"Wala na si Clint."

The next days went on like how it should. After the news of him being gone reverberated on the whole town, Leo and I went to Manila and carry on with our lives.

Gusto kong magluksa ngunit kailangan kong magpatuloy. Hindi ko alam kung gaano katagal akong nawala sa sarili hanggang sa mag-umpisa ang pasukan. Natatagpuan ko na lang ang sarili kung minsan na bigla-biglang umiiyak at madalas na tulala. May mga araw na pakiramdam ko parang hindi ko kayang bumangon at magpatuloy-pero kailangan.

Hindi ko na rin alam kung anong nangyari pero hindi na natuloy ang dapat pagkikita-kita namin nina Jackie. They didn't contact us after the incident and vice versa. Pero kung bibigyan ko ng dahilan ang sarili, siguro'y pare-pareho lang kaming hindi makapaniwala sa nangyari. At pare-pareho kaming hindi iyon matanggap.

I didn't go back home in our town as much as possible. Kahit sem break ay sa dorm ako nags-stay. Going back there would be tormenting and I didn't want to be reminded of awful things again.

"Still doesn't want to go home?" Blangkong mukha ni Leo ang naabutan ko pagkabukas sa pinto ng dorm.

Tanging mahinang iling ang isinukli ko sa kaniya bago pumasok ulit sa loob. Naaninag ko ang paglapag niya ng dalang plastic sa lamesa at saka naupo. Isa-isa niyang inilabas ang laman noon at inilatag sa hapag. Sumulyap siya sa akin matapos.

"I haven't eaten yet. Sumabay ka na sa 'kin."

"I'm not hungry." Niyakap ko ang sarili habang nakaupo sa sahig, doon sa gilid ng kama.

Pumalatak siya at sa parehong blangkong ekspresyon ay mariin akong tinignan. "Gusto mo pa yatang subuan pa kita?"

Hindi ako umimik. Sa huli ay nagbubuntonghininga na lamang akong tumayo para daluhan siya roon. I settled on the seat across from him.

"Your eyes are sunken. Not getting enough sleep? Kailan mo pa na-acquire ang pagiging nyctophilia?" aniya habang abala sa pag-aayos nang naka-pack na take-out. Inilapag niya ang isa sa mini table, sa harap ko. Sunod niyang inabot sa akin ang disposable na mga kubyertos.

"Leo..."

"What? Eat." Inilapag niya ang inaabot nang hindi ko iyon tinanggap. Abala na siya sa pagkain nang nanatili ang walang emosyon kong mga mata sa kaniya.

"Was it my fault?"

Natigilan agad siya sa ginagawa at dahan-dahang nagtuon ng tingin sa akin.

"It's been a year... but it still bothers me..." tila hangin sa hina ang mga salitang iyon nang magdaan sa mga labi ko. "Wala ba akong kwentang kaibigan kaya niya nagawa 'yon? I failed him, right? I knew about his illness and his sufferings... but I couldn't do anything to save him..."

"Wala kang kasalanan. And if you'll blame yourself, then that should go for every one of us too."

"Bakit wala na naman akong nagawa?"

"You did everything you could."

"Bakit ginawa pa rin niya?"

"Dahil kung minsan... kahit gaano mo subukang iligtas ang isang tao mula sa sarili niya... siya pa rin ang may hawak nang pinal na desisyon sa huli."

"Can't he at least tell me why he did it?"

Hindi siya nagsalita.

"I could've done more... if only I've done more then maybe... maybe he'll think twice... siguro narito pa rin siya... siguro hindi niya gagawin 'yon..."

"Rai."

"No matter how many times I think about it, it still felt like my fault..." Nasapo ko ng palad ang kumawalang mga hikbi. I was almost choking but I couldn't contain it all in. Kailangan ko iyong ilabas. Kailangan kong sabihin. Kailangan kong palayain. Dahil kung hindi, pakiramdam ko sasabog ako.

"You know what's fucked up? I couldn't ask him about his sickness not only because I wanted him to confide in me on his own volition but because... because I was afraid... that it wasn't the sole reason why he's dying... I was so scared that I know he wanted to die not because of his sickness but because he wanted to take his own life... it crossed my mind along the way but I refused to concede to it... at hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko... hindi ko alam kung kaya ko bang baguhin ang isip niya... hindi ko alam kaya mas pinili kong paniwalaang mamamatay siya dahil sa sakit niya at hindi sa ibang dahilan..."

