TW!! SUICIDE

(And lesbians)/J

Esperanza stared at the alarm that rung in her ear to remind her to get up and ready for school. Instead of reaching over to pause it, she let it ring. She didn't feel like doing anything, not anymore. Everyday it got harder and harder to get out of bed. Because now the only person who cared for her was gone and couldn't come back, no matter how hard she'd clutch her pillow at night, sobbing into it. Some nights, she didn't even cry. She just stared at the ceiling and wished for this hell to be over, wished for her to come back.

But, alas, she was still a student, which meant she still had to attend school.

She stared blankly at her ringing phone for a while longer. Before, her mind would be flooded with thoughts or feelings. But now, she felt numb.

She reluctantly got up, a deep growing yearning and sickness churning in her gut. But that's how she felt every morning, especially school days.

School days were just days after days on end of being ignored and humiliated. It was stupid, and so were all her classmates.

She gulped down the feeling of wanting to scream and cry and vomit all at once and got ready. She used to care for appearance, taking the time to thoroughly brush through her hair or do her makeup. But now, she didn't even brush her teeth. She felt disgusting, yet couldn't get herself to do anything hygienic other then shower.

She stared at herself at the mirror. At the mess she'd become, mostly. She scratched at her pale skin, leaving red streaks that eventually faded away with time. She was albino, according her doctor it was a genetic condition that made almost everything about her extremely pale, even her hair was basically white.

Contrary to popular belief, Albinism doesn't only effect African Americans. It can occur in any ethnicity or race. She was full Salvadorian, yet the kids at school last year assumed otherwise. They'd either give her off stares, make fun of her, or worse, call her a certain racial slur that had nothing to even do with her race. Technically, ignoring ethnicity, she was white.

She hated everything about herself. She'd never fit in ever, the only person who gave her a chance was..

She held back the tears forming.

At least, that's what she used to think.

Now, she had someone again. In fact, she was practically part of a group!

Lily was always so kind to her. Esperanza cared for her and the others dearly, but..

Even though life had been getting better, she still felt a chunk of her heart missing. Like someone grabbed it without any remorse and tore it out of her chest.

She opened her phone to ignore her troubles, but instead was greeted by something horrible.

The date. The date she died. How could she have forgotten?

--

Esperanza held back tears as she visit the memorial at the school for her again.

She felt nothing but anger for the people who suddenly switched up, pretending like they weren't the ones who caused her death. Acting like they were buddies all along, caring oh so much and mourning for 2 days just to look good. But Esperanza knew.

Just then, Lily tapped on her shoulder.

"Esperanza! You want to get to class earlier today? We have finals coming soon, and I want to be prepared."

Esperanza looked back and smiled weakly.

"Sorry Lily. I think I want to stay here for a bit longer." She said solemnly.

Lily immediately knew something was wrong. Esperanza always was a quiet person, but she thought after that sleepover that had changed. Maybe she felt different, in front of all these people. But this wasn't just any shyness, something bad had happened.

Lily placed her hand on Esperanzas shoulder before speaking softly. "Are you okay?"

Esperanza could feel the lump forming in her throat. Not now. She couldn't cry now.

"I'm fine."

Lilys eyes softened as she wrapped her arms around Esperanza and squeezed a bit.

"If you need to talk, I'm here, okay?"

Esperanza nodded.

And with that, Lily went on her way. She figured Esperanza needed some alone time.

--

"Cole, Peter, do you know anything about Esperanza and that girl who, uhm... Ended her life last year?" Lily asked carefully during lunch. Esperanza was no where to be seen.

Coles shoulders slumped as his face turned regretful. "I don't know about their relationship as a whole, but I know about Lana. I didn't bother to learn it until it was to late."

Peter held Coles hand under the table, rubbing his hand with his thumb.

"She was bullied a lot, for no reason really. I went up to her a few times and defended her, but I clearly didn't do enough.. I still regret it. I hate that a tragedy like that had to happen for this school to change."

Yehl listened silently as her face turned solemn. "She must've meant a lot to Esperanza. Say, isn't it her anniversary of.. you know?"

"Your right..! That's why she seems extra sad today.. She shouldn't be here. She should be relaxing at home, not be surrounded by the cause of Lanas death!" Lily said in realization.

"Mm.. maybe try to talk to her or something. I'm not great at comforting."Peter suggested.

Lily looked deep in thought. "I would, but what if she doesn't want to talk about it?"

