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Jo

I stood under the warm spray  and closed my eyes, letting the steam and hot water roll over me. I normally would have considered two showers in two days an unimaginable luxury, but the circumstances were less than ideal. I pressed my forehead against the shower wall and kept my eyes pinched shut so I wouldn't have to watch the blood swirling around the drain.

The clothes had been ruined, again. They were sitting in a pile in the corner of the bathroom, but nothing except my boots were salvageable. I had no idea what I was going to put on once I got out of the shower. I had no possessions, nothing of my own except those ruined clothes and my boots. So rather than face the incredibly embarrassing possibility of being naked, I stayed put, wondering how big of a hot water heater the factory had.

I didn't know what to think about all that had happened. I was still shaky and didn't think that would go away until I slept and ate again. I could think back and remember bits and pieces of what happened, but it was like I was separate from it. Like it had happened to someone else. Certainly not me. Or, not this version of me. Not the me I wanted to be.

I scrubbed my eyes with the heels of my hands. I needed to get myself together. I felt
like I was out of control. My body, my emotions, my reactions. None of it felt like mine anymore. It was like all those months in Woodbury I had been in a haze that I was just starting to wake up from. But I didn't feel like myself anymore, it was like someone else had taken over, and she was a stranger.

Negan confused me too. We had only just met but he had fought beside me, tooth and nail to keep me and his people safe. He had risked his life for me several times in the last few days, but he hardly knew me.

I was embarrassed he had been there when I had fallen apart and even more so that he had been forced to carry me back to my room. I didn't want anyone to see that. I had been through hell, we all knew it. But I didn't want to be broken by it. I didn't want to go around here like I was damaged goods. I wanted more than that. I was more than that.

And yet when I had lost control it had been Negan who had somehow been able to bring me back. Negan who had carried me back to my dorm and had seemed to go out of his way to shield me from the prying eyes of the others. And then he had practically yelled at me for the risks I had taken.

I wasn't sure why I bothered trying to understand him. It just gave me a migraine.

"Jo!" Kate's voice called loudly. There was a pounding akin to thunder as she slammed her fist against the bathroom door.

I pinched my eyes shut, summoning all the control and patience I could. The pounding set my teeth on edge and had my brain starting to spin again.

"Jo?" She called again, louder this time.

I heard the rumble of a male voice and guessed Merle was with her.

She snapped something back at him and then knocked again, louder this time. I pinched the bridge of my nose with my fingers. I was positive Merle had told her to wait and now she was being deliberately defiant.

"Yeah!" I finally hollered back at her just to get her to stop. My voice came out sharper than I intended, but I was not in the mood to deal with this. My nerves were raw and I was exhausted.

When the adrenaline had hit, fighting had been the most natural thing in the world. But now I was running on fumes. I was going to pay for pushing myself the way I had when I was already hurt and near exhaustion. What I really needed was sleep. I just didn't know how.

I turned off the water, wrapped myself in a towel and opened the door. Kate stood on the other side, her eyes widened when she saw me. I knew I was covered in scrapes and bruises all in various states of healing. I looked rough, no doubt about it, but I didn't think it was so bad it warranted quite so much staring. I tightened the towel self-consciously.

"Are those for me?" I asked, my voice coming out a little sharper than I had intended.

Kate looked down at the pile of clothes in her hand as though surprised to find them there. She nodded and held them out to me. "Yes," She squeaked.

I nodded a thanks and took them from her. Her hand brushed mine and I practically ripped my hand away as my pulse started to pound in my ears.

She stared at me with wide, uncertain eyes. "Merle and I brought breakfast." She said after a moment, her eyes flickered away for a moment and I knew she was confirming that Merle was close. I had scared her.

"Okay, I'll be out in a minute." And I closed the door in her frightened face.

I dropped the clothes and whirled back towards the mirror, resting my hands on either side of the sink. I didn't know what to think. Or what do say or what to do. I just felt so lost all of a sudden. I had wanted to see my sister more than anything, but now it was like I didn't know how to deal with her or even be around her. Everything was so loud and overwhelming I couldn't think.