A long silence ensued in between my sobs. Ang pagtulo ng mga luha ko'y parang hindi na titigil, tulad nang paulit-ulit na paninikip ng dibdib ko. Ilang beses nang dumaan sa isip kong ayoko na, sobrang sakit, sana matapos na, pero narito pa rin ako. Para akong binabangungot. Gusto ko nang gumising ngunit para akong presong nakakulong sa mga alaala niya. Gusto ko nang takasan ang reyalidad ngunit hanggang sa panaginip ay sinusundan ako ng 'di matapos na pagsisisi.

"It's... it's all my fault..."

"Your only fault is carrying all of this on your own. You can't carry someone else's burdens together with yours. Kaya kung sisisihin mo ang sarili mo, dapat mo rin akong sisihin. At anong mapapala natin kung magsisisihan tayo rito? Wala."

Blangko ang mukha niya nang muli akong mag-angat ng tingin. Hanggang sa unti-unti kong makita ang pagkislap ng mga mata niya dahil sa namumuong luha. Mas lalo akong napahikbi.

I'd never seen him cried before. Kahit noong mga bata pa kami at nasusugatan siya, tinitiis niya ang sakit at buong tapang na binabalandra ang blangkong mukha. Even when his mother left, I didn't see him cry. He cried alone and never let anyone saw him do it. Leo's a tough nut like what Reegan said but right now, I could see his walls crumbling.

"If there's one thing we could do for everyone who left us, it's to carry on and be better. To see the point in staying that they couldn't find while they're still here."

Some people held a special place in our hearts and once they were gone, a piece of them always stayed within us. May mga bagay sa buhay natin na nagbabago at nawawala, kahit gaano natin ito subukang ingatan at bigyang halaga. Masakit ang mawalan ngunit mas masakit ang magpalaya-sa umpisa. Some pain scarred and changed us for a lifetime. At sa puntong iyon, alam kong hindi na ako magiging tulad ulit ng dati.

Dalawang taon. Makalipas ang dalawang taon magmula nang gabing pinagtangkaan niyang tapusin ang sarili niyang buhay, noon lamang ako ulit nagkaroon nang lakas ng loob para bumalik at umuwi. Though I could only came home at sem breaks.

I spent the rest of the summer in Manila and roam around libraries and museums alone. Kung minsan ay sinasamahan ako ni Leo. But most of the time, I wanted to do it alone. At sa dalas ko sa ilang library ay kilala na ako ng ilang librarian doon at nakakakwentuhan ko na rin ang iba.

I made friends, a few of them asked me out. And even though I found some of them interesting, I just couldn't get myself to like them enough to date. Mabilis din namang sumusuko ang mga sumusubok tuwing nakikita nila si Leo. Whether they think there was something going on between us or there was an unrequited love somewhere, wasn't my concern anymore. Basta hindi na sila mangungulit, ayos na ako ro'n. Sila na ang bahala sa mga gusto nilang isipin.

After years seeing how mom smiled again whenever she was with Tito Lenard, unti-unti ko nang natanggap sa sarili na lahat ng bagay ay kayang matutunan. Ang sumubok. Magpakatatag. Magpatuloy. At magmahal ulit. At tama si Leo noon. Sino nga ba ako para humadlang pa? They were both adults and they know how to deal with things more than I could.

For the last years they'd been together, I haven't heard them talk about marriage. At wala namang nagmamadali. Bukod sa isang ungas na gusto pa yatang magkaroon nang bagong sanggol bilang kapatid.

"Shuta, BS Psychology ang kinuha ko hindi BS manghuhula!"

"Sino na naman ang kaaway mo?" Natatawa kong sinalubong ang nag-aalburutong si Viel nang maupo siya sa table namin.

"Paano ba naman 'tong pinsan ko, buong weekend akong kinukulit-paano niya raw malalamang crush siya ng crush niya! Nakakabasa raw kasi ako ng isip dahil sa course na kinuha ko. Ang impakto ginawa pa akong telepathic!"

