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I didn't think about my destination I just ran. I don't know if I passed anyone on my way, but if I had I must have looked half insane. There was no way I was going to be able to stay now. I had completely lost it on one of Negan's men. I had been just centimeters away from plunging a knife into his eye before Negan himself had to step in to stop me. He couldn't let me stay, not after what happened. I had finally proven myself to be too dangerous and he would be forced to throw me out. Cold dread swept through me as I realized he might throw Kate and Merle out as well.

I couldn't breathe. My chest felt too tight and my stomach rolled as anxiety and panic choked me. I stumbled over my feet as I shoved the heavy metal door open. It slammed shut behind me and I sagged against the railing. I gasped in fresh air and the tears that had been threatening to fall finally tore their way up my throat. I sobbed, my hands gripping the railing so hard it made my fingers hurt. The cold metal digging into my hand reminded me of the knife. I violently shoved myself away from the rail, dumping me onto my butt.

I sobbed so hard my whole body shook and I collapsed forward as tears and snot ran down my face. I tried to hold it back, tried to pull it in, but it was like now that I had let it loose I couldn't stop. My whole body shook with the force of the sobs I had been holding in for as far back as I could remember.

I didn't know what exactly it was that I was crying for. For what I had almost done? Or maybe it was for all the things I had done and been forced to do simply to survive. Maybe it was everything...everything I was afraid of inside of me and surrounding me.

I was so tired of being afraid. I thought coming here would mean I wouldn't have to be afraid anymore. But I was more afraid here than I had ever been. Now we had something to lose, and our ability to stay here was based entirely on the whims of one man. A man who had me spinning. I felt so turned around it was like I couldn't think straight when he was near me.

Stop, reset.

I squeezed my eyes shut until they burned. Pressing my fists against my closed lids. I couldn't keep doing this. What had happened in the hall with Negan...I couldn't do that, I couldn't let myself feel the things I felt in that moment.

Trust no one.

I jerked my hands away from my eyes. Even my fists couldn't stop the flood of tears. But I couldn't cry. Not like this. I couldn't.

Stop, reset.

I sniffed, angrily swiping the last of the tears from my cheeks. I couldn't do this. I couldn't let myself lose control like I had in that room, and certainly not like this. I needed to be stronger than this. In this place I couldn't afford to show any weakness. I was a fighter, sometimes it felt like that was all I had ever been, and I couldn't forget that. Not ever.

I heard the door click open and I exhaled sharply. I didn't want to see anyone right now. I turned away from the door to watch a sunset I only just now noticed.

As far as I knew only two people were aware of my hiding place. I didn't know which one I should hope for. I didn't want either Negan nor Merle to see me like this, but Merle would be the less complicated. Merle might worry, but he wouldn't try and force me to talk about it.

I didn't look up at him as he sat down next to me. He twirled my knife through his fingers and held it out. "You forgot this," Negan said casually, as though I had left it sitting on a counter someplace and he hadn't had to talk me out of killing one of his men.

His man Soderhill. He had called the man Soderhill. I needed to think of Soderhill as a man and not the threat he had felt like in my head. He was a man who could have a family here and I had nearly...

"Thanks," I said, trying to compose myself. I had no choice but to face him so I could take the knife back. As soon as it was in my hand he reached towards me. I froze, but was surprised to find I had no desire to flinch away from him. Somewhere along the way whatever instinctual piece of my brain that worked overtime to protect me had decided Negan wasn't a threat. Maybe I really had gone crazy. Negan was absolutely a threat. He was the most dangerous person behind this fence. I risked a glance at him out of the corner of my eye, certainly more dangerous than me.

Negan's fingers were feather light as they traced the shape of my cheekbone. His brows furrowed angrily as he watched me fight not to flinch when his gentle touch hit a tender spot. "Are you all right?" he asked, his voice was low and gravely and his breath fanned over my skin he was so close.

I licked my lips, unable to meet his gaze. I jerked my head up and down roughly. "It's not broken," I assured him.

He tensed and there was a flash of anger in his eyes. The fingers that had just been gently tracing my skin closed into a harsh fist and he pulled back from me. "I don't tolerate men attacking women. It's against the rules. It will never happen again."

I leaned back and cocked my head to the side. "To be fair," I allowed reasonably, "I did attack him first." And I had. There was no denying that when Negan and I came through the door one of us paused to assess the situation while the other ran head first into the fight.

Either way it was the wrong thing to say. Whatever strong protective instincts drove Negan were too close to the surface right now and his eyes flared dangerously. "You, my Hot Friend, pulled him off of someone. Protected one of our people here. It was the right thing to do. He was the one who escalated the situation and hit you across the face, like the pussy he is, when you weren't even looking."

