Sometimes, I think there were feelings that only dawned on me a little late after some things happened. Because I feel detached when it was happening to me. It took some time for me to process some feelings and only able to grasp the entirety of it when everything's already said and done—like a slow yet impactful blow.

I remembered having this friend in our old town. She was crying because we are about to move out. On the other side though, I didn't feel anything when she said that I might find some other friend and forgot about her quickly. At the time, I thought she might be right. But weeks after we moved out, I could still hear her words echoing inside my head, refusing to be forgotten, as if it was there to haunt me.

Ang katahimikang pinupunan noon ng mga kwento at tawa niya ay 'tsaka lamang rumehistro sa akin. Ilang linggo pagkatapos nang pagkakaputol ng komunikasyon namin ay 'tsaka ko lang tuluyang nararamdamang wala na nga pala siya—na malayo na kami sa isa't-isa. She wasn't around anymore. At ang mga salitang gusto kong sabihin sa kaniya'y noon lang isa-isang nagsisulputan sa isip ko.

I should've told her the same thing. Dahil siya itong outgoing at madali lang para sa kaniyang makahanap ng kaibigan. I should've told her I enjoyed our short time together. That listening to her stories made my day a little interesting. I should've told her I wouldn't be able to win new friends as easily as she could. I should have told her she was my first friend and I wouldn't forget her. That I would be thinking about her, her silliness, her stories and wonder about what she's up to from time to time.

But feelings only dawned on me when it was already too late. Exactly when I no longer have any use for it.

It had been a week since Toby Lorenzo died. And I couldn't remember doing anything particular on that whole week but to stick my nose on a book, like I always did. While everyone was busy talking about him.

Marami nang tao sa gym at nag-uumpisa na rin ang program nang marating namin iyon. Namukhaan ko agad ang karamihan sa mga naroon bilang mga schoolmate at ilang teachers namin. Ang mga miyembro ng SC ay naroon sa pinakaunahang hilera ng mga upuan kasama ang ibang teachers—all of them had sorrow written all over their faces and most of them were crying while listening to someone speaking up on the stage.

Ah. Eulogies.

Si Quijano ay mabilis na naglaho sa paningin ko at wala akong ideya kung napasaan siya. Hindi naman ako interesadong malaman pa ang mga kabalbalan niya, kaya't inabala ko na lamang ang sarili sa patuloy na pagpuna ng paligid. The lights were kinda dim and warm but it was enough to see everything clearly. From the clothes and the expressions everyone wore: the scene was black and white. The smell of burnt wax from lit candles together with different flowers attacked my nose. The familiar scent of grief from a loss—something I won't get used to.

Hindi ko man ginusto'y kusang huminto ang mga paa ko sa tapat ng isang bulletin board. Laman nito ang iba't-ibang litrato ni Lorenzo kasama ang ilang kaibigan. There were also short messages on sticky notes posted on it. Ayaw kong basahin ang mga iyon ngunit may isa roong hindi sinasadyang nahagip ng paningin ko.

'See ya on the other side... shortly.'

Sakto namang nagtindigan ang mga balahibo ko pagkarinig sa malamig na boses ng lalaking kumakanta na ngayon sa stage. Tanging kalmadong kalabit lamang ng guitara ang kasabay nang pag-alingawngaw ng tinig nito sa apat na sulok ng gym.

So long goodbye—was the title of the song.

The serenity and peacefulness of the whole gym despite this many people gave off a solace feeling, knowing that we were all gathered here with the same reason: to mourn our loss.

Mapait akong napangiti sa sarili. Toby Lorenzo surely was one heck of a loss. I wonder why it was the good ones who always had to be the one to say goodbye first. It was as if life was just a trial and the more kind you are, the earlier you'll be granted your ticket to the other side.

Nagtiim bagang ako nang walang pasubaling gumapang sa akin ang isang pamilyar na damdamin.

Stupid regret. How many times do I have to deal with it?

Tumulala ako sa isang estudyanteng kumakanta sa stage. His voice together with the music felt warm but my gut was feeling cold. Gustuhin ko man o hindi ay naiisip ko siya... nang paulit-ulit.

Lorenzo... Toby...

It can't be true that he's really gone. Dahil kung totoong wala na siya, bakit pakiramdam ko narito lang siya sa paligid? Na kasabay ng huling taon kong pagpasok sa high school ay naroon pa rin siya? I just couldn't picture him gone. I heard it, they confirmed it, and I know that he's no longer with us, or in this world, but why is it so hard to believe?

Ang mga lugar kung saan siya nagtungo... mga taong malapit sa kaniya... mga salitang sinabi niya... it was all still here. So how come he wasn't? How could that be possible?

