chapter twenty-nine,     what do the dead miss the most?

     THE FAHEY SIBLINGS KNEW THEY WILL BE SCOLDED, but Colm did not even say a word when they appeared on the doorstep of his room in the hotel. If they wouldn't have looked like shit, maybe then they would've got a proper scolding and he would've put them both in his suitcase and brought them home.

     Their father was just sitting in one of the armchairs, looking the way the six of them were getting used to the luxury. They were going into the bathroom to wash up one by one and before Lavender could get into the bathroom, as she was the last one, the others barged into the room as well.

      They were right to assume that everything went to hell. At least all of them were alive. Inej was wounded, so Lavender guided Inej to the farthest corner of the room on a couch and began to clean her wounds as it seemed she had encountered someone.

      There were these certain feelings in the air—relief that all of them were alive and disappointment that they couldn't foresee the graveness of the situation. The whole city of Ketterdam was against them.

      Colm rang for some coffee and food, noticing that a whole bunch of teenagers in the room were malnourished and bloody. As soon as someone knocked on the door, everyone tensed up, but Colm took the matter into his own hands and got the tray with food in the room himself.

       "What happened?" Jesper finally asked.

       "Inej fell twenty stories," Nina replied, taking a waffle from the tray and sniffing it.

       "And I made a new acquaintance," Inej breathed out as Lavender was cleaning a clear knife wound on her side.

       "We fell through the ceiling," Wylan added.

       "Nina can raise the dead," Inej said out of the blue.

       It felt almost comical that everyone was saying what happened with such even tones. Seems like most of them were bruised from the falls, so Lavender told Aleksej to check Wylan for any bruises.

       "The theory was right," Kuwei nodded to himself. "A small dosage can change the powers."

       "I cannot raise the dead, they just get up. It's not like they are alive," Nina informed.

        That statement made the Shu boy get out his notebooks, and flip through the pages. It meant that he will be bombarding Nina with questions as soon as the possibility will be proper.

        "I think in this certain situation a zombie army would help us," Jesper shrugged. "More allies."

     "It's not a bad thing," Matthias agreed.

     "It is unnatural," Nina offered him a glare. "You said so yourself."

     "Or perhaps Djel extinguished one light and lit another," said Matthias.

      The waffle didn't interest Nina for a second as she looked at him, deadpanning, "Did you fall and hit your head?" She turned to Jesper. "What the hell happened to you lot?"

      "Dime Lions surrounded us. They came for Kuwei."

      "Rats," Nina mumbled before taking another waffle.

      Suddenly, Kaz spoke up, "Specht says they've closed the harbours and shut down the browboats. They're sealing the city."

       Lavender was finishing bandaging Inej and she helped her sit down on the couch as Lavender walked to the bathroom, hearing the way others moved out of the suite and outside since there was a clock tower. This whole floor was dedicated to the suite, so they could hope there would be no strangers sniffing around.

       Lavender decided to stay behind – it was a bit too much. She didn't know what to tell her father, she didn't know what to do about her lungs. She closed the door of the bathroom and walked to the mirror, scoffing. She looked way better in the tiny mirror of the mausoleum. This bathroom was huge and the lighting was so bright that all of her imperfections came out. The eye looked a bit swollen, her left cheek was bruised and slowly turning purple as her lip was cut. Her hair was a mess of knots—she looked like pure shit.

        She took the opportunity to wash herself as the others weren't there. She quickly filled the bath with water, got out of her dirty clothes and washed herself properly—she hadn't had a proper bath ever since they left for Ice Court. It was refreshing to submerge her body underneath warm water, but she didn't take a long time and got out and dried herself. Luckily, she had another pair of pants packed in her bag that were clean as everything else probably needed to be thrown out. She borrowed a shirt from her dad. She raked her wet hair with her fingers and tied the velvet piece of her wrist. Noting that the others weren't back yet, she wandered out of the bathroom, meaning to find them.

      "They went up to the clock tower," Colm said as soon as he saw her leave the bathroom.

