How could you make a certain feeling go away when it was too stubborn to be rid of?

"Here."

Pagkamulat ng mga mata ay agad tumambad sa harap ko ang isang nakabalot na sandwich.

"You need to eat something," aniya habang pinapanood ang mabagal kong pag-upo mula sa pagkakahiga.

"What are you doing here, Lorenzo?"

Nang hindi ko tinanggap ang inaalok niya ay binuksan niya ang balot nito at binalewala ang tanong ko.

"Inubos mo na naman ba ang allowance mo sa pagbili ng mga libro?"

"Ano? Hindi ko—"

He was sighing and shaking his head in disappointment as he cut me off. "Ganyan din ako noon kaya naiintindihan kita."

"What are you trying to say?" tanong ko sa kalituhan.

He looked at me with a sympathizing expression then. "I used to skip lunch too every time I overspent my allowance with hoarding books. It's all fun and games until my stomach refuse to cooperate. Ulcer isn't a joke, I'm telling you."

Muli niyang iniabot ang sandwich sa akin, ngayon ay bukas na. Sinulyapan ko lamang ito sa kamay niya at hindi tinanggap.

"Hindi ako gutom—"

"No one's asking," simpleng putol niya sa akin. "Technically speaking, this sandwich right here is a need and not a want, Alvarez. Binibigay ko 'to sa 'yo hindi dahil gusto mo kundi dahil kailangan 'to ng sistema mo ngayon."

I scoffed weakly. "You always have something to say huh." Tinanggap ko ang nakabukas nang sandwich nang matantong kahit ano namang sabihin ko sa isang ito'y tiyak at may isasagot siya. He was a living search engine.

Naaninag ko ang pag-upo niya sa katabing kama ng sa akin nang nagsimula akong kumagat sa sandwich. All the while, I could feel his eyes on me as I do so.

"That's egg mayo sandwich, one of my favourite," maligayang anunsyo niya.

Nagpatuloy lamang ako sa pagkain at hindi nagkumento. And as much as I wanted to ask again why he was here, I didn't have the energy to do small talks yet.

"Anyway, did you know that the SC gathering was held this afternoon near the oval?"

Natigilan ako sandali sa pagkain at halos masamid pa nang lingunin ko siya. Wait up, did he... see me...

With crossed arms, I saw him half smiling and the way he looked at me was almost mocking that I couldn't believe my eyes. "Enlighten me, did you faint because you skip lunch o dahil hindi ka talaga para sa pagtakbo? Or was the skipping lunch an additional factor—"

"If so, then what of it?"

Natigilan siya sa pagsasalita at sandali pa munang napatingin sa akin. He chuckled and with an amused expression he mused, "That single lap did it?"

I fought the urge to groan. So he really saw me faint. Why the hell did he have to see that? Ugh. I ain't skipping lunch again!

Nasa kalagitnaan nang katatawanan at hindi paniniwala niya itong sunod na sinabi, "You must be kidding. Come on! Let's say you can't really run but seriously, one lap? Get real, Alvarez! I'm not buying it. Maniniwala pa ako kung pineke mo lang 'yon dahil ayaw na ayaw mo ng physical ed!"

Naibaba ko nang tuluyan ang hawak na sandwich at saka siya maiging tinapunan ng tingin. "Lorenzo, if you're here just to diss me about it then please get the hell out." 'Wag ka nang marami pang sinasabing spekulasyon.

Namilog ang mga mata at bibig niya para sa kunyaring pagkakagulat. Ngunit ang pagpipigil ng tawa ay kitang-kita ko sa mukha niya. "Grabe namang presumption 'yan, Alvarez. Nagtatanong lang ako. Don't take it too personally! Isa pa, you won't be judged if it turns out to be the truth, I swear." He ends it with a nod of assurance.

Bahagya kong ipinilig patagilid ang ulo, minaniobra ko ang hawak na sandwich at saka ito sinabi gamit ang normal kong ekspresyon, "Ah. You said this one's your favourite?"

His smile changed from a humorous to an enthusiastic one as he attentively nodded in agreement. "What do you think? How was it?"

I could hear the contempt in my monotone as I said this, "It taste like crap."

The look of unadulterated hurt on his expression almost made me laugh, only on the inside.

"Just saying. Don't take it too personally."

Mula sa nasasaktan pa ring ekspresyon ay unti-unting sumilay ang ngiti sa mga labi niya. Na mabilis nasundan nang mahinang halakhak.