I stared into the eyes of the woman in the mirror and I didn't recognize her. She was a complete stranger.

Knowing Kate would be back if I took too long I turned towards the pile of clothes. She had chosen dark wash skinny jeans and a low cut black thermal Henley. They were a little more fitted than I would have liked but that's what I was going to get with Kate dressing me.

When I stepped out of the bathroom Merle was in the process of setting out food for breakfast. It was weird watching him being so domestic again. I couldn't help feeling like there was something more going on with him. I just wasn't up to figuring it out yet. Maybe tomorrow would be better.

"Shouldn't you be sleeping?" I asked glancing at the clock on the microwave.

Merle shrugged but Kate spoke up her voice a little higher than normal. "I caught a few hours and then I normally take a few hour nap later in the day," she explained. "Third shift is the worst for trying to get on a regular sleep schedule, but that's why they only have the rotation on for a month." She took a bite of the bread in front of her, but continued to chat nervously. "I like second shift the best, but some people volunteer for the third shift, you get points and a half."

I nodded and chewed the bread. It was good. Whoever their Baker was they were very good. Better than they had had in Woodbury. I wondered where they continued to find yeast and flour but supposed with a community this big they probably had people on constant supply runs.

After that we ate in silence. It didn't bother me and Merle seemed perfectly at ease but after only a few minutes Kate started squirming in her chair.

"Are you okay?" She asked bluntly. I looked at her for a moment trying to decide which answer would make her feel better.

I slowly nodded.

She flashed me a blinding smile and reached for my hand, the motion had been too quick, too sudden and too unexpected. I flinched, jerking back away from her.

Kate's eyes widened and first fear and then hurt chased themselves through her gaze.

Merle noticed immediately and stood. "Well we should be off," he said stretching. "Let your sister get some shut eye. She barely slept last night," he said and he gave me a severe look. It seemed Uncle Merle was taking his job of looking after the two of us seriously.

Kate was still watching me warily, but she nodded, willing to follow Merle's lead. She didn't know exactly how to respond to me now. Kate had always been so self possessed, she always knew what to do in any social situation. It was difficult for her and confusion had always made her uncomfortable and irritable. I wished there was something I could do to help her.

I held perfectly still in my place as the two do them cleared their plates and headed towards the door.

"You get some sleep Barbie." Merle called, ushering Kate out of the door ahead of him.

I nodded. "Thank you," I called after them, but I was too late and the door had already slammed shut.

I washed the dishes from last night and this morning and I straightened up the dorm room and then I didn't know exactly what to do with myself. I needed to sleep, but it wasn't going to happen. I wasn't comfortable enough here, not yet. I wasn't sure if I ever would be.

I was just wiping down the table when there was a soft knock at the door. For sure not Kate. I wished, not for the first time, my door had a peephole. I opened the door and was surprised to see Dwight standing on the other side shifting his weight uncomfortably.

I stared at him, not sure why he would be here. He didn't feel like a threat so I just stared. Waiting. Socially speaking it was the wrong thing to do. Or rather, it wasn't what a normal person would do and I realized that a little late as Dwight became increasingly more uncomfortable with my silence.

"Negan sent me." Dwight reported after a few tense moments.

"Negan?" I clarified, surprised. Negan has just left. "What does he need?" I didn't like the idea of him sending his minions to me and it made me snappy.

Dwight took half a step back from my anger. "No, really it was Simon who sent me. He told me to bring you down to the market and find you some knives."

As much as I hated the idea of going anywhere with Dwight. I wasn't about to turn down the chance to get knives. It wasn't that he had exactly done anything or that he felt like a threat. It was more that he just felt...slimy. Like he couldn't exactly be trusted. But I couldn't put my finger on exactly what it was that gave me that feeling.

Dwight led the way through the compound back towards the market. I was starting to recognize the path but I wouldn't have wanted to find it on my own. I hung back when we first entered the market. There were so many people, it made if difficult to focus. The noise felt deafening and a throbbing started in my temple. I just wanted to go back to my dorm where it was quiet and dark.

