Sinuyod ko ng tingin ang buong greenhouse at wala akong nakitang parehong halaman.

Daffodils.

Lumipad ang palad ko sa nakaawang na mga labi nang ibalik ko ang tingin dito. Sa pangalawang pagkakataon ay muli akong natulala roon.

It was the same spot where I planted the seeds that Toby gave me a year ago. Malaki ang greenhouse ngunit sigurado akong doon ko 'yon itinanim. Hindi ako pwedeng magkamali.

"Lagi rito si Toby dati para lang diligan at bisitahin 'to. 'Kala mo pasyente niya. Tuwang-tuwa nga 'yon noon nung nagbulaklak na 'to. He said he's waiting for the school year to start to show it to someone."

Rebirth and new beginning—is what Daffodil symbolized. I'd read about that the day he asked me to plant those seeds.

"Kaya lang nauna na siya sa school year..."

Animong may hindi nakikitang pwersa ang bumangga sa akin. Sa lakas nito ay halos yumanig ang buo kong pagkatao. Hindi ako makahinga nang maayos. Para akong tinuklaw ng mga bagay na matagal nang nasa harap ko ngunit ngayon ko lang tuluyang nakita.

"I'll show you something too..."

Why do we have to keep waiting on each other?

"Rai?"

My heart felt heavy as the sudden overwhelming feeling enveloped me. The lump surfacing in my throat hurts and it made my breathing more laboured.

"Rai, okay ka lang?"

He was waiting for a right time too... katulad ko. But little did we know... that the right time wouldn't come for us. To be played by fate like this wasn't fun at all. Parang gusto kong magalit. Sumigaw. Magsisi. Manghinayang. Pero wala akong ibang nagawa kundi ang manghina. Para sa mga araw na hinayaan ko lamang na lumipas. Sa mga pagkakataong hindi ko ginamit. Sa maikling panahong ipinaubaya sa akin ng kapalaran.

I lost count of how many times I'd regretted it all. Pero ngayon ko lang tuluyang nararamdaman ang kabuuang bigat nito. Ngayon ko lang natanto ang lahat ng bagay na sinayang ko. Mga sandaling mababalikan ngunit hindi na magagawang ulitin. Mga damdaming isinawalang bahala at itinago. Mga taong minahal at pinahalagahan—na parehong mga tao ring naiwala ko.

"I-I'm sorry," halos hindi ko marinig ang sariling boses dahil sa panginginig pagkasabi nito. I was almost choking but despite of that, I tried to say it clearly just to make sure he could hear my words right. "Clint, sorry."

At ilang beses pa ba dapat na mangyari sa 'kin ang ganito? Ilang beses pa ba akong magbubulag-bulagan at magpapakaduwag?

"I'm sorry..." rinig ko ang pamimiyok ng sariling boses.

Siguro may mga bagay talagang kailangang paulit-ulit na ituturo sa atin ng buhay hanggang sa tuluyan nating matutunan iyon.

"Rai." Sa kabila nang panlalabo ng paningin ko'y naaninag ko pa rin ang gulat sa seryoso niyang ekspresyon. He was looking directly at me while I couldn't even stare back at him for a long time. "Sorry para saan? Ayos ka lang ba?"

Suminghap ako, sinusubukang ayusin ang paghinga. "I'm sorry... for being coward... and selfish."

"Rai..."

When you wake in the morning hush,

I am the swift, uplifting rush.

Of quiet birds in circling flight.

I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.

I am not there, I do not sleep.

Do not stand at my grave and cry.

I am not there, I did not die!

I heard Lorenzo's calm voice delivering this poem in my head, like that day when he said his condolences from my father's death. I could hear him loud and clear. Parang gusto ko ring maniwala na totoo ang spirit world kung iyon ang paraan para lang makita ko siya ulit at makausap. Isang beses pa. Kahit ilang saglit lang.

I didn't mind if it mean losing my sanity. Because I missed him so goddamn much I think I'm about to lose it.

"Alam mo, no'ng namatay ang lolo ko, sabi ni papa sa 'kin nags-stay pa raw ng forty days sa mundo ang kaluluwa ng mga tao pagkamatay nila..."

I shivered with the sudden cold air passing by.

