Hello all! It's that time of year again!!! NaNoWriMo!!!! Woo hoo!! Get excited! It means a lot of writing this month! The goal is 50,000 words! Here we go!

Happy Reading!

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Jo

I stood out in the growing gloom and watched the road long after their truck disappeared from sight. Guards had moved and changed shifts several times, but they had all moved around me, giving me a wide berth. Finally sick of everyone skuttling around me like I still had the plague, or like I was going to come unglued,

I turned to head back inside.
Kate's words were still echoing in my head as I moved through the darkness. Was I selfish? I certainly had been consumed with my own issues since I got back. I could have done more for Kate. I should have. I had avoided her when she lived here convinced it was better for her to be with Merle instead of me. I had been too unstable when I first returned to be there for her, but had I allowed myself to use that as an excuse?
I tightened my jaw feeling like even more of a failure. I had let Kate down and I had let Merle down. She was absolutely right about that. I should have been better, faster, stronger somehow. I should have been able to do more, but I had given up.

Despite how foggy most of the memories still were for me, that one was absolutely clear. I remembered the exact moment I realized I couldn't keep going. That I simply wasn't strong enough anymore. I had given up and Merle had stepped in.
Kate was right. Merle was dead because of me.

Tears burned the backs of my eyes but I wouldn't let myself cry here. I wouldn't let anyone else see the weakness. I would never, could never, be weak like that again. All that time I had wasted with Negan and worrying about other things I should have been training. None of this would have happened had I simply trained more, been better. Stronger.

I stumbled towards the door that would lead me inside away from everyone else. I needed to be by myself. I needed some time alone to think. The door opened for me before I reached it. My eyes snapped up to see Dwight standing in the shadows, holding the door for me, trying to be as unobtrusive as possible. Negan had sent him here to watch me. I couldn't remember how long it had been since I had seen Negan myself. All I knew was that it was before Kate left. 

It was fine, I wanted to be alone. Needed to be alone. Instead of going back to his apartment I went to mine. I needed time to myself. I needed to be alone to think. I couldn't think in his room. Negan was a force of nature. All consuming. Like he was a planet I was stuck orbiting around. If I let myself he would pull me along with him and things would go right back to the way they were before. I couldn't let that happen. I had to think clearly and make my decisions for myself. Being with Negan had clouded my judgement before. It wasn't going to again. I wouldn't let it.

I moved through the hallways and stairwells back towards my apartment. I didn't see anyone and I was glad. I didn't want to answer any questions or see the pity on any more faces. Everyone knew I had lost Merle. The pity was somehow worse than when people were afraid of me. I hadn't thought that was possible.

I reached my apartment  and paused with my head outside the door. Predictably, a few moments later Dwight's blond head poked around the corner, checking to make sure I had indeed gone into the apartment. He flinched when he met my gaze and immediately looked sheepish.

"Sorry," he mumbled. "I wasn't supposed-" he started to explain and then he stopped, looking away uncomfortably.

I realized then Negan must have warned him to watch me but not bother me. I tightened my jaw. It wasn't Negan's business who spoke to me and who didn't. Just like it wasn't his job to force someone who was clearly uncomfortable being around me to follow me everywhere.
Some of my anger must have shown on my face because Dwight took a measured step back from me.

"Well, I'm here now," I told Dwight, my voice was still hoarse. I cleared my throat. "I'm not going to leave so you can go," I assured him.

He shifted uncomfortably but didn't look convinced. He might be uncomfortable being around me, and maybe even slightly afraid of me, but he was still more afraid of Negan. For once that irritated me. For once I just wanted someone to listen to me. 
I sighed in irritation. "Look, I know you have to go check in with him. So tell him I'm fine and tell him..." I pressed my lips together. I wanted my meaning to be clear, and if Negan wasn't around for me to give him the message myself then I needed to choose my words carefully so there was no room for interpretation. "I'm going to stay here. I need some space."

