Agaw pansin ang ilang litrato niyang nakapaskil sa iba't ibang sulok ng school. Black and white man ang pagkaka-print sa mga iyon ay hindi pa rin maipagkakaila ang tamis ng ngiti niya. And as much as I wanted to smile back from it, I couldn't.

It was Lorenzo. The boy whom everyone was fond of.

I quit staring when something awful got into me. Nagpatuloy ako sa paglakad patungo sa dapat puntahan para sa enrolment, not minding how everyone talked about him. About what happened, why it's got to be this way? Marami na akong narinig na haka-haka, some were close to the truth, others were nothing but pure assumptions from random people who had no idea how the actual incident ensued.

Not that I care, pero bakit nga ba nagiging interesado lang ang mga tao sa isang bagay kung alam nilang hindi na iyon maibabalik? To wonder about it is completely futile. Kaya bakit pa magkakaroon ng pakialam?

Napahinto ako sa paglalakad nang may bumulaga sa harap ko para lang iabot sa akin ang piraso ng isang papel. Tinanggap ko iyon sa pag-aakalang balita iyon tungkol sa school at may mapapala ako. Ngunit pagkasulyap ko sa laman noo'y bahagya akong nadismaya.

'A recognition to a life well-lived'—it said. Sa baba niyon ay isa na namang larawan niya, a candid shot from a random school activity.

Hindi ko na binasa ang iba pang detalye sa ibaba. Itinupi ko ang papel at isiniksik sa bulsa nang suot kong maliit na satchel bag. Muli akong nagpatuloy sa paglakad.

Toby Lorenzo wasn't actually my friend. Magkakilala lang kami sa pangalan at iyon lamang 'yon. I only remembered having small talks with him and nothing much. But every time I thought of him, all I could recall was that innocent smiling face of his. Kailanma'y hindi ko siya nakitang malungkot o galit. The guy was literally all smiles... which made me wonder if that was what it looked like for some people who had a life well-lived.

Isang linggo na ang lumipas matapos mabalita ang kinasangkutang aksidente ni Lorenzo—aksidenteng tumapos ng buhay niya. It happened outside of school premises and instantly became the talk of the town because of his reputation. Dalawang magkasunod na taon siyang naluklok bilang Student Council president, noong grade ten at grade eleven—last year lang. He could easily win the election this year kung tumakbo siya ulit. But he didn't. I almost wondered why...

Did he know something like this would happen?

I immediately shook the thought off my head with a wince. The hell.

Nagpatuloy na lamang ako sa paglakad at agad tinapos ang proseso ng enrolment para makauwi na. Pagkalabas ko ng registrar ay agad akong sinalubong nang malamig at may kalakasang ihip ng hangin. Tumingala ako para lang mapatiim bagang nang makita ang pagdilim ng langit.

The last week of May had been gloomy because of the cloudy weather. Someone's gotta be kidding, right? May was supposed to be one of the hottest month of the year along with April. Ni wala ngang low pressure o bagyo. It was as if the clouds were also mourning the death of Lorenzo. Talk about cliché.

I was about to scram when I heard Jackie's jovial voice calling out to me. "Raiii!"

Agad akong natigilan. I face-palmed mentally before turning to her. She jogged towards me, there was an urgent look on her face I didn't understand.

"Uy bakit hindi ka um-attend ng vigil kaninang umaga?!" she spat.

Bahagyang tumaas ang isang kilay ko sa bungad niya. "It's not mandatory."

The vigil she's talking about was for Toby Lorenzo's wake. The last one.

Ngumuso siya na parang batang nagtatampo dahil binalian ng pangako. While I just kept staring blankly at her. Kalauna'y bumagsak ang mga balikat niya't naging malungkot ang ekspresyon.

"At least tell me you're going to the program tonight."

Uh, why?

I shot her an impassive look. Nang mapagtantong wala akong balak sumagot ay bumuntonghininga siya at nagpatuloy.

"You know... last day na kasi ng burol ni Toby ngayon and after this we won't be..." She shrugged and managed to put on a weary smile. "Let's go together so we can say our final goodbye to him."

I gritted my teeth. Final goodbye...

Ibinalandra niya kalebel ng mukha ang piraso ng papel na katulad nang iniabot ng kung sino sa akin kanina lang.