Toby?

"Toby..."

Gamit ang nanginginig na mga binti ay humakbang akong palapit sa plant box. Ngunit nang isang hakbang na lang ang layo ko mula roon ay tila bumigay ang nanghihina kong mga tuhod. Kasabay nang pagkakabagsak ko ang sunod-sunod at tila nag-uunahang pagkawala ng mga luha ko.

"Rai!" Mabilis siyang nanuhod sa harap ko. "Anong nangyayari? Ayos ka lang ba? B-bakit ka umiiyak?"

With my palm still on my lips, I started sobbing in silence. Ang bawat malalakas na pagdagundong ng puso ko'y may halong kirot at 'di matapos na panghihinayang.

"Just like what my father and Mary Elizabeth are trying to say, kung may gusto kang sabihin sa papa mo na hindi mo nasabi, I'm sure he could still hear you. He's just around... wandering. It's never too late to say your goodbye."

Toby...

"It'll grow with a little help, trust me."

Why did you have to die like that?

"Toby, s-sorry."

Can you hear me? Narito ka pa, hindi ba?

"I'm sorry I couldn't save you.

"I'm sorry if I fail you.

"I'm sorry if I tried to abandon you... even after your death.

"I'm sorry if I didn't say goodbye.

"I'm sorry for being a no good friend.

"I'm sorry... Toby, I'm so sorry..."

Mapapatawad mo pa ba ako?

I know it was kinda late but considering I always felt things a little late than necessary, is it okay to say my final goodbye and let you go now?

"It's okay."

"You can do it."

Naramdaman ko ang ilang marahang tapik sa balikat. Sunod ang malalim na buntonghininga.

"Sorry... Toby..." paulit-ulit ko itong iniyak ngunit pakiramdam ko'y hindi iyon sumasapat. Dahil walang sapat na salitang pwede kong sabihin para lang maibalik siya at ang panahon.

"W-where are you?"

Losing someone hurt. And losing them in death was a totally different kind of hurt. But it wasn't about my feelings. It was never about me. How stupid and selfish of me to think only of myself? Ang pag-iisip na isinasalba ko ang sarili ko sa panibagong sakit ay katumbas nang panibago ring pagsisisi.

"Are you on a journey? 'Di ba sabi mo gusto mong maglibot? Are you on an adventure now? Bakit... bakit 'di ka nagsabi? Bakit hindi ka man lang nagpaalam na aalis ka? Bakit gano'n? Bakit biglaan?"

I lost both my favourite person and a friend who understood and didn't gave up on me when I thought of giving up with myself. They were gone but did I really lose them? Could we really lose something we truly cared for?

Dahil ang mga alaala nila pati nang mga bagay na natutunan ko sa kanila'y narito pa rin. Those parts of themselves they shared with me are all still here. Nakaukit ang mga ito sa puso ko at habang buhay itong mananatili. And even though their memories are still painful to remember right now, I'll try to believe that there would come a time when these carves they left will bring me warmth. Until then, I would try to bear the hurt and carry on. Day after day. 'Till this pain grew into something... like a golden daffodil.

"I thought we're going to The Story Keeper? Sa sale day 'di ba?

"I promised you, remember? 'Di ko pa natutupad...

"You airhead, I couldn't even get to call you with your first name!"

"Is it a bad thing though? To be with someone knowing that one day they won't be around anymore?"

It was bad enough to keep avoiding them even though I know deep inside that it isn't what I really want. And who am I kidding here? Prevention wasn't really necessary anymore—it's too late for that now because whether I admit it or not, this weird boy already grew on me. And avoiding them already pained me—I don't think there was any known cure for that.

So... screw it.

"Paano kung maubos ko ang allowance ko sa pagbili ng libro? Ang sabi mo... ang sabi mo...

"Bakit nauna ka na? Bakit hindi mo man lang ako hinayaang suklian lahat nang ginawa mo para sa 'kin?

"Ni hindi mo nahintay 'yung labas ng librong inaabangan mo... I bought it as a belated gift for you... kanino ko ngayon ibibigay 'yon?"

