chapter thirty-one, to be able to

LAVENDER FELT HORRIBLE ABOUT THIS. Jesper as well. Their father clearly agreed to be in this situation just because they both were stuck. Their father was a good person, and he loved his children more than anything because he had no one else. The idea of losing them was unbearable to him, and that's why he put himself in danger without thinking. No wonder where Jesper got his behaviour from.

     When they finished talking about the auction, expressing their worries, and understanding how auctions work in Ketterdam, they decided to rest for a few hours while Kaz saw through the nooks and crannies of what could go wrong and what tactics they should choose. It was clear that they needed a bigger crew for this to work. He needed to talk to Per Haskell to get his crew back.

     "Could it be a possibility that Pekka Rollins doesn't remember my mother?" Lavender asked as Kaz and her were in the bathroom as she just finished retreating his wounds to avoid infection. "My last name is on the certificate."

     "It could be. We don't know if he only has an interest in you because you're my..." he hesitated, "you have my name. Or if you remind him of someone from the past."

     Lavender noticed how displeased he was by the thought of calling her his wife. It made her chuckle. She closed the glass jar with the ointment, moving away from him. "This is our advantage. I talked with Nina. She said there was a Tailor amongst the others in the Ravkan embassy. If they could fix my eye, I could make sure Pekka will see someone he wishes to forget."

     Kaz liked to play dirty, especially when it involved Pekka Rollins. He had to ignore the fact that his heart almost burst out of his chest when she told him this. It was true, Lavender looked exactly like her mother. If she would do her hair and wear the colourful patterns – Pekka Rollins wouldn't understand what was coming for him.

     Kaz has been planning revenge for all his life. He lived for it. And by any means, he didn't know what his life was without revenge. Ketterdam was built on backstabbing and broken bones. As far as he knew, there could never be enough pain, but he was getting so close to getting what he promised to himself and to Jordie.

     And to share that revenge with her? Only Ghezen knew what revenge truly meant for Kaz. His heart was easily swayed by a bit of violence.

    "The Kaelish Prince," Kaz simply said.

     Lavender frowned. She remembers that day when she realized that Pekka Rollins was the same person she had been looking for all along. Right in front of 'The Kaelish Prince' – Pekka's establishment. "What about it?"

     "Pekka Rollins - a prince?" There was a hint of irony in his tone.

     The confusion was quickly washed away with a wave of pure disgust. "Oh, Saints... He has a son?!"

      "Pekka would never call himself less than a king."

      "Father of the fucking year," she gritted out, shaking her head. "If we could—if he actually has a son... This could be the diversion we need during the auction."

     Lavender couldn't believe that there was another child, or Saints know how many, made by that evil man. She almost felt sorry for the kid for having this kind of a father and it angered her even more that for the boy, Pekka Rollins decided to take up the father role, while he plunged his knife into his daughter and her mother.

     "Would you put a child in danger?" Kaz gently tilted his head.

      He knew how dangerous Lavender could be. As much as he tried to protect her, he had seen her handy with her guns, with her punches. She fought with a chuckle, sometimes with a smirk and it was a pleasant thing to see for a deranged man like he was. Even with her violent side, she was a better person than him by far. He has done far more terrible things.

     "I feel sorry for the son..." She admitted, her eyes focused on the counter. "But—isn't this perfect?" Her eyes glistened as she clasped her hands. "Do you think he is trying to repent for his mistakes with the boy?"

     Kaz enjoyed seeing her like that. "He'll never be able to repent for what he has done."

     "If you'll be able to strip him away from all his money, his men, his contracts... You do know that he'll never stop trying until he gets back at you? Gets back at us?" Lavender asked, understanding why Kaz didn't want to offer Pekka death. She was sure that he could've killed him a long time ago.

     The man moved away from the counter, his lips curling into a terrifying smirk. It made him seem like a madman. "That's all I want to see. To see him try countless times until he'll realise that there's nothing he can do. Nowhere to go. And then... Suffering. Suffering until his old body will start to rot away."

      Lavender stared at him with wide eyes, not used to this kind of violence coming from him. But it eased her heart. Pekka Rollins deserved it more than anyone else. He meddled with all of their lives. She shook herself out of her thoughts, hugging herself. "He'll get what he deserves."

