Monday, July 12, 2021

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If my emotions could just pick a lane and stick to it for the day, that'd be great. Because currently I'm getting whiplash from being over the top happy to scrambling to not cry or get sad.

I feel like I spend hours doing nothing when I literally have so much to do I just don't know what so I don't do anything... I need to make a schedule, get me to follow something again. To get me through my summer homework, and keep my mom from getting on my nerves, although that's impossible to prevent.

I just... I don't want to interact with my parents in the morning so I wait until they leave, which is around 8 or 8:15-ish, and I know I work best when I have a space to myself or with someone I actually trust, so that means the prime time would be when my sister isn't up but she's always up when my parents are still home so there's no win for me :)

And I know I should talk to my parents but with my dad's medical bills & medication and the blood tests for my family I just don't want to add to our bills... or stress my mom out more, or make myself feel worse just for existing and having a problem...

Why couldn't life just be easy for once? Why can't I just have motivation again? Why can't I just skip forward a couple years to be with my twin and partners and feel loved and safe? Why aren't my brain chemicals working like they should? Why can't I just be normal and not balance two different lives all the time?

Why can't I just be Ink?! Why do I have to fear coming out? Why do I have to deal with the knowledge that my parents will never accept the fact that I have more than one partner, and that they have more than one partner, and that we're happy? Why can't I just figure out who I am, instead of walking around with blinders and trying to imagine who I could be without the blinders instead of living without them?

Who even I am?

Stay safe kiddos, remember to drink water

Love you all <3<3<3

~Ink