Okay, so...sorry about that last one...yes, I did that...I promise it's for a reason...it wasn't just to be mean...please forgive me. 

This update ended up being a lot longer than I anticipated. I had hoped to get one out to your guys pretty fast so you wouldn't have to sit on that last one, but this chapter kept growing. I look forward to reading your thoughts!

Happy Reading!

<><><><><>

Jo

I woke up cocooned in a pile of blankets. Everything felt warm and safe. There was soft, mid-afternoon light coming from somewhere behind me. I was surrounded by the warm, reassuring scent of citrus and sandalwood. There was a name connected to that scent that meant safety and security, but it eluded me, and I was honestly too tired to find it. I burrowed deeper in the blankets wanting to stay here forever, wrapped up half asleep, half awake where everything felt safe.

I moved again and something tugged my arm. I frowned and ducked my head under the covers, trying to see what had me trapped. I moved my opposite hand and traced the outline of an IV. I ducked my head out of the covers and looked up to see an IV bag hanging above me. The sunlight glimmered through it, sending a stream of distorted light across the wall.

I flinched.

I sucked in a breath and held it, barely able to process the flickering memories. I had seen it before, been distracted by it before, and a nightmare followed.

I was strapped down. Tied to the bed and left to die like so many others. The snarls of biters were everywhere, echoing off concrete walls.

"Get him out of here!" someone was screaming across the room. I turned my head towards it, towards the sounds of life, just like the biters. They had left me here.

I shuddered and pinched my eyes shut trying desperately to push away the horrible memories and hold onto the fleeting feeling of security and comfort. When I closed my eyes however there were phantom images of death and screaming and of Merle stepping in front of me.

I choked on a sob curling myself into a ball, fighting desperately to keep the memories at bay. They were hazy and nightmarish. Like it hadn't really happened. Or like it happened to someone else. Like it wasn't real. I didn't want it to be real. It couldn't be real.

Tears were streaming silently from my eyes as though my body had already accepted what my mind was still rebelling against.

"Jo?" A soft voice came from beside the bed. I didn't recognize it, I didn't want to recognize it. I just wanted to be left alone because it should have been someone else's voice. But he wasn't here.

"Jo, honey?" They pushed again, their voice maddeningly calm. Didn't they know what happened? How could they possibly be so calm after all that had happened. "It's Judy."

It didn't matter who she was. She wasn't him.

She shoved back a chair and it scraped against the floor loudly . "I'll go get the doctor," she said and I heard a door open and close.

I was alone.

I flung off the covers. I couldn't stay here. I couldn't be in this place. It couldn't be real. If I stayed, it would be real. I climbed to my feet. I jolted as my bare feet hit the cold concrete floor. I looked down to find I was in clean pajamas I didn't remember putting on. I touched the soft material. They weren't my pajamas.

"It's okay sweetheart," a soft voice was whispering into my hair. I was so tired. Too tired to fight anymore. Too tired to think. Too tired to do anything but let someone else help me.

His hands were gentle as he shifted my arms. I wanted to help, but it was like my body was too heavy for me to move.

I blinked and looked around in confusion for a second before I recognized I was in Negan's apartment and had no idea how I got here. I stood numbly for an indeterminate amount of time as I wracked my fuzzy memories for how I got there.

Strong arms carried me through the halls as I sobbed uncontrollably. My body shook with the effort of holding myself together. I was coughing and it was difficult to breathe. I wanted to push away, to stand on my own, but I couldn't.

It didn't take long for me to realize I wanted no part of those memories. Those memories would make it real.

I turned.

There weren't any clothes here, but I found my boots and shoulder rig sitting on the coffee table along with a pile of knives. I touched the leather with a tentative hand. It was perfectly clean and looked as though someone had oiled it. I didn't want to think about what it meant. How bad they were, how much gore must have covered them for someone to feel the need to clean them before I saw them again.

I closed my eyes against the memories. Fighting to keep them at bay. I couldn't do it, not yet. I needed...something. I reached for the thing I always needed. The most reassuring thing I could think of. I reached for a knife. I frowned down at it. It wasn't mine. It didn't belong. As soon as my hand closed around the handle the feel of it took me back to that place in a maelstrom of terrifying memories. My breathing kicked up and I couldn't hear anything over the thunder of my own heartbeat in my ears.

