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I started shaking as soon as I was out of the door. I shouldn't have done that. As mad as I was I shouldn't have pushed Negan. He wasn't the type to take that well, and it wasn't just me my actions could hurt here. Both Merle and Kate were at the mercy of Negan's good graces, and those wouldn't last long if I pissed him off.

I don't know what had come over me, I had just been so mad. I exhaled and stalked through the maze of halls back towards my room. I didn't know why I was so upset. The kiss had been nice, and it probably hadn't undermined me as much as I told him. And frankly anything beyond that wasn't my business. It was my problem I had begun to develop feelings for him and not even feelings in the traditional sense. I felt safe around him, I had allowed myself to begin to trust him. I should have known better.

Trust no one.

Negan was the leader of an incredibly powerful group, had I really thought he wouldn't have some sort of relationship? Albeit having several relationships at once had come as a surprise, but again, it wasn't my business.

I showered quickly and after I dug through the medicine cabinet. I found deodorant and make up and hair product. I wondered if it had all been there the first night or if someone had come in and added them. Turning over the small jar of hair product that was especially used on short hair I was betting the latter.

I sighed.

I took about ten seconds to consider who my fairy godmother was, but I think the answer was fairly obvious. I gritted my teeth, unwilling to allow myself to be moved by this. It didn't mean anything. He made it perfectly clear he had a use for me.

I pulled out the first shirt and pants I found in the backpack which happened to be leather pants and a low cut charcoal grey Henley. I strapped all my knives to me and stepped in front of the mirror. I sucked in a breath. I looked better than I had that first day. No longer gaunt, I looked slim and powerful. But I didn't look like me. I looked badass and confident and like I belonged here. I looked exactly like the woman who had just stood up to Negan and who was going to train some of the most hardened men I had met since this whole thing started. I looked like I belonged here.

I might not feel it, but 'fake it til you make it' was going to have to be my new motto. I didn't look like a woman who had been on her way to being a professor in Biology, or had a family. Staring at the woman in the mirror I realized Tommy wouldn't recognize her at all. But she also didn't look like someone suffering from PTSD either. This woman wasn't anyone's victim. And I never would be again.

Fake it 'til you make it.

I shrugged on the leather jacket as I walked out of the door. I crammed Merle's note in my pocket to make sure I could find their apartment. I had just crossed through the factory floor when I head the slap of feet behind me.

"Jo!"

I glanced over my shoulder to see Dwight running after me. I stopped and waited for him to catch up. He hesitated when he got close and I realized I was still scowling and had my hands crossed over my chest aggressively. It surprised me to realize he was intimidated.

I had been able to intimidate people when I was in the ring, but there had always been a feral element to that, an excuse because it had never really felt like it was me. This was controlled, deliberate, purposeful...useful.

"What can I do for you Dwight?" I asked tightly. I really just wanted to go see Kate and Merle. If I didn't show up soon Kate would start raising hell again and I didn't want to deal with that, not today. I was too tired.

"Negan wanted me to tell you the men are ready for their first lesson."

I frowned at that. I didn't know what time it was but I had to be running out of time before Merle and Kate would have to go. It had to be nearing dinner time. Didn't it?

I blinked as my brain fought to reorganize all that had happened today. It was a struggle because I wasn't sleeping at normal times and I still lost time. I had lost a lot of time in the gym.

I set my jaw however and refused to let my confusion show. "Well I would hate to keep Negan waiting," I responded tightly.

Dwight's eyes widened at my tone but he nodded quickly, dropping his eyes. "He ah, won't be there, but the men are all waiting."

He led the way through the hallways towards what I thought was an external door. It confused me. I had expected to be training in the gym. Dwight opened the door and led the way out into the court yard. It had stopped raining and looking up at the sky, despite the low hanging clouds, it had to be nearing sunset.

There was a handful of men waiting in a corner of the courtyard. I was surprised to see several targets had been set up. It made me wonder if this had always been used as an outside training area or if Negan had set it up for this purpose. I tried to remember back to when I had first arrived but everything was so foggy. I pushed away from the memories and focused on my task.

