[Present]

We were all meant to lose certain things and people we have one way or the other; and all of them were irreplaceable because losing them felt the same as losing a part of ourselves. But that was the thing. We didn't have to replace them... we didn't have to forget them... that would mean we would be forever scarred but that was the proof of them being here, even if they cease to exist.

"It needs to be check, let's go to the hospital," I concluded, feeling uneasy after scrutinizing his cut. We were sitting side by side on the last step of the stairs.

With a palm on his head to hold up his hair, he winced when I touched the cotton on his open wound. It wasn't bleeding anymore but the skin on the surface was still red.

"Nah, I told you it's okay. There's no need to go to the hospital."

Kumuha ako ng isang square gauze sa maliit na pouch ng first aid kit na lagi kong dala sa bag. Nang binalikan ko siya ng tingin ay agad niya akong binigyan nang nakapapanatag na ngiti. Only that, it didn't serve its purpose.

Because, "It's not okay." Maingat kong inilapat ang gauze sa noo niya. I could feel him staring closely at me all the while. "I don't know if you still have a fetish hitting your head but I'm sure nothing about it is okay. Did you see how much you bled?"

"Hindi naman ako nahihilo. Hindi rin naman gano'n kasakit. And the bleeding stopped," aniya sabay alis ng palad sa ulo. The black, messy strands of hair fell on his forehead, almost covering his eyes. With a slight tilt of the head, he then scratched a finger on his temple and assured, "I'm telling you, I'm really okay."

I sat still beside him and shot him back a disbelieving look. Tears were threatening to fill my eyes again, despite all the tears I'd already shed while listening to him talk about what happened years ago.

"After you told me all that?" Hindi ko nakontrol ang kaunting panginginig ng boses. "The box argument is already stupid as it is. Can we please not make another pointless debate?"

His lips slightly cracked open as if he was about to say something but caught himself. Matapos itikom pabalik iyon ay kumurap siya at tinapunan ako nang nanunukat na tingin. Pagkabuga ng hangin ay dahan-dahan siyang tumango at hindi na nakipagtalo. "Okay."

Hopefully, suture wasn't needed for his cut—steri-strip will do as per the doctor's advice. Clint kept telling me he was okay but I wasn't taking any chances. Matapos kumpirmahin ng doctor na walang damage at maayos siya ay saka lamang ako napalagay.

"What did I tell you?" pangisi-ngising aniya sabay sulyap sa akin nang lumalabas na kami sa ospital.

I was about to give him a retort only to be interfered by a familiar voice.

"Clint?!"

We were then standing at the front of the hospital when we both halt to a stop. Pagkalingon sa pinanggalingan ng boses ay isang bulto ang naabutan naming mabilis na lumalapit.

"Brad!"

"Chico? Anong nangyari sa 'yo?" si Clint, kunot-noong pinapasadahan ng tingin ang arm cast nito sa kanang braso.

"Bakit ka nandito?"

Sabay na lumipad pabalik sa balisa nitong ekspresyon ang tingin naming dalawa.

"Is there a problem?" ako ang nagtanong dahil hindi agad nakasagot si Clint.

Sumulyap sa akin si Chico, hindi mapakali. Ang malaya niyang palad ay naisuklay pa sa buhok bago sumagot. "Hindi mo ba nabalitaan ang nangyari sa tatay mo? Dapat hindi ka na bumalik dito!"

Lito kaming nagpalitan ng tingin nang kunot-noong si Clint sa narinig.

"Anong ibig mong sabihin?"

"Brad, may mga naghahanap at humahabol sa tatay mo. Nagpunta siya isang beses sa Ramen shop noon at nakiusap sa akin na sabihan kang 'wag nang bumalik dito—dahil pati ikaw madadamay. Alam kong nasa Maynila ka kasama sina Tito Ted pero wala akong contact sa kanila, kaya sinabi ko sa kaniyang wala na akong contact sa 'yo.

"'Yun ang huling beses ko siyang nakita bago siya natagpuang wala nang buhay. Pre, isang taon nang patay ang tatay mo. Hanggang ngayon pinaghahanap pa rin ang gumawa n'on sa kaniya—kaya posibleng hanggang ngayon hindi pa rin ligtas na nandito ka!"

Dumaan ang katahimikan sa pagitan naming tatlo matapos. Nang nilingon ko si Clint ay naabutan ko ang mas lalong pagkunot ng noo niya. Ang mga mata niya'y nakadirekta sa daan at tila malalim ang iniisip.

"Patay na siya?" animong wala sa sarili niyang utas. Sabay mabagal na tango na para bang sinusubukang intindihin iyon. Bukod sa matigas na ekspresyon ay wala nang ibang emosyong mabasa sa mukha niya.

Sandali pang nagtagal ang usapan nila tungkol sa tatay niya. Clint didn't get notified of his father's death, probably because of the Restraining order against the latter. Ayon kay Chico, may isang malayong kamag-anak ang nasabihan at nag-claim ng bangkay, na ngayon ay nakalagak na sa probinsyang kinalakihan nito.