"After mailibing si Toby mamaya, didiretso halos lahat ng batch mates' natin dit—"

"Not interested," I cut her off. I didn't want to have anything to do with it, kung hindi pa iyon malinaw sa kaniya.

She gaped at me, the smile on her face was completely gone. And that was my cue. Tinalikuran ko siya roon. She called after me but I ignored her.

"You hate him this much?"

That stopped me. For a moment I was taken aback by the sudden dejection that kicked in my gut because of her false accusation.

"Rai, he's gone. And this is all we can do to honour his life! But you're telling me that you can't do this one last thing for him? Can you tell me why you hate him so much?"

Me? Hates Toby Lorenzo? Okay, first of all, the guy was not my friend. And his life nor his death has definitely got nothing to do with me. Joke's on you Jackie!—Gusto ko sanang sabihin. But instead, I turned back to her and said, "I don't hate him, Jackie. I'm just trying to not be a hypocrite to care for someone after they're gone more than I did when they were still alive."

That shut her up. Gusto ko sanang makonsensya nang makita kong nanggigilid na ang luha sa mga mata niya pero naisip ko—wala naman akong sinabing mali. At kung tinamaan siya ng katotohanan sa sinabi ko'y hindi ko na iyon kasalanan.

I sighed. "You won't be reckoned as one if you come. Just don't mind me," was my reluctant attempt for redeeming myself for God knows what.

Mabilis niyang pinalis ang tumulong luha. She smiled sadly at me with a hint of pity, then said, "It won't kill you to care a little, you know. I know Toby and you used to be friends. Pero kung iyan ang paraan mo para magluksa then suit yourself. Just know that I'm always here to listen when you're ready."

Ready for what?

My indifferent expression was my default. So on which part of my face could she tell that I was mourning?

Ipinagkibit-balikat ko ang kalituhan sa sinabi niya at tuluyan na lamang umalis.

I was then walking on the trail shortcut on my way home when all of a sudden, I caught sight of someone standing from the concrete bridge. Noong una'y hindi ko ito pinagtuonan nang pansin. Ngunit nang malalagpasan ko na sana ang tulay at muli akong napasulyap dito'y laking gulat ko sa nakita.

The same guy was then standing at the concrete railings of the bridge and staring down at the river below. I immediately scanned the premise of the bridge in an attempt to call the nearest help from him. Ngunit wala akong taong nakita roon bukod sa kaniya dahil matagal nang sarado at hindi dinaraanan ang tulay. Wala rin akong taong nakikita malapit sa trail na dinaraanan ko kundi nagtataasang damo at ilang puno.

"Shit," I mumbled to myself. And without further ado, I ran towards the bridge as fast as I could, taking aside almost stumbling on the way. But before I could even set foot on it, the guy jumped. I was too late.

The sound of the water splashing froze my tracks. "Oh my, God," wala sa sariling naibulong ko sa hangin.

Nasapo ko ang labi sa gulat dahil sa nasaksihan. What the hell? Did I just witness someone's suicide?

I hesitantly hurried at the railings and immediately looked down with horror, impatiently waiting for the guy to float back to the surface. Nang ilang hindi mapalagay na sandali ang lumipas at hindi pa rin ito umaahon ay nataranta na ako.

Shit! I should call help!

Dali-dali kong hinugot ang phone mula sa bag. And just when I was about to dial the emergency hotline, I heard violent gasps from the river. I hunched down over the railings again just to find the guy flapping both his hands to stay on the surface. And despite the shortness of breath, the guy still managed to laugh maniacally, his laughter echoing in the silence of the trees. Hindi ko alam para saan iyon. Kung dahil ba sa exhilaration nang ginawa niya o kung nasisiraan na siya ng bait. On hindsight though, who's sane person would jump out of almost fifty metres bridge high just for fun?

"Fire in the freaking hole!" anunsyo pa nito bago naghihiyaw sa tuwa.

"What the hell?" was all I could say.

Kumunot ang noo ko nang ilang sandaling nagtagal ang tingin ko sa lalaki at mamukhaan ito. It was Quijano. The weird boy. He'd been my classmate once in junior high, seventh grade.

At that moment, everything made complete sense.

I mentally face-palmed while staring blankly at the sight of his madness. At this point, I already lost all faith in humanity.

Just when I was about to turn my back on the absurdity of the incident came his voice calling out.

