chapter twenty-seven,     lily

    ALL OF THEM HAD THEIR JOBS THAT THEY NEEDED TO DO. Wylan and Jesper had to make sure to buy everything they needed for the successful infiltration of the silos. Nina and Matthias had to go to the Ravkan embassy because there had been talk of Grisha stationed in Ketterdam and Shu embassy arriving, meaning they needed to get Grisha out of there as soon as possible. Inej and Kaz had unfinished business with Per Haskell as Rotty has been repeating how displeased the boss was with everyone. Especially with Kaz.

     Kuwei had to stay put and silent and Aleksej was instructed to babysit him. And Lavender—well, she was ready to go with any of them to be some sort of help, but Kaz stopped her, just as soon as everyone was ready to get separated and get to business.

     "I think you should take the opportunity and go home," he said.

     "I can't just go to Novyi Zem, Kaz," she shook her head.

     "You should take the opportunity while you don't have a bounty of your head and visit your mother."

     Oh.

     Lavender's face grew still. She hasn't thought about visiting the place that they had—what for? She knew it was burnt to the ground. There was nothing left. And if there was anything left, it probably got stolen already.

     She didn't want to think about this, so she shook her head: "I want to be helpful."

     "Either you stay here or you go there. I asked Rotty to spare you a boat. Rowing to the east, you'll get to the lake – it will take time."

      The woman understood why Kaz didn't want her to go with any of them. She was the only one that didn't have a bounty on her head, yet. Except from Aleksej, but Kaz didn't even want to think about him. But she still was a valuable eye candy to the gangs because of the new last name she took. She knew that her being beside others would put attention on them and they could get caught. She only had to trust him, that when the time was right and the plan will be undergoing, he won't keep her away from all of this.

      Kaz watched the way she was fighting with her own emotions and how the light in her face faded when he mentioned her mother. She deserved to know that she was there. She deserved to visit the place that was her happiest. Everything was going to go to hell in mere seconds and the least he could do, was offer a piece of serenity, away from all of this stench.

      "I buried her," he admitted. "By the old oak. To the lake's side."

      She froze in her stance and she quickly covered her face, breaking down into tears. She was living all this time with the knowledge that her mother didn't even get to rest properly and that her bones will be splattered by the predators and humans. She didn't know that Kaz waited there until the fire was out, trying to put it out. As soon as he did, he buried her mother, who didn't seem like anyone he had ever known. Her skin was burnt off and still burning, sizzling underneath his touch as he dragged her to the hole he had dug. There wasn't an ounce of Lily left in what he buried, but he couldn't just leave her there. Not the way he left Jordie.

     Lavender completely broke down and it alerted everyone around them. Kaz has never seen her broken down like this before. Even if she covered her face, he noticed the way her shoulders were shaking, how little sobs were overtaking her. She slowly got down, her legs too weak to hold her and she just cried. It was the moment where he would've given anything to be well. To be able to touch her. To be able to hold her and reassure her that her mother was resting all this time. But he couldn't. Instead, he had to watch her break down into a million pieces and he couldn't gather them. He couldn't put them together.

     "Lav, oh my Saints, Lav!" Jesper quickly rushed to her, getting down on the stone floor and wrapping the ball of his sister into his arms. He raised his head to look at Kaz, who tried to look cold, but he noticed a piece of mourning that made his eyes appear human-like. Kaz turned around and walked away.

     His sister slowly gained her ability to move and speak and she straightened her back, facing Jesper: "I'm okay," she whispered, her cheeks red from crying, eyes drowned in tears, lips quivering. "I'm going to see my ma's grave."

     "Do you want me to go with you?" The realisation hit him that she had told him that she lived not far from Ketterdam. "I could go with you."

     She shook her head, "Once this is over – we'll go. First, I need to find her myself."

