man, there's nothing sadder

than walking around phoenix city

mall with your family.

you watch everything exceed

not only their pockets but their very eyes.

you watch them reach out

for something, hold it for a moment,

then drop it, as if burned by the price tag.

you watch them mock all of it

but their seriousness mocks itself.

your sister says, buy something

for me, what else is the point of your existence,

and you don't respond

because there's nothing you can say

which will make you feel any different

than the way they're feeling:

lacking, unfulfilled, discontent.

you watch a boy sitting in the middle

of Reliance Trends reading his book

but you're too afraid to ask what he's reading.

you know all of it is the crucifix of desire

but you can see it only in the shape of a halo

whose glow is not enough for you

to see for too long without going blind.

on the way back, at the traffic light,

in a dazzling silver font, on the bumper

of the water truck halted right next to you:

ennam pola vazhkai— life as you wish it.

man, there's actually a lot sadder than this,

which is actually the saddest thing of them all.

~ ajay

11/11/2024

first published in The Madras Courier