Saturday, July 3, 2021

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"How're you doing?"

If you asked me that this morning, I would have said not great but at least good. If you'd asked at noon, I would have said decent. If you asked me that four hours ago, I would have said like I'm about to pass out. But now, if you asked me? I'd say ready to break. 

There's only so much an empathetic person can take. There's only so much pain someone can go through while also watching their loved ones go through pain before their heart breaks and they can't do it anymore. I... I can't keep hoping and convincing others that it's going to be okay, that the future will be better when I'm lying to everyone.

The truth? I usually react online with more emotion than I actually feel. I do feel happy or in pain or nervous or in love, but it's muted, a bit faded, almost like I remember that I'm supposed to feel and my brain makes it happen, but it doesn't feel authentic. It doesn't always feel real. And my doubts, Zeus where do I start?! 

Virgil doesn't want anyone to talk to him or even talk about him, nexxie's having a breakdown but I can't help because I'm in the same boat, I can almost physically feel my doubts taking over and my breathe not working, jay's not okay, I need a hug right now but I can't ask and I just want it to be years from now where we're all alive and everything's okay and I can cuddle up to them knowing life's going to be okay because I keep saying it will be but I don't even believe myself anymore

Sorry this is late out, I had a panic attack after writing that...

Stay safe kiddos, remember that your loved ones love you more fiercely than you know

Love you all <3<3<3

~Ink