We were walking on the hallway when he snapped his fingers all of a sudden. Lumingon siya sa akin. "The Story Keeper. This weekend. You in?"

I stopped on my tracks at that instant, almost not believing what I just heard.

"Are you kidding? May book sale ro'n ngayong weekend." I let my words hang for a while before continuing, trying real hard to control my excitement in my monotone. "Syempre naro'n ako."

Sapo niya ang batok nang unti-unting mapangiti hanggang sa tuluyang matawa. "Thought you'd say that. See you there, then?"

Hindi ko alam kung bakit nag-init ang pisngi ko dahil lamang sa simpleng pagtango. What the hell is wrong with me? I usually look forward to go there alone. But it was kind of a different story now knowing I would go there with someone... with Toby Lorenzo.

We hadn't agreed on a specific time to meet. That was why I got there on my usual visiting time. Hapon na at naisip kong baka wala na siya roon. At tama nga ako. Gayunpama'y hindi ko pa rin mapigilan ang maya't-mayang paglinga sa paligid. At lolokohin ko ang sarili ko kung sasabihin kong hindi ko siya hinahanap. But after a while of accepting he wouldn't be here or that he already went, I later on found myself immersed in browsing books.

"This one's interesting."

Natigil ako sa kasalukuyang pagbabasa ng blurb nang may humarang na libro sa paningin ko. And to my surprise, I saw Lorenzo standing from across the stand I was browsing at, arm outstretched holding the book to me.

"Hey." He grinned.

He was here. He came. Kadarating lang ba niya? Kanina pa?

Wearing a light grey sweater and black cargo shorts paired with his usual leather top sider shoes, he looked neat like usual. At alam kong hindi ito ang unang beses na nakita ko siya sa labas ng school... but the fact that we'd agreed to meet like this felt somewhat... strange.

"Akala ko pa naman maaabutan kita ritong 'di mapakali kaaantay sa pagdating ko. Guess I've gotten my hopes up for nothing." Sapo ang batok, mahina siyang tumawa.

"Sorry to disappoint, then," sabi ko bago tinanggap ang librong inaabot niya.

"Hindi mo talaga 'ko hinanap?" Kahit hindi ko siya tignan ay rinig ko ang panunudyo sa tono niya.

"Pumunta 'ko rito para sa mga libro. Bakit kita hahanapin?" Paulit-ulit kong binasa ang blurb ng librong inabot niya, ngunit tila lumulutang lamang ang mga salita sa hangin.

"Ouch, nakalimutan mo ba?"

How could I?—ang sana'y sasabihin ko kung hindi ko lang naabutan ang pagngisi niya habang nakatitig sa akin, na parang pinagkakatuwaan niya ako o ano.

"I ain't senile yet," tanging nasabi ko dahil sa init na namuo sa pisngi. Muli kong inabala ang sarili sa hawak na libro at pilit na binalewala ang mapang-asar niyang ngiti at tingin.

"So you did look for me!"

"How did you even know this place?" pag-iiba ko na lamang ng usapan.

He laughed triumphantly, almost smug.

Ang babaw ng kaligayahan.

"Remember my favourite elem teacher I told you about? He just happened to own this store."

Abala na siya sa pag-browse ng mga libro sa stand na nasa pagitan namin nang mag-angat ako ng tingin.

Really, now?

"I've been here before the dinosaurs, if you know what I mean." Bahagya siyang ngumiti habang nakatuon ang tingin sa likod nang hawak na libro. "I bet you didn't notice I was always here too."

Humigpit ang hawak ko sa mga librong hawak nang mag-angat siya ng tingin sa akin at magtama ang mga mata namin. Whether it was because of the afternoon light that reached the entrance of the underground stairs—that passed through the glass walls of the store or there was really a hint of unexplainable glimmer in his eyes.

Mas lalong umamo ang mukha niya nang ngumiti siya sa katahimikan ko. "You have no idea how oblivious you can be sometimes."

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin. "I just didn't want to associate myself with anyone. They won't be there forever... so why even bother?"

Ramdam ko ang pagkakatagal ng tingin niya sa akin. Bahagya rin siyang huminto sa pag-browse ng mga libro. "You can be mad as a mad dog at the way things went. You can swear and curse the fates. But when it comes to the end..."

Natigilan din ako nang naiwan pa sa ere ang mga salita niya. I turned to him.