Dwight led me to one of the stalls in the back corner. There was a lady behind the table. Spread out all around her were knives of every shape and size. Dwight leaned in and spoke in a low tone with the woman behind the table. She narrowed her eyes at him and looked angry for a moment and then when he spoke again fear slid behind her eyes. The woman looked at me and then waved me forward impatiently.

"Pick what you need," Dwight said, and he turned away already losing interest.

I scowled at his back but then looked down at the knives laid out on the table in front of me. I didn't know what exactly was going on with the lady in the market stall, but Negan had said it was okay for me to have some. Or he had sent Dwight to make sure I was armed. Either way, it didn't matter, it felt like Christmas.

I reached forward, wanting to touch the knives. I quickly glanced at the woman behind the table. She was watching me with a bored expression on her face. I looked at the knives again. There had to be thirty laid out in front of me, all different shapes and sizes. I studied them for almost ten minutes, letting my hungry gaze run over each of them while I kept my hands clasped tightly behind my back.

Dwight shifted impatiently beside me and I knew I had to make a decision. I settled on two medium sized knives. Their balance and weight were good, comparable to what I was used fighting with. I twirled them experimentally through my fingers. I liked them. I could fight with them.

When I looked up Dwight was watching me warily and I suddenly realized what it must feel like to some of the people around me for me to be armed again. Dwight had seen me rip through a herd of biters with two screwdrivers and then completely lose control. Considering his perspective I stopped playing with the blades. It was unwise to make my armed guide fear me. I set them down on the table in front of me, even though it made me anxious to let them go for even a second.

"Those two," I said in a low voice, barely above a whisper. My fingers itched to touch them again.

Dwight nodded. He met the woman's gaze and she nodded not confirmation, pulling out a ledger.

"Thank you," I told her when she shoved the blades back towards me.

She harrumphed and went back to her notebook. It wasn't the right reaction, but I was so distracted over the possibility of having new knives, and two of them no less, I couldn't be bothered with what was and what was not the correct social exchange at this time.

I didn't have a belt on so there was no way for me to secure the knives to my pants, so I carried them. Dwight and I had only gone a few feet through the market before he seemed to realize what the problem was. He led me over to another vendor and found me a belt. Without me having to say anything else he brought me over to another stall where there were women's clothes.

"You should get a couple sets."

I frowned, looking down at the piles and then back at the woman behind this table who was scribbling notes down in a ledger. Points. Kate had said this whole place was run on points.

"How will I pay for all of this?" I asked Dwight cautiously.

Dwight arched a brow. "Well, if you are going to work for points, everything you take and use, like your food, dorm room, clothes, those knives, everything will be accounted for and you will owe points for what you have used. There's all sorts of work and some jobs are worth more points than others."

I nodded, it made sense that there had to be some form of barter system in place in a community this large.

"So you already have points being added up for you, though some of the stuff Negan said he would cover for you until you start working, unless-" Dwight drug off.

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Unless?" I prompted when he didn't offer up the information freely.

Dwight looked back at me. "Unless you kneel," he said and from the sound of it he didn't seem to think that was an acceptable option. Though I could have sworn I had seen him kneel. It seemed everyone around Negan had knelt at one point or another.

"Do you work for points?" I asked, it felt like a sort of personal question and I didn't know if I was being rude or not.

Dwight nodded. "Both my wife and I do."

"I won't kneel," I said resolutely. From what Kate and Merle said it sounded like they were working for points and I would join in whatever arrangement they had decided on.

Dwight shrugged. "Up to you in the end," he said. "But with your dorm and those visits to the doc I'll bet you owe a lot of points."

I considered Dwight's words and stepped back from the table of clothes. I wasn't willing to give up the knives, but I didn't need anything else. Dwight turned to go and hesitated, glancing back at me. "Are you staying in that dorm by yourself or do you want me to bring you to your sister?"