"I shouldn't have turned my back on him," I argued, I wasn't making excuses, it was the truth. If I hadn't turned my back and given him the obvious opening to attack, I would have been able to deescalate the situation easily. Had I seen him coming, Soderhill wouldn't have touched me.

"It doesn't-" Negan began to argue.

I sucked in a breath and projected my voice, cutting him off before he got going again. "I'm not some damsel in distress," I snarled at him. "I could have killed him easily. You don't get to throw him out for backhanding me unless you're throwing me out too for pulling a knife on him."

"You were defending yourself," Negan snapped back. I could tell by the look in his eye and the rising tension in his body I was pushing things too far. Negan was an alpha male through and through and he had decided I was one of those that fell under his protection. Maybe I wasn't the only one ruled by my instincts anymore. It seemed as though this world did that to people. The ones who were willing to allow themselves to touch on their baser instincts were the ones to survive. I had seen it time and time again in the ring and even The Governor, insane though he had been, was a creature of instincts who valued those traits in another.

Just thinking about Phillip helped me wrap myself in my anger and I was glad for that. The anger helped burn away the rest of the tears and if I wrapped myself tightly enough in it I could case away the panic. I honestly didn't know what to say to Negan. Tom had never been like this, not even after all of this started. Tom and I had always been a team, equals. He valued my skills and input as much as I valued his. I didn't get the impression Negan saw anyone as his equal. I didn't know how to get him to understand. The man wouldn't give an inch. He was infuriating.

I sighed in frustration and turned away from him, purposefully lowering my eyes and dropping my shoulders. Making it clear by my body language I wasn't going to fight anymore. I wasn't going to win this one, and I didn't feel like playing the who-can-get-more-mad game. To be honest I wasn't sure which one of us would win.

I could practically feel the smirk stretching across his face and I could tell he considered my refusal to fight with him some kind of victory.

It wasn't.

He leaned back against his palms smuggly. "So," he said after a few minutes of tense silence. "Any ideas?"

I looked up at him, scowling. He just couldn't take a hint and leave. Instead he was staring at my face expectantly and I couldn't for the life of me think of what it was I was supposed to have an idea about. My mind felt like mush and my thoughts were sluggish and scattered. All of the heat from my anger was gone now and I felt hollow and strangely vulnerable. My scowl deepened.

Negan chuckled, shaking his head. "You know you are going to give yourself frown lines you keep that up," he teased.

I sniffed and looked away. I still felt raw and vulnerable after all that had happened. It was telling that he was able to lock all his emotions away so quickly. One minute I was pushing him too far and the next he was back to joking with me. Normally I didn't have a problem shutting out my own emotions, but for some reason there was something about him that made it incredibly difficult.

I ran a hand through my hair and exhaled. I leaned forward against the lower rail, pressing my chest against the bar.

Negan cleared his throat and when he spoke again his voice was back to neutral. "So Hot Friend, after our little adventure today, did you notice anything that might help us figure out what the hell is going on in my house?" 

I frowned, shaking my head. "No. In fact, I still don't understand why you even bothered bringing me with you."

He snorted. "Well, you aren't sabotaging Sanctuary," he said decisively.

I looked over at him, letting my hair fall in front of my eyes in hopes it would somehow provide some kind of barrier between us. I appreciated the vote of confidence, but as with all things with Negan, I couldn't help feeling like the other shoe still had to drop. 

"Thanks," I said quietly, looking down at the knife I hadn't realize was still in my hand.

He shook his head. "No reason to thank me, I'm just speaking the truth. You have more to lose than most when it comes to this place. There's no way you would risk your sister and uncle's safety. You're predictable, it makes you trustworthy."

Predictable? I didn't feel predictable. Most of time I felt like a lose cannon, completely out of control. How was it Negan considered me predictable?

"Plus you're good at reading people. And," he said and the teasing light fell from his voice as he glancing towards me. "When I look around there aren't many of my men I can trust who don't have their eyes on the big chair," he said honestly. He held my gaze and pressed his lips together. "Correct me if I'm wrong here Hot Friend, but I get the impression leading my merry band is the last thing you would want."

I nodded in agreement. Maybe I was predictable, Negan certainly didn't seem to have any trouble reading me. "I don't know why you think you needed me, you seem pretty good at reading people to me."

Negan chuckled. "Yeah, but a fresh set of eyes doesn't hurt. Some of these people I've known for over a year. Makes it hard to stay objective. Just because someone's an asshole at the card table doesn't mean they are shooting poor Trav and cutting holes in the fence."