"You have to let go," pagtatapos ko nang sinasabi niya nang hindi nagbibitiw ng tingin. Muntik pa akong matawa kahit wala namang nakakatawa. It just felt weird to talk about things like this with someone.

Both sides of his lips stretched to a smile as he pointed at me, as if we have this strange understanding. "Fitzgerald."

I think I smiled, only on the inside. "That line's in the movie though, not in the book."

He nodded. "Yeah, and the movie is so much better than the book. Tingin mo?"

"I thought so too. The movie adaptations usually sucks but that one's included on a few good ones."

"Dahil kay Brad Pitt 'no?"

Of course not. Pero, "Parang gano'n?"

Tumigil siyang muli sa pag-browse para lang tignan ako, blangko ang mukha. Pinigilan ko ang matawa kaya't imbes na tapunan siyang pabalik ng tingin ay inabala ko na lamang ang sarili sa pagtingin ng mga libro. A few moments of silence ensued between our browsing until he spoke again.

His voice was levelled and careful as he said, "Is it a bad thing though? To be with someone knowing that one day they won't be around anymore?"

"The end justify the means."

"Damn. Consequentialism, right? Why the hell should the end has to take all the credit?" He argued. "Isn't the journey makes more enough sense than how it ends? Think about it."

I shrugged. "Nihilists just don't care."

"So you tryna say you're a nihilist?"

"Hm. I prefer the word autarky more."

"Autarky? Self-sufficiency?" His brow slightly furrowed as he narrowed his eyes on me. "Possessing enough to not need aid or support from others? That... doesn't sound good, is it?"

"Why not?"

"John Donne wouldn't agree."

"Oh, now we're talking about poets?"

"Yeah. And as per him, no man is an island. We can't live in this world all by ourselves. We need to partake a place from—"

Dudugtungan pa sana niya iyon ngunit natigilan. Hanggang sa ang dapat na sasabihin ay nauwi na lamang sa mga pigil na tawa.

Nagtataka pa ako kung saan doon ang nakakatawa nang inginuso niya sa akin ang kung anong tinitignan niyang naroon sa likuran ko. Lumingon ako nang bahagya at sumulyap, para lang makita ang nawi-weird-uhang tingin sa amin ng isang customer. Pamilyar ito at mukhang mas bata sa amin ng ilang taon. Probably the same age as Allen.

Lumakas ang mahinang tawa ni Lorenzo nang mag-iwas sa amin ng tingin ang binatilyo, kahit pa panay pa rin ang pagsulyap nito sa amin. He might be weirded-out if not confused upon hearing our conversation.

"The poor kid look so lost," aniya nang magkatinginan kami.

"That's what he gets for eavesdropping from weird strangers," iling ko na lamang.

"Hey, was that a smile just now?" gulat niyang puna bigla.

Muli akong napailing.

"You smiled!" With eyes slightly widening open, animong nahihiwagan niya akong sinipat. "I don't think I've ever seen you smile before!"

Muntik pa akong napangiwi dahil sa bahagyang pagkaka-offend. Hindi ba ako ngumingiti? "Do I look dead to you or something?"

He stared amusedly at me for a while before breaking out into a fit of silent laughter. Ngunit mabilis niyang nasapo ang mga tawa, nang napansin ang tuluyan kong pagngiwi at pagtapon nang matalim na tingin sa kaniya.

"Airhead," I announced dryly. "Don't talk to me."

Tinalikuran ko siya at nagpanggap akong muling abala sa pag-browse ng mga libro.

"Oh, look at you trying to run away!"

"Running away from what? From an idiot like yourself? Yeah, gladly."

"Hindi ka naman kasi talaga palangiti! I can even count on my fingers how many times I saw you do it! Wait, no. I haven't seen you smile even once! Since we were kids!"

Now that's overdoing it.

"Oo na, Lorenzo. Tumahimik ka na lang, pwede? I'm trying to check out books here. Kung mangungulit ka lang, please just leave me alone."

"Ouch, how cold of you, Alvarez." Ngumisi siya.

Mula sa mabagal na paglakad ay kusang huminto ang mga paa ko pagkakita sa isang libro. Aktong kukunin ko na sana ito ngunit may nauna sa akin. Nilingon ko siya para lang makita ang seryoso niyang pag-obserba rito.

"Just when you finally agreed to hang out with me," bulong-bulong pa niya.