Everyone at the table was silent for the rest of lunch. It was hard to bring up the mood after talking about something like that.

--

Esperanza sat in her 5th period classroom and gripped her pencil tight. Everyone had been talking about Lana today, loud and proud as if she couldn't hear.

"Wasn't that weird looking pale girl her like, only friend? So sad.." One said loudly, almost sarcastically.

Esperanzas head snapped back at the girl and glared, hard. Unsurprisingly, it was one of the very girls who bullied Lana and her the most. She could feel that lump again- she had to get out of here quick.

Without thinking, she got up and ran out of the classroom, leaving the teacher and the rest of her classmates a bit stunned.

As she fought back tears, she didn't take notice to the girl standing right in front of her.

"Ow-" A familiar voice said as she was knocked down.

Esperanza looked up. It was Lily, with her bathroom pass.

"Lily! I- Im so sorry-" She couldn't hold it anymore. This day had turned to shit quick, and running into Lily at her most vulnerable was the final straw.

She bawled her eyes out, right there on the hallway floor. She wasn't a pretty cryer.

Lily immediately shot up and held Esperanza, leaving the pass on the floor as if the most important thing at this moment was to comfort Esperanza. This just made Esperanza sob harder, still trying to conceal her cries but failing and choking on them.

"Esperanza, let's get out of here. You shouldn't be here." Lily said soothingly as she ran her hands through Esperanzas long hair.

Esperanza couldn't do much other than to nod and follow quietly as Lily checked herself out of school in the office.

Esperanza felt bad for ruining Lily's perfect attendance. She didn't deserve it, she didn't deserve all of this attention or care. She was a freak. A freak who just had an embarrassing mental breakdown in the middle of school. How would she ever show her face here again?

As they drove back to Lily's house, Esperanza kept her head low and wrapped her arms around herself, like she was a delicate porcelain doll ready to crack at any moment.

"Hey. I like your hair."

Esperanza looked up in shock. There stood a plain girl with long, straight black hair and pretty hoop earrings.

"..Really?"

"Mhm! What's your name? I'm Lana. I'm kinda new around here, already girls are being assholes. But you seem cool."

"Esperanza. I've been here a while, I know how the girls can be. But I'm not like them, I promise."

"Oh, hope in Spanish right?"

"Huh?"

"Your name. Doesn't it translate to hope?"

"Oh, yeah. It does. Is that weird?"

"No, not at all! I've been taking Spanish classes sense I didn't see any other cool things on the roster."

Esperanza smiled.

"Well.. if you ever need help, I'm here. I don't know much cause my parents didn't really teach me, but you learn a few things being around people who, well, only know Spanish."

"Your parents don't speak with you or anything?"

Esperanza shrugged.

"I don't mind, really."

Esperanzas grip tightened as her daydream memory was interrupted by the sound of Lily's engine turning off. "We're here!" She called happily.

Esperanza sniffled as she got out of the car.

"Won't your dad be upset? This is basically cutting class.."

Lily shook her head. "He'd understand. And he's not here anyway, don't worry about it!"

As they got inside, Esperanza sat down quietly on the couch.

"C'mon, let's go to my room." Lily said softly.

"Can I see your room? I bet you have millions of trophies from your cello skills."

"Ha! I wish. The most I have is a few bread crumbs from my dinner last night."

"Just let me see! Maybe you can serenade me." Lana winked with that sly grin on her face.

"Sureee." Esperanza picked up her bow and thought for a moment, before playing a short tune she learnt years ago. It was a soft and warm song, one of her favorites.

"Wow.." Lana gasped."That was beautiful."
Her eyes had this special shine in them. Almost like she was in love.

"Thanks, I could maybe teach you sometime! I don't think I'm a great teacher though!" She tried her best to hide her obvious blush. Being pale truly was a pain.

"I'd love that! We can do.. a cello duet! Or even better, I could play the violin or viola to really harmonize with you!"

....

They never got to do that duet.

"Esperanza? You awake?" Lily said loudly to get her attention.

Esperanza blinked and looked around, suddenly brought to the present again. "Yeah.. yeah, I'm coming."

Once she got to her room, she felt to tired to stand. She quickly layed on the bed, trying to not take up as much room as possible to not annoy Lily in anyway.

"You can use all the room you want, don't worry about that. Just get comfy."

