Hi everyone! So this chapter is not super long, but it gets a little rough for our beloved Jo. I hope you enjoy they update!

Happy Reading!

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Jo
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It felt like I was drowning. Not like I was being emotionally smothered, but literally drowning. There were whole days when I would spend every minute gasping for breath, my body crippled and unable to adapt to this world I was stuck living in. It should have been my reaction to that cell so long ago. I never should have made it this long. Maybe if I had died in that cell she would still be alive. Merle could have kept her alive.

I didn't know what day it was, or what time. If it had been days or months since my sister died. It didn't really matter. She was gone now, and somehow, in spite of myself I was still here. It didn't make sense. I had watched my entire family die. I lost count of the loved ones I had watched ripped apart in front of me. Katie was the last, and the one I had to put down myself. I didn't understand what I had done to deserve this.

I blinked stupidly and was almost surprised to realize I was sitting outside again. The hard metal grate of the fire escape dug into my skin through the thin leggings I wore. I wondered when I had moved out here. Had it been this morning? Last night? I glanced around. It was daytime, but that didn't tell me much. I rotated between my hiding places. I was under no illusions of what I was doing. Hiding.

I was alone. Which was exactly how I wanted it. It was easier to hide from the world when someone wasn't staring you in the face. For so long after Negan had stayed close by. He wouldn't leave me alone, as though his very presence would keep me from falling apart. As though I wasn't already broken. He would speak to me but I could never remember the words. It was too much effort to piece them together. I'm sure it was supposed to be soothing in some way. I only really remembered the one time he had yelled at me. He grabbed my arm and dragged me to my feet and shook me, like he could somehow just shake me out of this. Like I was in some kind of funk that he could cure. Like he could just fix me the way he did everyone else in this place by turning my weakness into a strength. But what if I didn't want to be fixed.

And I didn't have a weakness anymore. I had failed to protect my weakness. I did this. It was all my fault. I buried my face in my hands, but I couldn't cry anymore. The tears had dried up a long time ago.

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Negan
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I was losing her. There was no way around it, I couldn't pretend anymore. It had been three weeks since The Satellite Station. Three weeks since Kate. If anything Jo was becoming more distant, getting worse, not better. She never left the damn cat walk, never came to our room. I hadn't seen her eat or drink. I knew she must move around at some point but I hadn't seen it. She didn't speak, didn't move, didn't even acknowledge my presence when I went out to check on her.

I gave up trying to move her back inside if I found her sleeping. The couple times I tried she woke up screaming. Not fighting me, just screaming like a wounded animal. I couldn't stand it.

I gave up having Dwight watch her. There was so much going on and she was stuck. I didn't know how to help her. I had tried being gentle and understanding. I tried yelling at her and trying to shake her out of it. Nothing worked. I was at a total loss on how to help her and it was driving me slowly insane.

I loved Jo. She had been so incredibly strong. The ultimate survivor. She didn't know how to stop fighting to the point she was a danger to herself and those around her. She had survived things no one should ever have been exposed to and come out the other side stronger and more capable than anyone else I had met in this world. A true Queen to my King.

She had fought for herself and for her family. But now the last of her family was gone and it had broken her. I thought she was hurting when Dixon had died, but his death was nothing compared to what happened with Katie. She had raged when Merle died protecting her. Katie had broken her. Maybe it was because she had somehow felt responsible for Katie more than Merle. Jo had always viewed Kate as a victim and in the end it had been her blade that ended Kate. Dixon had never been a victim a day in his life.

I stood out on the catwalk about ten feet from her, but it was like I wasn't even there. The door opened behind me and I glanced back to see Arat coming out. Jo didn't acknowledge either of us. When she first arrived and would hide out here I would have said no one came within one hundred yards of the place. She had been hyper aware, ready to fight anything that came near her. Now it was like all of the fight had gone out of her. She didn't see anyone she was so trapped in her own head. I didn't know how to help her.