Dwight looked at me like I was insane and I guess I didn't blame him. Negan wasn't known for having much patience with the messenger. I thought about ways I could soften it, but I didn't want Negan to misunderstand. I needed time and space away from him.

"Tell him I'm okay," I added chewing on my lip. It felt juvenile to send word through Dwight, but I knew Negan would push me to stay with him in his room. He would be relentless and I was just tired enough and in need of comfort that I knew I would give in.

"Tell him I need this," I added quickly and then I closed the door before I could change my mind. For the first time since coming there I turned the lock. Guaranteeing my privacy.

I leaned against the door and closed my eyes. Part of me wanted to run after Dwight, tell him never mind and go climb into Negan's bed where I could sleep and pretend none of this had happened. But the other part of me recognized that for the weakness it was. I couldn't pretend anymore. I was stronger than that. Stronger than this. I had to be.

Things with Negan were so intense and felt like it had all come so quickly. I wanted to hang on with both hands and see where it went, but I also recognized lust and passion weren't necessary the building blocks for the most stable relationship. I was emotional right now, I needed to focus and decide what I needed. It bothered me the way he pushed me to just get over it, as though I were one of his soldiers to command. A real relationship with Negan was going to be difficult. He was an alpha male to the fullest and in The Sanctuary he couldn't be seen yielding to anyone. If any one of his men sensed weakness the tenuous peace here could shatter.

I knew I cared about him, was fascinated by him and certainly attracted to him, but was that enough? I knew myself well enough to know that anything less than being complete equals was unacceptable.

I turned on the light over the sink but left the rest of the lights off, hoping to soothe the pounding migraine that was brewing. I took a hot shower and pulled on my pajamas. I was still stiff and sore. It would be a while before I fully healed. Even the small amount I did today had exhausted me. It made me feel unsettled and weak. I tossed and turned on the narrow twin bed for almost an hour before I gave up. I climbed to my feet and moved into the kitchen. I pulled a steak knife from one of the drawers and brought it back, setting it on my nightstand. All of my normal knives were still in Negan's room, but having even just one knife within reach helped. Finally I drifted off to sleep.

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Negan

It was late, and I was exhausted. I just wanted to finish this shit up, and go check on Jo. Paula had told me Kate and Tom left a few hours ago. I had half expected Jo to turn up in the marketplace at some point. I was hoping seeing her sister had helped her somehow. They could grieve for Merle together and maybe Katie could shake Jo out of feeling so guilty over Merle's death. It wasn't her fault. There had been nothing she could have done differently. I wouldn't have pegged Jo for one to have survivor's guilt either.

"Boss, we've got a problem," Simon's voice came from behind me and I sighed. I was sick of hearing nothing but bad news out of his mouth. Seemed all he did these days was bring me bad news and problems he thought we needed to fix.

I turned around, tightening my grip on Lucille where she rested over my shoulder. "Simon, you know I hate when you say shit like that to me. I am not looking for problems, I am looking for solutions," I flashed him a toothy smile. 

"Bud's crew..." Simon started to say. He was hedging, fidgety as shit and nervous as a hell.
I wasn't having it. Not tonight. I was too goddamn tired for his bullshit tonight. 

I turned back to Simon frowning. "What about them?" I asked. Bud's crew had been missing since yesterday. Simon and a handful of others had been gone most of the goddamn day looking for them.

Some had thought they skipped trail and defected. A run crew of their size and experience could easily survive on their own. Simon however had argued it made more sense that something happened to them. At the time I was admittedly distracted and it had sounded like loyalty. Now that I was chewing over it, it smelled goddamn suspicious.

"We found them," Simon shrugged and he snorted as a small smile crinkled the corners of his eyes. "Well, what was left of them."

I lifted a brow. "Don't leave me in goddamn suspense," I snarled.
I was not in the mood for Simon's psycho shit right now and if he was smiling over our dead he and I were about to have words. I swung Lucille off my shoulder and leaned her against the wall freeing up my hands. Just in case.

A small sliver of fear slid through Simon's eyes and he took a step back. Good, lately the man seemed confused about who had the biggest dick around here.

