july 14, 2021

and just when i forgot you, i decided to look up your name, i see you're doing fine
you still play the violin
long fingers on the strings, eyes closed while i'm watching you play
i knew you were always better than me
now you probably have new friends, did you use them to win the competition like you used my trust, will you break their heart like you did mine?
~
girls like you are so mysterious, i'll never get the answers, or the childhood we spent together, back
running on the playground, but we're you running with me or away from me?
answering my questions with smiles that never reached your eyes
could you just tell me why you had go stop speaking to me, did the miles you put between us really matter when our hearts were only half a mile apart?
everything moved on after, but i still would've liked to move on with you
~
an hour with you was like an eternity of peace which is why two years without you has felt so raw
growing up means moving on, but it also means the growing pains that echo in my heart whenever i try and stretch it further from you
am i weak or am i strong, for holding these memories so close to my soul, even if it hurts?
maybe it's a mix of both, just like you, a mix of pain and peace
~
everyone who's broken my heart has been a girl, but even though i never loved you like that, i,
loved you, i love you liked a sister, like a dog loves the tree for shelter, like a child loves the taste of forbidden candy
i loved you so much that i couldn't see how you let the water trickle through your branches, how you coated my mouth in sharp shards of sugar
zillions of little shards, just like sugar, brought us down because eventually the child needs to wash her throat with water
and still i wonder if the temporary sweet taste chased by pain was worth more than the monotonous flow of water
because you made me think the pain was worth it, the price of shelter, the price of friendship
even now, i wonder, is that love?
the sharp feeling in the back of your throat
hearts coated with sweetness, but filled with pain