He pulled me back from the woman as my stomach churned.

"Please!" she sobbed, reaching a blood coated hand towards me.

He pulled a single knife and held it out to me.

Hadn't I killed enough? Wasn't it someone else's turn?

"Barbie, you still with me?" he held the knife closer to me and I took it.

I dropped the knife like it had burned me and backed away from the table. I needed to get out of here.

I turned away from the door. There would be guards outside, I knew that and I didn't want any part of them. There would be questions and more prodding. I just wanted to be alone. I moved to the door that led into the adjoining room. When I opened it I barely noticed the gym equipment that filled it. I went over to the window. This one had access to the fire escape.

I opened the window and slid out. My arms were shaky and painful, but they held as I pushed myself up and swung my legs over. The wire-mesh platform was a icy shock on my bare feet, but it helped me think about the present. I glanced down, but no one in the courtyard was looking up.

To my knowledge I was the only person to ever use the external stairways and fire escapes. I followed the platform around the side of the factory. I climbed down the ladder three stories and went around another corner to the backside. Here it was quiet. The wind was whipping my loose pajama shirt, but I crossed my arms over my chest and appreciated how it blocked out all other noise in my head. I sat down on the cold walkway and leaned my forehead against the bars, staring off into the tree line.

Out here none of it was real. None of it had to be. Out here I could just be by myself. I didn't have to be anyone for anyone else. I watched the wind tossing the leaves and let myself float. Out here the memories didn't touch me.

I don't know how long I sat out in the wind, but it was almost dark before he found me. He didn't say anything as he tucked his jacket around my shoulders.

I hadn't realized I was shivering until I was enveloped in the warmth of the leather jacket. It smelled reassuringly like sandalwood and citrus and leather and I burrowed deeper into it, reveling in the warmth that still clung to it from his body.

He dropped down to sit beside me, grunting. His movements were stiff and jerky. Something had happened recently. Maybe not a full blown injury, but he was sore. Even half out of it and hurt my mind couldn't help, but catalog the possible weaknesses of a potential threat or ally. I thought about asking about it, but as memory flashes of blood and screaming filled my mind I pinched my eyes shut and kept my mouth closed.

I tightened my hands into fists and fought for control. I didn't want to know how much of what I was remembering was real and how much were from my drug induced nightmares. I was terrified of finding out it was all real.

"You know," he drawled casually as he leaned back on his palms and looked up at the darkening sky. "You just got over being sick. You keep sitting your fine ass out here in this wind and you are going to end up right back in that bed again."

I flinched.

He noticed, I know he did, he always noticed everything, but he didn't react. Instead, he kept his eyes up on the sky and his body relaxed beside me. There was no way he was actually that casual. Not with everything that had happened.

I pinched my eyes shut and moved past the thought as quickly as possible. I thought about my question carefully, not wanting to leave it open for him to say anything about what we were absolutely not talking about. I didn't want him to say anything that could trigger a memory I wasn't prepared to face.

"How long have I been asleep in your room?" I finally settled on. My throat was sore and my voice was hoarse, like it hadn't been used for a while.

Negan glanced sideways at me then quickly turned back to the sky and part of me knew I wasn't going to like the answer. "You've been in and out for five days." He said gruffly.

"Five days?" I asked, my voice catching and I coughed lightly. It couldn't have been five days. That wasn't possible. I would know.

Negan shifted. "The doc, he thought..." he stopped and pinched his lips together in frustration. "You needed to rest until...well, until you were better."

I turned to face Negan for the first time. He looked exhausted. There were deep lines on his face making him look older than he was. Stress and exhaustion and something else I couldn't quite place.

"You kept me drugged for five days?" I asked in a strangely mild tone. I didn't know what to say to that, what to feel. Outrage would have been a perfectly legitimate reaction, but I was too tired to be outraged. I couldn't even muster up the energy to voice mild frustration.

"Jo-" Negan started to say, to explain, but he closed his hand over my forearm and I was rewarded with another memory.