He swallowed before he responded, the smile falling from his face. "They're ah-they're all dead."

"All eight?" I growled angrily.

Simon nodded. "Someone blew them to hell sometime yesterday."

"Blew them to hell?" I asked, frowning at his word choice. Simon was a lot of things, but he wasn't prone to exaggeration. Not for something like this.

"There were only pieces left and what was there was charbroiled. The bikes were completely destroyed," he added like I goddamn cared about a pile of motorcycles. We had bigger problems if someone was turning my people into brisket. "Nothing but an explosion could have caused that kind of damage."

I crossed my arms over my chest and chewed on the inside of my lip thoughtfully. Something about this didn't smell right. Simon was acting like even more of a weasel than usual about this. Whatever was up his ass lately, this had something to do with it.

"And none of our checkpoints heard this supposed giant explosion?" I asked.

Simon shook his head. Looking pretty goddamn certain of himself. "Couldn't have, there's no way."

And there it was. The missing piece. "There's no way?" I drawled dangerously. "Where exactly did you find them?"

Simon froze, seeming to realize what he had just done. "South of the breaking point," Simon mumbled. He didn't dare goddamn lie to me, but he knew he was trapped.

"South of-" I stopped myself and took a steadying breath, biting back the urge to start yelling. I was too goddamn exhausted to keep my temper in check and if he kept spouting stupidity I was going to start swinging. "Who in the shitting hell gave them permission to push past the checkpoints without backup?"

Simon's guilty look said it all. The slimy, two-faced, son of a bitch had gone behind my back.

I narrowed my eyes at him and took a threatening step towards him. "What in the shit were you thinking?" I asked in disbelief.

Simon narrowed his eyes, puffing his chest up like he could actually stand up to me and defend his decision. "I thought that we needed more supplies. We lost a lot of ground with the sickness. Bud and his group were more than capable of making a push out by themselves."

I made a noise of disbelief in my throat. "Oh you thought, well clearly you goddamn didn't or they wouldn't be dead." I exclaimed. "Who in the goddamn hell gave you permission to make that kind of decision?" I growled taking another step towards him.

Simon shifted his weight, but didn't back down. "You've had a lot going on, been distracted by-" the look in my eyes stopped him before he dared utter her name. He swallowed hard. "I-I was just taking-" he stammered.

I stepped into his space, backing him towards the wall. "Taking what Simon?" I growled and when he didn't answer me I narrowed my eyes at him. "You were goddamn taking, what?"

It took a second longer than it should, but finally he looked down and away from me, tucking his chin like a puppy that had been kicked for pissing on the carpet. I stepped him back another step so he was forced into the wall. He flinched when his shoulder blades hit the cold cement. "Are we backsliding Simon?" I asked him, my voice low and dangerous. I was so past done with him, if he wanted to have it out we sure as shit could. I was in the mood. A little goddamn gratuitous violence might just be the thing I needed I get my head on straight.

Instead, he swallowed nervously and shook his head. "Course not boss," he promised earnestly.

"Good, because I would hate to have to remind you of all those goddamn things you did before I took The Sanctuary. Hell, I would hate to have to remind everyone else of them too," I threatened and he wilted even more. No one here would understand what he had done. No one was going to forgive that psycho shit and we both knew it.

I stepped away, letting him straighten before I cocked my head and spoke again. "You make decisions like that and people die. Now it's on your conscience. Such as it is," I added,with a disgusted shake of my head. "I kill people, I do not get them killed. There is a goddamn difference. You got people killed."

Simon looked away but not before I saw a flash of anger in his eyes. I opened my mouth, about to say something about it when I spotted Dwight over Simon's shoulder.

I tightened my jaw. I had told him, I goddamn told him not to leave her side and here he was in the market. I quickly scanned everyone within fifty feet of him but I didn't see Jo. It wasn't like she was one to blend in either. So what the shit was he doing here?

I turned my head back to Simon. "Can nobody follow simple goddamn directions anymore?" I growled and he braced himself, like I was going to hit him.