Just the thought of losing someone again is scary enough. And yes, I'm still so damn scared on how this would eventually turn out. But for once, I wanted to believe in something else aside from my doubts and my made up self-sufficient world. I wanted to hope... to try and get out from the chains that binds me. And I would probably fell and get hurt again but I promise... to not have another regret this time.

I was sobbing so hard then and couldn't even continue to speak. Pakiramdam ko'y kaya kong umiyak hanggang bukas at hindi pa rin ako matatapos. Tila taong naipong sama ng loob ang iniyak ko ro'n. At unti-unti, ramdam ko ang pagkakabitiw ng bigat sa puso ko na animong kay tagal na nitong bitbit.

Quijano kept on lightly tapping my shoulder all the while.

We sat there in silence for a long time until I heard him say this under his breath, "Kawawang bata. Sinong nang-bully sa 'yo? Hubaran ba natin ng short? O gusto mo sipain ko papunta sa imburnal?"

Narinig ko ang mahinang pagtawa niya bago inilipat ang palad patungo sa itaas ng ulo ko. Ilang beses niya iyong tinapik hanggang sa dahan-dahan akong mag-angat ng tingin sa kaniya.

Sa kabila nang panlalabo ng paningin dahil sa pag-iyak, nakita ko ang pamumungay ng mga mata niya. Tuon ang tingin sa akin, ang mga labi niya'y may bahid nang isang malungkot na ngiti.

"Si Toby ba? Siraulo talaga 'yon. Wala na nga rito pinaiiyak ka pa rin. Murahin mo na rin kaya para sulit ang luha?"

Nagtuon akong pabalik ng tingin sa kaniya at paulit-ulit na pinagsisisihan ang mga panahong sinayang ko sa pag-iwas sa kanila, para lang subukang tumakbo palayo. When all along I was running away from myself, I was running away from my feelings.

Mas lalo lamang tuloy akong napahikbi. Parang ang dami kong kasalanan at hindi ko alam kung maitatama ko pa ba. What an idiot I could be sometimes.

Quijano's nearing end was something I got to know of, like some kind of reminder that everyone ended up in the same track. That no matter how many different paths we chose to take in this life, we're all meant to go and head to the same path in the end. The thing is, you just have to accept that death is associated with everything. Running away wasn't really any use.

Sinapo ko ang pisngi at paulit-ulit na pinalis ang mga luha sa pag-aakalang titigil iyon. Ngunit sa bawat luhang hinahawi ko'y siya ring tulo nang panibago. Hindi iyon maubos-ubos na parang walang katapusan.

In my growing panic, I reached out my hand to him and unintentionally grab a hold of the hem of his shirt. The next thing I know, I was clutching it while looking at him.

Para akong batang inaway at nagsusumbong pagkasabing, "I can't make it stop!"

Natigilan siya sa bahagyang pagkakagulat ngunit mabilis ding nakabawi.

"Calm down... calm your breathing. Huminga ka nang malalim. Ganito, sabayan mo 'ko." He drew in a deep breath and slowly heaved it out while looking at me, kinakayag akong gayahin at sabayan siya. Paulit-ulit niya itong ginawa at sinubukan ko rin iyong gawin, sa kabila nang 'di maawat na pagkawala ng mga hikbi.

Tumigil lamang ako sa pagpunas ng luha nang maramdamang basang-basa na ang kamay ko. I was trying real hard to breathe properly and calmly like what he's telling me to but my tears won't cooperate.

Mas lalo akong naiyak dahil sa hindi ko magawang pagtigil sa pag-iyak. It was freaking ironic.

"Bakit ayaw pa ring tumigil?!" Nanibago ako pagkarinig sa nanginginig dahil sa paghikbing boses, halos hindi makapaniwalang sa aking boses iyon.

"Maybe you really need to curse at him to make it stop." Kahit bakas sa mukha niya ang namumuong taranta ay nagawa pa rin niyang magbiro at tumawa. "'Di ka naman siguro mumultuhin no'n. O baka gusto mo, edi ayos na rin?"

"Multo... w-wala namang multo! It's not true!" tutol ko sa kabila nang hagulgol at muling pagpunas ng luha, na para bang hindi ko hiniling na sana totoo 'yon kanina lang.

Chuckling under his breath, he said, "Tingin ka sa 'kin."