Negan closed his hand over my arm, dragging me back. I fought. I fought him with everything I had. I couldn't leave now. I couldn't leave him behind.

"Jo!" Negan yelled my name, dragging me towards him as the herd was closing in on us. Several stopped, distracted by Merle's body. They knelt down over it to begin-

I ripped my arm away from Negan, my breathing was coming so hard and so fast it shook my entire body. I scrambled back from him, my eyes wide and filled with horror.

Was that a memory? Or had it actually happened. The drugs were still in my system and they made everything hazy. I was struggling to tell the difference between reality and the nightmares that had gripped me.

The next thing I realized I was on all fours, struggling to breathe. My whole body shook with the effort it was taking to keep breathing past the overwhelming tightness in my chest. My throat felt like it was closing up. I sucked in another ragged breath. It couldn't be real. This couldn't be real.

"Jo," Negan's voice was a tight rasp and I lifted my head and allowed my eyes to focus on him. He hadn't moved from his spot, but he was turned towards me, his body tense and ready to move. "The doc said you are having panic attacks," his voice was low, but I could hear the tension. "Let's not have one sixty feet up," he said, his eyes flickering to the edge of the platform.

I turned towards the railing in confusion, not following his train of thought.

"I'm sorry," he was speaking slowly now, like I was a wounded animal. "I shouldn't have touched you, and I won't, unless you say it's okay," he promised. He moved slowly, drawing his legs up beneath himself as he moved up into a crouch. He moved his hands like he wanted to touch me, to help me, but he held himself back. "Come on sweetheart," he said in a low voice. "Let me help you."

I frowned at him, trying to process all the words he was saying. Negan wasn't my enemy. I knew that. That was real. He wasn't a threat to me. That was real too. I nodded slowly. My body was in lockdown. I was terrified that if I moved at all I was going to lose control again.

He shifted closer to me, reaching out to help me stand. The action shifted the jacket off my shoulders and it fell.

The movement startled me and I flinched.

"What the hell's wrong with her?" a voice roared over me.

I didn't know where I was or what was happening. I needed to get away. I fought with everything I had to shake off the confining hands that sought to hold me down. I kicked and twisted. I was in so much pain. Everything hurt. It was dark. I couldn't move, I couldn't think. There was so much yelling all around me.

"DOC!" someone bellowed.

"Hold her."

Bruising fingers dug into my arm, holding me completely immobile. There was a sharp sting in my arm and then there was nothing.

I blinked away the flashes of, whatever they were. I shoved myself up into a standing position and Negan froze. He held his hands out in front of him so I could see he wasn't a threat. With trembling hands I shoved up the sleeve of the over-sized shirt. Deep purple bruises circled my bicep where someone had held me.

I looked back to Negan with a questioning gaze and he looked away, pressing his lips together like he was ashamed. "You were going to hurt yourself," he mumbled, bending down to pick up his coat. "Come on, let's get you inside."

He held out his hand and I skirted around it, pain flashed in his eyes but I couldn't stop my reactions.

<><><><><>

Negan

I stomped through the factory, too goddamn pissed to decide where I was headed.Everything I had done in the last week had been the wrong thing. I didn't know how to help Jo. I had listened to Carson and now Jo was acting like I had betrayed her somehow. Like all this bullshit was my fault.

It was impossible to get through to her. She just sat there and stared ahead. The only person I knew that could ever talk to her and get through to her was dead. I didn't know how to help her. My Jo was the strongest person I had ever met, but now she needed something and it wasn't something I could give her.

"Simon!" I snapped when I stepped into the market.

Simon's head snapped towards me and he hustled over. "Yeah Boss?" he asked warily.

"Get Katie here," I said. I was at the end of my rope. I didn't know how to help her.

"But-" Simon started to protest. When he saw the look on my face he snapped his mouth shut. It was a good move on his part. I wasn't in the mood today.

"I know what I said before, but she's awake now. Get Kate and Tom here pronto. By tomorrow morning," I added. I wasn't going to piss around with this. Jo needed help. She needed someone she could talk to, someone she could trust and she clearly didn't feel like she could trust me right now.

