimony that was supposed to show the horrors he had endured at the pen. Meeting Ian's eyes, he swallowed awkwardly at the chilling, light-blue that used to terrify him. It was so calm now, where Nathan had expected some sort of anger or betrayal.

"It's all right, Nathan. I know those words were coached. They had Maggie's cold, dead heart written all over them. I liked seeing your face. It meant you were alive. They weren't so forthcoming on the information when I asked. Half the guards thought I was creeping on you."

"I won't be silent forever." Nathan said. "After this all blows over, I will be telling my true feelings on all of this. Even if people hate and despise me, or call me corrupted, I'll tell anyone that will listen how kind you all were to me. You cared for me, even though at the time, I was a naïve child, and for that, I can never repay you."

"Nat." Ian let out a breath that ended in a chuckle, running his hand up the back of his head and messing up his hair. "I don't care what they think. You can say whatever you want to anyone you want, and I won't feel a word of it. The only thing that ever mattered to me was what was in your heart.

"Even through all your cowering and wary stares, I knew I was slowly melting it. I'm just that sort of person–the kind that likes to win. I wanted you to feel something for me, even if I said that I didn't. Inside, I guess I was craving it, a connection to another human being that was mine alone."

Ian tucked his arm around Nathan's neck and pulled him in closer to rest his chin on his hair as he held him. This was the last time Ian would be touched by anyone save a guard, and Nathan couldn't bear for it to be one sided. When Ian held him, Nathan slipped an arm around his lower back and held him back tightly.

"I love you," Ian said into his hair. "And you love me. That is enough. Even if it isn't the same love, and we are only awkward friends at best, I'm happy. Life is cruel to some people, testing their limits until they break and crumble away. To me, it was especially, but in the end, it had grace enough to give me one person I found joy in spending time with.

"I don't consider it a cruel tease to dangle what I could have had in front of me as my life is taken away. I like to think of it as something that opened my eyes, showing me that there are people in this world who aren't cruel. That way, when I say my farewells and pass on, it isn't as a broken, desolate man who had no one."

"Ian..." Nathan couldn't stop the tears and he used his remaining hand to clutch Ian's prison shirt. Though he had been trying not to let them fall, Ian's words raked agony through him. "I don't want to lose you." It was a hushed rasp as he pressed his forehead on his chest.

"I don't want to lose me either. You know how absorbed I am in myself."

Dammit, Ian.

Nathan couldn't stop the laughter that shook him, and Ian echoed it more quietly, hugging him with both of his arms. One wrapped around his side and the other curled around his neck and left Ian with his hand cradling his head. Nathan lifted his chin and their eyes met. Seeing them this close, with amusement and playfulness in them, tore at Nathan's soul, but it also calmed him.

Every fleck of brighter blue reminded him of each time that Ian had held him close, whether smothering or protecting him. It brought warmth up his neck and into his shoulders as the goosebumps rose on his skin. It was going to be terrible when those eyes finally closed for the last time, extinguishing the man who had been by his side through the toughest part of his life. All of the kindness and concern Ian had held for him, and each and every snide look or challenging flick of his gaze–they would all vanish.

Ian was going to disappear.

What was he supposed to do?

"Breathe," Ian said, threading his fingers through his hair and massaging his scalp so tightly that Nathan has to shake his hand off. "I'm supposed to be the one panicking, not you. Just relax. I have extended time to talk today. You can literally sit here for hours and talk about nonsense. No reason to get worked up so badly now."

"I know," Nathan sighed as he lifted his face off of him, but Ian tucked it right back.

"Does this not bother you?" Ian asked, constricting his arms around him before taking a deep breath into his hair.

"I thought I hated this, this closeness with a guy," Nathan admitted, relaxing into him. "But then they took it away and I felt so cold. I know you gave me a lot of shit, but you also coddled me more than I realized. I've been on my own with the courts, my mother trying to get to know me again, all my friend isolated from me, and all I wanted was this. I missed you so much."

"Shit, kid,' Ian groaned as he squished him into his hard chest and Nathan gasped. "They might not notice if I cop a feel," Ian smirked, and Nathan leered at him. After a silent moment, they both chuckled. "Those words almost make up for them rejecting my first final meal request."

"What did you write down to eat that they..." Nathan trailed off as Ian's smile was so wide that his canines shined. Heat crept into Nathan's ears and he ran a hand over his face. "You did not."

"You know I did." Ian licked his lips lewdly. "Guard tore it up and didn't come back for a day. I thought they'd starve me in the end, but the just gave me another sheet and asked me to seriously write something down. Damn prick, I was serious."

"What did you choose?" Nathan asked curiously, needing any conversation to distract him from his internal thoughts.