The five men turned to face Dwight and I. Most seemed young, or perhaps it was inexperience that made them look young. Something in the way they held their bodies told me they weren't experienced fighters. Even Dwight looked more imposing than them.

Simon was standing in front of them. He turned to look at me and he hesitated for a second. His eyes ran up and down my body and he swallowed.

"These are some of the newest recruits," Simon told me. "Most of them are pretty green, but do what you can," He said with a shrug.

I nodded imperceptibly to him and he swallowed again, than he traced his mustache with the tips of his fingers. I turned my eyes to the group of men, but out of the corner of my eye Simon was squirming. Good.

"Everyone!" Simon called. "This is Miss Dixon, she will be handling your hand to hand training," he said and he turned to leave.

"It's Jo," I called after him.

Simon turned to look at me and lifted his eyebrows. It occurred to me then that Kate must have taken Merle's last name to cement their story of being related. The sound of it didn't sit well with me though.

"Jo-?" He dragged off, searching for a last name.

I shook my head, keeping my eyes hard. I couldn't say it, not if I wanted to maintain control over my emotions. I had to push the memories of Tommy back where they couldn't touch me.

Stop, reset.

"Just Jo."

Simon flashed me a smile as though I had finally done something to entertain him.

"Well, Jo, they are all yours," he said and he swept out his arm to present the men.

It felt like the first day I had taught a Bio 110 lab as a grad student. Standing in front of these men I felt like every one of them was judging me, searching for any weakness.

I could hear the others. Dwight and Simon we still close, but so were other people who wanted to catch the show. They were all wondering if whatever they had heard about me was true, if there was any weakness that could be exploited. I couldn't give them one.

So even though my hands were trembling, I stiffened my spine. This first day was going to have to be a show. Proof I was worthy of their time. Proof I was as scary as they had heard.

The men were in front of me and the targets were behind me. I dropped my hand to my thigh and drew the knives as I turned. I snapped off the light weight throwing knives in quick succession, alternating which target I aimed at. I continued to turn so I was facing them once more, a simple pivot on my heel. One turn and five knives were buried in the targets. The sixth was still in my hand. 

There was a murmur behind me, but it hadn't come from my students so I didn't worry about them. It hadn't been that impressive or even as showy as I could be, but I had their attention. I had everyone's attention.

"Negan asked me to teach you to fight like me. But...the methods that were used to make me what I am aren't allowed here," I said and I looked over their faces. Most of their eyes widened to some degree in surprise.

"Be glad," I told them. "So, instead I will show you some of the training sequences and drills I use to stay sharp. Do any of you have any experience with knives?"

Looking over them, not a single one spoke up. I wondered what made Negan choose these five for my first victims. There was a sameness to them that I couldn't quite peg. I tapped the sixth knife against my thigh thoughtfully as I studied them. 

I realized then what it was that made them look so young. They weren't necessarily young, but slight. My subconscious naturally cataloged potential threats and all I was getting off of this group, other than the fact that they out numbered me, was the fact that they had the potential to be quick. Negan had chosen men who would be more inclined to fight like me.

I drew in a breath in appreciation. He couldn't have had this plan very long. I had only been here a few days, but he had rounded up exactly the type of person who would benefit the most from my training. And it wasn't the typical soldier. 'Turning weaknesses into strengths.' I remember his words out in the catwalk earlier today. That was exactly what he was doing with these men. Men who normally would be all but useless in hand to hand, given my training would make them better than the average soldier. Weakness into strengths. 

I felt a grudging sense of respect for Negan, but I gritted my teeth against it. He was a good leader and strategist, that much was obvious and I would give credit where it was due. But that was all.

I showed the men a few of my favored drills and told them a workout regiment that was maybe a quarter of what I did per day. By then it was getting dark.