Simon shifted his weight uncomfortably at the look on my face. "The satellite station is still on quarantine for another two days to be sure they're in the clear," Simon said tightly. Clearly not wanting to be the asshole to give me the bad news.

I sighed, Carson was making my life more goddamn difficult than it had to be again. "Fine," I snapped knowing we couldn't fuck around with the illness. We had already lost too many people to it. Only Jo and Fat Joey had survived. "Two days," I growled out. "As soon as they have the all clear you get their asses here. Personally."

I turned to stomp away. I needed to talk to the Doc and get back to Jo. I wasn't okay with her being alone. I wasn't convinced she was okay being alone.

"Ah boss," Simon called from behind me hesitantly.

I glanced back over my shoulder irritably. "About that other situation-" he started to say. He paused and swallowed nervously as he realized I had no desire to talk about this right now. "The leader is a pussy, but I'm not sure he'll take our offer."

I grunted in annoyance. I couldn't give two shits about this bullshit right now. "Are they worth all this pain in the ass?" I asked.

Simon nodded. "They're farmers. Got a sweet little community set up at that old reenactment house."

I didn't care about trade right now, but this had been Simon's pet project and if I ignored it or let him run with it there was no telling where we would end up. He could be a bitch when he didn't get his way, and I wasn't in the mood for his pouting. "Then make it an offer they won't dare to refuse," I advised flashing him a smile with too much teeth and swinging Lucille in a circle.

Simon studied my face for a long second before he nodded. "Understood boss," he agreed than he flashed me a pleased smile that didn't reach his eyes. "Don't you worry, I'm going to take out a team and take care of this shit right now."

I nodded. "Good," I agreed but it wasn't good. I had seen the gleam of ambition in his eyes and I was going to have to take care of that before it became a problem again. I did not have time for this shit. I stalked away across the factory towards Carson's office. The old bastard had better have a better answer for me than last time.

I threw the door open without knocking and stomped over to his desk. I slammed Lucille down, making hum jump and drop his glasses into his lap.

"Jo's awake," I told him with a smile that had too much teeth.

He shoved himself to his feet. "She shouldn't be-" he started to say. He shoved his sleeve up to look down at his watch. "The drugs should have kept her out for-"

"For another what?" I challenged. "Another few days? How long were you planning on keeping her unconscious?"

Carson backed up until his back slammed into the wall. He flinched as I closed in on him. "Y-you approved the decision," he stammered, his eyes widening.

"I did when you said it was going to help her get better. Guess what doc? She isn't any better," I growled out the words, hating that I had to admit it out loud. "If anything she's worse. She's practically catatonic."

"You consider that worse than her trying to attack you?" Carson challenged.

I grabbed the front of his shirt and slammed him back against the cabinet. The metal boomed loudly and inside I could hear things falling from the shelves, but I didn't give a shit.

"L-look," he stammered. "I'm not a psychologist. Miss Dixon has suffered more psychological trauma than anyone I've ever met. I can't even begin to imagine what she went through before coming her. Based on her reactions then, I would imagine seeing her Uncle die in front of her has somehow led to a break-"

"Don't you dare," I snarled shoving him back against the wall even harder. He whimpered in pain. "She is the strongest person I have ever met, and THIS.WILL.NOT.BREAK.HER."

<><><><><>

Jo

"You have to fight."

"For how long?"

"Til ya can't anymore."

Screams bounced off the tile walls. There was blood smeared over the white surfaces, making it look like a scene from a horror movie.

"We have to get you cleaned up," the voice was almost desperate.

Still I fought. I had stopped, I had given up for one moment. One single moment and I lost Merle. It was my fault. I hadn't been strong enough. I raged against the hands trying to hold me. Twisting and kicking and striking viciously. I couldn't stop. Couldn't ever stop.

Fingers found the buckle straps of my shoulder rig, but it was so coated in blood and gore it stuck to my sweat drenched shirt, and pulled at my skin. Finally, someone growled in frustration and locked powerful arms around me. They carried me into the scalding water and held me as I sobbed.

