I hadn't been invited, more accurately, the last call from Junith was on the cruel 17th where the information of a farewell party ran across the wires of our phone lines and on to my ear.

Naturally, I assumed my position, as this nameless entity in her life and decided that there was no pleasure for her by being present in her scenery.

Even after acquiring that concrete cynical believe that she didn't want to see me, I ended up at her house at a casual hour of 9 where upon my entrance turned no special, concerned eyes of the present men and women.

Everyone in the feast knew her and I was acquainted with some of them, no one special in particular but took the chance of making small talks with this woman or the tiresome couple who looked distant from each other with a polite formal interest in me.

The music had let midnight linger in and by that hour, some became a bit too tipsy, someone a bit too teary as they hung around near Junith. Farewell hugs, kisses, well wishes and happy promises were all being made at the mouth of the apartment door of Junith till the well suited crowd, drunk in excitement and benevolent in love departed on the few sleepy cars under the strong street lamps.

She exhausted a few more quiet smiles and pondered over the present perspective before I was awarded a slice of her attention when she leaned against the door to hear my offerings.

" I'm sorry for not bringing a farewell gift. I was not even planning on dropping by. " It started of jovially then a sudden word began to wither what I intended to say.

" It's alright. " She answered instantly and unstuck herself from the door to the freedom of pacing on the open space. " They bought so many things, I don't think I need to buy mugs for a year. " Her smile harbored the grateful tone and it stayed there without fading out.

" Aren't people nice, Dion? " She halted in front and gleamed down on my dim lit face whilst I was lost gazing at her. Not in an intrusive way since the wriggling anticipation of a question that was being tossed in my mind couldn't let anything matter.

" Yes. They are nice. They all love you so. " I replied without interest when an unconvincing smile plastered on my face before I started to ask the right questions.

" Did you already finish with Carson? " I asked coarsely and her smile was momentarily taken back before it was reproduced again.

" Yes. He was kind enough to give me a few books to read too. " Junith answered in the same tone, an unusual artificiality was dripping out of everything she was saying.

" To be honest, I was. . .well a little biased about seeing marriage counselors but Dr. Carson isn't like the common things I heard from here and there. " Her excited voice flourished the silent air as her shoes kept clicking back and forth, almost like the restlessness of her own mind which I could comprehend without further thought.

" But you have been a big help. Finding Dr. Carson and keeping this a secret. Lately, I know how much people like to gossip because they find other's pain so . . . entertaining. "

" Thank you, Dion. I knew it was too much to ask from strangers. . .well now we are friends . . . but "

I was not enjoying a single word that fell out of her mouth. In fact, it labeled me more since I did not say the things I planned on.

My faint disposition, at undoubted unease and worry along with silence turned her attention in a moment's play when the clicking of her shoes came to a stop.

The inaudible howling of a pop record that played again and again relentlessly tinged onto my mind when she sat down in the step beside, only professing a bundle of concern for the wrong creature.

" Is everything alright? You look a little pale. "

" Shouldn't I be the one asking you if you are fine? "

She desired to throw a hint of a silly joke in her words but the smile halted into an ajar mouth as she drew away with the daily lies.

" Why wouldn't I be? I know I'll miss New York . . . not the traffic. And I'll finally get rid of the childish homesickness. "

" You will be home. I admit. But you won't be happy. Because you are still not sure about your marriage. "

I gazed back at her right before the toxic words slowly foamed out of my lips and onto her ears. Regret came a moment later when the hollow air was being desperately filled with lost tunes of a repetitive song, she shot out of her graceful pose as the end of the blue frock slapped the air.

" Why do you always have to say the unpleasant things? Can't you give it a rest, Dion? "

It would be an understatement to say she was frustrated and I was not in place to blame her for her lack of self restrain since she spent rest of her time thinking about the elephant in the room rather than talking about it.

" It's unpleasant but is it not true? "

" So just because it's true, we always have to talk about it? "

" I'm not interested in the weather. And I don't find lies to be worth anything. Lies are overrated. We always lie too much. "

" I understand you being a lawyer and very professional about. . . "

" It's not about that. I'm being your friend and trying to be. . . "

" My friends don't act like you. "

" Because they know nothing of you. Like I do. "

We both lost our air right before she threw a few words at me. " It's always a war with you. "

She moved uneasily with a loud gasp and instantly my glum increased to imagine she was leaving but yet she didn't as her blue frock fluttered under the damp corridor light and away from a conclusion.

" It's not a war, Junith. It's just me. "

" So what about Percy and Jordan? They are happy, aren't they? "

" They are happy because they aren't seeing marriage counselors behind each other's back. "

To grant remorse now, was to take a bad route in this debate, since in the next morning and the morning after that, this puzzle, problem, fusion of a simple fallout and a single misdemeanor would float away from me without a satisfactory end.

" Now you are blaming me, for listening to you? "

" I am not. I never did. It was the right thing to do. "

" But you were implying all along. "

" I did because I care about this thing . . . about you . . . enough not to give you . . .silly picture frames and . . . mugs. "

" Why do you care so much then? "

" I don't like my job. All I do in my office is hand tissue boxes and marriage counselors cards. And all I do is try to settle closure by materialistic possessions in the most vulnerable times of people's lives. "

Her frustrated disposition disappeared as her crossed arm slowly fell gently down her waist, as if she had heard a profound confession.

Indeed, it was. It was the truest, most honest thing I ever told anyone in this brutal hour of my life known as after 30.

" I'm trying . . . Dion. I'm doing all I know. Or learned. "

The coarseness of her voice had drained away and left the soothing, tender ballad that bathed in a sea of hopelessness.

" I know you are. But I'm afraid if you learn how to fake it, that's what you'll always do . . . because it's easier. "

" Doesn't everyone fake it now and then? Doesn't everyone pretend? "

" We are all pretenders. Just do yourself a favor and don't join our masquerade. "

" I'm just sick and tired of this. Of this endless arguments. Of lying to myself. "
" You're just afraid. There's just a ray of relief since you admit that you are not crazy. Because I see the same thing as you. But then you feel scared because if we both see it, then it must be real. "

" And look how nothing came out if it. "

No words were crafted by me nor her since she decided to solve the agonizing problem of her on the mouth of her door and I felt the only comfort I could find in stealing a few glances in and out.

The record brokered to an end and we were dropped onto a deadly haunting silence before it found its way back to repeat.

" It's midnight. " She spoke and the syllables traveled to me when I was a few short feet away but felt like the hollow sound at the end of a tunnel.

" You shouldn't be alone. " I declared then let the silence kill the request.

" I should leave. "

I accepted the sign as I stood up.

She wasted no time in a farewell but entered her temporary home whilst the door left a gap, just letting out a shimmer of invitation, a request or an aching as I returned.

It wasn't the primal urge to bathe in a bed bath since I had no intention to lose her as a friend as well let my numb happiness sail away to a faraway distant memory. In fact, to be honest and nothing less of it, it was the selfish desire of being held rather than hold, of being loved rather than love, of feeling joy rather than being happy.

But I knew that Graham was not planning to make a return and I saw her words flicker across the musty smell of the corridor light as nothing came out of nothing.

" Will you ever be back? " I asked the question to no one as no one was there anymore but her face popped up to block the luster.

" Why? "
" There is no reason. I just want to keep seeing you around. "

" Goodbye, Dion. "