Kumagat ako sa hawak na sandwich at habang balewalang ngumunguya ay nilingon ko siya. His arms were then propped on his legs. Ang magkasalikop niyang mga palad ay naroon sa harap niya, ang mga mata nama'y nanatiling nakatingin sa akin.

There was a foreign expression on his face I couldn't name as he said this, "Always have her own way for a comeback. That's Rai for you."

"Rai?"

"Raiii! Huy!"

Para akong nagising mula sa isang panaginip nang malingunan ko ang weirdong si Quijano sa tabi ko.

"Where are we again?" tanong ko sa nagdaang hangin, tila wala sa sarili.

"Huh? Nabagok ba ang ulo mo?" He gasped violently all of a sudden. "Kilala mo ba ako? Natatandaan mo ba kung sino ako? N-naaalala mo pa naman 'yung mukhang 'to 'di ba?"

Kumurap lamang ako sa kalituhan nang unti-unting mapalitan nang takot ang ekspresyon niya habang tumatayo. Naroon na siya nakatayo sa harap ko nang umakma siyang hahawakan ang ulo ko, para sana suriin ngunit nanatili lamang sa ere ang mga kamay niya. I saw the panic slowly building in him as I kept my silence with a confused expression. Nagulat na lamang ako nang ibinagsak niya ang mga palad sa magkabilang braso ko.

"Look at me... hindi mo na ba ako naaalala? Rai, ako 'to... si Clint... 'yung bestfriend mo? Hindi mo na ba natatandaan 'yung pag-akyat natin dati sa mga puno para lang kumuha ng seresa? 'Yung paghahabulan natin sa gubat?"

Bahagyang kumunot ang noo ko sa mga pinagsasabi niya at sa matinding paniniwalang nabagok nga ako at nakalimot. What an idiot.

"Nung naglutu-lutuan tayo tapos muntik na tayong makasunog ng bahay? 'Di mo na ba natatandaan 'yung mga panahong—"

"Quijano—"

"—hinahabol tayo ng mga aso tapos nagkakandarapa tayo sa pagtakbo—"

"Just get the gauze and—"

"—pinanganak ka pa man ding dapain kaya—"

"Quijano!"

"Ayun, the rest is history. And history tends to repeat itself kaya narito tayo ngayon sa infirmary." Tinapos niya ang sinasabi nang isang makahulugang tango habang may pilyong ngisi sa labi.

Halos mapangiwi ako sa iritasyon nang sandali kaming magkatinginan doon at matanto ko ang mga pinagsasabi niya.

Tinawag ba niya akong dapain? I don't even remember him being here until seventh grade!

Pabalya kong winaglit ang kamay niya sa magkabila kong braso. "Quit blabbing and just get the—"

"Yes, boss! Ito na, boss!" Patawa-tawa niyang inabala ang sarili sa pagkuha ng kit matapos.

Sakto namang dumating ang nurse at ito na mismo ang umasikaso sa akin. Only that all the while they were talking, I found myself preoccupied with my own thoughts again. Spiralling endless thoughts. Which ultimately always boiled down to a certain feeling. A feeling so stubborn that refuses to go away.

Isang lingon sa katapat na kama nang inuupuan ko at may kung anong kumurot sa damdamin ko, nang hindi ko makita ang bagay na inaasahan kong dapat ay naroon. Taong dating naroon.

Those pair of lenient eyes. The way his smile brushed everything aside. The contagious sound of his genuine laugh. How he could make a complex thing simple. How his way with words made me more interested to read him more than any books I'd read.

But where... where is he? Why... isn't he here?

He used to be like this obnoxious unwanted thought barging in just about anywhere. So how come he wasn't coming anymore? Paanong bigla na lang siyang mawawala? I knew he'd been gone for weeks but why did I have this feeling that he was just still around?

Na tulad ng dati, bigla-bigla na lang siyang susulpot mula sa kung saan? Na makakasalubong ko siya sa hallway... na maririnig ko ang mga tawa niya... na makikita ko ang balewala niyang pagngiti... katulad ng dati... I thought there was a next time that's why I'd been waiting for the summer to end just so I could tell him... that...

"Matindi talaga ang hinala kong nabagok siya. Tignan mo, tulala na naman."

"Tawagin na ba natin si doc?"

Habang kuyom ang mga kamao ay pumikit ako nang mariin. There was an overwhelming feeling inside me aside from an undying remorse. It was anger and resent. All raging inside of me like a storm.