"All right," I said, strangely comfortable with feeling like I was assigning homework. "Run through the drills and get working out and don't forget stretching. All the strength in the world is useless to me if you aren't flexible and quick. Dismissed." I told them and they filed out if the courtyard like good little soldiers. I watched them go without hesitation, simply because I said so. Negan ran a tight ship.

I walked back towards the targets and pulled my knives out. I was walking towards the door when I stopped and turned back. I threw my new knives again. I liked the way the throwing knives felt. Even being unfamiliar with them, they were better than the steak knives had ever been. I retrieved them and went again, and again and again. They were an incredible weapon, and made me even more formidable than before. I threw them until I was faster, stronger, better.

I don't know which set I was on when someone called my name.

I turned, completing the throw without looking at the target. It was full dark now, but I had been throwing in the dim light of the flood light over the door.

I was surprised to see Merle and Kate standing a short distance from me, just at the edge of the light. I scowled at them. I hadn't heard their approach which meant I had lost awareness of my surroundings again. That wasn't safe.

I took a step towards them and Kate tensed. She was frowning back at me but looked like she didn't recognize me. "Jimmy said you were training him, but I didn't believe it." She said by way of explanation. "I couldn't think of what you would have to train someone."

It was like her words didn't make sense. I stared at her as they ran around my brain until the neurons fired in the right way to understand speech again. Then I frowned not understanding how my own sister could be so dense, so naive...and just how dangerous that was in this world.

I remembered vaguely that she had only seen me in the that ring one time. I had lost that night, badly. Kate had never seen me fight, not really. She had never seen what I had made myself into. No wonder she didn't understand.

"Who is Jimmy?" I asked, deflecting away from her words.

"My boyfriend," Kate snapped angrily as though I should have somehow known that. She raked her eyes over me. "What happened to you?" she snarled her eyes hardening with disgust.

I opened my mouth to respond, but I didn't have the words. It felt like she had slapped me. After everything I...

I close my mouth. I literally felt sick to my stomach. I had nothing to say to her. I looked down at the remaining knife in my hand. I tightened my hand around it. I could feel exactly where the target was behind me. I knew exactly what I had to do to turn and land it in the center of the target in the quickest, more efficient way possible. I didn't even have to think about it, my body just did it.

I opened my mouth again but Kate crossed her arms over her chest defiantly and jutted her chin out. "Tom would-" she started to say and I felt the blood drain from my face. I don't know if she said anything after his name. I couldn't think about it. My pulse started pounding in my ears and I felt light headed.

Merle saw it too because he rounded on her a dangerous look glinting in his eyes. He was speaking to her in a low, harsh voice, but I turned away. I nearly staggered over my feet as I returned to the target. I jerked the knives out of it, sliding them away along the side of my thigh. 

I turned to go.

"Jo!" Merle's voice rang out in the courtyard, using my name, but I ignored it. I jerked open the door and walked into the hallway. I couldn't do it, I couldn't deal with her right now. I felt like a coward for leaving Merle with her but I just couldn't handle it. My emotions were all over the place. I didn't know if I was going to scream in her face, or break down crying. I had felt good, comfortable, confident, if only for a minute, and just like that I was slapped down. Funny how sometimes it's the people we love that could hurt us the worst.

I wandered aimlessly through the halls for a long time. I had no sense of time and whenever I passed someone I strode ahead purposefully as though I had somewhere to be. No one stopped me. It was difficult, being in this building with no windows, no sense of time. No sense of self. I scrubbed a hand over my face. I needed to rest.

When I finally found the right door I nearly whimpered in relief. I shuffled over to my spot on the catwalk and dropped down. I leaned my chest forward against the lower railing, letting the cold, hard metal support me.

I had no idea what time it was, but I was exhausted and needed sleep. Despite having the dorm room all to myself this place felt safer to me. Being outside helped. When the nightmares came inside it took too long for me to figure out I wasn't still in that cell. When they came out here and I woke in a cold sweat, the feel of the breeze on my skin let me know instantly where I was.