"Ooooy! Nakita mo 'yon?!"

Obviously—and how I wish I didn't.

"That feels fucking—legendary!" he screamed at the top of his lungs followed by fervent shriek of laughter.

"Wacko." I grimaced and turned around to walk away. Binalewala ko ang mga pahabol pa nitong sigaw.

I tried to sigh away the adrenaline rush I felt a while ago. Kalmado na akong muli at walang pakialam nang malampasan ko ang tulay. Ang buong akala ko'y tahimik na ang buhay ko, nang biglang may baliw na walang pasubaling bumulaga sa daraanan ko.

"Wotah no jutsu! Times two!"

"Son of a—" Napatalon ako sa gulat kasabay nang walang habas na pagtalsik sa akin nang maliliit na butil ng tubig galing sa baliw. Napapikit ako agad nang dali-daling mapalitan ng iritasyon ang gulat, pagkadampi ng mga talsik niyon maging sa mukha ko.

I wasn't usually jumpy but because of the adrenaline rush he caused me a while ago, heto ako't nagugulantang sa pinakamaliit na bagay.

Mabagal kong iminulat ang mga mata ko nang unti-unting humupa ang mga talsik. Naabutan ko agad ang parang asong pagpasag ni Quijano ng tubig mula sa buhok, braso at mga binti niya. At talagang sinasadya niyang sa akin idirekta ang mga talsik niyon. Tuwang-tuwa pa ang baliw sa kabulastugang ginagawa.

"May nakakatawa ba bukod sa mukha mo?" I could hear the indignation dripping in my monotone.

Iritable kong pinalis ng palad ang ilang talsik ng tubig sa mukha habang pinanonood siyang tumawa at patuloy sa pagpasag. Suot ang tumutulong itim na shirt at chino shorts, basang-basa siya mula ulo hanggang sa pares nang pulang high cut at parang wala sa sarili. Pero sino nga bang nasa tamang pag-iisip ang gagawa ng mga ginagawa niya?

Oh, whatever. I guess this was his norm.

Isang huling matalim na tingin at umakma na akong lalagpasan siya, ngunit hindi ko naituloy ang pag-alis.

"The sadness will last forever."

"Ano?" Did he say something?

Nag-angat siya ng tingin mula sa pagpagpag ng sarili at bahagyang namilog ang mga mata, na animo'y noon lamang niya ako nakita o namukhaan o ewan ko sa isang 'to.

"Oh! Here's someone who looks like Van Gogh's last words." Napintahan nang pilyong ngisi ang ekspresyon niya matapos pasadahan ng tingin ang paligid. "Naliligaw ka 'no? Punta ka sa program? Do'n sa kabila ang daan papuntang covered gym!" Ilang iling. "Tsk, tsk, tara, sabay ka na sa 'kin!"

"I know my way home, thanks," mabilis kong pagtatama.

Gusto ko pa sanang magkumento kung anong plano niya sa tumutulo niyang damit, kung pupunta siya roon ngunit hindi ko na lang ginawa. What do I care anyway? Tutal at lagi naman siyang mukhang wala sa sarili. With his hair in a mess and mind in a faraway land, which is all the time—parang siya lang din—random at magulo.

"Huh?! Home? 'Di ka pupunta? Bakit? Oh come on, you want another wotah jutsu? I'll give you anadah if you won't come!" He made a weird pose with his hands that made me wince.

Seriously. What's with these people and their hypocrisy?—I refused to be a part of it so why couldn't they just leave me be?

"Tagal pinag-isipan, o? Tamo, 'pag 'di ka sumama multuhin ka no'n! Halika na!"

"Hindi ako pupun—"

"Heto na!" Biglang nagbago at lumakas ang boses niya kaya natigilan ako. "Heto naa!" at mas lumakas pa. "Heto naaa!" Mula sa paghi-head bang ay bigla siyang nagtatatalon. "Aaaaah!"

I almost stumbled back on my own feet out of surprise from his sudden energetic outburst. I couldn't decide if this is idiocy, weirdness or just complete madness. Siguro'y lahat?!

"Quijano, you crazy bas—" I sighed in frustration with eyes tightly shut, trying to remember what calm was.

Why the heck was I even talking to this wacko?

