2014

There was no debate. In what evil world were model planes more desirable than model trains? Did model planes chug? Did they emit a choo-choo sound? Did they run on a predictable schedule?

Sheldon had curated a fifty-five and a half point list to prove his argument, but, to his utter annoyance, Penny had cut him off at point 9b by blaring her obnoxiously bad pop music through the car, and nobody wanted to listen to him anymore. Some friends they were.

He was still brooding when the troop of traitors trudged up the first flight of stairs, inwardly recounting the reasons for later reference, but the delicious smells of the Thai food they'd collected on the way home distracted him. Not to mention that Raj swung the plastic bags around more than necessary, attacking his ears with intolerable sharp crinkling noises.

"Ooh, fancy!"

The fancy thing in question was a sixteen-point matte-finish envelope in a pleasing cream color, embossed with their names and address in elegant calligraphy. Amy, his adorable girlfriend, held it up with evident excitement. He'd really drawn first prize with her. Who else could say they had themselves a woman who appreciated the intricate art of high-quality stationery?

"Oh, we got one too!"

Penny, on the other hand, had already torn into her copy like it was a free margarita coupon. The women stopped in their tracks to read the card inside, and then, inexplicably, both squealed like a pair of kittens playing with a bouncing ball of yarn.

"What?" Sheldon asked. "Is it a letter from future me to announce I invented time travel and I'm coming to visit us in two business days?"

Amy rolled her eyes. "No," she said, like it was that outrageous, "it's from your mom. She's inviting us to her wedding!" She thrust the envelope into his hands with unnecessary urgency.

"Oh, that. She was going on and on about it during Friday family dinner last week. It was extremely annoying."

Penny and Amy gaped at each other like a couple of squirrelfish.

"Why didn't you tell us?" Penny said, her voice much too loud for indoor situations. "This is huge!"

"Obviously, I don't approve," he said, and walked smack dab into Raj and Leonard, who, for some reason, had halted on the platform to assume the same squirrelfish expression.

"Excuse me?!"

Amy held out her arms in a questioning gesture. Really, even she seemed to have forgotten how to speak like a civilized human.

"I take my role as an ally just as seriously as my mom," he stated, "but she's taking it too far this time."

That shut them all up, at least. Though he didn't understand what was so revelatory about his reasons that they seemed frozen in place like figurines. You'd think they would've learned some queer theory over the years.

Then, out of nowhere, Penny doubled over, clutching her stomach, and erupted into wheezing laughter. "I'm gonna piss my pants," she shrieked, and he hastily hurried up to the next stair in case she was being literal.

The others followed with various levels of intensity, the hallway buried under their cackles and guffaws. He looked from one to the other, completely stunned.

"This isn't funny," he said, which was met by even more baffling noises of merriment.

Leonard, who'd removed his glasses to wipe his teary eyes, was the first to come up for air. "Sheldon," he said, "Jean is your mother's girlfriend. They've lived together for years. Many of those above a gay bar, in fact. You've told me this yourself."

He waved the comment off. "Oh, I see your confusion now. Girlfriend is just how they say it in the South."

That, however, just caused Penny to howl like a wounded animal and slump to the floor, without any regard for the bacteria left by years of passing outside shoes. She would have to change clothes before she could enter his apartment again. After all these years, she'd finally lost whatever was left of her tiny mind.

Leonard had replaced his glasses and was snickering again, his eyes crinkling behind the frames. "You thought Jean helped put your mom through college because they were best buddies?"

"Yes," Sheldon said, "Jean is generous like that. She let Zadie R. sleep in the storage room for weeks. I still have nightmares about the body hair that barbarian left behind in the shower!"

It wasn't an exaggeration. That girl had shed her coat like a chinchilla in a fur slip.

Amy sent him a smile he couldn't quite read, tilting her head. "Don't you remember," she spoke with her soft voice, the one he liked best, "it was your mom who helped me figure out my feelings and then made me that bisexual pride package?"

"Yes! Because she's a very empathetic person!"

He was getting antsy now. Surely, if his mother was a lesbian, she would've told him? She'd been married to his father, and he knew for a fact they'd had coitus at least twice, as evidenced in the existence of him and his inferior siblings. How could she be gay?

Penny had finally calmed down enough to draw in long, slow breaths, licking her twitching lips. "Okay, okay, I know how to convince him," she said, reaching for the walls to pull herself up so she could look at him straight. "Remember when you went to those cabins in Santa Barbara with your family, and you accused your brother of watching porn in his bed at night?"

"I wish I didn't."

"And how embarrassed your mom was about the whole thing?"

"Naturally. Who wouldn't be embarrassed with a son like that?"

Penny bit her lip to stop herself from giggling, then delivered the most upsetting news he'd received since finding out the Mexican restaurant on Earlham Street was shutting down due to the owner's retirement: "That wasn't porn, Sheldon. Missy told me it was your mom and Jean who'd forgotten exactly how sensitive your hearing is."

"No!"

So, that was why Missy and Georgie kept sending those grinning teary emojis in the group chat!

There was a chorus of "Yes!" and Sheldon, who didn't run unless he was being chased by a dog or otherwise dangerous monster, dashed up to the apartment to make a call to his perfidious twin sister.