     Jesper pulled her into a hug, looking to the side, and seeing Kaz gathering his stuff before leaving with Inej. Everyone was talking in their hushed voices that Kaz had undoubtedly feelings for Lavender. In many ways, he couldn't understand how Kaz could have feelings at all, but the past connecting him with Lavender meant something so much more to him than any of them could understand. Even if he was barely tolerable and had the temperament of a wet mop in a gambling house full of drunks... He had a piece of himself that was clinging to his humanity. For her.

     And so, Lavender travelled down the river in the east direction. Even if she didn't have much strength to row, it seemed that the wish to see her childhood place was giving her the strength she needed. But she couldn't believe that Kaz had done that. That Kaz had to endure that. She had no idea in which state he found her mother. Herself, she saw her drenched in her own blood as Pekka Rollins slashed her neck with a knife. Kaz, probably saw what was left of her. What there will be left of them all.

     Getting away from Ketterdam was putting a little smile on her face – it was getting easier to breathe. It wasn't a dramatic thing to say that Ketterdam had a stench – it really did. It seemed like the plague all those years ago was stuck in the walls of the buildings and rotting, waiting to be unleashed again. There was death underneath all of those buildings, in the water. Everywhere.

     Soon, she entered a familiar lake, leaving the river behind her. Her arms were aching, but she kept on rowing, as a familiar landscape was in front of her. She probably knew all of the places around this lake – one of the biggest ones in Kerch. She used to wander it, in order to see if there are some animals living nearby, what birds were living in trees, and how many fishes she could see.

     Rowing to the left side, she got out of the boat and pushed it on the dirt. Her house was nearby. The grass was tall, meaning that no one needed this place, surprisingly. She kept on making her way through the dry grass, finding a whole field of way smaller grass, and in the middle of it, the burnt mess of her beloved house, her home.

     Lavender expected to find ashes, nothing left, but the house was simply destroyed by the fire. The wooden logs black and broken, and everything had collapsed. She walked closer to it, almost feeling the smell of smoke that should've been gone for years.

      That was her home.

      Getting closer to the ground, she started to take these logs one by one and place them further away in a pile. They were almost breaking in their hands, but she kept on taking them and piling them until she started to find a piece of fabric and cutlery.

      Her heart clenched. Taking the little pieces of burnt fabric, she noticed that it was different pieces from her mother's dresses – she loved colourful fabrics. Even more, she loved colourful fabrics and patterns. The more - the merrier, as she would say. Lavender stuffed those pieces of fabric into her pocket and the other things she threw into the pile.

      As she was almost finished, she found a book. One of her books. 'A detailed guide of birds'. It was the book she carried everywhere when she was exploring, trying to find the birds from the book around her. She probably knew all of the names of the birds because of this book. The cover was worn off, dusty and black from the smoke. The edges of the pages were burnt, but you could still open them and find the colourful paintings of the birds.

     Oh, how much she annoyed everyone with her knowledge about birds. She really was insufferable. Hugging the book, she held it close – a memory from home. She'll have a memory from home.

     Soon, she finished putting everything else in the pile and she lighted a match, watching the fire to take it whole. She wanted this land to be new again, to start nourishing. She had to let go of these memories so that another life could start here. Maybe, if all of this works, they all get even with the Council. Maybe, she'll build here a cabin. If she still has some time left.

     Watching the way fire swallowed the burnt logs, she turned around to look at the old oak tree that looked even older than she remembered. It was a huge tree. On one of the branches pointing west, there was a swing, but it broke when she was little. The tree was too old to deal with her constant swinging. Walking slowly to the side of the lake, she looked at the ground, closest to the tree.

     Her mother's grave.

     Sitting directly on it, Lavender closed her eyes. It was so silent here – she could hear the wind moving, the water rippling, the chirping of the birds—everything. She was tired of the voices of the people, of laughter, of crying, of Ketterdam. She was finally with her mother.

     "Hey, ma," she whispered, touching the grass with her fingertips. "I know you're watching me from above—I found you." Lavender hasn't spoken with her mother in years. It was just too painful. Every prayer and every wish was just too painful. But now, she knew she was here. Resting.