      Thanking him, she left the room, quickly finding steep stairs at the end of the hallway. There were countless voices upstairs and she headed there. The cold air hit her and she shivered as she was with short sleeves. Hugging herself, she saw what they were all fussing about—stadwatch boats were seen everywhere. Ketterdam was actually sealed.

       The others disagreed with this, saying that people would riot, but there was no use going against the government. There was a loud parade going in the streets, but not like usual – there were no masks and happy tourists—now, gang members were celebrating in the streets, scaring citizens.

      "What will happen now? Can't we just wait out here?" asked Kuwei.

      "For someone to rescue us?" Kaz sarcastically mumbled, leaning to the edge of the railing.

      "Then give me to Van Eck," Kuwei didn't stand down.

      "Then all of this is for nothing? You do know that just because we will give you to him, the rest of us won't be free. It doesn't work that way, kid," Jesper answered.

     "We could still run. Somehow. We'd find a way even if the city is closed," Nina reminded them.

    "I'm not leaving this city with my tail between my legs. Not after everything we've done," Kaz disagreed, shaking his head.

       "Why not?" Jesper released an exhale, frustrated. "You gave up your shares in the Crow Club and Fifth Harbor. A whole Barrel is searching for you—even Dregs. There are no more allies except all of us here. But the whole city is against us. You can't fight them all!"

       "I can," Kaz simply said.

       The Zemeni guy shook his head in disbelief, raising his hands slightly and pushing them down. "What's with the heroism? You are always telling me to walk away from a losing hand. Maybe you should listen to your own advice."

       "I'm not asking for you to stay. You all can leave. But I'm staying." Kaz turned to face Jesper.

       "Why are you treating us like we are some sort of scared children?" Jesper didn't back down.

       Lavender, standing at the furthest end of the tower, right beside the stairs, could feel that the tension would snap in just a mere moment. It seemed like everything was going too fast—the whole news that the city was closing down, that Barrel was against them, that the government with stadwatch was against them, that they had nowhere to go... Now, they were fighting amongst each other—if only she could understand men with their egos.

       "You are the one who is always eager to run, Jesper. For all your love of a fight, you always run for cover first," said Kaz lowly, his voice slightly rising.

       "Because I want to stay alive."

      "For what?" Kaz snapped at him. "So you can dive back into another game of Makker's wheel? So you can continue to lie to your father that you are a student here? So you can talk about all of our plans to others so they could ambush us? So you can let your sister get caught by Fjerdans when I specifically asked you not to involve her? Have you told your father that she almost died? That we all almost died?"

      Jesper twitched as he didn't expect Kaz to bring up the moment he almost lost Lavender forever. "I made a mistake. Is that what you want to hear? I made a mistake and don't you think I won't be beating myself for it for the rest of my life! I let my bad get the best of my good, but for Saints' sake, Kaz, how long are you going to make me pay for a little of your forgiveness?"

       "What do you think my forgiveness looks like, Jordie?"

       Lavender's breath got stuck in her throat. That's why Kaz was so stern with Jesper. That's why he couldn't let Jesper closer and show how much he cared. He saw Jordie in him.

        "Who the hell is Jordie?" Jesper frustratingly asked.

        Kaz sealed his lips, his face went slack as only then he noticed that Lavender was standing in the shadows. Exhaling, he let himself push away the upcoming memory of Jordie and turn his anger back on Jesper. "What do you want from me? My forgiveness? My trust? You had it, but you can't shut your damn mouth."

        "One time. It was one time!" Jesper desperately gritted out. "What about all of those times when I had your back? I always did what you asked." He shook his head.

       "One time is enough for me to see for what you really are. For what you are and for what you are so afraid to admit—you think you're a gambler, but you're gambling with the wrong things. You lose. You always lose. Maybe you should listen to the advice yourself—walk away."

        And boyish hell unleashed. Both of them jumped on each other before anyone else managed to blink. Punching and grabbing were supported by grumbles as the others were standing frozen. Both of them crashed into the mechanism of the clock, elbows and fists reaching each other's faces, blood getting spilled on the spotless floor.