I did what I was told. He then gently pressed his wrist with the cuff of his button down uniform on my cheeks, wiping away my unending tears.

Sinisinok dahil sa pag-iyak, napatitig ako sa mukha niya habang ginagawa niya iyon. He was so close then that I couldn't help but notice his facial features. I could see how his pitch black chinky eyes were actually brown up close, with bags under it. I wonder what kept him awake at night.

Kahit natatakpan nang magulong buhok ay kita pa rin ang makapal niyang kilay. He had a pointed nose and a pale complexion. And looking at him this close, I realized that he didn't look as hideous as what I'd imagine him to be. He's weird but he didn't look that bad for someone with an awful reputation.

Isang nunal sa bandang kanan sa mismong gilid ng labi niya ang umagaw ng pansin ko. Sa liit nito ay hindi agad makikita pwera na lang kung tititigan nang malapitan. Napako ang mga mata ko roon.

I know it wasn't the right time to say or to think it but... It's cute.

"You're sorry for being coward and selfish? Because of what? For avoiding me? Let me tell you this," aniya sa namamaos na boses sabay baling ng tingin sa mga mata ko. "If it helps you feel better at the time then, no shit, it's completely fine. Rai, your feelings are valid no matter the circumstance—tandaan mo 'yon."

Nahigit ko ang hininga nang magkatitigan kami ulit. I realized that my crying stopped, dahil malinaw na siya ngayon sa paningin ko.

Ang hawak ko sa dulo ng polo niya'y humigpit, only realizing then that I was still holding onto it.

His expression softened again.

"I didn't even ask for help back in the field but you helped me anyway." Mahinay siyang ngumiti, hindi nagbibitiw ng tingin sa akin. "Hindi mo 'ko binigyan ng pagkakataong sabihin, pero salamat."

He's still thanking me after I avoided him?

"I just stopped crying!" protesta ko nang muling maramdaman ang init sa sulok ng mga mata.

"Problema ba 'yon? May kabilang cuff pa naman 'tong uniform ko." He grinned.

I smiled while trying to prevent my nose from running.

"Basain ko na rin para it's a tie?" He lifted it in front of me with a chuckle.

Hindi ko na rin napigilan ang mahinang tawang lumabas sa pagitan ng mga labi ko. The sound of it was foreign even to my own ears. Nababaliw na yata ako. Kanina'y hindi matigil sa pag-iyak, ngayon naman ay tumatawa. I don't know, my feelings are all over the place. And it felt like a long time since I feel unbelievably light, vulnerable and free as I do now.

"Ayos ka na?" he uttered softly.

I swallowed the threatening bile on my throat and nodded with a smile.

"Sure?"

Mabilis kong pinalis ang luhang kumawala at tumawa habang paulit-ulit na tumatango. "I'm okay."

Hindi siya nagsalita. Nagtagal pa ang tingin niya sa akin. My heart tightened.

The thing I hate about crying is that, when it starts, it's hard to stop. Na kahit kaunting kibot lang ay tuloy-tuloy na iyong tutulo, parang sariwang sugat na nagdurugo.

"I'll be okay."

"You'll be okay."

I cried over and over again. Hanggang sa sumakit na ang mga mata ko at hindi na halos makadilat ay saka lamang yata ako tuluyang natigil. Pakiramdam ko'y isang taon ang iniyak ko roon. Pagod na pagod ako matapos.

Inabot na kami ng dilim. Naibuhos ko na ang luha ko't lahat ay saka lamang ako nakaramdam ng hiya sa ginawa. Sa lahat ng tao, hindi ko inasahang sa kaniya ko pa iiiyak ang mga daing ko. But then again, he's weird—yet a warm-hearted person. Just like Toby.

Nasa bukana na ako ng greenhouse ngunit bago pa man ako tuluyang makalabas, nilingon ko sandali pabalik ang usbong ng bulaklak sa daffodils.

I feel like crying again but this time, I did it with my warmest smile.

"Thank you, Toby..."

I still kinda feel like you ditched me. But I think your memories won't be as haunting anymore.

"You're the lamest airhead I've ever met so don't you ever think I'll forget you."

Taking a deep breath, I brushed away the last of my tears.

"Goodbye, Lorenzo. See you on the other side."