I stood in the pristine bathroom staring at all the gleaming tile wondering if the memories of all that blood could possibly be real. Everything was perfect, right down to Negan's folded navy towels hanging on the racks.

I stood in the shower, letting the water run over me as I stared at the wall. There were so many things. So many things to think about and process. So many memories and images and nightmares I couldn't believe were real.

I don't know how long I stood in the spray. I lost track of time.

"Jo?" Negan's voice was gentle as he opened the bathroom door.

I pinched my eyes shut. I didn't want to see anyone. I wanted to just be left alone. Why didn't he understand I needed to be alone. I couldn't face him. Couldn't face anyone. Didn't he know what I had done?

The curtain moved and Negan was standing over me. He frowned down at me and it was only then that I realized I was laying down on the floor of the tub. I didn't know how I got there. He reached out and touched the water. He swore and twisted the nobs. Heat flooded me and it was only then I realized I was shivering.

He waited patiently for me to warm up. Then he held his hand out to me. "Come here," he said, his voice gruff.

I was back in that place. I was standing between the herd and his body. The knife in my hand was coated in gore. I wouldn't let them have him.

"Jo, come here!" a voice was calling to me.

I struck out at another biter and another. My body was weak but I couldn't stop. I tried to twist, tried to kick out and strike, but my body wouldn't listen. I coughed and it wrenched my whole body, making me sore, but I couldn't stop fighting. If I stopped they would get him.

Negan had turned off the water now and wrapped me in an oversized towel. He carried me over to the bed. When my eyes landed on the side where I had laid, the side with the IV above it I squirmed in his arms, fighting weakly to get away.

"No-" I started to say weakly, but he shushed me. He tightened his arms around me and climbed onto the bed. He pulled the covers up around us, and I only then realized I was still shaking.

"Shh," he whispered into my hair.

I didn't want to sleep. I couldn't sleep. But it was dark in the room now, dark and peaceful and he held me as I slept.

<><><><><>

Negan

She woke up almost every hour. I jerked awake every damn time like it was the end of the world. Sometimes it was screaming and thrashing, but other times it was just a whimper that woke me. Those were the worst.

She felt so goddamn small in my arms and I was absolutely powerless to help her. I was going to have to go talk to Carson again. This couldn't be right. Couldn't be what was best for her. She was in so much pain. It was like a knife in my chest. I needed to do something to help her.

She woke up completely around one in the morning. She blinked up at me, like she was surprised to find herself here. I didn't want to think about where she expected to wake up. Now there were options for which nightmarish place would be worse. I pinched my eyes shut and pressed my forehead into her hair. I had failed her again. I had goddamn promised her I would keep her safe, and she would never have to face something like that again and I had failed her.

"Negan?" she asked in a confused, sleep thick voice.

"Yeah sweetheart," I said gently pressing my lips against her forehead. "I'm here," I told her.

She snuggled deeper into my arms like she was cold. "What time is it?" she asked sleepily.

"It's late," I told her, tightening my hold on her, hoping to lull her back to sleep.

Her stomach gurgled loudly and it occurred to me it had been a long time since she had eaten. "Are you hungry?" I asked latching onto anything I could do.

She made a noise of agreement.

"Do you want me to get something?"

She nodded shyly.

"Okay, I'll be right back," I promised her.

I hesitantly climbed out of bed. The last time I had left her alone she tried to give herself hypothermia. But, she looked okay now. She curled up in the warm spot I had just left, tightening her arms around the pillow I was leaning against and closed her eyes. It took more effort than it should have to leave her alone. I was too goddamn emotional. I needed to get some sleep myself or I was going to be completely useless.

I slipped out of the room and walked quickly past the guards standing at attention. I didn't bother to see who it was. It didn't matter. I got her a plate of noodles from the stand she liked and was just turning to head back up to my room when the door opened and Simon and a tired run crew walked in. I balanced the plate on one hand and glanced down at my watch on my opposite wrist. It was after one in the morning. Why the hell did he have a crew out so late.

Simon nodded to me and headed my way.

"We got it," he said, his eyes glinting with excitement and something else. I knew it was always a little dangerous to let Simon go out on his own. Things had a tendency to end up bloodier than they needed to be and he enjoyed it. It was my job to keep him on a short leash if I was going to keep him around. The look on his face made me think I had let him out too much on his own lately.