I jerked my head, motioning to Arat to follow me back inside. Even though Jo didn't seem to notice, I didn't want it to seem like I was talking about her as though she weren't there. She may not have acknowledged my presence, but I refused to act like she was a nothing.

Once the door closed behind us I turned to Arat. "You don't have to keep coming," I told her. "I reassigned Dwight last week," I reminded her. Dwight was now out running a crew of his own trying to find any information about this new threat.

"I know," Arat agreed crossing her arms over her chest. "But I wanted to check on her and make sure she's okay."

"She's not," I snarled.

Arat stiffened but didn't cower away from my anger. She had seen plenty of it lately. I wanted the bastards responsible for this to pay, and every day that we did nothing my rage grew. There was some part of me that felt if I could just kill the bastards I could fix everything. Not having a target for this much anger was quickly becoming a problem. Arat wasn't afraid though. Hell, she had faced down Jo at her worst and hadn't blinked. The woman was tougher than she looked.

I took a deep breath so I didn't keep yelling at someone who didn't deserve it. "Look, Jo's benched herself," I said because I didn't know how to say that she was having a mental breakdown even though we both knew that was exactly what was happening. "I could use the help running a few things if you think you can get away from the kitchen long enough."

She snorted but nodded in agreement. "What do you need me to do?" She offered. I would have never picked Arat out of the crowd, but Jo had seen something in her. There was loyalty yes, but also a toughness, and a need to prove herself that made her the perfect soldier.

I started walking back towards the main market. Jo was fine and we had other things to deal with.

"I want you to take a crew back to the Satellite Station. We cleared the biters out of there, but I want the last of our people and supplies cleared."

If Arat was surprised I wasn't going to hold the Station she was smart enough not to show it. It rankled my ego letting it go, but we didn't have the manpower to hold both the Station and the Sanctuary. Not until we bolstered our ranks a bit.

"Okay," she agreed with a brisk nod.

"We're circling the wagons until we figure out who these bastards are and what they're about. Dwight's crew is out trailing them right now. I want all our men and resources here and ready to deal with this threat when the time comes."

Arat tightened her hands into fists and her eyes glittered with excitement. "We'll make those bastards pay for what they did," she agreed. She swallowed tightly and an emotion I couldn't quite name flickered in her eyes. "For Jo," she said in a low tone.

"Good girl," I said clapping her on the shoulder. I wasn't about to confess to her I was hell bent on revenge, but I was glad she was on board.

Running feet echoed loudly down the hallway behind us. I turned to see our little message runner out of breath as he slid to a stop in front of us. "What's the word kiddo?" I asked.

He drew in a gasp. "Dwight sent me, he just got back."

I nodded as anticipation ran through me. Dwight had been out for almost three days now and he wouldn't have sent the kid unless he had something to report. "I'll meet him in my office," I told the kid. I couldn't for the life of me remember his name, it would have made Jo furious. She always remembered things like that.

The kid nodded and tore off running back the way he had come. I turned back to Arat. "Let's get this done," I told her.

Arat nodded and strode off towards the market and I headed toward my office. I passed Travis and Fat Joey on my way. I turned to look at them for a second. I couldn't remember if they were on or not today, but it didn't matter. Part of the beauty of being the boss meant I got to make the rules. They were my soldiers.

I pointed my finger in Fat Joey's chest. "Jo is up on the fire escape. Keep an eye on her. I don't need you hovering over her like a mama bird. Sometimes she moves around, just stay out of sight and make sure no one bothers her. Got it?" I asked.

Fat Joey nodded, though I could see a glimmer of fear in his eyes. Healthy fear was good, it would mean he would give Jo the space she needed, but also still report any movement to me. Joey had been around Jo enough to know it was a bad idea to get in her way.