      Kaz took off his gloves, turned around to the sink and turned the tap open, water bursting through it. He pushed his hands underneath it and then ran his fingers though his hair to keep it away from his face. "I need to get to Per Haskell."

     "Alone?" Her voice heightened.

     "They were once my men." He dried his hands, putting his gloves back on.

     The woman furrowed her eyebrows. "They won't get back to you because they don't want to get on the bad side of this whole damn city. Do you hear how this sounds, Kaz?"

     Kaz turned to her, feeling the little pang of guilt in his chest. She was worried. He loathed it when she was worried for him. It felt like everything inside of him was flipped inside out, all of him on display as soon as he would see that worried little furrow between her eyebrows.

     "I'll go with you," she decided, tying her hair back with the ribbon.

     "I'm doing this alone. What do you think will happen when they'll see you? If you'd showed up with me, you'd be the little flashy toy everyone wants to get." Kaz reminded her.

     "I can fight," she bit back. "You're writing yourself a death sentence," she moved her shoulders up in frustration.

     "You can barely breathe," he grumbled.

     Lavender bit her tongue, squinting her eyes as she looked at him. She took a step closer to him, her red heels hitting the marble floor. "Kaz," her voice was silky, made from the softest dreams as her irritated expression softened, "let's say you'd go out there and not die... If I'd see another bruise on you—Saints forbid you'd need stitches or a few ribs would break..." Her soft voice was lulling, but her words were a threat as she took a few steps closer to close the gap between them as she raised her eyes to meet his. "I wouldn't be mad, no..." She shook her head. "I'd simply mess with your nerves. Only I haven't decided if I'd make you fall asleep or paralyse your body waist down."

     Kaz never thought he would find himself in this kind of situation. Gazing down at the sweet-talking woman with her threats, he had to stop himself from smiling. She was threatening him. Threatening to paralyse him. "Do I get to choose which one I'd like?"

     Squinting her eyes, she shook her head. She couldn't believe him. So stubborn! Taking a step back, she placed her hands on her waist, shaking her head gently. "You talked about that you can't lose me again... Don't you see that this works both ways? I'd never forgive myself if something would happen to you!"

     And the guilt blossomed in his chest – it was an odd feeling. At the same time, he lived every day with guilt, inhaling and exhaling every given moment for the people he had lost. But this guilt was different. It was easy to feel guilt for people who weren't there, to think about what could have been done differently. But to look in the eyes and feel that dreadful feeling... He didn't deserve to be cared about and to look in her eyes and to see her pain caused by him.

     "That's the only way," he said and took his cane, going towards the door, but she quickly got in his way, pressing her back against the door.

     She pushed the cane further from her to keep her distance from him. "We just talked about the grand revenge you've been brewing your whole life... Can't do that when you're dead, can you?" She tried to knock some sense into him.

     But Kaz was stubborn and when he had his mind set on something, there wasn't a way to talk him out of it. "I know what's at stake," he said, looking at her. "Those men were brought by me. They just need a little reminder on who's the boss."

     "I'll kill you if I'll have to stitch you up again," she disagreed.

     Only her statement, just like her previous threat almost made him smile. "You're my medik, that's your job."

     Rolling her eyes, she clashed her teeth together in frustration. It was as if talking to a wall. She stormed out of the bathroom, completely missing out the fact that Kaz smiled behind her, looking the way her curls bounced away from him.

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     IT WAS NERVE-WRACKING to wait for Kaz to return. Before he left, he talked with Inej about the best way to approach the Slat, knowing he could not just walk on the streets. Even if he left alone, Inej soon followed to make sure nothing bad would happen.

     And all of them had to rest given this time, knowing well that when Kaz will come back, bursting with adrenaline rush, their already unbelievable plan will become even worse.

     Matthias and Nina were resting on the couch as Kuwei was in the piano room. Jesper was in the bedroom, speaking with Colm and Wylan was drinking some coffee, looking out of the window. Aleksej and Lavender were on the mattress as she was sitting with her back pressed against the wall, Aleksej's head her the shoulder as he was dozed off.