It hit me then that there were some people who knew that he didn't die four years ago, Chico for instance—and probably most of those who were close to him that had always been here since.

"Are you okay?" tanong ko.

Hanggang makabalik kami sa bahay nina Toby mula sa ospital ay wala pa siyang ni isang salitang sinabi. Ngayon naman ay tanging balewalang tango lang ang isinukli niya sa tanong ko.

"I think Chico's right. Maybe you should go back to Manila. We can't risk your safety here."

"Wala na siya." He drew in a tight breath and slowly breathed it out. Matapos pasadahan nang isang mabilis ang buhok gamit ang palad ay hilaw siyang ngumisi. "Masama ba akong tao kung sabihin kong wala akong maramdaman?" Sabay direkta sa akin nang blangkong tingin.

Sandali akong natahimik nang maalala ang lahat nang sinabi niya kanina lang. His father, or should I say, his uncle, had never been a proper guardian for both him and his brother. Instead, he'd been the root of their pains. So, I think, "That's... reasonable. And that doesn't make you a bad person."

"Nakiusap siya kay Chico na balaan akong 'wag nang bumalik dito? Para hindi ako madamay? Anong gusto niyang palabasin? Na naging tatay siya sa akin, sa wakas?" He uttered inaudible curses and let out a sarcastic laugh. With a voice dripping with bitterness, he then said, "Kailan pa siya nagkaroon ng pakialam sa akin? And what—did he really think giving a damn about me could make up to all the pain? He's gotta be fucking kidding me."

I stared at his brooding expression in silent sympathy. At the end of the day, forgiving wasn't synonymous with forgetting.

Pagkabitiw ng tingin ay dismayado siyang umiling at mabigat na nagbuga ng hangin. Lumakad siya at inabala ang sarili sa pagbuhat ng box bago sinabing, "I won't go back to Manila yet. I'm staying here."

He didn't say a single word about his father after that, until we almost forget that we heard that news later that day.

I wasn't in any position to judge him. But even though I was relieved with his honesty, a part of me was still trying to get used to this side of him. Because after knowing why that night happened, I couldn't look at him the same way anymore. I couldn't see him as the same person I used to know. And it made me realize how much he wasn't telling me then.

He wasn't dying sick. He wasn't just a weird boy. He wasn't entirely everything I've known him to be. Right now, he had become a completely another person in my eyes. And that would probably take some time getting used to.

Malapit nang magdilim nang natapos namin ang pag-aayos sa mga gamit ni Toby. Isang pasada ang ginawa ko sa kwarto nitong ngayo'y wala nang gamit. I could picture him here from when he was a little boy until he slowly grew up.

Hindi ko napigilan ang ngiting sumilay sa mga labi ko nang maramdaman ang init na tila humaplos sa puso ko.

His death was tragic. But that didn't mean his life was too. Because he left all of us a warm feeling whenever we thought about him. And this is how I would always remember him with: warm, calm and safe. Just like home.

"Sigurado ka bang 'yan lang ang gusto mong kunin?"

Bumagsak ang mga mata ko sa nag-iisang libro ni Toby na kinuha ko sa side drawer. Dahan-dahan akong tumango. Ramdam ko ang pagkakatagal ng tingin niya sa akin nang niyakap ko iyon.

"Ayaw mong kunin 'yung stuff toy sa taas ng bookshelf?"

Sabay na kumawala ang tawa naming dalawa pagkalingon ko sa kaniya.

"No thanks, please." Pabiro akong ngumiwi.

Madilim na ang paligid at bukas na ang mga street lamp sa kalsada. Wala halos tao kaming nakakasalubong at kung may mga sasakyan ma'y madalang na ang pagdaan. We were walking side by side on the roadside, the friction from our shoes on the ground filled the silence of the night—kasama na ang malalayong tahol ng aso at makina ng ilang sasakyan.

He tucked both hands in his jacket's pocket, eyes were trained on the ground. Hawak ko naman ang strap ng suot na satchel body bag.

"I'm not sure I understand what you said about you and Maddie being together. You're not dating her but... you live together?" tanong ko nang maalala ko iyon.

"Sounds like the case—but just for a while back."

"How does that make sense?" Tinapunan ko siya ng tinging nanghihingi nang paliwanag.

Sandaling nanliit ang mga mata niya at saka ito sinabi, "Parang kayo ni Leo."

"We don't live together."

Kumawala ang tawa niya sa mabilis kong tugon. Hinugot niya ang isang kamay para lang himasin ang baba. "I don't know what's with this face, why people always seemed so fond of me—na gusto nila akong isama sa pamilya nila." Muli siyang humalakhak, ngayo'y napapailing na. "Siguro kinupkop din ako ni Chef noon kung nagpaampon ako."