Travis on the other hand...well Good Old Travis and Jo had a run in a while back, and while she had scared the piss out of him, I preferred to keep him as far away from her as possible when she was vulnerable. Travis was on my list of guys I didn't trust around any vulnerable females, let alone one who meant so much to me, but he certainly had his uses.

"Trav you're with me," I called over my shoulder. He followed me up to the overseers office and stood guard outside the door. I didn't want us to be interrupted or overheard.

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Jo
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My sister was dead. Kate was dead. It had been my knife that killed the thing that took over her body. I still remembered the sound of the snarls, and the feel
of her blood coating my hands. Sometimes when I was alone it still felt like that blood was covering my hands. I would start to panic, unable to scrub it off, stumbling until I was in the light and could see that my hands were clean.

I knew they were clean now, I could see them in the dimming light, but I still couldn't shake that feeling. It wasn't something you could just shake off and forget about. Sitting there, in the cool wind I could feel the still warm blood oozing between my fingers. I knew it meant that I was broken. Maybe truly broken this time. Not like last time when I could be useful. At least I wasn't dangerous anymore. Not to anyone else.

I wrapped my arms around my knees. I was cold. I glanced up at the sky. The sun was going down, setting behind the factory. I looked around myself. I was still alone. It was better that way.

Below me I heard movement at the front gate. It seemed to take a herculean effort, but I turned and stared until my tired brain could process what it was seeing. Dwight and a group of men were coming home. I frowned in confusion. I thought Dwight was still standing guard outside my door. I turned to look at the door behind me.

I lost time somewhere in there. It was dark when I realized I was still staring at the door. Not good. I pushed myself to my aching, bare feet and headed towards the door padding silently on the metal grate. I opened the door and stared up into the startled face of Fat Joey.

It was like I didn't even see him. He said something, but it would take too much effort to pay attention to the words. They didn't really matter anyway. When I moved to take a step forward he skittered away as though I could still do something about it. As though I were still that person who was dangerous.

I giggled. I doubted he thought it was funny.

I moved through the halls like a ghost. I often moved between my old apartment, the fireescape and a small closet I had found where I could truly be alone. I wanted to be alone again in that way, but with Fat Joey following behind me I couldn't go to my secret place. If I led him there it would be lost to me, and I had selfishly guarded that secret.

It was the only respite I had from the guilt. In the small, dark space the other part of my mind took over. I had no choice. The feral part of me that had survived The Governor and protected me then did so again. Being enclosed my body was convinced we were back
in that cell and in danger. I used that pain to hide. If I could trigger it, I didn't have to feel the pain I had been drowning in since Katie died.

I had worked hard to make sure no one figured out where my closet was. I didn't know what would happen if someone found me when I was like that.

I needed it now. Needed it like a drug. But with one of Negan's lackies trailing after me i couldn't risk it. I went to my old apartment instead. I closed the door behind me and turned the lock. Not because I was afraid I would be attacked, but because I wanted to be clear that I didn't want any visitors. I hated Fat Joey for taking my closet from me. And in that moment I hated Negan for stealing my one chance at peace.

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Negan
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When I closed the door behind me, Dwight turned around to face me. He was covered in road dust and mud and still sweating, but the exhaustion wasn't in his eyes. He and his guys had been outside the fence for almost three days trying to find the bastards responsible. As much as he and I had our differences in the past he was absolutely loyal to Jo and one hundred percent dedicated to finding the people who did this.

Dwight quickly dropped to a knee in front of me and looked up at me. "I found them," he said.

"What?" I asked in shock. I had expected a lead maybe, not the whole kit and caboodle.

"We found their complex. It's huge, well fortified, fifty people at least. A couple of their guys went out on their own and we followed them to some abandoned warehouses. When they separated we snatched one of them. We were going to bring him back here to question him. He was a real weird asshole. Then we found a small scouting group."

"Take a seat," I said quickly, striding to the front of the table. I dropped down into my chair feeling like a kid on Christmas. "You need something to eat?" I asked.