       Wylan seemed to react first: "Someone stop them!" He turned to Matthias as he seemed the right person to separate them both.

       "Jesper hasn't shot him," Nina said.

       "Kaz isn't using his cane," Inej noted.

       Wylan turned to Lavender, hoping she would be on his side. Both ladies were right—they didn't mean to kill each other, they were just having a brawl that was meant to satisfy their anger.

        Lavender sighed, her whole body burning with anger and pain. "Fucking idiots," she mumbled and she grabbed Kaz's cane from the floor. She swung the cane, not harshly, but she stuck it in between the fighting pair and she pushed Jesper and Kaz away from each other, holding the beak of the crow pressed against Kaz's chest. Both of them were bleeding – Jesper's lip was cut, and Kaz was bleeding from his brow. Both of them were breathing quickly, their faces flushed with adrenaline.

       "Fucking morons," Lavender scoffed at them both. "The whole city is against us and you both cannot deal with your anger so you throw a fight? As if I don't have enough shit to do but to stitch you both up?" Her voice was angry as she was looking at them both with a scolding look that told them how dumb both of them were. "Keep your boyish fights after we figure out what to do. Like it or not, we are still stuck together." She pushed the cane to Kaz's chest, letting it go and he caught it.

      Lavender turned to Jesper: "I will tell Da all about this if he already didn't hear you both. Seems you forgot the effects of proper scolding." She turned back to Kaz. "And you... Drop the 'I work alone' act and actually think about the fact that without the people in here, you wouldn't have come this far."

      Exhaling, she closed her eyes, calming herself down as their father appeared out of nowhere: "I heard someone fighting," Colm said, his eyes noticing the two bloody ones. "Just what is going on here? Aren't you two friends?"

      Jesper's face quickly got painted in shades of guilt, preparing for a decent scolding. "We were just having—uh, a small disagreement."

      "I want you down, now," Colm demanded, making his way downstairs.

      "Speak with him and come to me – I'll tend up your wounds," Lavender told Jesper. She turned to Kaz who was lost in his thoughts, probably scheming. "And you come with me."

       Lavender turned to Aleksej, "Tell Da to order some service again, and this time, tell them to bring some ice. We have to tend to all of your bruises since you all collectively decided to fall." She instructed and was the first one to disappear downstairs after her dad.

       She got back into the room took the remaining ice her father had for the whiskey and took the little bucket to the bathroom. She took a clean towel and ripped it in half, hearing how others were making their way back. Luckily enough, this suite was huge. Not only there was a huge bedroom, but an even bigger living room with two couches and two armchairs. There was even a small hallway that led into a hall with a piano.

       The door opened and Kaz showed up, to her surprise as she didn't actually think that he would. He seemed to listen to no one. Lavender pointed to the surface beside the sink for him to lean in as she already put all the medical supplies she had left. Since this group of people was prone to injuries, the medical supplies were running low. And since the whole city was after them, she didn't know when she will get the opportunity to restock.

      Kaz closed the door, pushing the cane against the wall and leaning to the surface where she pointed. He watched the way she was putting ice in the towel and wrapping it, placing it on his left cheek. He almost hissed from the coldness and took the towel from her, holding it as she washed a small cloth with water.

      He felt guilty, of course he did. Not only that he just had a fight with her brother, but because only now he saw that Pekka's men got to her too—the horrible bruise on her cheekbone.

      "What happened to your cheek?" Kaz asked.

      "One of Pekka's men hit me. He's dead now." She said, coldly as she gently pressed the cloth to the cut on his eyebrow, cleaning it.

      He noticed how careful she was around him even if he didn't deserve it. Not even once he felt her skin against his and he was thankful for that. Not knowing why he was like this, she held her distance without any questions. She understood, even when he didn't deserve it.