     The huge exposure to Jurda Parem and the loss of his powers always made him feel exhausted. He was lucky to be alive, but he felt lifeless, without energy. He understood what a big part of him was the Grisha one. How much he should've cherished it and not played around.

     Lavender was gently stroking his curls, looking out of the small gap between the window and the curtain, looking at the sky. She remembered the time when she was travelling with the Healers, when she met Aleksej.

     A memory sat at the back of her head how on the stormy nights, when they would just try to wait them out in some abandoned barns and houses, both couldn't sleep. She was petrified of the loud noises and Aleksej was always there to scare her just a bit more.

     But one time, Aleksej talked her into running around the field in the middle of the storm, while everyone else was sleeping. They were running around in the rain, splashing around in the little puddles as the lightning was brightening the sky.

     The boy has always had a head full of untamed curls. No matter how he washed them and brushed them, they stood however they wished to. But that night, his curls suddenly rose up, turning into very small and frizzy ones, making his face drop.

     Aleksej ran back screaming and she followed him screaming even louder as the lightning hit the tree right beside them. All the other Healers got woken up, afraid someone got hurt. But they soon saw two petrified children and one with hair standing up straight.

     From that night, Aleksej never dared to scare her during the stormy nights and always urged them both to go to sleep.

     The memory made her smile, remembering a bit of childish foolishness and happiness. Aleksej was a good kid, and her heart ached for him that he was captured by Fjerdans for so long. Her father has already told her that Aleksej wishes to go with them to the farm and that he has agreed to it. Aleksej deserved to have a peaceful life.

     "Hey, kid, you alright?" Lavender quietly asked Wylan.

     The kid placed his coffee down, making her feel as if she was looking at Kaz. Wylan has definitely picked up a bit of his mannerisms. "So you can tell I'm Wylan, huh?"

     Furrowing her eyes in confusion, she gently tilted her head. "What's wrong?"

     Wylan looked bitter. He hesitantly stood up and walked to the mattress where she was and sat down beside her. Lavender gently pushed Aleksej's head off her shoulder and softly placed it on the mattress as she sat down closer to Wylan.

     "I'm tired of looking like this," Wylan admitted.

     Lavender softly smiled, gently running her fingers through his black hair, remembering his soft orange curls. "I miss your face as well, Wylan. But we can definitely tell you apart. Your stance is different, the way you sit, the way you walk."

     Wylan looked down, biting the inside of his cheek. "Not—everyone can tell me apart."

     "Oh." Her face dropped. "Jesper?"

     It seemed she guessed it right. Wylan almost twitched from hearing his name and he found himself twisting and turning the hem of his shirt. "He kissed Kuwei."

     Lavender's jaw dropped, eyes widening. "Oh..." She shook her head and closed her eyes for a second. "Listen... I might sound like I'm on his side just because I'm his sister, but... He actually likes you and knowing his character he has a bit of a hard time expressing it. I know for a fact he doesn't feel anything towards Kuwei."

     Hurt glistened in his eyes. "I don't think he can tell us apart."

     "No..." Lavender pushed her arm around Wylan's shoulders. "I'm sure he feels bad about it. Jesper doesn't care about Kuwei the way he does about you... Jesper is used to doing everything quickly, he can't sit in one spot, and he is always pacing around... And that's when he doesn't properly think about something, and he acts out of impulse. I really hope he'll pull himself together and admit his mistake. And I hope you'll be able to forgive him."

     Wylan looked down and leaned to the right, placing his head on Lavender's shoulder. Letting out a huge sigh, his shoulders slumped, and she hugged him tightly. Lavender gently said, "Feelings are hard on their own. Having a whole city against us is not making it any easier. But don't you ever think we can't tell you apart. Your face doesn't make who you are, it's what is inside you."

     The guy nodded, leaning into the motherly touch she offered him. He hasn't felt loved in so many years. Thrown out by his father with the thought that his mother was dead. All to find out that she was alive, but she was unwell – she didn't remember him. All his life Wylan wanted to find a purpose, to not be alone and to be loved. To have a family that would love him just the way he was, that he wouldn't have to pretend to be someone he wasn't. At the end of the day, he was just a kid, left by his father to die.