Kumurba ang ngiti ko habang nakatingin sa kaniya. "You mean to say they absorbed you in their family?"

Nakangisi siyang sumulyap sa akin bago nagdiretso ng tingin sa daan. "Exactly. But like I said, I don't live with them anymore. Except right now—because she insisted to have the rest of her summer vacation here and that I should tag along. So we're currently staying with her relatives."

Tumango ako at napatuon na rin ng tingin sa nilalakaran. I guess Maddie's parents, same with Toby's wanted Clint to be part of their family too.

Mahina akong natawa nang maalala ko ang sinabi niya noon. "Cute ka na ba n'yan?"

Napahalakhak siya sabay lingon sa akin, mukhang naalala rin iyon.

Marami kaming napagkwentuhan habang kumakain. About his work, Maddie and her parents, why I took my course, about my upcoming admission at med school, Leo and I's family set-up and plans for tomorrow. At hindi tulad ng mga una naming pag-uusap simula nang magkita kami ulit, I could feel myself warming up with him again.

Though it felt kinda weird—getting to know someone again in a new light. Like discovering a new passage from an old place I knew at the back of my hand, or at least I thought I did until I got to explore undiscovered parts of it.

Pagkatapos sa Ramen shop ay magkasabay muli kaming naglakad sa tahimik na kalsada. I suggested to ride the bus but he said he wanted to walk me home.

Binalot kami nang katahimikan ng gabi habang sabay na naglalakad. Tanging mga ilaw mula sa mga poste ang nagsisilbing liwanag sa basang kalsada, dahil sa saglit na pag-ulan kanina. Isang baling at sinalubong ako nang malamig na ihip ng hangin, kasabay nang tila pagdala niyon sa akin ng isang alaala.

"You told me once that rain came in second from the things you like. What's the first thing, then?"

Bahagya siyang natigilan bago mabagal na napalingon sa akin. Nagkatinginan kaming dalawa. His expression stayed blank for a few seconds until he slightly furrowed his brows with a faint smile.

"Hindi ko ba nasabi?"

Umiling ako.

"Hmnn... what do you think it is? Any guess?"

I said the first thing that came up my mind, "Dangerous things? Particularly, hitting your head on something?"

He chuckled. "Good guess. But no. Ano pa?"

"Crazy ideas?" ngiwi ko.

Grinning now, he shook his head. "The fourth degree of pain."

I blinked in confusion. "What's that?"

"The first thing on the list I was fond of."

Lito ko siyang sinipat. "I know, but what exactly is that?"

He just grinned more and didn't say anything. I decided then how I hated that about him; Saying vague things and not explaining it. But then again, I guess I kind of knew what that meant. Because the fourth degree of pain... was probably death.

"Do you still like the rain?"

"I'll always do."

"Does that also goes with the first thing?"

Sandali siyang natahimik bago muling nagsalita. "Hmn... it still sounds appealing to me somehow... but not in the same way as before."

Ramdam ko ang pagkakatagal ng tingin niya sa akin habang patuloy na naglalakad kaya't ibinaling kong pabalik ang tingin sa kaniya. There was something in his eyes I couldn't name as it bore tenderly into mine. Na siyang dahilan nang pagbangga sa akin ng kabang hindi ko napaghandaan.

Huminto siya sa paglakad at noon ko lang natantong naroon na pala kami sa tapat ng bahay. Hindi ako sigurado kung masyado bang mabilis ang naging lakad namin kaya't hindi ko namalayan ang oras.

"Bukas na lang?" Ngumiti siya nang mahuli ang linya ng mga mata ko.

Dismayado akong tumango. Hindi maintindihan kung bakit parang ayaw ko pang mahiwalay sa kaniya gayung magkasama na kami buong araw.

He chuckled under his breath. "Ayaw mo pang pumasok?"

Pagkaangat ng tingin ay pinagmasdan kong mabuti ang mukha niya. His chinky eyes were turning into small slits from smiling. Ang maliit na nunal sa gilid ng labi niya ay nawala rin. His hair was still in a mess—that goes to show that he was still that same weird boy he used to be years ago, or at least these parts of him stayed the same.

"Can you promise me one thing?" Bahagyang nanginig ang boses ko sa sariling tanong.

Dahan-dahang humupa ang ngiti niya ngunit hindi nagsalita at hinayaan akong magpatuloy.

"Will you promise to be always honest with me from now on?"

Sinuklian niya ang mga titig ko mula sa naninilaw na sinag ng lamp post malapit sa gilid namin. Humakbang siya ng isa palapit at maingat na sinapo nang magkabilang palad ang pisngi ko. Ang mga mata niya'y nabahiran ng pagod habang lumilibot sa bawat parte ng mukha ko.

Until slowly, a gentle smile touched his lips. Huminto ang tingin niya sa mga mata ko matapos. Sa boses na halos hangin sa hina ay sinabi niya ito, "I won't leave you in the dark again, Arkin. Pangako."