"Trade deals in place," he said. "Pick up set for once a month in exchange for our protection."

I nodded, not really listening. "Good," I wanted to get back up to check on Jo again. She was a goddamn distraction right now. I knew it, but it didn't change the need I had to be with her while all this shit was going on. I had nearly lost her to that illness, I wasn't going to lose her to this.

Simon stepped in front of me, blocking my way as he continued to chatter excitedly. "Their leader had some interesting information on a couple other settlements we might wanna set up deals with," Simon said.

I nodded again. "Good," I repeated. "We'll have a meeting tomorrow. Talk about our next move," I side-stepped him tiredly.

"Big things are happening boss!" Simon said with a wild, almost maniacal grin.

"Yep," I said and I my back to him and walked away. I would deal with Simon in the morning. I was halfway across the floor of the factory when I nearly bumped into Carson and one of Simon's men. I frowned. "What's up Doc?" I asked frowning as I looked back and forth between the two men.

The man frowned. "Carl's hurt, pretty bad."

I narrowed my eyes and the man scuttled back out of reach. Simon should have said something went down. Keeping shit like that from me was unacceptable. I was going to need to shut that shit down before it turned into something bigger.

<><><><><>

Jo

Two days later I stood out in the courtyard waiting. Negan's walkie talkie had crackled to life that morning on the nightstand, waking us both up. Carson was reporting that he was lifting the quarantine restriction he had placed on the Satellite Outpost. The news had woken me, but it meant little to my tired and overstressed mind. Negan had explained to me that he had arranged for Kate to come.

I was almost ashamed to admit I hadn't thought much about Kate the last couple of days. I should have. It was preposterous for me to have not considered her in all of this. I wasn't the only one who had lost someone. She and Merle had been incredibly close. In many ways closer than Merle and I.

Things had been a blur since I woke up. I had slept for five days, and yet I was still constantly tired. Doctor Carson said it was normal. He used words like trauma and recovery and time. Then he reminded me I had narrowly escaped death by fighting off the illness. I had stopped listening to him. He was congratulating me for not being killed by the flu, for surviving when one of the most important people in my life had died saving me.

I think what made it so hard was how surreal it still felt. It wasn't just the drugs that had polluted my system making my own memories unreliable. It was the fact that I had never once even considered the possibility that Merle would die. He had always been the ultimate survivor, the eternal opportunist. Kate and I had just been lucky enough to be swept along with him.

Most days were hard, and there were still times when I would lose control and find myself in the middle of a panic attack huddled on the floor. This was the first time I had left Negan's room since I first woke up. I hadn't touched a knife since.

I tightened the over-sized sweater I wore around me. Somehow I still felt chilled despite the bright sun overhead. It was like I was always cold these days.

I watched as Tommy parked the truck and Katie climbed out. Tommy moved towards her, like he would help her, but she walked away from him, her eyes locked on my face. Her face was solemn but her jaw was set as she walked towards me. She wasn't wearing makeup and her eyes were still puffy.

I'm not sure what I expected, maybe for her to break down crying. Maybe even a hug and shared sense of loss. It was because of this I didn't block it and the crack of her palm against my face surprised me more than it hurt.

I reached up cupping my throbbing cheekbone and stared up at my sister in shock.

Her shoulders were heaving as she stared down at me with hard, angry eyes. "He protected you, saved you, came back for you and when it mattered you didn't do anything for him! He was hurt and he risked his life for you so many times and when it mattered you let him down." Her words were an ugly, angry hiss. "You got him killed."

She raised her hand to hit me again and I made no move to block it. I couldn't argue with her. I agreed with her. I had failed him. In a way there was almost a sense of relief to have someone else say the words aloud that had chased themselves around my mind for so many days.

The blow never came. Kate pulled back to hit me again and Tommy caught her arm. "Kate," he admonished.

She crumpled then, collapsing into his chest sobbing. He caught her easily against him and looked at me apologetically. There were no emotions on my face for him to read. I just stared back at him blankly. He looked away uncertainly and half carried her out of the courtyard into The Sanctuary.