      "I can see why you see Jordie in him," she said as she took the cloth away from his cut. "I always saw Jordie more closed-up, the way you are now. But there is so much of him in Jesper."

      Kaz didn't want to admit it out loud, but he agreed. Even if he couldn't trust Jesper again, it was only because he cared about him. And he didn't know how to properly care for someone without the fear of losing them. Without the fear of being completely alone.

      Rubbing a bit of soap on the cloth, she started to clean his cut again. "You're a fucking idiot, Kaz." Her voice was silent, as she was focused on cleaning his wound.

      The man couldn't do anything else but focus on the wound on her cheekbone. On her uneven exhales. On the furrow in between her brows. On her exhausted eyes. On her unexplainable care for him. Why did she care about him after all he has done?

      "I know," he whispered.

      Finally, Lavender retracted her hand and looked him in the eyes as he put the towel with ice behind him. She looked almost transparent, so fragile even if she was incredibly strong as she was still moving on. His gloved hands itched to gently hold her face, to pull her close and let her feel how much he needed her close—but he couldn't. He couldn't. He just couldn't.

      Pushing her hand to her chest, she felt her lungs ache with the need to cough, but she gulped it down, shaking her hand as she took a few steps back until her back reached the wall. Her eyes grew teary, the exhaustion and all of the emotions getting to her. She exhaled deeply, feeling the way her heart was beating faster as she was looking at him.

      "I love you," she whispered, watching the way her words surprised him. "I've loved you ever since I saw you in that coffee house. I've mourned you. I've dreamt about you. I've waited for my death to be reunited with you and yet—you are here."

      He didn't deserve to be loved, especially by her. She was too good, too pure to be involved with a man that couldn't offer her anything. He was indulged with shadows, made countless pacts with demons, he had no soul to offer anymore, and yet... He watched her, standing in front of him, completely vulnerable as she placed her heart and offered it to him. He heard the way her voice shook, the way her hands trembled, the way she struggled to stay alive, and—no matter that, she still offered her heart to him.

      To a man, who didn't deserve to be loved.

      "I'm a thief," he reminded her.

      "I know," she whispered.

      "I'm an outcast."

      "I know." She closed her eyes.

      "I am a murderer."

      "So am I." She opened her eyes and exhaled deeper. "I don't need you to tell me what you feel about me. I don't need you to try and push me away. I don't need you to tell me anything—just let me put this burden off my chest."

      Kaz shook his head, "I don't deserve to be..." He couldn't even say that word out loud.

      "You don't deserve to be loved?" That seemed to ignite something in her. Her fragile expression changed, questioning him, demanding an answer. "That's such a bullshit, Kaz, and you know it! We all deserve to be loved—twisted or not."

      "Well, I don't—I don't!" His voice raised. "Everyone that I have ever loved has died. There is no love in Barrel, there is only survival. I can't—I just can't allow myself to lose someone again."

      "I don't know if you noticed," she took a step closer, her voice angry, "but those people outside care for you. And you like it or not, you care for them as well even if you try to get rid of them at any given point. Even if you try to convince yourself that you're better off alone, you still search for other people. Even if you say you need this for a benefit. I know you better than all of this bullshit you're telling me."

      "You don't know me!" Kaz snapped. "I'm not the same child I was before, I will never be him no matter how much you would want me to be."

      "I am not asking you to be! None of us are the way we were—we were too innocent to see the wrath of the world. The pain of loss. Kaz," she shook her head, "even if you are not the boy you once were, even if you say that you don't care about anyone, even if you are a thief, an outcast, a murderer—some sort of Kaz Brekker that is feared in the streets... I don't care. Because I am not the same little girl I was. I am not a saint, Kaz. None of the people are outside that door. And if you insist that you don't deserve to be loved—don't be a fucking idiot, Kaz. You cannot force me not to care for you. You cannot force me not to love you. You cannot force me not to dream of you." Her voice broke at the end, a few tears escaping her eyes—she didn't even know if they were sadness or anger tears.