"We'll finish this later," I snarled down at Simon. I stalked towards Dwight.

"Looking forward to it," Simon muttered almost too low for me to hear.

I whipped back around to face him, but he had already turned away and was headed towards the barracks. I wasn't going to go after him for it. Not tonight. I needed to make sure Jo was okay first. I had been away from her way too long dealing with everyone else's bullshit.

I had pushed her hard today, maybe too hard. She had been on the edge of a breakdown and to shake her out of it I pushed when maybe I shouldn't have. I knew she was strong, much stronger than she gave herself credit for, and stronger than me. Still, I had been second guessing myself ever since. I wasn't one to second guess myself. Ever. I made a decision and I moved forward end of story. But Jo had me spinning. I almost lost her and that wasn't something I was just going to get over.

I caught Dwight's eye and he stepped to the side of the hall, waiting for me where we could have privacy. Something tightened in my chest. Dwight thinking we needed privacy to chat meant something was up.

I scooped up Lucille and stalked across the market towards Dwight. People scurried out of my way. It shouldn't have made me so pleased but it did. I was too goddamn tired to recognize how vulnerable she had made me, but it was plain to see for any asshole who cared to look.

I didn't even know when it happened. When she got sick? When I thought she was bit? The first time she called me out on my bullshit down in the gym? Or maybe it was the first time I looked into those forest green eyes when she was in the ring, fighting for that asshole. Didn't matter, it had happened.

I had a weakness. A big one.

"What happened?" I asked before Dwight had a chance to say anything. "Where is she?" I demanded, scanning the area around us again just to make sure I hadn't missed her. Vulnerable as she was right now I didn't want her wandering around The Sanctuary without someone keeping an eye on her.

Dwight swallowed. "She's in her apartment," he assured me quickly.

I nodded, waiting for his excuse why he wasn't goddamn with her. Then it his words fully hit me.
"Her room?" I asked, scowling. "Why didn't you bring her back to my room?" The room with the goddamn guards outside of it.

Dwight shifted his weight. "I didn't bring her anywhere. I don't know that anybody does," he added half under his breath. "Not sure anybody could."

I snorted, knowing he was right. If Jo didn't want to go somewhere no one was going to make her.
"So you left her in her room..." I clarified, arching a brow.

Dwight swallowed. "My shift was done two hours ago," he said uncomfortably. "She's in her room with the door locked."

Not goddamn likely. The woman never locked her door. I had been bitching about it like an old woman for months. Dwight had stayed longer than his shift, which I appreciated,  but it still left her unguarded now.

I needed to find Jo some kind of permanent protection. With Merle dead and Tommy boy off running the Satellite outpost it left only Dwight that she was comfortable being around, and honestly that I was comfortable being around her. Especially now, when she was fluctuating between being entirely vulnerable and killing anyone who came too close. I thought over my best: Regina, Gavin, Simon. I didn't want any of them around her when she was vulnerable. What made them the best was that they were opportunistic survivors. I tugged at the collar of my shirt as I even thought about letting Simon near her. She didn't realize what an opportunity she presented but after almost losing her I was painfully aware. I needed someone loyal to her. I didn't give a shit if they were more loyal to her than me. It had never bothered me with Merle. In fact it might be better. I wasn't worried about Jo leading some kind of hostile takeover. If she took over nothing about it would be hostile.

Unfortunately, all my requirements still left me for the time being with Dwight. But, as illustrated tonight, Dwight wasn't on the payroll. Not fully. As per my own goddamn rules I was at the mercy of however many shifts he chose to sign up for working for points still.

I cracked my neck. I needed him onboard. Fully. No matter what it took.

Something back in the market had caught Dwight's attention and he looked worried. I followed his gaze and spotted his wife and sister-in-law moving through the stalls together. It was rare to see them out by themselves. Dwight was always with them, but not tonight.

No doubt it was because he had stayed late with Jo, but that wasn't going to stop me from using it. Jo was too important to me to care about the ethics of what it took to keep her safe.