I drifted in and out and when the metal door clicked open I felt more well rested than I had in a long time. I expected Negan. I didn't know what exactly I was going to say to him so when Merle came swaggering out with a bag tucked under one arm I was relieved. I glanced at him and looked back up at the sky. Merle came over groaned as he bent over to set the bag on the grating beside me. He straightened and leaned against the top of the railing. His good hand resting over the top of his metal casing.

"You've been spending a lot of time up this way," he said conversationally.

"Negan told you," I said decidedly. Whatever was in the bag smelt amazing and my stomach cramped with hunger. I tried to remember back, but I didn't think I had eaten anything since Merle last brought me food. The irony of that was not lost on me. I was still stuck in that same old life no matter how badly I told myself I wanted to escape. 

"Didn't have to," Merle said.

I turned to arch a brow up at him, but he wasn't looking at me, he was staring up at the stars. I realized then that it wasn't just Kate Merle had been keeping an eye on. I owed Merle, for more than I would ever know. 

I looked down at my hands where they rested on my legs. Sometimes I didn't recognize them, didn't recognize the things they could do. 

"She didn't mean it," Merle said after a few long minutes of silence.

I snorted because both of us knew that wasn't true. "Yes, she did. Kate always says exactly what she means."

Merle chuckled once with me. "Well maybe she did, but if she understood she wouldn't be saying those things to ya."

"Yeah..." I said but the word sounded hollow even to me. Kate was Kate and she had always been this way and it didn't appear as though she were going to let the apocalypse change her. 

"There ain't nothing wrong with ya Barbie."

I shook my head, I couldn't even pretend to agree with his words.

"Hey," He snapped and his voice was rough. "There ain't. What you can do...it saved your life."

"Okay, Merle," I said soothingly because I didn't want to argue over this with him. "So...do you wanna tell me exactly how you managed to get Kate all the way here in one piece?" I asked conversationally. I had kept my voice casual but I was genuinely curious about their story. It couldn't have been easy for Merle to earn Kate's trust and somehow they had traveled hundreds of miles safely. 

Merle pulled out a cigarette and lit it. He exhaled the smoke through his nose and looked down at me with a twinkle in his eye. "Carefully Barbie, very carefully."

I snorted. "I'll bet."

He took another drag and held it out to me. I waved him off. He shrugged as though to say suit yourself and pinched it back between his lips.

"Ya coming home tonight?" He asked after a little while.

I frowned  in confusion and then I realized he meant their apartment. "I don't think that would be a good idea," I replied after a minute. The way things had gone between Kate and I today I didn't think she would be ready to share such a small space with me. 

"Keeping that dorm room all to yourself is going to get real expensive real quick Barbie. And with the med points on top of that, plus your new gear...Unless you and the king shit have got some kind of alternative arrangement?" He asked his voice rose slightly at the end. 

I shook my head. "No, I'm not really interested in being one of the many," I said tightly, but my mind was already whirling with thoughts of how I was going to pay back all the points I had inadvertently run up.  

Merle nodded and I could practically hear the smirk of admiration in his voice for Negan. "Yeah, the boss has got himself a pretty sweet deal worked out." 

"He's no better than The Governor," I growled through gritted teeth. All it took was one mention of Negan and I was riled right back up again. 

Merle took a long drag. "Well now, that ain't true Barbie. The Governor was a sick bastard who was in it for himself. Negan may be a bastard but he protects what's his. And trust me Barbie all those women are with him because they want to be. Must be his roguish charm."

I shook my head, but couldn't help the chuckle. "Yeah, that must be it. I'll earn by teaching," I told him. "I can teach the new recruits how to fight." 

"Right, you've turned yourself into the real Apocalypse Barbie now ain't ya?" Merle asked in a teasing voice.

I looked down at the knives strapped to my thighs and when I shifted my weight the leather of my shoulder rig sighed. "I did what I had to." 

"That's all any of us do Barbie," Merle said throwing the cigarette away. 

I nodded in agreement but I didn't look up at him. "I'll come up with something else if I need to. Whatever it takes to repay our debt."