Huminto siya sa paggalaw. Habang bahagyang nakaangat ang kaliwang kamay sa ere na animong may hawak, kumalabit siya sa hangin gamit naman ang kabila—nakapikit at dinadama kuno ang non-existent na tunog ng gitara. Nagsimula siyang kumanta sa kalmadong tinig matapos.

Oh my, God.

"Must be hard living alone in your own world," walang emosyong kumento ko kalaunan. Sa iritasyon mula sa gulat at pagkakatulig kanina ay muli ko siyang nilagpasan, desidido nang hayaan siyang mabaliw mag-isa.

If anything, he was seriously freaking me out. I didn't know what more he was capable of doing but just to be on the safe side, I better get the hell out of here.

Tumigil siya sa pagkanta. He snorted then. "Oh, you have no idea!"

Iritable akong natigil sa paghakbang nang patalon siyang bumulaga muli sa daraanan ko.

The idiot was smiling impishly like he's thinking I'm a joke or something. "How is it going for you though, Alvarez? Tired hiding inside your own world yet? Labas ka na oy mabubulok ka riyan!"

I wasn't fond of many people but I don't particularly hate any of them more than I did today.

"If that is your subtle attempt of offending me, Quijano, then let me tell you it's futile. And no, don't try to guilt trip me because I don't have anything to be guilty about not attending that stupid program or whatsoever," I shot back indifferently, hindi ko na napigilan.

Nagtaas siya ng magkabilang palad sa ere, ang mga mata'y namimilog pati nang bibig sa parehong gulat at pagkakatanto. "Ooh. Okaaay! I get it now!" He was nodding, eyes were flashing with amusement. "You hate Toby Lorenzo."

Halos mapaatras pa ako nang bigla siyang humakbang palapit sa akin, na animong nakuha ko ang buong interes niya dahil doon.

He was then chuckling under his breath while eyeing me with curiosity and confusion playing in his pitch black chinky eyes. "You know that there's not a single soul in this town who's not fond of him, right? So how come you're here putting him on your hate list? Where's the grudge coming from?"

Tuluyan na akong napaatras nang muli na naman siyang humakbang paabante sa akin. I wasn't sure what's scarier anymore. His normal craziness or his strange interest.

But then again, saan nila nakukuha ang ideya na may hinanakit o galit o kung ano pa man ako kay Lorenzo? What's wrong with these people? Sa ayaw ko ngang magpakaipokrito! Ano bang pakialam nila? Is it that hard to comprehend?

I scoffed scornfully, trying to stand still and not make another step back. "What nonsense are you on about? No one's resenting anyone."

Pasinghal ang sunod niyang tawa at sa wakas ay tinantanan na niya ang paghakbang pa palapit.

"So you hate him... but you don't want others to find out..." he said slowly while cocking his head to the side, not breaking eye contact.

Ramdam ko ang mabilis na pagpintig ng puso ko dahil sa iritasyon. And as much as I wanted to state and defend my side, I didn't. Bagkus ay kinuyom ko na lamang ang mga kamao at hinayaan siya, iniisip na kalaunan ay titigilan din niya ako kung hindi ko kukumpirmahin ang mga akusasyon niya.

"Given his reputation, that's reasonable." Walang tinag ang kuryoso niyang mga mata nang manatiling nakamasid sa akin. Mukha rin siyang natatawa na hindi na hindi ko maipaliwanag. I don't know. Maybe it had something to do with the way he stared at me, like he was uncovering my façade and scrutinizing every part of me. "Toby Lorenzo, the perfect boy loved by everyone, now being resented by someone after his death... is it just me or that sounds strangely interesting?"

Lihim akong napatiim-bagang sa nadamang panlalamig ng sikmurang hindi ko alam kung para saan. "I said I don't resent him."

A sly smile crept on the side of his lips like he finally heard the words he'd been wanting to hear. "Prove it, then."

Kumunot na ang noo ko. "Excuse me?"

"Heto na! Heto naa! Heto naaa! Aaaaaah!" Imbes na sagutin ako'y pinasag niya kung saan-saang banda ang mga braso at parang may saping sumayaw habang naghi-head bang. Ang basa at may kahabaan niyang buhok ay sumasabay sa bawat hampas ng ulo.

I grimaced, noticing how fast the mood changes. I'm really outta here. The guy's mad, alright. And if he thought he could outwit me to go to that program with him—he thought wrong.