I nodded thoughtfully, pressing my lips together. "So did you learn anything after I left?" I asked, trying to draw the subject away from me and focus on what was happening.

"Other than the fact that you had some of my toughest guys pissing their pants?" Negan asked arching a brow. There was something that may have been pride in his gaze. When I didn't respond his face fell and he scrubbed at his eyes with the heels of his hands. "Not really no, and Simon and Merle struck out as well." He scrubbed his hands through his hair making it stick up like mine sometimes did. "I thought after will killed that asshole in the market we were done, finished with this shit. But then today happened," he exhaled. 

"Doesn't that seem off?" I asked, chewing on my lower lip as my thoughts began to shuffle themselves past all of my issues and focus on the real problem at hand. 

"What?" 

"That they...I don't know, showed their hand," I said. "I mean, we killed the man in the market and would have assumed that was the last of it. Why not try to be a little more...sneaky. Now we're looking for them." 

Negan stretched his arms over his head. "Maybe that is what they after Hot Friend. Maybe they want us to know they are here, they're pissed, and now they're armed," he sighed "Shit," he muttered half under his breath. "There's gotta be a better way to do this," he said and I could tell he was upset by more than just us not finding out more information.

"What do you mean?" I asked, because truthfully I wanted to help. I just didn't know how. I was out of my depth on this one. He wasn't wrong, I had no desire to be a leader. I lacked pretty much all necessary skills. The first of which was being able to trust myself not to attack the other people here. But along with that one came the fact that I had no clue how to go about finding the missing guns and the person responsible for the attacks. 

"Only option is to search the barracks in the morning, shut the gates." He shrugged regretfully.

My eyebrows lifted in surprise, searching every room in this place was going to take time and resources. Not to mention Negan was going to have to be sure the men assigned to the search party were ones he could trust. 

Negan made a noise low in his throat and shook his head. "The workers are already...they aren't our prisoners, they are here under our protection. They help keep this place running with the understanding that they will never have to fight and I will take care of them. I don't want them to feel like..."

"Like you're some kind of evil fascist dictator?" I supplied helpfully. I nearly bit my tongue when I realized I was the one teasing him this time.

Negan made a noise of frustration in his throat and I couldn't help the smile that stretched across my face when he shot me a teasing scowl. There was something humanizing about it. It transformed his face in a way that I liked. 

I tighten my jaw and forced myself to look away.

"Exactly," he said after a beat. "But I also can't allow whoever took those guns to figure out a way to hide them. We have to keep taking a run at them while we still have a shot. I already gave the order to lock the gates. No one goes in or out without my say so until they are found."

His casual words made it feel like a hand closed around my throat. We were locked in. I looked down to the gates below us and there were armed guards stationed every thirty feet along the fence line. I rolled my shoulders and tried to shake off the feeling of being a prisoner.

"Hey," Negan said after a moment and I had the feeling he had been trying to get my attention while the storm of panic surged through me.

I snapped my head to look at him, my movements rough and jerky. I tightened my hand into a fist and looked down in surprise to realize I still held the knife. I very deliberately slid the blade away and rested both hands flat on the tops of my knees. My breathing had kicked up a notch and I fought to regulate it. 

Negan frowned as he studied my face and then he followed my line of sight down to the gates.

"If it makes it any better, just remember you aren't the only one locked in here with us my Hot and Deadly Friend," he said with a teasing wink. "We're locked in here with you too."

I know he was trying to make me feel better, but his light words just made the feeling in my chest tighten one more notch. It was stupid to feel this way. I hadn't actually left The Sanctuary since arriving and other than the run today I hadn't had any intention of leaving. I pulled at the collar of my jacket. Suddenly everything felt a little too tight. I tried to roll my shoulders but the shoulder holster felt like it was restraining me. 

Negan was watching me closely, his eyes serious. "Was that why you were going on the run?" he asked his voice uncharacteristically gentle. "To get outside the gates? I told you, you aren't a prisoner here."

I shook my head and it was jerky and too many times. "No, I wanted to start earning points. I didn't understand how they worked before and I clearly owe you a lot for all of your generosity." I looked away embarrassed to owe anyone anything. "I'm not here looking for handouts, and I don't want anyone to think I'm taking them," I said resolutely thinking back to the way Regina had treated me when we first met. When she thought I was one of his. 

"You know," he said after a moment. "You said you were interested in earning points right?" he asked as though I hadn't just said that. Somehow the irritation seemed to help and I could breathe again. I felt like this was going to go somewhere I didn't want it to. I narrowed my eyes suspiciously and waited for him to continue.