     "Don't ask me in what trouble I am – you know it yourself... At this point, I want to survive as long as possible, ma... We both know I'm dying... And as much as that scares me, at least I will finally be with you."

     Touching the tree with her hand, she closed her eyes: "I met Kaz again. Even if he is not the same—no one is the same – he gives me hope. Ma... He is the one that buried you... And for that, I'm forever indebted to him. I hope—one day he will come to see you too. I wonder what you would say about him now... He was always such a sweet boy in your eyes."

     Taking out the pieces of fabric, she placed her bag down and took out a needle and some yarn—she never went anywhere without basic medik supplies. She quickly joined them all into a long string. Thankfully, it was enough to wrap it around the branch above her and tie it in a ribbon. A piece of her mother beside her grave.

      Turning around, she pushed her back against the tree and looked at the lake. Hugging herself, she gave herself a moment to breathe, to feel some sort of serenity that she hadn't felt in so long. Taking out the book about birds from her bag, she pressed it against her chest.

      "You always told me that this book would survive wars because I couldn't let it go. I guess... You were right," she mumbled, placing her chin on her knees that were pulled to her chest, gazing at the water.

      And so she stayed there, watching the way the sun moved above her. When it will get dark, she will come back – it will be safer this way. In the meantime, she was flipping the pages of the book, testing her knowledge about the information she knew from her heart.

      As the sun was setting, the fire died out, leaving nothing, but ashes this time. Closing the book, she pushed herself into a hug and closed her eyes. Until—she heard a distant rustle in the grass. She quickly straightened her back, extending her legs and turning around only to see a familiar face.

      "You came," she whispered.

      The man pushed his cane against the tree and sat to the left of her, keeping his distance, but honouring the memory of sitting to her left. Just the way they would sit when they were kids. He noted the ribbon above them both and the book in her lap.

      "Of course it had to survive," he mumbled, looking straight, at the lake.

       Lavender softly smiled, looking at the lake as well: "Did you know that crows acknowledge their dead?"

       "To sense if danger is nearby," Kaz answered.

       Surprised, she nodded: "You were never interested in birds..."

       "I didn't need to." I had you.

       Looking to the side to look at him, she asked: "Why crows? Out of all of the birds."

      He turned his head to the side, feeling star-struck. The setting sun was painting her red hair in the most beautiful crimson, shining over her face and her curious big eyes. It was just like when they were kids and she kept on asking him endless questions, but he would always just rather look at her. He noticed how much time had passed and that the childish innocence was gone, but yet, through so much, she was unearthly beautiful. Even with all of her scars. Especially with all of her scars.

       In what ways could he say that he chose crows because it reminded of her? Of Jordie? Of who he was? In what ways could he tell her that he carries her memory on his arm, in his cane, in his heart?

      "They are smart," he answered instead.

      "They really are," she agreed and looked at the lake. But he didn't look at the lake, he looked at her. "I think," she started, "once this is all over and we get the money – I'll buy this land. Eventually, I'll build another home here."

     Home. Kaz Brekker hasn't had a home ever since the plague. Ketterdam was just a place where he had to fight with his teeth and nails until blood for survival. It was for blood-thirsty, hungry people. It was hard to have a home, when anyone, anytime could take it away.

     There wasn't a home in his plans. Only more scheming and more business. He knew that he had to make it through in Ketterdam because he owed it to himself and to Jordie. And after he is at the top? He was so sure that greed would swallow him and the whole world wouldn't be enough, but home—home sounded nice. Did he even deserve to have it after all he has done?

     Lavender looked at him, noticing him being lost in his thoughts: "I won't ever be able to repay you for letting my mother rest."

    "She deserves to rest," he looked away.

    "I remember when the two of you were gone in Ketterdam and the plague started—every morning she used to make one cup of hot chocolate and one cup of black coffee and she'd place them in your seats. All because I couldn't take it and it made me feel like you two were home... My mother promised to go look for you once the gates will be open, but..." Lavender looked down, trying not to cry. They both knew how it ended.