I stood where I was, alone and staring straight ahead. No one else approached me. I waited until the courtyard quieted around me. Then I turned and walked back inside feeling even more hollow than I had before. I thought seeing Kate would make me feel better. It didn't.

I went up to the catwalk and sat in the cool breeze. It was dark before he came and found me. Things were busy right now, but I hadn't been paying attention. I just knew Negan had been gone a lot the last few days. His absence in the courtyard this afternoon was just another example. Big things were happening in The Sanctuary but I wasn't part of it. 

He dropped down to sit beside me. I could practically feel his frustration and impatience.

"What's going on?" I asked hollowly. I didn't want to talk about Kate. Everything felt distant and difficult to comprehend. Like I wasn't really there. Like it was happening to someone else, because this could possibly be me and my life.

"Just some trouble with another community," Negan reported. "Nothing to worry your pretty little head about," he added, forcing his voice to sound light and casual.

It didn't work, but I nodded anyway because the truth was, I didn't care. I couldn't summon up the energy to care.

"So, I heard-" he began.

"I don't want to talk about Kate," I snapped with more vehemence than I had managed to work up since it happened. I was adamant, I wasn't going into this with him. I wasn't going into it with anyone. I didn't want to talk about my feelings. 

Since all of this happened Negan had been nothing but patient with me, now however he grunted in frustration. "Well, you're gonna have to talk about something Jo," he growled out the words more forcefully than he had spoken to me since all of this had begun. "Or are you just going to stand there and let her blame you?"

I should have known someone was reporting back to Negan. His anger at Kate shouldn't have surprised me either. I hadn't been paying much attention but I was betting he was having Dwight follow me again. With Tom gone and Merle...well there just weren't that many people left that he trusted to be around me when I had so little control.

"Why wouldn't I?" I muttered the words under my breath.

Negan's head snapped around to face me his eyes snapping with barely contained rage. "Are you fucking kidding me?" he snarled. "Is that what this has all been about?" He shoved himself to his feet and latched onto my arm dragging me up after him so I was on my feet in front of him. 

Negan's face was pinched and angry as he stared down at me in disbelief. He suddenly seemed so much taller than me, more intimidating. "Is that what you are going to do? Just lay down and take it? Blame yourself?" he snarled and he shoved me back against the rail, his jaw set and a challenging gleam in his eye. 

I leaned against the rail uncertain how to respond. I felt vulnerable and there was a small part of me that was wary of him. He was too mad. Too close. He was practically pinning me against the railing. I didn't have any room to move. I needed to get away, go regroup by myself. 

He must have read something on my face because he shook his head and pressed closer. "That's not the Jo I know and certainly not the Jo I l-" he cut himself off so suddenly it was disorienting. He looked away from me. "This wasn't something you did, it was something that happened to you," he lifted his gaze, forcing me to stare into his eyes as he spoke the next words, his tone deadly serious. "You survived. Get over it."

I blinked up at him. I didn't fully understand his anger but I was starting to get angry myself. He was being a bully on purpose. You didn't just get over something because someone else thought it was time. Who was he to tell me when it was enough. 

"It's been seven days, that's more time than most of us get to grieve in this world," his voice was harsh and gruff. 

I opened my mouth to say something but stopped and looked away. I needed him to leave. I needed to be alone with my tangling thoughts. 

Negan grabbed my face in his hand, forcing me to look him in the eyes. "Merle died for you. He died on his feet and fighting for something he cared about. It's time for you to stop acting like you died in the room with him. You didn't sweetheart, you survived," he snarled. "Now start acting like it."

I shoved him. "Let me go," I told him, but he didn't move. 

He stared down at me and a smirk twisted one side of his lips. "Make me," he challenged. 

I sucked in a breath and shoved him harder. I overbalanced myself and he swung me around easily. He pinned me against the cold brick of the factory wall. His hips pinned me and he smashed his lips against mine in a bruising kiss. I didn't respond at first. I was too shocked. But his hands gripped my hips, fingers digging in almost painfully and I was at last finally able to feel something other than the cold.