I opened my mouth to tell him to take me to Kate, but then I remembered the look on her face this morning. She had been afraid. And not just scared for me, but genuinely afraid of me. Merle had been quick to usher her out of the apartment before things went south, but that didn't change the fact that it had happened. I needed to be more in control before I tried living with them.

"The dorm please."

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I tried once more to sleep. There wasn't enough natural light to prevent me from sleeping, but try as a might, all I did was toss and turn. I had too many thoughts about this new place, what I was going to do and how it was all going to play out. I didn't feel comfortable enough to just let my guard down and sleep. There were too many unknowns.

I slipped from the dorm and this time managed to find the outside door without needing to use Merle's directions. The sun was bright and the sky was clear. I immediately felt better, just being out here. I sat down on the platform and let out a deep breath. I hadn't realized I had been holding that much tension in my body.

I don't know how long I sat there with my legs hanging over the edge, watching the people working several floors below. With the biters from the moat dead it was entirely peaceful.

The door clicked open behind me and I didn't turn. I didn't let myself even though every instinct I had was screaming at me it could be an enemy.

"I see you found some new toys," Negan said dropping down to sit beside me.

I glanced over at him. The warm sun had me feeling incredibly lethargic and with the knives strapped to my waist I finally felt comfortable enough to let my guard down. I was like a little kid with their favorite stuffed animal.

I remembered Dwight's words about points and I wondered how to bring it up. I chewed at my lip uncertainly. I didn't want Negan to think I was taking advantage of his hospitality and Dwight hadn't made it very clear about what Negan had covered.

"Dwighty boy find you everything okay?" He asked, shifting to get more comfortable.

I had bristled just hours ago when I was touched by my sister, but for some reason when Negan's leg brushed mine as he hung his feet over the edge with me, it didn't bother me. Instead he just felt warm.

"I did," I responded, my voice hoarse. I licked my lips, but didn't look at him. "Dwight told me about points." I said. "As soon as I can find something I'm good at and start earning-"

"Don't worry about that," Negan snapped his voice a little sharp. "We'll talk about it when you're all healed up," his tone left no room for argument and to be honest I was too tired to argue with him anyway.

I leaned forward, resting my folded arms on the lower railing and my chin on top of those. "I won't kneel," I told him sleepily.

"Not everyone does. I think you could help us here." Negan said carefully after a few minutes.

I snorted but didn't open my eyes that had somehow drifted shut. I shifted and Negan's leg was pressed the whole length of mine and he was so warm.

"I can't even help myself," I mumbled and I shifted again, enjoying the warmth.

"Bullshit. Give it time hot friend, you'll be back to kicking ass and taking names in no time. Then you can whip some of these assholes into shape."

His voice was a gentle rumble beneath my cheek and while that should have been alarming, it wasn't. I was just too tired and for the first time, thought I would be able to sleep.

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I don't know how long I slept for. I startled awake, ready to fight, but a warm hand on my back rubbed a soothing line along my spine. My eyes snapped open and I tried to sit up.

"Easy there hot friend," I recognized Negan's voice immediately. And while it should have made me more tense, instead I found it soothed some of the wariness that had suffocated me for so long.

I frowned. Looking around i was surprised to find I had been sleeping slumped against Negan's shoulder, still sitting up. Negan was watching me but he didn't seem frightened or concerned by my reactions, just mildly curious as he waited for me to decide what I was going to do next.

"I'm sorry," I said self consciously, wiping at my mouth and hoping I hadn't drooled on him. "I didn't mean to fall asleep and trap you here."

"Well," Negan said with a slow smile. "There are worse things than to be trapped by a beautiful woman."

I didn't know what to say to that. I felt self conscious in the tight, low cut shirt Kate has picked out. I looked down at my hands for a second and then back up at the sky, frowning. "How long did I sleep?" I asked. The sun was low on the horizon.

Negan stretched his arms above his head. "Couple hours."

"I'm sorry...I-"

Negan turned to look at me then, his eyes serious. "Don't apologize," he said firmly. "You saved a lot of people today and you needed rest. Now you got it. Problem solved,"He said holding his hands out dramatically.