Walang pakialam ko siyang tinalikuran at nag-umpisa na muling maglakad pauwi. I ain't signing up for this.

"Hoy! Ang tumakas magkakabuhok sa pwet!"

Nahinto ako sa paglakad hindi dahil sa mga asar niya, kundi dahil sa pasimpleng pagharang niya sa bawat daraanan ko—habang patuloy na sumasayaw o nangingisay o hindi ko alam. Basta ang alam ko, mukha siyang tanga.

"What the hell do you want, Quijano? Sinabi ko nang hindi nga ako pupunta!" Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin nang mukhang hindi ako titigilan.

Was going home peacefully too much to ask?

Sa isang iglap ay huminto siya sa ginagawang pagsayaw at namimilog ang mga matang tumingin sa akin para sa pekeng pagkakagulat.

"Luh marunong ka pa lang sumigaw? Oy 'wag ka magalit, ginagabayan lang kita sa tamang landas," aniya sa mahinahon at mababang boses, mimicking someone—our town's priest. Sabay lahad ng magkabilang palad sa kasalungat na way. "Heto na... heto naa..."

I shut my eyes tight in frustration. Parang sumakit bigla ang ulo ko habang pinakikinggan ang mahina at mahinahon niyang pagkanta, sticking with his imitation. This lost cause weird boy was too much. Ilang sandali ko pa lang siyang nakakausap ay ubos na agad ang enerhiya at pasensya ko.

Ugh. Okay. Fine.

I sighed in defeat. Sino bang mananalo sa kabaliwan ng isang ito? I'll just remind myself after this to not deal with him anymore.

"Will you stop dancing and singing for God's sake?" angil ko bago tinungo ang daan patungo sa program. Nagsisimula na naman kasi siyang sumayaw. Hindi yata talaga kayang manahimik sa iisang lugar kahit isang minuto. Parang may bulate sa tiyan.

"Nagpapatuyo ako! Baka sabihin ni Toby hindi man lang ako nag-abala para sa program niya!" katwiran niyang pabalik, sabay bungisngis. "Mahirap na, baka multuhin ako no'n. Naniniwala pa naman ako sa existence ng spirit world."

Binalingan ko siya sa tabi para lang tapunan nang blangkong tingin. Bakit ka kasi tumalon sa tulay, 'di ba?—gusto ko sanang ibanat pabalik ngunit hindi ko na ginawa dahil nakakapagod siyang kausapin.

"Uy may kukwento pala 'ko sa 'yo. Alam mo kaninang umaga no'ng mag-isa 'ko sa banyo, pakiramdam ko may bumubulong sa 'kin. Tapos... tapos biglang lumamig!"

Wala akong pakialam sa kung anomang kinukwento niya. Ngunit ang gulat ay dinalaw pa rin ako dahil sa biglaan niyang pagsinghap nang marahas, na para bang may kung anong kakaiba siyang nakita o naramdaman o hindi ko alam!

"Ano?" halos pagalit kong anas nang mabagal niya akong nilingon sa tabi niya, habang patuloy kami sa paglalakad.

It was a gloomy afternoon and dusk was almost at sight. Not to mention that the wind was chilly enough to made me shiver. And being surrounded by tall grass without anyone in sight but this weirdo was plenty alarming. Hindi ako matatakutin pero dahil sa nakikitang ekspresyon at bulgar na nararamdaman niya'y parang maging ang kaba ko'y nabubuhay.

"Tubig! 'Yung tubig! Ang lamig ng tubig pagbuhos ko! Walanghiya, bumangon agad lahat ng brain cells ko! Akalain mong 'yung alarm ko parang bulong lang?!

"Grabe pala 'ko matulog? 'Kala ko nagjo-joke lang sila pero totoo pala? Pero bakit kaya gano'n kalamig 'yung tubig, 'no? Naligo ka ba? Ang lamig 'di ba? Ba't parang 'di mo alam? 'Di ka siguro naligo! Hindi, ano? Uy luh 'di nga?!"

"Shut up for Christ's sake."

I face-palmed mentally and tried my very best to ignore his nonsensical blabbering on the way. But aside from his giggles and weird noises, I kept hearing the question looming at the back of my head for almost a week now.

Toby Lorenzo was gone. But was that it? Is this really a final goodbye?