      And he finally found his family between outcasts and criminals, and he would never change them for anything.

     "Thank you," Wylan whispered, hugging Lavender.

     The woman heard someone walk into the room and she looked back to she Jesper. The tall guy looked really guilty, understanding what the two were talking about.

     "Hey, Wylan... Can we talk privately?" Jesper awkwardly called him out.

     Wylan hesitantly pulled away from Lavender and gave her a sad look, before standing up and disappearing with Jesper in the master bedroom.

     Nina stirred in her place, propping herself on her elbow to look at Lavender. "I actually can see why Kaz loves you," she said out of the blue, making Lavender turn her head at her with surprise.

     Lavender rose from the mattress and took Wylan's armchair, sitting closer to the Heartrender. "Loves me?" She couldn't believe it, knowing well that Kaz would never admit it out loud.

     "I always thought he—no," Nina shook her head, "I actually never thought he'd love anyone. He seems like he only thinks about revenge and being one step ahead everyone."

     "He's still a human."

     "He's Kaz Brekker," Nina corrected her.

     Lavender pushed her knees up, hugging them to her chest, placing her cheek on the knees. She gently sighed, closing her eyes. "Do you really think he loves me?"

     "Oh," she sat down, waving her hand dismissively. "I knew this ever since we got on that forbidden ship to Fjerda. Even if I lost my powers now, I still feel certain things. The heart never lies." Nina looked back at Matthias, pulling the blanket over him.

     "I just hope he'll be alright," she mumbled.

     "It's Kaz Brekker we're talking about. He can't die."

     With those words, the main door opened and Kaz Brekker appeared in the suite, his face and shirt drenched in blood, breathing heavily as Inej followed right behind him. Two more people followed them, she hadn't seen them before, but it only meant that Kaz achieved what he had planned to do.

     Lavender rose on her feet, her heart falling on the ground. Worry crippled its way through her body, feeling so foolish. At least he was alive, but her heart broke seeing him wounded. If she could take the pain away, she'd do it in a heartbeat. She was dying anyway.

     Exhaling, she tied her hair tightly and walked towards the bathroom, knowing he'd follow her. Oh, how she wished this whole situation would end up soon. To be free to walk around those bloody streets without having to fear everyone. To not see Kaz wounded. To finally be able to see him breathe out in peace even just for a second.

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     A BROKEN NOSE. A split lip. One eye swollen shut. A wound on the eyebrow. Approximately three broken ribs. A sprained knee.

Lavender was working with her mouth shut even if her hands desperately itched to beat him up herself. The wound on the eyebrow was deep and needed to be stitched. As she handed him a towel wrapped with ice to put on his nose, she got a needle out and some herbs.

Kaz was sitting on a chair that she could properly stitch his wound. He could feel her anger and her worry towards him, and it was making him feel nervous. He didn't like it when she was silent. He couldn't read her properly, but he knew she wanted to kill him. He just wanted her to yell at him, to hit him, to just tell him anything.

Lavender poured a good amount of herb mixture into his other hand. "Chew," she ordered. She took the needle with the threat, grabbing a little cloth drenched in alcohol. Without any warning, she dabbed the cloth around the wound, feeling his body jerk up and freeze. She slowly moved over the wound, cleaning all the blood that had already started to dry around the edges. Throwing that little cloth in the sink, she gently moved the needle as a warning that she was about to start.

Kaz started to chew on the herbs, feeling the unpleasant taste fill up his mouth. Quickly, he felt the needle pierce his skin and he exhaled, holding the ice against his nose tighter. He felt how Lavender was trying to work as quickly as she could, her hands skilfully moving over his skin and soon, she finished the last knot, cutting off the thread. Letting his body relax, he finally swallowed those tremendous herbs and closed his eyes.

He had to give her something. He had to offer her something.

As she cleaned his wound again, his silent voice reached her: "Jordie died of plague."

Lavender froze in her actions, but she didn't look down at him, not knowing how to react. She threw the used cloth in the sink, grabbing a wet cloth to clean the blood around his swollen eye.