Dwight shook his head but it didn't matter. "Travis!" I bellowed. The door opened and Travis stuck his head in.

"Yeah boss?" he asked.

"Get D a bowl of those Chinaman's noodles," I called. I felt a small pang, knowing in better times Jo would have blistered my hide for calling him that. I cleared my throat and pushed away those memories. That's all they were right now, memories.

Travis looked pissed to be fetching for Dwight but I didn't give a shit, and he was too chickenshit to disobey me over his ego. He nodded and closed the door behind himself.

"Tell me everything," I ordered severely when it was just the two of us.

"It was a small scouting group that we came across, a guy and two chicks. They looked like they had been out on a run, had full packs of supplies. I had to kill one of them to stop the others. I picked the weakest of the group. I tried talking to them, made the offer, told them we didn't need to kill anyone else if they fall in line-"

I nodded, although I wasn't exactly certain that was true I wasn't going to argue the point now. It was typically the company line.

"They had a guy waiting to ambush us. We shot one of their guys, maybe killed him too. Hard to say. We lost a couple men, and I called everyone back."

"You fell back?" I asked raising a dangerous eyebrow. "You retreated? You ran away like a little bitch?" I asked for clarification my eyes hard. He had those bastards and he had let them escape.

Dwight's eyes widened and he went very still as though that would save him from my anger. "No one else had the information I did. I brought back the information."

I nodded and exhaled. He wasn't wrong on that point, but the need to make them pay was palpable. "Good, we'll scout it out a little more tomorrow. I want to know numbers, firepower everything. I also want this kept quiet," I said sternly. "We are not winging this shit. When we hit them it will be precise and with everything we got. No mistakes. You said the people were fighters huh?" I asked thoughtfully.

Dwight cleared his throat uncomfortably before he continued. Something was making him real nervous. "Do you remember when Sherry and I ah..." he dragged off, looking up at me with a pained expression.

"I don't ever forget D," I assured him. "What's it got to do with this?"

"When we were out there in the forest. We ran into a guy. He was a hell of a survivor, a tracker. He offered to take us back with him to his people. We knew we would be safest here, so we doublecrossed him, took his crossbow and his bike to get back here."

"The crossbow asshole?" I asked in disbelief.

Dwight nodded. "He was one of them there today."

I threw my head back and laughed loud and long. "That is the funniest shit I have ever heard," I told him. "I bet he was real happy to see your smiling face."

Dwight shrugged. "Threatened to kill me."

I nodded. I couldn't say I blamed the guy. "You probably deserved it. Stole his bike and his crossbow..." I dragged off and looked Dwight over. I hadn't seen him without the stupid crossbow in months. "Speaking of which...where is your crossbow?"

Dwight's jaw tightened and I threw back my head and laughed again. I was really starting to like this guy. "Sounds like my kind of asshole. And you say he's a tracker? We ain't had one of those since Dixon, might be useful if we could flip him."

"I don't think that's going to happen boss," Dwight said honestly. "He isn't exactly a joiner."

"Well," I said thoughtfully. "We'll just have to make him an offer he can't refuse," I said with a smile that had too much teeth. "Find the right pressure point."

"How?" Dwight asked.

There was a loud knock on the door. "Come in!" I called. Travis came in and set a bowl of noodles down in front of Dwight. He nodded respectfully to me before he backed out the door and closed it behind him.

Dwight dug in.

"Well now..." I dragged off thoughtfully. "Grab yourself a hot meal, and a hot shower and get your ass back out there. If he is a tracker, he'll be on your trail. You did kill one of their women, and if he's as big of a badass as you say he'll be coming for you," I flashed Dwight a shark tooth smile. "We're going to get these assholes and you'll be the perfect bait."

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Hi everyone! I hope you are still enjoying the story. This was a pretty heavy Negan chapter. Things are ramping up! Thank you so much as always for your support!