"Our debt?" He asked.

"Yeah, Uncle Merle. Family sticks together."  

He chortled. "That they do Barbie," and he turned to go. "Try and get some sleep," he called over his shoulder. "And eat something." he called pointing to the bag resting beside me. The door clicked shut behind him. 

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I didn't sleep any more that night but I forced myself to wait until dawn before I went searching for Dwight. I found him in the market. He stiffened when I appeared at his side, jumping slightly. "Jo," he greeted shifting his weight. 

"Negan said I needed to start earning points," I said confidently. 

Dwight frowned. He looked confused over my words, but he wasn't about to argue with something that might have been an order from the boss.

"I have medical bills and my room..." I dragged off. 

Understanding dawned on Dwight's face and I was glad I had gone to him instead of Simon. Simon was more likely to question my motives. Dwight had a wife and they both worked for points. He would understand before anyone else. 

"There's plenty you can do-" he started to say. 

"What earns the most points?" I interrupted. I wasn't interested in messing around. I had my points plus anything Merle and Kate had outstanding. 

"Runs," Dwight replied after a moment of thinking. 

I nodded. "Than that's what I want," I said confidently. Runs were something I could do. Turning my weakness into a strength meant I would be more useful outside the fence then inside of it. It was an uncomfortable realization, but it was the truth. 

Dwight seemed to accept the idea without hesitation. "Okay, there's a run planned for later this morning. We're short on people. It's just a quickie, should be back before this evening."

I nodded, pressing my lips together. "Good, I'll be there." 

"Meet at the front gate in half an hour." 

I nodded curtly and turned to go when someone slammed into me. I sucked in a breath as cold liquid sloshed down the front of my shirt. I coughed as the overwhelming scent of vinegar hit my nose and pickles spilled across my boots.

"I'm so sorry!" the woman exclaimed and when I faced her I recognized her. I opened my mouth to say something but Dwight stepped between us looking like he thought I was going to do something to the woman. I took another step towards her but my brain wasn't quite up to placing where I had seen her. I met her gaze once more and her eyes were hard. Then she was gone. 

"Why don't you go change before the run?" Dwight suggested. His voice sounded distantly as I tried scanning the crowds of people to catch sight of the woman again.

"Yeah, that's probably a good idea." 

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I walked into my empty room and exhaled. This whole place was constantly swarming with people it felt weird to suddenly be alone. Part of me wanted Kate here with me, but I understood. I probably understood better than she even realized. I wasn't the same, I knew that and I didn't begrudge her for not wanting to be around me. I only wished it wasn't because she was afraid of me. And no matter what Merle said, I had seen that look in her eyes. She was afraid of what I had become.

I only had a few minutes before we were leaving. I kicked the door closed behind me, it rebounded off the door frame and swung open again but it didn't matter. I was only going to be a few seconds and no one ever came down my dead end hallway. I shrugged my shoulder rig off so it hung against the backs of my knees. I pulled my wet shirt over my head and tossed it onto the floor. It was soaked, and I didn't think I was ever going to get the smell of vinegar out.

I went into the bathroom. I wet a washcloth and wiped off my skin, pants and boots. The liquid easily wiped off the leather, I just hoped it hadn't seeped in too much, or the smell of pickles would never go away. I paced over to my dresser and pulled open the top drawer.

"What do you think you're doing?" a voice drawled casually from behind me.

I didn't bother to turn to face him as I searched through the stack of shirts Regina had picked out. There were too many clothes in here, I needed to return some to the inventory, other people could use them. I wrinkled my nose as I realized almost all of them were low cut. I didn't mind wearing form fitting, it made the most sense for fighting, but I didn't need to be showing off quite so much cleavage all the time. 

"Changing," I told him unnecessarily. It wasn't what he meant and we both knew it. I pulled out a dark green tank top and turned to face him. "Don't you knock?" I growled at him.

