Friday, May 8, 2020 

Self destruction.

It can be the smallest things to the biggest stuff, or small things that add up, or a thousand big things that you do that become small because of the normalization of it.

It could be skipping a meal once, twice, three times, every weekend.

It could be staying up later and later until you can't fall asleep at all.

It could be forgetting to drink water enough.

It could be staying out in the cold for longer than you probably should have.

It could be raking your nails your arms to the point that the pain doesn't even register.

It could be the feeling of dry skin that you never treat unless it starts bleeding.

It could be procrastinating until the last minute.

It could be throwing yourself into work and never taking time to just live.

It could be taking too long of breaks because you just don't care.

It could be embracing the feeling of apathy.

It could be shutting yourself off from everyone.

It could be cutting your skin to release blood and emotions.

It could be biting your lips till they bleed and doing it over and over again.

It could be biting your nails until you bite skin.

It could be a great deal of things, a mix or just one, everyday or very rarely. A thousand and one things you do, big and small, for various reasons and at varying times.

For me, I do a lot on that list, most every day or at least once a week, mostly because I can't seem to care anymore.

Because really, what's the point?

I want, I need to go to college and will get out of it a so-so job and thousands of dollars in debt I'll probably spend most if not all of my life paying back.

I'll probably never own a house because it's too expensive.

The way things are going I may not live til I'm 60 because the world's that messy and scary.

Because I'm a woman I've got a 1 out of 4 chance of getting raped or sexually assaulted at least once before I'm roughly 20-25 years old, depending on the source.

I'll probably never feel truly safe around guys I haven't known all my life.

People will most likely always hate me for something I do, whether it's because I don't want children or a spouse or because of my beliefs.

I'll probably never get drunk in a public place because it's too unsafe.

I want to publish a book someday but that's expensive and I'll need money...

I'm chubby and that's not what the 'normal woman' look like so I'll always have body image issues.

By the time I'm 30, I'll almost definitely be diagnosed with one mental illness, either a form of anxiety or depression.

There are so many bad things that have a really high probability of happening to me sometime in the next 10 to 20 years that I just don't care anymore because if I care I'll become overwhelmed and I won't survive the sheer amount of emotional pain that it'll bring.

I'm a high schooler for crying out loud! I can't do taxes, hell I can barely do my math work without getting a C or D!! Why am I so damaged already?!

Because I'm damaged. 

I'm broken. 

I'm tainted and twisted and beaten by society's rules and ideas and expectations. 

There's no hope that I can see.

The only glimmer of hope I could possibly see is death. 

Death is my release from this torture, this cruelty of life that sinks its teeth into us from a young age and refuses to let up or let go.

Sometimes I'm envious of those dead. They don't have to deal with a failing planet, old cis white men destroying my chance to live, a society that's determined to force everyone into a mold that none of us fit, and those that do fit are slowly killing themselves to do so.

So I'm definitely damaged.

But damaged can be fixed.

Broken can be mended.

Tainted can be cleansed and twisted can be unknotted and beaten can rise again.

And it doesn't have to be giant steps.

You could eat a snack if you're not having a meal.

You could create a time you have to stop, or lock you out of your electronics so you get 30 more minutes of sleep.

You could make sure to drink a glass of water with lunch everyday.

You could keep a sweater or jacket on you so if you get cold you put it on.

You could use a stress ball instead of your palms or arms.

You could start a habit of using lotion everyday at a set time.

You could break your assignments up into smaller pieces due before the main project.

You could set small 15 minute breaks after 3 hours of working.

You could set alarms to remind you when to get working and hide them around the room to make you get up and actually turn them off.

You could read a short fluffy fic to remind you of love and feeling.

You could make sure to text at least one person every day.

You could draw random doodles or swirls on your skin instead of blood.

You could chew gum or suck on a lollipop to keep from biting your lips.

You could paint your nails so you don't want to bite them because they look nice.

Because even small steps or changes or attempts are better than nothing. If you relapse, that's okay. Just try again and again and again, because one day you will find it's been a year since you've lapsed and then it's 2 years and then it's 3 years and then it's 4 and it keeps growing. You can do it! Don't let the stupid old cis white males who don't care about you or your future win, you keep on living because spite.

Stay safe kiddos, bandage those cuts and at some ice cream because you deserve it.

All my love <3<3<3<3

~Ink