Saturday, July 4, 2020

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That moment when your parents start freaking you out because they're talking about joining clubs and doing community service and getting ready for college when you get so scared just thinking about the idea of college.

I mean, I'll have to get a job that can support me, I'll need to get an apartment and find roommates I won't feel would murder me in my sleep, I'll need to be able to get to classes and take notes and pass, I'll need to navigate a city on my own I'll have to take care of myself if I fail I could ruin my life forever GODS I CAN'T TAKE THAT KIND OF PRESSURE

I live my life by taking it one day at a time, because as soon as I start to think more than a day or two ahead I feel all the pressure mounting and the terror setting in and the walls closing in and my breathing starts to go shallow and let's just say thinking/planning realistically my future scares every cell in my body and makes me want to either curl up and hide forever or end it all so I never have to deal with the pressure. 

As you can tell, coping with internal crises was never something I learned to do healthily. 

It's just... if this year could have gone normally maybe I could feel more prepared and ready to face this stuff, but it didn't and I'm not and honest to the gods this made me wary to go around people even more than I normally am so just the idea of joining a respectable club for my college resume makes me want to scream and run for the hills. And there's no escape, it's do it or say goodbye to getting into college because gods forbid you be an introvert who's scared of people who just wants to write and create things with her brain and imagination, that's not a proper career path or proper personality. No I need to "reinvent" myself into an introvert who can put herself out there and has productive(tm) hobbies and a good career path that will lead me to be a proper, productive member of society. 

And gods, I need to lose weight and cut my hair and trim my nails and shave my legs and get rid of my acne and stop hiding in my room and talk more and laugh more and smile better and have perfect teeth and wear proper clothing and accept the constant monitoring from my parents and do everything they ask and watch my language and watch my my tone and watch my sarcasm and get married one day and be ready to date and not know a thing about make up even though I really want to and watch what I eat and let people read my writing and stop drawing on my skin and go outside even though I easily overheat and hide my identity and pretend to be someone I'm clearly not and-

And obviously I'm not okay and wish I could just come out without repercussions or dismissals or passive aggressive jabs or hatred.

One day, Ink, one day. One day I'll come out and admit it all. One day I'll come clean and stop holding back. One day.

Stay safe kiddos, remember that if your family doesn't accept you, I and this giant community you're part of do accept you.

All my love <3<3<3<3

~Ink