april 22, 2022

how long do you think it takes to stop looking for someone?
to stop picking their face out of the crowd.
two years, maybe ten?
do you think about me as often as i do about you?
once a month, maybe two?

i understand
maybe i will look for your face in every crowd i'm in for the rest of my life
i will look for the back of your head
(that i once stroked),
your hands
(someone else holds them now),
your smile
(i will never see it again),

my heart catches in my throat, it wants to say: "please be you"
"please be you"
"please be you"
"don't be you"
"don't be you"
"please"
"please (don't) be you".

i will lock eyes with a stranger;
all of a sudden, my heart sinks back down.
am i happy?
am i sad?
i am empty
until i see another nose that looks just like yours

just from the side
it comes back over me.

how long until i stop recognizing you in everyone i see?
how long will i break my own heart waiting for you to see me?
how many times will i lose you again and again and again?

you cant see me.
you're not waiting for me.
you're not there anymore.
you're not smiling for me.

how long until i forget the way you walk so i can stop seeing you in the distance?
how long until i forget how your voice sounded so i stop turning around when it's not you?
how long until i don't recognize a piece of you in everyone i see?
how long do i have to wait to give up on us?

i turn away and walk down the street
it's too late too be thinking about this
but it's early enough that the sidewalk is splayed with sunlight
and i can see your shape in the shadow.