I was about to move on to the next stand when he suddenly spoke again. His voice sounded serious all of a sudden. "Why does it look so easy for you to run away from reality, from the world... and from yourself?"

"And where are these accusations coming from?" Halos mapasinghal pa ako sa nadamang pag-atake ng mga salita niyang hindi ko inasahan. "Was it because I was into books more than I should? Am I harming anyone because of that?"

Ibinalik niya ang librong hawak sa stand at saka ako nilingon. Ang pagkabanayad ng mga mata niya ay katumbas ng tinig pagkasabing, "I'm no psych. But I can tell this much: You are here. But I can feel you trying to detach yourself from the people around you, from the world, from everything, for an inevitable reason no one can possibly escape."

I was meant to say something but my lips refused to listen to what I was asking it to do. Nanuyo ang lalamunan ko at wala akong ibang nagawa kundi ang salubungin ang pagpako ng mga mata niya sa akin.

"I'm not blaming it to your hobby or to anything for that matter. If living inside these books are your source of dopamine then who am I to tell you that it's wrong? I just want you to not reject the world..."

His words sounded foreign to my ears. And there was something urging me to make a run for it. It was kinda scary—that feeling.

"I don't want you to remove yourself from the picture and thought it was okay because it wouldn't be... at least for me."

What is this? I want to stray away. I want nothing to do with this. I want out.

Napaatras ako nang wala sa sarili nang umakma siya nang paghakbang palapit. He froze instantly in his place upon seeing the expression on my face. Gaping at me for what felt like forever, an unsure, sheepish smile curved on his lips. Nagtuon siyang bigla ng tingin sa sahig.

"Damn it! What am I saying?" bulong niya sa sarili, kagat ang labi at sapo ang batok. Sunod ay maingat akong binalikan muli ng tingin, ang kaunting pangamba ay naglalaro sa mga mata. "I'm sorry. Did I scare you?"

The heat from my cheeks wasn't because of the fading rays of the sun passing through the glass walls, this I was sure of.

How stupid of me. I should've told him then how comforting it was to know that someone knew I was still here, to know that someone still wanted my participation in this world.

"Rai! Have you seen the movie adaptation of this book?!"

"Huh? What d'you mean? It's already been a decade since it was released."

"You gotta be kidding!"

He'd been always around. And I'd been oblivious all the while. Too preoccupied with the world I created for myself to have time and notice.

"Hey, you're here!"

I am. But why aren't you?

"Have you decided on what university you're applying to? Grabe, isang taon na lang tapos na tayo ng highschool! Can you believe it?"

I still couldn't believe that you were gone until now. Even now.

"I'm taking a creative writing workshop this coming summer vacation. Want to participate with me? I'm sure it'll be fun and interesting if we go together!"

If only I knew that that was going to be the very last summer you'll be here, then maybe I should've come.

Was it that hard to just say yes? To free myself from this tiny box I caged myself in?

"Haven't seen you all summer. What's keeping you busy?"

"Is your summer workshop done?" sabi ko imbes na sagutin ang tanong niya.

"Today's the last day. Maaga kaming natapos kaya ito." He end it with a shrug and a smile. "Saan pala regalo ko?"

"Huh?" Lito ko siyang sinipat. "Birthday mo ngayon?"

"Ouch." He clutched his chest as if he was hurt.

"I didn't know."

Umiiling siyang ngumisi. "Nah. It was over a week ago."

Mabagal akong napatango at ilang sandali pang napaisip kung anong pwede kong ibigay sa kaniya. Gusto ko rin sanang tanungin kung bakit siya napadpad malapit sa block namin ngunit hindi ko na ginawa. Hindi ako sigurado kung ayaw ko bang marinig ang isasagot niya o kung natatakot ba akong alam ko kung ano iyon. And I almost laughed at myself with how silly it was. Thinking that at that moment, I knew I lost.

He was right. I didn't want to have anything to do with anyone but him being here already break that resolve of mine. At ginawa niya iyon nang hindi ko man lang namamalayan.

For someone who'd sworn to keep a comfortable distance from everyone, admitting that a person grew on you was somewhat scary. That was why I thought buying some time wouldn't hurt much.

"Hey wait, uuwi ka na ba?"

Pagkalabas ng convenient store ay agad akong natigilan.

"Sumaglit lang ako para bumili. Bakit?"