Nagtawanan kaming mga nasa table dahil sa gigil na gigil niyang pagkukwento.

"Some people even thought we're crazy because they're thinking that in the future, we're diagnosing crazy people!"

"Duh! We observe human behaviour and the way they think not read their freaking minds!"

Napailing na lamang ako habang pinakikinggan ang mga daing nila. Sumilip ako sa wrist watch at nakitang lagpas nang fifteen minutes at wala pa rin ang prof namin. The grace period of waiting for him was over so I stood up and decided to go to the library and read.

"Where you off to, Rai?"

"Library." Ngumiti ako nang sumimangot sa akin ang nagtanong na si Viel.

"I swear, you breathe through books and not through air," biro niyang dahilan ng pagtawa ko.

I remember Jackie on her. I wonder how she's doing now. Pati na ang iba...

Out of all the people I'd met, I still think about how I could've save some of them in the past. I still wondered how they would turn out if they were still with us 'till this day.

Would my father be proud of the person I become? Would Toby still drop those weird random stuff and fun facts from time to time? Would that person still be as weird as the first time we talked?

For years, I couldn't utter his name without breaking down... and I'd been afraid when I thought that everything that happened, all my memories of him, the good and the bad, would all turned into an awful nightmare.

I'd lost count of the times I blamed myself for it. But knowing that he was here and he was alive, that everything I've done didn't go to waste, that I could finally ask him why he did it and I could still make amends for my shortcomings... all the pain was suddenly worth it.

"I... I kept calling your name... but you're not... you couldn't hear me..."

Bumagsak ang palad niya.

"I blamed myself for years believing you're gone... because I couldn't... I couldn't save you..."

"Rai..."

"Ang... ang dami kong gustong sabihin sa 'yo... ang dami kong gustong itanong... p-pero wala ka... akala ko wala ka na... gusto kitang makita... gusto kong humingi ng tawad... gusto kong bumalik sa umpisa... sana... sana naging mas matapang ako... para kumbinsihin kang baguhin ang desisyon mo... sana... sana hinayaan mo akong tulungan ka... b-baka..." hindi ko na natapos ang sinasabi dahil sa sunod-sunod kong hikbi. I was sobbing so hard, I could feel the heat burning from my face down to my neck.

"Hey... hey, look at me." Maingat niya muling sinapo ang pisngi ko.

Despite my blurry sight, I tried to look up at him and speak with a trembling voice. "But y-you're here... you're here, aren't you? I'm not... I'm not losing my mind, am I? Y-you're really here..."

"I am... I'm here..." Nodding, his bloodshot eyes stared closely at me as he wiped away my endless tears. "You're not losing your mind. I'm right here..."

"Quijano..." I almost choked on a sob.

"Arkin." In spite of the pain painted on his expression, he still managed to crack a smile. Matapos saluhin ng palad ang likod ng ulo ko'y dahan-dahan niya iyong kinabig at dinala patungo sa dibdib niya. "I'm here... I'm right here... I'm alright... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry..."

Marahan akong umiling sa dibdib niya. "I should be the one saying sorry. If I'd been a better friend then you wouldn't-"

"Hindi-wala kang kasalanan. Wala kang ginawang mali. Mahina ako at duwag kaya ko nagawa 'yon. Hindi mo 'yon kasalanan," paulit-ulit niya iyong ibinulong sa akin.

"Then why... why did you do it?" Nanuyo ang naninikip kong lalamunan matapos ko iyong itanong.

Nang dahan-dahan akong nag-angat ng tingin sa kaniya'y naabutan ko ang pagkislap nang pagod at namumula niyang mga mata. Parang walang-awang pinipiga ang puso ko nang paulit-ulit.

"Clint..."

"Rai."

Slowly, I kneeled so I could reach and wrap my arms around his neck and hugged him tight. The words I wanted to say to him that had been circling around my head for a long time finally crossed my lips. But this time, he could hear it. He would know it. And I would make sure to let him feel it.

"I'm here. And I'm not staying just for the good parts... so show me the ugly things too. I want to see the bad parts just the same."

Because the feelings I have for him over the years finally made sense to me. For I have one less regret now-but he was still right here, he still remained in my heart.