Kaz hesitated for a second, not feeling ready to feel that pain being said out loud. He has lived all his life with the pain buried inside of him, in his mind, turning it into his own demon. And to say it out loud? He never thought he'd be talking about his brother ever again.

Taking a deep breath, he continued, "I got sick as well. After him. We were stuck underneath the bridge by the entrance, not being able to move. I don't know how many days have passed, but Jordie was getting worse."

Her gentle taps on his skin with the cloth slowed down, indicating that she was listening.

"One day I woke up in the sea on a pile of dead bodies. I don't know why or how my body survived the plague. It was night, but the moon was shining so bright that I soon saw my brother's eyes underneath me. Wide. Stuck with pain. Unmoving..." His voice turned into a whisper, so he took a moment to gather himself. Lavender moved away, her hand with the cloth slightly shaking, but he couldn't meet her eyes. "I didn't have the strength to swim. I floated to the shore on my brother's—on Jordie's body. I kept thinking to myself that it wasn't real. That Jordie couldn't be dead. But once I reached the shore, the pain disappeared and all—all I could think was that I survived for a reason. For revenge."

Kaz cleared his throat, gently shaking his head as if to wake himself from the nightmare. Pushing the towel on his lap, he finally managed to raise his head to look at Lavender, who was silently shedding tears. Her wide eyes were full of grief, both for him and Jordie.

"I can't touch people because I see him. I see Jordie everywhere."

Lavender felt sick. All these times when she treated him, when she touched his skin she brought up the death of Jordie upon him. And everything made sense. As she looked at Kaz Brekker, she understood everything about him – the look in his eyes, the insatiable hunger for revenge, the desperate need to survive, the distance from everyone. He lost his brother, to whom he looked up so, in such a terrifying way, carrying the image of his lifeless body at every turn of his way.

And there was nothing she could say. Neither pity nor tears won't help him feel any better. Nothing will ease the pain from Jordie's lifeless body. She couldn't help him. She couldn't ease his pain. She would do anything to take that burden from him and place it inside of her so he could live without looking back at the shadows.

Lavender slowly sat down on the floor, feeling that her legs wouldn't be able to hold her anymore. She clenched that bloody cloth in her palm, taking a few minutes to calm down. "The past will never leave you. As much as we would like to leave it all behind. Jordie will always be there because he was the person you loved the most. I just hope that every time you see his lifeless body, you'll also be able to remember him alive. He was such a—lively person, optimistic and brave. He would have done anything to protect you, but you two had to grow up too fast."

Kaz averted his eyes to the marble floor, blinking a bit quicker, giving her a nod. He knew that he wouldn't ever be able to forget that day when he lost everything he had. But that didn't mean that Jordie's shadow only brought him pain.

"Do you remember how he would cheat in the most ridiculous way when we would play cards?" Lavender gently smiled, the memory appearing in front of her. "One time he wore this long-sleeved white button up and you could—you could see the cards underneath his sleeves just shining through." She chuckled, shaking her head. "And when you'd point out to him that he was being unfair, he'd bite back at you that at least he could do a few magic tricks... And the look on your face—Saints! You were so offended by it, spending nights practising those silly tricks just to prove that he was wrong."

Kaz remembered it clearly. At the round kitchen table, they would sit around playing various games and reading, having dinners and little cupcakes with some tea. The way Jordie would grin when Kaz would be offended and Jordie would even stick his tongue out at him. At those moments, Jordie was just a kid, without any responsibilities. At those moments, they were all just kids, having fun and bickering. The memory made him chuckle, a smile tugging painfully on his lips.

Lavender moved a bit closer to him, dragging herself on the floor as she pushed her knees to her chest, looking at him and noticing his smile. "I'm so sorry for touching you, Kaz. I never wanted to be a reason for you to feel more pain."

He raised his head, his smile slowly falling as he looked at her. She could never ignite more pain in him. She was the person he had wished to have all these years. A person to share his pain with. To share everything he had. "I want..." He started, but his voice trailed off. It was so hard to feel the vulnerability overtake him whole, making him feel as if he was the weakest person in the world. "I want to be able to touch you." He needed to touch her as his mind was yearning for her, for the love that was stored in her heart for him. All those feelings for him.