Lumingon ako sa nilabasang pintuan para lang panoorin ang paghakbang niyang palapit sa akin. Ang isang palad niya'y lumipad patungo sa batok.

"I was just thinking if maybe... you want to go to The Story Keeper with me?"

"Ngayon na?"

He drew out a nervous laugh. "Not likely?"

I just spent all my remaining allowance yesterday. Going there right now would just be painful. Looking at the books and not being able to buy them was torture. I was no masochist.

"I don't think I can go with you..."

"Oh." An awkward laugh followed by a small smile.

Hindi ako sigurado ngunit may bahid nang pagkabigo at lungkot akong nakita sa ekspresyon niya. I felt bad about having to turn his offer down that I instinctively about to say yes but he was quick to cut me off.

"It's okay." His smile was a bit weary but this time, it was genuine.

Gumapang agad ang guilt sa akin. And the only consolation I found was this, "When the summer's over..." And when I probably have enough courage to tell you how grateful I am to have a friend like you... "We can go there, then. On sale day, that is."

He gaped at me for a while before breaking into snorts of laughter, his face lit up. "Alright! I'll make sure you won't spend all your allowance with books. Seeing you faint wasn't entertaining at all."

I was biting my lip with the reminder of that day. "For the record, Lorenzo, I didn't spend all my allowance for books it just happened that—oh, never mind! Bakit ba ako nagpapaliwanag?"

He burst into another laughter. Ang babaw talaga ng kaligayahan.

Umiiling niyang sinapo ng palad ang mga tawa nang sinimangutan ko.

Smiling now, he looked right at me. "That's a promise now. Don't forget it."

I thought it was kinda petty. To have something as trivial like that as a promise.

That was why I just shrugged it off. "Okay."

"I'll show you something too. See you at school, then?"

Tumango ako nang kusang mag-umpisa sa pagbilang ng mga araw bago ang pasukan ang isip ko.

The summer was almost over. And the coming school year was going to be our last year in senior high. I wonder what would happen. And if I was being honest, I was looking forward to see what's ahead of us.

I think I smiled before turning my back at him. Ang utak ko'y mabilis nang tumatakbo para sa mga salitang gusto kong sabihin sa kaniya pagdating nang tamang oras.

"Rai!"

Nakakailang hakbang na ako nang tumigil ako para lang lingunin siyang pabalik. Nanatili siyang nakatayo sa lugar na kinatatayuan niya kanina, mukhang walang balak na bawasan ang sampung metrong layo namin sa isa't-isa.

"Bakit, Lorenzo?"

Pumamulsa siya at nagbuntonghininga habang nakatingin diretso sa akin. Nakasimangot siya pagkasabing, "Why aren't calling me with my first name?"

I stiffened.

"It just doesn't seem fair to me." From all the smiles I'd seen him wear, that smile of his was the warmest—like the retiring sun hitting his frame on that May afternoon. "My friends call me Toby... so call me Toby... not Lorenzo, okay?" Bahagya pa siyang natawa. "Just Toby."

Just... Toby?

I could count the seconds where we just stood there and looked at each other awkwardly. And I felt stupid for thinking that the flush on my face mirrored his.

Hanggang sa isang iglap ay mabilis siyang nag-iwas ng tingin, tumalikod at tumakbong paalis. Tatawagin ko pa sana siya ngunit tanging pag-akma nang hakbang lang ang nagawa ko. He threw his right hand in the air as if to say goodbye. And I watched him like that until he was gone on my sight.

'My friends'.

I heard myself snort. That airhead was lame as usual.

I smiled to myself, foolishly thinking of possible scenarios of me calling him by his first name. I, telling him all the things I was grateful for since we became friends. Us, having a silly conversation about books and all the things only we understood.

At nang mga panahon na iyon naisip ko na sa wakas... sa wakas hindi ko na kailangang ikulong ang sarili ko sa pahina ng mga libro, para lang maramdamang may lugar ako sa mundo. Sa wakas may lakas ng loob na akong harapin ang reyalidad, kahit pa may mga tao roong hindi na magiging parte ng kinabukasan ko. Sa wakas, tingin ko kaya ko na ulit. Sa wakas...

But the world could be as cruel as a false hope. Because Toby Lorenzo died on that day. That same afternoon. Minutes after running off from the place I last saw him. Just like that. He was gone in just a snap.