I snorted, but looked away. I hadn't meant to fall asleep and i certainly hadn't intended to lean against him and force him to stay with me.

"Jo," he said my name and it had me looking into his dark eyes. The Brown was so dark it was nearly impossible to tell where the line for the pupil began. I blinked. He had called me Jo, he never called me anything other than hot friend. He had my attention, which I imagine was his intention.

Looking into his eyes it was like everything in my brain turned off. It was like I forgot I was supposed to hate being around other people and instead I just felt relaxed. Being next to Negan was the safest place in the community.

Negan caught me staring and he smirked at me. "I have something I want to show you if you think you've gotten enough beauty sleep."

I blushed, but nodded. I couldn't decide if I was annoyed with myself for staring or for getting caught.

"Good." He said and he groaned as he pulled himself to his feet. "It is a bitch getting old," he muttered shaking his head. I had never been very good at guessing people's ages, but I was pretty sure Negan was somewhere around ten years older than me. I cocked my head to the side as I noted the salt and pepper hair at his temples and the grey threading through his five o'clock shadow. Maybe fifteen years. I put his age as somewhere in his forties.

He led the way back into the building. I trailed behind him not sure what to expect. He led the way down a floor and opened a door. Inside was a large gym. There was exercise equipment of every shape and size lining the walls. Weights on one side and the other side was mats and punching bags.

As soon as we walked in everyone stopped and dropped to a knee in front of Negan. It really was getting obnoxious. I had no intention of kneeling, not ever. Not after what I had already been through.

I shifted my weight uncomfortable by their show of fealty and Negan seemed to notice. "Get outta here," he ordered and without hesitation or complaint the five men who had been working out slipped past us and disappeared down the hall. I watched the men's retreating backs and arched a brow a Negan.

He smirked at me. "I'm the boss hot friend. I keep this whole place running."

"And they all just do whatever you say," I replied. It wasn't a question. I had seen it, and I knew there was only one thing that could command people's immediate obedience.

Fear.

"I say jump, they ask how high," he said holding hand hands out.

"Yeah, I knew someone else like that," I said the words in a low voice, not really intending for Negan to hear them, but he had.

He moved forward into my space quicker than I thought possible. I tensed and when he kept coming I backed up a step until my back hit the wall. One of my hands dropped to the knife at my waist but Negan caught my wrist before it could get there. I tensed again, bracing myself to fight but instead his hands were gentle as he lifted my hand.

His gaze locked with mine and his eyes that had been teasing only seconds ago were now incredibly intense. "I'm not him sweetheart," his voice was low and gravelly. He brushed his lips across the sensitive skin on the inside of my wrist.

I froze, I had expected pain. Instead, a shiver ran up my spine as I was overwhelmed with sensations. My heart started pounding out an uneven rhythm in my chest. He smirked down at me, but there was something more serious in his eyes. He let go of my wrist and took a step back, holding his arm out to present the room for my inspection.

"And don't you forget it, hot friend," he advised with a wink. He flashed me a playful smile and lifted his chin to indicate the room.

Fighting to get control I turned away from him. I drew in a shuddering breath and turned my attention back to the reason we were here in the first place. I looked around the room and instead of saying anything Negan stood near the door and watched me.

"Once you are starting to feel more like your old self again, you can help yourself," he said after I had made a cautious lap around the room.

I frowned and turned back to him. "Who-?" I started to ask.

"It's for the soldiers, my soldiers," he clarified. "Pretty much the assholes you saw in here and more just like them. The workers side doesn't have a gym. But if you are going to teach some of these assholes to do what you do, you might need a place to train."

I turned around to face him. "You're serious?" I asked, I couldn't imagine why he would think this was a good idea. He had seen me at my worst. Twice. Twice in three days I hadn't been able to control myself. It had gotten so bad he had been forced to intervene, and still he wanted me.

"Oh, hot friend, I am as serious as a heart attack."

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Hope you enjoyed the update!