     Kaz ached at these words. Both he and Jordie never had the warmth of a family... But Lily accepted them as if they were her own. Cherished them and nurtured them. She couldn't understand how she was a woman with such a big heart. Without Lavender and Lily, there wouldn't be a place where they could come back.

     He hasn't drunk hot chocolate ever since. Now, he preferred to drink his coffee black, with one spoon of sugar just the way Jordie did. Even if he was the Bastard of the Barrel, even if he was Dirtyhands, he was never able to get rid of memories and the things he had to endure. And he was cruel through and beyond, but he couldn't be cruel to all of them. He still understood the actions and their consequences, he understood which people deserved to be destroyed and which left alone. He sheltered misfits, just like he was. Broken, through and through, but he still had a piece of himself that he clung onto.

     "Did everything go alright?" She changed the topic.

     Kaz nodded, "Per Haskell was displeased with you."

     "The bullets in the wall were a bit too much?"

     "The man can be paid," he said. He reached into the inner pocket of his coat and took out a folded piece of paper, handing it to her.

     She unfolded it, a snort leaving her, seeing that it was a wanted poster. Not the one the Crows had – she had no money on her head. And the painting of her didn't even look anything like her... Probably Per Haskell or any other were too drunk to see her. The wanted poster was for interrogation. Meaning, the stadwatch was searching for her too, to get information on Kaz Brekker.

     "This looks nothing like me," she mumbled, folding it. "And at least they could've put a kruge on my head."

    "Your books are clean. You're just married to a criminal."

    Pushing the folded piece of paper in her book, she sighed. It was a good thing she didn't have money on her head. But it was just a matter of time. Her job was to divert the stadwatch at the given time and the other gangs.

     "Right," she suddenly jumped on her feet. "Stay here, I'll get something."

     Not giving him a chance to say anything, she walked away, leaving Kaz alone. He hasn't come here ever since the house burned down and he buried Lily. He was too caught up in the game of the Barrels, in the game of survival. It felt unreal being here – it was so calm. Ketterdam was exhausting, but he grew to like it.

     Soon, he heard her footsteps and she kneeled on the ground, extending a bunch of—leaves in the palms of her hands. "I noticed you are limping more after the heist. This is wild cabbage – it takes inflammation away immediately. All you have to do is put one layer of slightly chewed leaf and the other on top and either wrap it in a bandage or leave it on if you won't move. When it will become hot, change it."

     She took a roll of bandages and unrolled it a bit, rolling the leaves into it. She took a little bottle full of ointment and extended the roll of bandages and the ointment to him. "I made the ointment earlier. It should take the pain away quicker."

     It was as if she knew when he was out of the ointment. He knew it was her job as a medik, but his heart always skipped a beat when she did something for him. He didn't have to ask her, not that he would... But she knew herself.

     He took the things from her, nodding as a thank you. Her ointments were helping a lot with the pain, but the swelling around his knee was not easing. He appreciated this. He'll be able to move more swiftly.

     "We should go," he said, as the sun was almost down.

     "How did you get here?" She asked.

     "Rotty got me here. Told him to leave."

      Lavender nodded, slowly standing up and gathering her bag and her coat. She placed her hand on the tree, looking at the piece of fabric she tied and stood there for a few seconds. Saying a prayer in her mind, she walked away, leading them both to the boat.

     "I appreciate that you came here," Lavender said while walking. Even if he was limping, he was almost walking faster than she was.

     He stopped in his steps, turning to her: "I'd always come to you."

i am quite proud of this manip actually—

i thought a simple chapter of some closure should be nice before the action begins! please don't be a silent reader, your opinions are important <3

i feel like lily is a very important person in this book - she gives a different turn of Kaz's background and she is the mother of Lav. I feel like Kaz, the one I write, is different just because he had a figure of a mother in his past... do you think i'm giving him enough justice? for his character?

i love you all xx