He understood that it wouldn't be easy, he understood that he couldn't offer her anything more than just time for him to get better if that was even an option. But he wanted to get better. He wanted to touch her hand without the fear that the floating body would surround him, and he'll drown again. He wanted to gently touch her hair and softly braid it so that he could forget the shitty world around him. Desperately, he wished to pull her close and get lost in her warmth, in the sweet scent of lavender.

Even if he wished to be emotionless, he was just a human. And just like any other, he wished to love and be loved.

"I'll be beside you, Kaz, for as long as I can," she promised, her glistering eyes filled with truth. And he believed her. He believed her without any doubts. She softly smiled, standing up, "Let me finish treating you so you can get some rest."

In the next twenty minutes, Lavender took care of his ribs, but this time she tried not to touch him. With slightly pink cheeks she watched him take off his shirt, inspecting his ribs from afar. Giving him a roll of bandage, she instructed him where to start rolling it around, only grabbing to tighten it at the back properly. She noticed that his skin was splattered with various scars, from old ones to new ones. She even saw a tattooed R over his heart. Even if he was a man without a past on the streets, he always carried himself and his brother right above his heart.

Lavender instructed him to rest for a few moments since almost all of him had to be emerged underneath ice. She threw his bloodied shirt in the sink, watching him stand up. She quickly prepared a mixture for his leg, putting some more ice in the towels to place on him when he would lay down. As she turned around, she almost choked on her spit because even if she was professional, she couldn't really handle seeing him shirtless.

He was lean, a bit malnourished, but his stance was straight, his shoulders getting wider, and his arms were muscular – a result of years and years of fighting. Lavender managed to avert her eyes to his face, trying not to sound flustered. "After you rest, you'll be able to get the ointment on your knee. But please spare at least a few hours to lie down. You'll feel much better."

"Thank you," he said.

Lavender felt as if someone just hit her. Did he just thank her? Someone must have hit him hard on this head, otherwise... She didn't know who the man in front of her was. She shrugged, trying to play it off as if it didn't mean anything. But her eyes glistened and she gently tilted her head: "I have an idea. Close your eyes," she demanded.

"No," he immediately turned her down.

"Come on," she whined. "Don't you trust me?" Her face dropped as she didn't wait for him to answer. "I think we all know the answer to that... Come on! It'll be quick, but I need you to close your eyes!" She begged.

Kaz just stared at her. He didn't like not knowing what was going on around him. Uneasily, he gave into her demands and closed his eyes. He heard a happy squeal come out of her and the clicking of her heels around the bathroom, meaning she didn't leave.

"Okay, now don't be scared and don't open your eyes until I say so!" She instructed, her voice behind him.

Suddenly, he felt a whoosh of wind around him, a soft material pressing against his chest, down to his hips, wrapping loosely around his arms and to his back. He could feel her take those two ends of the material and gently squeeze them, not too hard to inflict pain and he instantly understood what she was doing.

The material around his body meant a hug. From that thought, his body gently trembled, little shivers coming right up his spine.

Her voice reached him: "You told me that you want to be able to touch me. Let's begin with small steps. Try to imagine that it isn't this fabric around you, but warmth. A human's warmth. Flowing blood beneath the warm skin, a quickly beating heart hitting your chest and warm breaths on your skin. You feel the life on the tip of your fingers, on every cell of your body – you feel that person in your arms and it feels liberating. It feels as if you could just wash your worries away, as if you could fall asleep right beside them... Feel."

Kaz's head was spinning from the image she has placed in his head. His body was slightly trembling from the anticipation, from the warmth, from the image he had created in his head. And she was right – he will be able to touch her within time. With effort. A pang of disappointment strummed his heart as he felt the fabric slip away and he opened his eyes from a pleasant dream.

Lavender moved, folding the towel she held over the tub, taking a few towel bundles with ice in her hands. She turned to him with a gentle smile, noting his frozen state. "Come on, Kaz, you need some rest."

A lot has happened in this chapter from trauma dumping to confessions... My babies🫶🏻 What did you think about this chapter?

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