"Esperanza! Why are you so stiff with it? Just relax and let it happen. Just get comfy!"
Lana guided her through the slow dance, ignoring her stiffness and trying to find the rhythm.
"You don't just dance to dance best. Than it doesn't look or feel good. It's all about the emotion! Just like a cello, you don't want to feel super robotic with your bowing."

Esperanza nodded, focusing on Lanas feet to match her movement, but slowly looking back up into her eyes to feel the music. Everything about her captivated Esperanza. She'd never felt that way with anyone else.

"There you go!"

Lana got closer and sped up the movement, not caring for a consistent style. She just danced how she wanted to dance- and that's all that mattered.

Esperanza giggled as she followed along, tripping over herself a bit but successfully being caught by her dance partner, or otherwise known as her very best friend for 8 short-feeling months.

..

"Do you want to talk about anything at all? I just want to help you in anyway I can, your my friend. My best friend." Lily said softly, still running her hands through Esperanzas hair.

Esperanza froze up. She had known Lily for months now, hadn't she? Time didn't seem to exist for her anymore. Was she replacing Lana? She couldn't replace Lana. She was a horrible person for thinking that, for even wanting to be close with Lily, everything was-

"Esperanza?"

Esperanza broke down again, sobbing into her hands as she crawled up into a small ball at the corner of the bed.

"Esperanza-" Lily was really concerned now. She hated seeing Esperanza like this, the girl she loved so dearly.. "I-its okay!"

"Ranza, it's okay! I know they'll show up next time-"

"But they wont! They don't care about me Lana, they never have! This isn't just about the stupid orchestra recital, this is about everything!" Esperanza sobbed.
"I've had to do everything for myself, I had to learn how to cook for myself, to fend for myself, everything by myself! All they ever do is just sit and drink, completely ignoring me for their stupid alcohol!" She scream-sobbed. She was so tired of yearning for her parents attention and receiving nothing.

Lana teared up herself and wrapped her arms around Esperanza, letting her rest her body weight on her.

After a while of sobbing, Esperanza lifted her head up weakly and stared at Lana with red puffy eyes.

"Youve done so much for me Lana. I don't think I've ever felt so comfortable around anyone.. I think.. I think-"

"I love you!"
Lily said with tears welling up in her eyes. "I love you and I don't know how to help you!"

She pulled Esperanza in a tight embrace. "I love you." She said softer this time.

Esperanza pushed her back and screamed.

"I think I love you Lana."

Lana looked puzzled, but slowly a soft blush filled her face.

"I think I love you too."

"You shouldn't. Your a normal looking girl, Lana, you can get passed those assholes at school. I can't. I'm a freak," She began to cry again, looking down at her pale skin.

Lana grabbed her face and got close.

"Don't say that! Don't you dare say that! You are the most perfect being alive! I don't give a shit what people think, I love you."

Esperanza felt her fears melt away as Lanas soft lips pressed against hers.

..

She was a liar. It did effect her, she did care what they thought. She'd act happy with Esperanza, like her normal self. But Esperanza saw how she was when people would pick on her for no reason, it got so bad to the point she would come over with bruises on her body. But she'd still be that happy go lucky girl Esperanza loved.

She should've known it was an act, she should've saved her. But she didn't. Esperanza couldn't do anything.

She failed her.

Her suicide note? A simple text sent to Esperanza in the middle of the night, while she was asleep.

"I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore. I love you Ranza."

Esperanza sobbed until her vocal cords were probably damaged, while Lily stepped back quickly. "I-im so sorry! I don't understand what did I do wrong! I'm so sorry, Ranza..!"

Esperanza couldn't handle hearing that nickname again.

"Please, stop! Just stop it! Leave me alone!" She screamed, running out of the door and onto the street, leaving Lily alone to her thoughts.

..

Lily stood in utter shock for a while, before finally breaking down.

Covered in her own snot and tears, she regretted every life choice she had ever made. Why did she say that? Why couldn't she help Esperanza? Why couldn't she even figure it out? She was a horrible friend. Now where was Esperanza going to go? Run home? Lily couldn't stand thinking about Esperanza for long.

She really did love Esperanza. It was the first time she really felt that way for anyone, something about her just drew her in.

She cherished every moment she spent with her, and now she'd ruined it all.

How can I fix this??

-----

Notes...

I apologize if this is cringe.. if you couldn't tell I had this planned out for a very long time hehe. I love angst!!! I hope you guys enjoyed this super long chapter even if it is super depressing 💔