"Hey D," I called after him lazily.
He turned back to me, looking nervous. Smart boy.

"You been picking up an awful lot of extra shifts," I observed casually.

He nodded grudgingly. He would have had to be an idiot to not recognize I had a point I was getting to.

I snorted and shook my head. "Man, it has gotta be expensive as hell, all those meds for your sister-in-law...and..." I stopped and shifted my weight as I made a show of trying to remember. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but neither of them work do they? Something about you not trusting the men here or my ability to keep women safe under my own roof..." I shook my head. "Either way, must be tough."

Dwight swallowed his eyes flickering back to the market. "We get by," he said tightly.

"Not as well as you all would if the girls got themselves a job...or if you changed your mind about kneeling...join the crew...'stead of just working for points," I clarified like he wouldn't goddamn understand what I was getting at. 

Dwight's eyes widened like he didn't know what to say. He looked scared. I had hoped for thoughtful but hell, fear was always useful.

"But-" I added and he flinched. "We can always talk about it later. I'm just saying, might be better for the girls in the long run. There's no telling how expensive those meds can get."

Dwight nodded too many times and his eyes flickered towards his exit. He swallowed once and turned back to me. "It was rough with Kate," he told me. "The things Kate said to her..." he shook his head. "It was bad. Jo went to her room cause she said she wanted to be alone. She needed time."

My fist tightened around Lucille and I saw red. If Kate were still here I would slap her for making her sister feel like shit a second time today. She was a selfish, stupid bitch who needed to learn her place and when to keep her mouth shut.  If it wouldn't make Jo mad I was tempted to call Kate back here, and force her to stay at The Sanctuary for a while without Tommy until she learned some goddamn manners. She thought because she was Jo's sister she was untouchable. The next time I saw her we were going to have words.

I turned to head towards Jo's room. She shouldn't have been left alone after something like that. Dwight opened his mouth to say something, I was guessing a repeat of her desire to be left alone. I leveled a look that had him snapping his mouth shut again. I didn't give a shit what Jo said. There was no way I was leaving her alone when she was hurting. 

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Jo

It was the middle of the night when one of my nightmares jolted me fully awake. I bolted up right, clutching the sheet to my chest as my heart thundered out of control. I couldn't remember what the nightmare had been about, and honestly I didn't want to think too hard about it. There were just too many that could cripple me far too easily.

I sniffed back tears and closed my eyes as I fought to slow my breathing. I focused on that and the sound of my heart as it's beating slowed. Once it was back to normal I opened my eyes uncertain what had woken me.

It took longer than it should have for me to realize I wasn't alone in the room. My breath caught once more in my throat and instinctively I rolled myself up to my feet. I landed in a crouch beside the bed. Holding myself perfectly still, I stretched my senses. Everything was quiet but there had been something that woke me. I didn't have a knife on me. I hadn't since that day. I once again found myself regretting that decision.

The sound came again, a shifting of fabric on fabric. I reached for the knife on the nightstand and swung around prepared to fight. My muscles protested the motion but they complied and I gritted my teeth again the pain. A bone bruise on one arm and the other shoulder torn to pieces, I was decidedly less than one hundred percent.

It took less than ten seconds for me to spot the source. I exhaled the tension leaving my painful shoulders. Negan was asleep on my couch.

I scowled. He wasn't supposed to be here. I had made it perfectly clear I wanted to be alone and he had ignored me. I made a sound of consternation and he blinked awake.

"You okay?" He asked in a sleep rough voice. He rubbed adorably at one of his eyes, looking, not innocent, but soft.

I gritted my teeth and straightened my shoulders. "What are you doing here?"

Negan pushed himself up on an elbow and looked around in confusion. "Sleeping," he said as though it were obvious.

"You're on my couch," I growled out the words. I needed to be able to wrap myself in my anger, I needed it to insulate me, but I was failing miserably.

Negan frowned at me, his eyes still blurry from sleep. "Where else would I be?" he asked.

"In your bed!" I exclaimed gesturing towards the door. I didn't understand, how was he failing to understand I didn't want him here.