Lorenzo, you lame airhead! How dare you leave like this without even saying goodbye? I was waiting for the summer to end just so... I could... tell you that...

Damn it! Bakit hindi ka man lang nakapaghintay?

I tried to gulp the bile surfacing in my throat. I willed my eyes shut hoping that the foul feeling would go away but I was dead wrong. All the damn time, I'd been wrong. Dahil mas lalo lang naging malinaw sa akin ang mga alaala niya. Dire-diretso iyong bumuhos sa akin kasabay nang biglaang pagbuhos nang malakas na ulan. Para akong malulunod.

I remembered that carefree smile he always wore on his stupid face. Na para bang kayang-kaya niyang dalhin gaano man kabigat ang kahit na anong dalahin. And I hated him for it, because no one, including me, had seen what's really behind those bright smiles of his.

"Rai?"

How stupid of me to come here knowing that I would only be reminded of awful things I didn't want to remember?

"Rai!"

I let the door shut behind me as I went outside the gym. Sinalubong ako agad nang malakas at malamig na hangin dahil sa lakas ng ulan. Wala akong dalang payong at ayaw kong matulad kay Quijano, kaya't pinili ko munang manatili panandalian sa gilid upang sumilong at magpatila.

It was cold out here. And I wasn't sure anymore if I liked it or if I was just used to it that it somehow made me numb.

"What are you doing here looking like a lost puppy? 'Kala ko 'di ka pupunta." Ni hindi ko na kinailangan pang lingunin kung sino ang nagsalita. Timbre pa lang nang mababa at buryong boses nito'y alam ko na kaagad kung sino.

Ngunit bagkus na sumagot ay nanatili akong tahimik at hinayaan na lamang na lamunin nang malakas na buhos ng ulan ang katahimikan sa pagitan namin. The sound coming from inside the gym was almost inaudible because of the pouring rain.

"Sucks, doesn't it? Death." Halos hindi ko narinig ang sinabi niya dahil sa hina ngunit klarong dumirekta ito sa akin. Na tila ba kahit hindi ko man gustong aminin ay kusa nang isinisigaw ito nang buong pagkatao ko.

Still not turning to give him a look, naaninag ko siyang pumamulsa. Sinundan ito nang isang mabigat na buntonghininga.

And right then, I wondered about that small voice at the back of my head telling me to not be a hypocrite—when all along, I am being one.

"Hindi ka ba babalik sa loob?" I was surprised at how weak my voice sounded when I finally spoke.

"How 'bout you?"

"I'm going home," simpleng turan ko.

Naaninag ko ang mabilis niyang paglingon. "Right now? You brat—umuulan!"

"At 'di ako bulag."

He scoffed. "Manhid lang?"

"Uwi na 'ko."

"What, you just got here."

"At aalis na rin ako agad. There's no use of me being here."

"Says who? I'm sure Toby wants you here. Kaya bakit ka aalis?"

"What's the point of being here if he's not? He won't know and definitely won't care if I leave because he's not even here. He's gone," mahinahon kong mutawi sabay lingon kong pabalik sa kaniya sa wakas. Tila lumulutang ang mga salitang binitiwan ko sa hangin, dahil hindi pa rin ito magawang iprosesong tuluyan ng utak ko.

A sarcastic smirk crept up on the side of his lips as he welcomed my nonchalant expression. He shrugged then said, "Right. Go on and take your leave. That's what you always do anyway. Turning a blind eye, walking away and caging yourself inside your own pathetic little world."

I was aching to say something but I just gritted my teeth with the sudden sinking feeling I'd been trying to supress.

"Just like how you're consistently good at making someone feel worse than they already did, huh?" bato kong pabalik sa kaniya kalaunan. Nanghihina ma'y nagawa ko pa ring suminghal sa pagkabigo. "For the record, I am leaving because I don't have any business to do here."

"Yeah, because you've never been a friend to him," aniya, ang ngisi ay nanatili ngunit ngayo'y may kaunting bahid na nang pait. "Not when he's alive and not even now that he's gone." With a choking voice he then uttered this under his breath, "But alright. Go on and go home. Do whatever helps you sleep at night."

I had enough with people telling me how I'm supposed to feel about all this. I'm really done!

Dala ang nakapanlulumong damdamin, walang salita kong iniwan si Leo roon para suungin ang malakas na ulan, pauwi—nang mag-isa.

Madilim. Malamig. At may parteng nawawala na hindi ko makita.

Bakit ganito kapait ang pakiramdam nang pamamaalam?