He pulled back and we were both breathing heavily. "There's my girl," he said triumphantly like he had suddenly fixed everything. 

He lowered me back onto my feet and as soon as I touched down I shoved him back. He moved with the motion this time but instead of looking upset he was grinning at me. 

Anger twisted through my gut but it wasn't him I was mad at. I sighed. "Where is she now?" I asked in defeat. 

Negan looked all too proud of himself and it made me want to smack him. "Packing up the last of their stuff from their apartment." 

I nodded and turned for the door. I hesitated and glanced back at Negan. "I-" I started to apologize again, but stopped and kept walking. I didn't owe him an apology. 

I was halfway through the door when Negan called after me. "Hey Jo," I turned back to him. "When was the last time you brushed your teeth?" 

I scowled and he threw back his head and laughed.  

By the time I got to the apartment it was dark and empty. I called out for Kate, but when there was no answer I hurried away from the empty rooms too much of a coward to go inside. I was walking down one of the back halls towards the courtyard when I turned the corner and literally ran into Simon. 

"Whoa there," he said laughing as he caught me before I could fall. 

I stiffened and tried to take a step back, but his grip on my arms tightened. There was a tightness around his eyes that had very single warning in my head going off. 

"Where you off to?" he asked. His smile didn't reach his eyes, instead something darker lurked there.  

I swallowed as I stared up at him. He let me go then as though he had just noticed he had been holding onto my arms. I wanted to rub the spot he had touched, but it felt too much like showing weakness. And the strange gleam in Simon's eyes made me never want to let him see weakness. 

"Looking for my sister," I said crossing my arms over my chest. It was a poor attempt to puff myself up. We both knew just how vulnerable I had been this past week. Simon had been one of the people Negan left on guard duty when he had to be away. 

Simon nodded as though my words made sense. "Well, she and Tom just headed up to the courtyard. They're headed back to the satellite outpost any minute." 

I pressed my lips together. I wasn't sure what it was, or why, but there was something off about Simon and it made me wish I wasn't alone with him in a back hall. 

"Well, thanks," I said and I turned and walked away as quickly as I could manage without seeming like I was running away from him. 

"Hey Dixon," he called after me. I flinched and when I turned to face him there was a pleased glint in his eyes. Like he was happy he had gotten a reaction out of me. His eyes dipped over me and I tightened my arms around myself, wishing for maybe the first time since that night that I was armed. "It's good to see you back on your feet," there wasn't an ounce of sincerity in his words. 

"Thanks," I said quickly and I hurried away before he could stop me again. 

I was still shaken when I opened the side door out into the courtyard. I blinked away the brightness of the sun and was relieved to see Kate and Tom. The two of them were overseeing boxes being loaded into the cub truck they had brought. 

"Kate," I called to her. 

"Where have you been?" Kate snapped as I approached.  

"I-" I started to say tightening my arms around myself. 

She just shook her head in disgust. "You know, you aren't the only one this happened to Jo. You can be so selfish sometimes. I couldn't be here and you did nothing in that apartment. You just left it all for me to take care of. I can't believe you," she turned away to walk back to the truck. 

"Kate-" I called grabbing her arm. "I know you're hurting, I'm-" I started to say but Kate's eyes flashed and I bit back my words. 

"You think you're so special," Kate ground out shaking her head in disgust. "But you weren't there. Merle and I were on the road together for six months. And you weren't there. You weren't a part of that. You think because you met him first it gives you some kind of claim to his memory, but you're practically a stranger. You don't know what it's like. You're always so wrapped up in your own issues. You may be alive, but my sister never came back out of that cell in Woodbury. Merle understood that. He was all the family I had left," her voice broke. "And now he's gone. And I'm alone." 

Her words were like a slap in the face. "Kate please-" I started again but she shook her head, refusing to hear anything I had to say. 

She stood with her back to me. "I can't be here, Jo. It reminds me too much of him. I have our stuff. I'm not coming back."

And Kate walked out of The Sanctuary for the last time.

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So...I hope you guys enjoyed the update. Thank you as always for you incredible support. You guys are amazing. I love to read your comments and so appreciate your votes. Your support keeps this story going.