"You're the one who wanted to stay here," he snapped back, like this was all my fault.

I pulled back, scowling at him, "But you aren't supposed to be here. I locked my door," I snapped motioning towards it. "How'd you even get in?"

"With my key," he responded as though it were obvious. I could hear the smile in his voice now and it made me want to throw something at him.

I should have known he would keep one. Couldn't he take a hint? I wanted to be alone. I opened my mouth to tell him, but there was something in his eyes, something in the way he was watching me that cooled my frustration.

I chewed on my lip, resisting the urge to squirm under the intensity of his gaze. "But that couch is too short for you," I hedged.

Negan chuckled and it was low and sexy. "Yeah, it sure as shit is sweetheart, and even more uncomfortable than it looks," he flashed me a teasing smile as he stretched.

In the dim light I could see he was shirtless, sleeping in nothing but his black jeans. He stretched his arms over his head made the muscles in his chest and shoulders stretch and flex. It was too dim for me to make out his tattoos clearly but that didn't stop me from trying.

A suggestive laugh rumbled up his chest and I realized I had been caught staring. "Of course, I would be happy to scoot over and we could share," he offered winking at me.

I looked away quickly, angry at myself for being so easily distracted by him. I turned away and walked the knife back to the nightstand. I laid it down carefully.

"Jo," he said my name in a quiet, serious voice and in that single word I could hear how worried he was about me. How much he wanted to help me but couldn't.

I pinched my eyes shut as tears burned behind them, I didn't know what I wanted. I climbed back into bed, turning my back to him as I cocooned the blankets around me. If I looked at him again I was going to climb onto the couch with him and let him hold me all night.

"Jo?" He said again and I heard him sit up.

I pinched my eyes shut as tears burned in them. "Please Negan," I said and my voice caught. "I'm just too tired." I told him honestly.

He was silent for a long moment and I wondered if he was going to get up and leave me. I wouldn't have blamed him if he had.

Finally, he settled back in. "Good night sweetheart," he called to me in a gentle tone.

I didn't respond, but I drifted off to the sound of him breathing.

"If you need me I'm here."

I'm not sure if the last words were real or if I dreamed them, but they were reassuring and they helped me sleep.

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Negan

The damn couch was way too short and there was no way I was going to be able to sleep well, if at all, but I wasn't going to leave her. Not after the haunted look in her eyes and the tears I heard in her voice before she went back to sleep. She wasn't okay. Not yet.

She didn't want me here. She had made that as obvious as she could when she first woke up without actually saying the words. I wasn't going take no for an answer however. She needed me here whether she was willing to admit it or not. The last thing she needed after losing Merle was to be alone, and if it was just me being in the room with her that was fine. I would do whatever she needed.

I shifted again, trying to get more comfortable. She was sleeping. Her breathing had evened out ten minutes before. I shifted the pillows around but it was no use. Resigning myself I stood, snatched up my pillow and blanket and moved down to the floor near her bed. It was hard and cold, but at least it wasn't too small and she was close by if she needed something.

I drifted off for another few minutes before she started whimpering in her sleep. I waited a beat to see if she would settle like she had the few times before. When she didn't I pushed myself up to my knees beside the bed.

"Jo, sweetheart," I said gently. I brushed a strand of hair off her forehead and gently squeezed her arm. "Jo?" I whispered again, hoping I could just shift her enough to go back to sleep.

When it didn't work I clicked on the bedside lamp. She mumbled but didn't wake up. I tightened my hand on her bicep. "Jo." I said her name firmly.

I could blame it on the fact that I was still half asleep, or that I had spent all day thinking of her as being vulnerable and weak and had forgotten what she was really capable of, but either way it didn't matter. I made the mistake and I paid for it. 

Her eyes flashed open, but no one was home. She didn't see me at all. I moved to take a step back, to give her room so she would recognize me and not feel trapped. In less than half a second she was moving. She snatched the knife I had forgotten about from the nightstand and launched herself at me. The knife flashing towards my throat.