      "I can't give you the love you deserve," he whispered, raising his glistering eyes to look at hers. "You deserve something better. Someone better."

     Lavender sighed, a small, almost helpless smile tugged on her lips. "I don't want someone else. I don't want someone better. I want you." Looking down, she nodded to herself. "And I know you will give me the same bullshit over and over again, so let's just make a deal." She raised her head and ran her fingers through her damp curls as if to calm herself. "Tell me that I mean nothing to you and break my heart. I can't force you to love me, but I also can't live in this hopelessness. I told you all I wanted, now please, end my suffering."

      As much as he wanted to lie, he couldn't. Not to her. Looking at her, he took a step closer, wanting her as close as possible, as close as he could have her without the nightmares. "I can't give you the love you deserve," he repeated. "But—that doesn't mean that I'm not selfish."

     She tried to hide her surprise as she knew he cared for her even a little bit. If he wouldn't have cared for her – she would've already been gone. He would've never let her get close to anything. He took a step closer, making her push her hands behind her so she wouldn't touch him. She couldn't stand being so close to him as it made every hair on her body stand up—it was as if he was a forbidden fruit. Yearning to be touched, but she couldn't.

      "I'm selfish." It was his plea. It was his declaration of pure love for her even if he will probably never be able to say it out loud. He was selfish beyond and through as he couldn't let her go. He couldn't watch her leave even if he was encouraging her. If it was up to him, he would make her stay beside him through all of this hell, through all of this blood and misery. Because he doesn't want to carry the memory in him, in his cane, on his arm. He doesn't want to see her in the passing crows. He wants her here, through all of the misery.

      And he noted the way her arms tensed up, meaning she clasped them behind her. He noted the old and the fresh scars on her arms, making him want to unleash war on this entire world just because it hurt her. He noticed the way she was keeping her distance even if her whole body was gently trembling. And for the first time in his life, he cursed and hexed himself for the way he was, for the never-ending nightmares, for not being able to properly hold her.

      His breath was stuck in his throat, his body on fire—not because of the passing adrenaline from the previous fight, but because of her. His whole body was aching for her when all he had craved before was revenge and pain. His whole body was burning for her touch, for that gentle and warm touch that would ease his pain away for just one second. He yearned for the brief moment of solitude, of her love that he didn't deserve, that he could forget Jordie, that he could forget those plans and that need for revenge. To get lost in her, in her scent, in her softness, in her warmth.

     For her, he will overcome his nightmares.

     He leaned forward, inhaling the faint scent of lavender, that was coming from her hair, he closed his eyes for a moment. He leaned closer to her forehead, embracing himself for what he was about to do. Pressing his lips against the top of her forehead, his heart fluttered as if he was a boy again. As if Lavender looked at him with that beautiful smile of hers. Feeling her warm skin against his lips, the scent that he enjoyed so much, his hands trembled, forcing himself not to pull her closer.

     Pulling away, he exhaled, his body on pure fire, gently trembling. At that moment, Jordie wasn't there. At that moment, Jordie was resting peacefully. At that moment he knew that she was the only person who could ease his nightmares—slowly. Because the piece of Jordie that was buried inside of him after that cold night, it finally was silent—for just those brief seconds. Because Jordie has missed her too.

on the 29th chapter we finally have the angsty confession!!

now before you come at me, I'd like to say this. Please do not think that I am disregarding Kaz's trauma - I am not. It has been certain through the whole book and it is a part of him I do not wish to change. His trauma is very much there, but the situation is different. Here, we have a person from his past, that I believe would impact his trauma. Here, Lavender knows both Jordie and Kaz from her past and she is a part of his trauma as well. Now, that doesn't mean Kaz will be able to touch her as an ordinary person—no! The trauma is still very much there and that kiss on the forehead means the beginning of his fight with himself. It is a promise to himself, a step towards healing that he is willing to take FOR HER. I hope you can see the vision I am trying to paint here!

thank you so much for your support and stay tuned for next updates! but please tell me what you think of this book! your comments and engagement is important to me! xx