He chuckled and it was a dangerous growl but he kept his eyes locked on my face. Which surprised me considering I was standing in front of him in nothing but my leather pants and my bra. 

"My place, my rules," he reminded me playfully and then he winked. He didn't look, but the suggestive glint in his eyes let me know he had definitely noticed. 

I pulled the tank top over my head. I snagged a black t-shirt to put on over the top of the tank top. The tank by itself would be too thin and my shoulder holster would rub. 

When I didn't respond he took a deliberate step towards me. He wasn't moving fast, so despite his attempt to intimidate me into answering his question, he was still being careful not to scare me.

I took a step towards him as I shrugged my shoulder holster on, it's comforting weight grounded me and helped me focus.

"Jo," he said my name and my eyes snapped up to his face. He used my name so rarely, it usually meant something was happening. "What are you doing?" he asked, his dark eyes were incredibly serious as he spoke.

I frowned at him, not quite understanding what he meant. When I finally caught up I snapped back into motion, my fingers dropping back to the buckles. "Going out on a run," I told him.

"What?" he asked, his eyes flashing dangerously. "Who the hell approved that?"

I looked up at him in surprise, though I didn't let it show on my face. "Dwight said they were short," I told him. "Seems I owe quite a lot for your generosity. I didn't understand the rules before, now I do. I would also like to take over any debt that Kate has incurred since her arrival. Dwight says the fastest way to earn points is by going on a run. Well," I said holding my hands out at my sides. "I was made for that." I told him with a wry smirk I didn't feel.

He didn't smile back however, not like he normally would have. I wasn't sure what to do with that. He had something on his mind and he was standing too close. Things had changed between us and now, that level of comfort we had always had with one another was gone and we didn't exactly know how to relate to one another. 

"You don't owe anything," Negan finally said after a few moments frowning at me. 

I arched a brow. "Clothes, food, weapons, my own room... I must owe more than most people you have here."

"You don't have to earn points," he growled, his temper rising now and I didn't exactly know why. There was a part of me that wanted to step back from him. My instincts were screaming at me that the large predator in the room was angry and I needed to defend myself. 

I set my jaw. Turning weakness into strength. I wouldn't let him see how unsettled I was. There was a slight tremble in my fingers as I stood up straight and lifted my chin defiantly. "Well I'm not going to kneel, I made that perfectly clear."

He let out an angry sigh and ran a hand through his hair. "You don't have to do that either, I don't want you to. You don't owe anything."

"Why?" I ground out the word, trying to wrap myself in righteous indignation. I couldn't allow myself to react to this man. I wouldn't. 

He pressed his lips together in an angry line and his eyes clouded. I suddenly wasn't so sure he was seeing me standing in front of him. "Because that never should have happened to you," he said honesty. "Because that shouldn't happen to anyone." He was thinking of someone else, some memory that haunted him and as badly as I wanted to ask him about it, I knew it wasn't my business. A man like Negan didn't open up, they didn't talk about their feelings. 

I swallowed, not really knowing what to say to him now. I wanted to still be mad at him, to yell at him that he was no different than The Governor, but he was different. I wasn't okay with his decision to have more than one woman in his life, I never would be, but it wasn't my business. At his core Negan was a protector and that I did respect. 

I let out a slow breath and looked up at him, cocking my head to the side in surprise to see he was staring down at me with an intensity I didn't understand. "I-I have to go," I told him, glancing towards the door behind him. I looked at the clock on the microwave. "I'll be late."

"Jo-" he started to say. His voice was gentle as he used my name again. 

I tried to slip past him, to get out the door but he caught my arm in a gentle hand. He was making sure I knew I could pull away if I wanted. He wasn't holding me, just stopping me. He was so close I could feel the heat coming of of him, I could smell the leather of his jacket. This close it was difficult to think. This close it was hard to remember why I needed to keep space between us. 

I pushed myself up on my toes and kissed his cheek. "You aren't the boss of me," I whispered in his ear and I slid out of his grasp and out the door.

I hurried down the hall, and didn't allow myself to look back. 

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