"You met him by chance on the convenience store that afternoon, tama ba?"

Tanging tango lamang ang naging sagot ko sa mga tanong ng pulis kinabukasan, matapos umalingawngaw ang balita sa buong bayan. Sinabi nila ang buong pangyayari ng aksidente ngunit wala akong maintindihan ni isa sa mga iyon.

Nag-uusap lang kami nang hapong 'yon 'di ba? Naroon pa siya. Ang sabi niya magkikita pa kami sa school. Tutuparin ko pa 'yung pangako kong pupunta akami sa The Story Keeper sa araw nang sale no'n. Pagkatapos ng summer vacation, 'di ba? Sa pasukan? Huling taon na namin ng high school kaya imposibleng wala na siya... kasi hindi pa naman tapos 'di ba? May 'sa susunod' pa 'di ba?

Ni hindi ko pa nga siya natatawag sa first name niya. Hindi ko pa nasasabi sa kaniya kung paano niya ako isinalba sa maraming paraan. And that last conversation we had... seriously? How lame was that to be the last one?

It all just happened so suddenly. Ni hindi man lang sumagi sa isip ko na baka huli na... na baka wala nang susunod...

"Hanggang ngayon napapaisip pa rin ako... paulit-ulit na sumasagi sa isip ko... na kung sakali bang sumama ako sa kaniya nang inaya niya ako... magbabago ba ang nangyari na? Kung umoo ba ako hindi 'yon mangyayari sa kaniya?

"One word. If only I could go back and change what I said into that single word—siguro hindi siya maaaksidente... siguro hindi siya mamamatay... just a goddamn single word can save a life and change so many things." Narinig ko ang pagkakabasag ng sariling boses.

Si Quijano naman ay nanatiling tahimik, ang mga mata'y nakapako sa kawalan.

"God knows how much I wanted to resent Toby for it... how much I wanted to ignore the blame... to just get over it and move on with my life... but in the end, I just end up resenting myself for still being a coward even though that cowardice cost his life!"

The lump on my throat made it hard to speak but I continued anyway, not minding the pain.

"Sa dami ng beses niya akong tinulungan, ni isang beses hindi ko man lang siya nagawang suklian. Ni hindi ko nagawang umoo sa huling bagay na hiningi niya... sa huling bagay na maaring nagsalba sana sa buhay niya."

"I just want you to not reject the world... I don't want you to remove yourself from the picture and thought it was okay because it wouldn't be... at least for me."

And here I was trying to reject him being a part of my life. Because I thought rejecting it would lessen the pain. But who am I kidding here?

Toby Lorenzo is my friend. And I wouldn't let death taint my memories I have of him. I wouldn't let death get in the way to forget those good times we had. Not anymore.

"I don't know what's worse," aniya matapos ang ilang sandali nang katahimikan. "Letting him take the path to his death or watch how he dies in front of you."

A few moments of confusion embraced me until my eyes widened and flew to his direction. "Anong... ibig mong sabihin?"

Dahan-dahan siyang humakbang palapit sa entrance ng building. Ang buong akala ko'y mananatili lamang siya sa tapat nito, ngunit nagpatuloy siya sa paglakad hanggang sa makalabas na siya.

His back was on me as I watched him lift his head slowly, welcoming the heavy drops of the rain on his face.

What the hell are you doing?—was what I was about to ask him but realized that it wasn't exactly what I really wanted to know.

I was dreading the answer for a question I couldn't even ask when all of a sudden, he turned around to face me. Our gaze met. His chinky eyes were almost hooded not because of the rain but because of something else. I didn't know what mine looked like but I was sure it didn't look like how it always did.

He smiled bitterly. At sa kabila nang malakas na pagbuhos ng ulan ay sinabi niya ito sa bahagyang malakas na tinig, "I was there when it happened! Nakita mismo ng mga mata ko kung paano namatay si Toby... nandoon ako, Rai... pero wala akong nagawa kundi ang manood."

Umawang ang mga labi ko para suminghap ng hangin, dahil animong maging ako'y nalulunod sa magkakasunod na patak ng ulan. Pinanood ko ang paghugot niya ng hininga na para bang humuhugot siya nang lakas ng loob.

"Was it my fault? Was it yours? Siguro. But putting the blame on anyone won't make any difference nor will make things better. Because it won't bring him back. No amount of regret and pain can bring him back... there's not a thing... that can bring him back."