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Jo

I was dreaming about that room again. The overpowering scent of sick and blood and biters made my stomach roll just like before. Only this time Kate was there, strapped down to a bed on the other side of the room and I couldn't get to her. I was struggling but once more I could feel the effects of the drugs in my system. My arms were sluggish and heavy and my thoughts scattered every time I tried to focus. The room tilted like a fun house. Katie was screaming for me to help her and Merle but I wasn't strong enough. I tried to move towards them, but I fell to my knees.

A spotlight clicked on over head and suddenly I could feel the heat of the lights and the cool sand of the ring beneath my hands. I could still hear Katie and Merle calling for me to help them, but there was another voice calling out to me.

"Jo," his voice growled and I tried to get away. I couldn't let him touch me. I had always managed to keep him scared enough to leave me alone. I couldn't stop now. I had to keep fighting.

"You can't win," The Governor's voice echoed all around me. "You aren't strong enough."

"Ya still with me Barbie?" Merle voice echoed but I couldn't see him. "Fight 'til you can't no more."

"Jo," the governor's voice was soft now. A low, rumbling growl.
I tried to stand, to pull away but the drugs were too heavy. They made my thoughts sluggish and my blood moved like molasses through my veins.

"Jo," the voice was more firm now and he latched onto my arm, jolting me free.

Suddenly, I was free, I could move. My eyes snapped open and I wasn't in the ring anymore, but that didn't matter, he was still holding me. My knife was close. I rolled towards it, snatching it off the table at the same time I moved. Instead of backing down like he would expect, I launched myself into him. My entire body weight hit his chest as I aimed the knife for his throat.

If he had a knife of his own I was dead. I had no way of blocking it. But it was worth it. Worth the risk, worth the chance to kill him. To save myself and Kate and Merle from the hell he put us through I would take the chance and strike.

"Jo!" He bellowed my name again. Trying to distract me. He caught me by the wrists stopping me as I slammed into his chest. I twisted, fighting to bring my knee up between us. I just needed-

"Goddamnit Jo it's me!" He bellowed in my face. "I don't want to hurt you," he growled through gritted teeth as he struggled to hold me. It was a lie. All Phillip had ever done was lie and hurt me.

I twisted again and managed to wrench my wrist free. He let go just before any serious damage could have been done. Idiot. If he had held on I would have damaged it myself just to get away. Like an animal in a trap.

I swung my loose fist towards his temple, intent on knocking him out. He grunted. Grabbed both my arms and jerked me into his chest. He rolled us faster than I knew he could move. Phillip wasn't this fast. Before I could think my way through it, he slammed my wrists above my head.

"Look at me!" He bellowed into my face.

His words didn't make sense. I coiled to strike again and he swore.

"Goddamn Carson was right," he muttered and he slammed my wrists together against the floor, once, twice, three times...soon I lost feeling and the knife clattered against the cement floor.

The noise was like a gunshot and as soon as I was no longer holding the knife the pain in my wrists and hands reached me.

Something was wrong.

I blinked for a second and twisted out of his grip. He let me go.
The Governor never let me go. Only one person did. I forced myself into lock down. Every muscle was stretched painfully as I forced myself to stay still. He reached for me. His hand moving slowly as he watched me for any sign I was going to attack again.

He took my throbbing hand gently in his own and laid my palm flat against his chest. His heart was thundering beneath my palm from restraining me, but his eyes were somehow gentle. Even after everything I had done.

Negan

I stared down at the knife in my hand in horror. I could have killed him. Negan was one of the best fighters I knew, and it was only because he was stronger than me and just as quick that he had managed to survive.

"Jo," Negan's voice was soft as he looked down at me.

My eyes felt too wide, like a spooking horse. I stumbled back away from him. He held on for a moment, but when I pulled against his grip he let me go.

"It's okay sweetheart."

I shook my head and turned and ran for the door. I didn't know where I was going but I had to get away.

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Hope you enjoyed the update! Thank you as always for the votes and comments, you guys keep my writing!