And maybe Quijano was right after all. Maybe... I'd been resenting him all along.

"Uy, Rai! Sa'n ka pupunta?"

Wala sa sarili kong tinalikuran si Quijano pati na ang nurse nang lumabas ako sa infirmary. I didn't know where I was headed but I need to keep going... katulad nang sinasabi nila. Katulad nang mga nababasa ko sa mga libro. Katulad nang patuloy na pagsiklo araw-araw ng mundo sa kabila ng mga bagay na nagbabago at nawawala. The world wouldn't stop from spinning just because you're in misery. Because time waits for no one.

"Rai? Okay ka lang?"

Palabas na sana ako ng building nang matigilan ako pagkakita sa malakas na pagbuhos ng ulan. In front of me was the empty school premise. The benches and the pavements are all deserted and being soaked by the cold rain. I looked at it and wondered how everyone eventually leave and all the while I was like that unmoving pavement, always being left behind. Abandoned with nothing but regret as companion. It was all too melancholic to think and to feel and the heavy pour of the rain wasn't in the least bit of a help.

"Kung ako sa 'yo ipa-check-up mo na 'yan. Malala na."

Sa pangalawang pagkakataon ay animong nagising ako sa isang panaginip pagkarinig sa boses niya. Pagkalingon ay nakita ko ang nakatayong si Quijano 'di kalayuan mula sa akin. Ang magkasalikop niyang mga palad ay tamad na nakapatong sa itaas ng ulo habang nakatanaw sa pagbuhos ng ulan sa harap namin.

"I did not hit my head. I'm completely fine," paglilinaw ko para lang lubayan na niya ako.

Why couldn't he just leave me alone? He hadn't spoken about Lorenzo for the last days so if he was no longer interested with matters about him, then why does he still sticks around?

"I just want to be left alone," wala sa sarili kong bulong. Sabay ulit, "I'm fine."

It was all his fault. I never knew I had this feeling until he made me acknowledge them. And I hate him for it. I hate how he saw through me and how I kept acting like a hypocrite even after knowing he might be right.

"You look fine, sure. But only on the outside." Sabay lingon sa akin, a sly smile etched on his lips.

For a long while, only the sound of the pouring rain filled the silence between us.

Nagbitiw siya ng tingin sa akin para lang muling tumanaw sa kawalan. His hands were then tucked inside his pockets as he muttered this, "Do you think you can forgive him for not being here anymore?"

Tila nasurpresa akong inatake nang gulat sa muli niyang pagbanggit nito. I thought he got over it for some reason. Turned out he was just waiting for a right time or maybe he was just waiting for me to open up.

I didn't want to talk about this but wounds can't be treated unless we acknowledge that it was there and it hurts. There was just no way around it. But then, "Can it change anything?"

Naaninag ko ang bahagyang pagtango niya. "It won't. But it could help. Probably."

"You don't know that."

"None of us do. Pero ano pa ba ang magagawa natin?" He shrugged idly. "As cliché as it might sound, everything in this world, including us are all but temporary. And as much as Toby didn't want to go like that, surely as hell, he didn't want to be resented upon... don't you think so?"

"It just doesn't make any sense to me why he had to leave this soon..." ang boses ko'y kinain nang tunog mula sa marahas na pagbuhos ng ulan. Katulad nang paglubog ng damdamin ko sa malamig at malalim na kawalan.

"Just Toby."

I shuddered at the last words he said that day, the last time I ever saw him alive without knowing that everything about it was also the last—last time seeing him smile, last time talking to him, last time hearing him laugh, last time being with him and last time remembering him as someone I know.

Thinking we always have tomorrow. Always doubting. Always afraid. Always thinking too much. Until everything eventually turned out meaningless at the end. Because I couldn't see what everything was about, now that he wasn't here anymore. Nothing seemed to matter and I couldn't take heart to find what does.

Sinalubong ako nang malakas na ihip ng hangin nang humakbang pa akong palapit patungo sa labasan ng building. Mabagal akong nag-angat ng kamay at dinama ang pagpatak ng ulan sa palad ko. Ang lamig mula ro'n ay nanuot sa sikmura hanggang sa buo kong sistema.

Suminghap ako at dahan-dahang ipinikit ang mga mata, iniisip kung bakit kailangang palagi na lang ganito magtapos ang mga bagay sa buhay ko.