"Paella. Wrote the recipe down. It's something my mother cooked for me all the time you know. Reminds me of the family I used to have, and also the first day we ate in the kitchen together. You stared at that plate like there were snakes under the rice." Ian chuckled, and Nathan had to rub the tears away again. "Can I tell you something? Just something I need to get off my chest while I'm... alive?"

"Yeah, anything." Nathan answered, granted in a choked breath as he tried to contain himself.

"I...I never planned to be a murderer," Ian said quietly, his eyes darkening to near the grey of Ricks. "I didn't go to my apartment to kill him. I'm just not that way. I wanted to yell at him, punch him maybe, but... then I saw them going at it on the bed we had bought together, and something in me broke, I guess. I cracked some stupid statuette over my ex's head, and he just fell. I had really loved him, and with him dead, my rage just got the better of me and I didn't see a reason to leave the other pissant lying around. By the time I understood what my rage had done, there was blood pretty much everywhere."

Nathan didn't know what to say, and so he just remained in silence, but he lifted his hand and touched Ian's fingers that had stopped moving in his hair. Ian dropped them to his control, and Nathan wrapped his fingers in his, squeezing to let him know that he was still here even if he couldn't speak.

"Nathan, when you walk out of here, just put one foot in front of the other." Ian whispered against his hair. "I know it'll be rough, but you have to push forward. I don't want to be the one that trips you. You have your whole life to live. Make some goals, okay kid?" Ian prompted, turning his face up to him. "Small things at first, just getting out of bed, eating, going for walks. I know this will be hard, but I'll be with you every step of the way.

"Even if I was just a blip on the radar, know that I'll always be there for you. It's your job to make sure that it's not as a rock tied to your ankle. Don't let me take you down with me, please. I need to know that you're going to keep going. Please."

"I will," Nathan said when he realized Ian needed that answer. "What about you though? You don't get to have goals, things to look forward to."

"Don't think that way. I have aspirations too. I'm going for a Guinness record later. Gonna see how many times I can jerk it in one night. I hear at a certain point that will kill a man, and that beats the needle, doesn't it?"

"Ian," Nathan ground his teeth, but he couldn't stop the laughter. It kept going until tears slid from his eyes. In that moment, Ian turned back and hugged him with both of his arms, absorbing him into the shape of his body. "I knew you couldn't make it more than a half of an hour without making something awkward." Nathan sputtered into his side.

"I have quotas to meet," Ian replied with a laugh that shook his body against him. "One more thing because I never got to say it with everything that went down. Thank you for kissing me." Ian lifted Nathan's face up and both of their cheeks colored pink in an instant. "Whatever girl you end up better be a hell of a kisser though, or you'll never forget how skilled I am."

"Shut up," Nathan shoves him, but with no real intent to split them apart.

"I hope you find someone real nice, you know?" Ian said in a calmer more serious tone. "Someone who doesn't take your kindness for granted and returns it in full. Don't you accept anything less, okay?"

"I won't," Nathan said with a strange crinkle of his features. "I'm not sure that will be for a while though."

"Yeah, I know. You have some things to work through, me aside."

"I don't think anyone can compare to the man who would willingly take a bullet for me. Why did you do that?" Nathan asked, twiddling his fingers, and Ian smiled and it took over his features, softening them before Ian let out a slow sigh and craned his eyes to the ceiling.

"You gave me something that no one else did. Not your friendship, or the way you put up with my shit, or even how you wanted me in your world with your friends. I would have defended you for any one of those things, but you gave me something more, something I needed before I could say goodbye without regret. This."

Ian lifted Nathan's chin, held it firmly but gently in his fingers, and dropped his face so close to his that their foreheads touched. Unsure what was going on, Nathan at first looked into his light eyes as they waited for something, but his nervousness had him darting around Ian's fae and then blushing from the closeness. Ian laughed in his face, and moved to run his nose down his cheek and lay the lightest kiss on his skin.

"It's the look in your eyes, Nathan, that reverent fucking affection for me as a friend. Behind everyone's eyes there had always been something, disappointment, regret, loathing. Each emotion tainted people's perception of me, made them see what they wanted to see more than what was there. Only you took me as I was, hated me for my shitty aspects, but loved me for the good ones. You might not like me all the time, but you see me.

"That's all I ever wanted, someone to know I was there, and accept what I was as a person, not as a representation of my labels. There is no getting past the ones that define me, but others slip through the cracks.

"I'm a rapist

"A murderer

"A criminal

"A homosexual

"A man

"Someone's son

"Your friend

"A single cog that wasn't shaped for the machine it was built into.

"You're the only one who took the time to adjust the mechanisms, find a place that I could still function along with the others, finally really fit in and function. It would have never been possible if you'd looked away. If you'd let just one of those layers of dust bury me, and for that I will be grateful to my last breath.

"Thank you so fucking much for seeing me, Nathan."

Word count: 3518 -- Edited July 15th, 2020