"Well, you said you were willing to go outside the wall before and well, we will need to check the crossroads tomorrow, and if I'm not letting anyone out the gate I'll have to go do it myself. You could come with, watch my back?"

My scowl deepened as I tried to figure out what angle he was playing here, how he could possibly be using this to his advantage. It did no good, Negan was steps ahead of me in everything and I was just running to catch up. I had hope it wouldn't always feel like this, but staring at his dark eyes, lit by amusement and something else, I had a feeling it would. 

He held up his hands. "Honest, just a quick run to the crossroads and back. Shouldn't be too dangerous. You will be awarded full points for it. Scouts honor," he said holding up his fingers. 

I nodded slowed. "Alright," I finally agreed, wishing not for the first time today that I knew more about the goings on here so I could ask the right questions.

"Well alright then," he said and when he flashed me his smile that reminded me of a shark. I felt like I had stepped right into whatever trap he had set for me. "We'll leave tomorrow at 0800," he said.

I nodded and pressed my lips tightly together as the last of the daylight fled. Somehow it made me feel even better, freer, sitting up here in the darkness. My breathing evened out and the last of the tension drained away. 

"If you're so worried about earning, why don't you move into your families dorm?"

I froze at his words, uncertain if I could tell him the truth. If I could tell him I hadn't even seen it. "I ah...I don't know if it's such a good idea for me to be around so many civilians. I mean we already tried once and-"

"And your uncle had to knock you out so you wouldn't lose control?" Negan filled in, much in the same way I had called him out on being a dictator.

I snorted and nodded. "Yeah," I agreed and it felt odd to be joking about something so serious. 

"There are more windows on the civilian side," Negan said carefully. "Maybe that would help?"

I frowned as I thought about it. "I didn't know," I told him honestly. "I've never even seen their apartment."

Negan looked at me with something like pity and I leaned forward and closed my eyes so I wouldn't have to see it. I didn't want anyone to pity me. Not ever. He shifted and his leg brushed against mine. The warmth combined with all that had happened today had my eyes burning behind my closed lids. I was exhausted.

"Why don't you get some rest Hot Friend," Negan advised.

"I don't know how," I mumbled, I was too tired to care that I was admitting such a huge weakness to him.

He snorted and gentle fingers touched the side of my head, guiding it down to rest against his shoulder.

"Yes you do," his voice rumbled in his chest and it sounded lower with my ear pressed against him.

I sighed and even though I wanted to argue and fight him on it, he wasn't wrong. It seemed as though the only times I could sleep was when he was here. And with how tired I was I didn't feel up to being introspective just then. I let myself let go and drifted off to sleep.

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I jerked awake and then threw my hands out prepared to catch myself before I fell. I had fallen asleep on the catwalk, sitting up, but now I was laying down. I frowned as I rolled over and realized I was in my bed. I scowled. I didn't remember walking here. The last memory I had was of falling asleep leaning against Negan.

I bolted up right and looked around wildly, but I was alone. I blinked at the clock. It read 5:00. I was surprised Merle hadn't come after his shift like he normally did. I threw my legs over the side of the bed and groaned as my muscles protested sleeping so long. I wasn't used to getting a full night of sleep. The first thing I found was a note on my nightstand.

0800 - don't be late

Was scribbled across it. So Negan had been the one to carry my here. I didn't know how I felt about that. I obviously trusted him enough to fall asleep leaning against him up on the catwalk. But him carrying me through the compound and tucking me into my bed was something entirely different. It worried my that I hadn't woken when he moved me. It was sweet of him to do that, he hadn't needed to. I could have just as easily slept on the walkway.  But the fact that he had felt incredibly intimate. 

I splashed cold water on my face. I couldn't think of him like that. I wouldn't. I stumbled into the shower and got ready for the day. I shimmied back into the leather pants I had been wearing the day before and pulled on a long sleeve black Henley, which seemed to be my new uniform. 

I was just strapping on my knives when I pulled open the fridge. There was a container of food sitting on the top shelf that hadn't been there the day before. A note was stuck to the top of it. 

You're too skinny. Eat something ~Uncle Merle

I snorted and shook my head, wondering how I was going to survive the two alpha males who seemed hellbent on making sure I was properly taken care of. It bothered me that Merle had managed to come in without me hearing him. I wondered if he had a key or if Negan had left my door unlocked. The former seemed more likely with how protective Negan could be.

I had some time before meeting Negan but I didn't feel like going all the way to the gym. I shoved my furniture out of the way and started training.

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Hey guys...so what did you think?