• • • • • • •

- i love you.-

• • • • • •

"i'm sick"

two words. six letters that changed louis's life forever. he will never understand how two simple word could so irrevocably change is life.

"sick?" louis manages to choke out as he stares at this pale but glowing husband who stood in front of him with sadden eyes.

"yeah" harry mutters before awkwardly clearing his throat. he throws around large gestures with his hands as he tries and struggles to grasp his train of thought.

"you know how i've been kinda sick lately? or-well just easily tired? not feeling up for it."

louis slowly nods, he noticed that harry has been kind slow lately but he just thought it was because of the tour. they never really get a break, always on their feet barely get any sleep.

he just assumed harry was just overworking himself again, he means harry isn't one to easily give up. everything had to perfected before a concert. he thought harry just caught some type of cold or something from the cold weather.

he didn't think anything was wrong.

"i was talking to paul about it, and he simply advised me to check with a doctor; you know, just in case. so i did and-um" harry's voice cracks as he speaks, he rubs his hand on his cheek before taking a deep breath and continuing.

"the doctor had noticed bruising—way to many bruises for someone like me. of course, i've seen them but—"

"bruises? you have bruises harry? why didn't you tell me or-r why didn't you say something?" louis shakes his head as he cuts him off. bruises?

harry slowly pulls up his oversized sweater's sleeve up revealing discolored bruises nearly covering his arm. how didn't he notice those?

"i didn't think anything of them, i mean they don't bother me and i just—"

"just tell me"

"what?"

"what did the doctor tell you?"

" i have cancer"

cancer. the world froze as louis tries his best to process what was just said. how is this fair?

harry can't have cancer. their story isn't supposed to go like this. he and harry were supposed to have amazing music careers, change lives, they wouldn't stop until the whole world knew their names. they would be mentors for the next generation of musicians.

and after a while, they would retire, say their farewells to the world of music, and wish only the best for the upcoming artists. they would have children and watch them play outside in the backyard as they stare though the window of their kitchen and as time went on, louis and harry would just keep on falling in love over and over again. they would live happily.

"well specifically, leukemia." harry mutters breaking louis out of his thoughts and dreams.

leukemia.

"why—how?" louis voice breaks meeting eyes with his lover. harry just shrugs with a smile meaningless smile.

"the doctor said some times—sometimes it just happens" harry mutters softly, tears brimming his once glowing green eyes. "bad luck" harry add on.

"w-what about the band?"

harry shakes his head taking a seat next to louis on the bench, placing his head on louis' shoulder and grabs louis' clammy hand; playing with his fingers as he talks.

"the doctor said it shouldn't be a problem for a while. i'll tell them of course—they deserve to know and..uh i mean i'll get treatment, and i'll get better! you know" harry bits his lip as his grip tightens on louis' hand; staring at it blankly. doesn't seem like he's processed the news himself.

"harry—"

"it's fine! i'll get better...'m get better" harry declares, seeming to be trying to convince himself, more than louis.

"the doctors said that they'd talk with our management team to make out a proper schedule for treatment. you know our management, they would want to hide it as long as possible—i mean i wouldn't want them know either, just...just in case if something happens. i don't want to give them false hope."

louis leans back on the bench trying to process the news that was just dropped upon him. he doesn't know what to say or do, he doesn't know how to help.

"w-when does treatment start?" louis breathes, his heart feel like it's about to jump out of his chest, this wasn't supposed to happened.

"as soon as possible, probably next week. it's up to management." the couple sits in silence for a while, neither trying to spark a conversation. just trying to figure out a way to be okay with harry's diagnosis.

"i mean we'll be alright. going to be just fine" louis finally assures turning around in his seat to face harry. harry smiles nodding, he pulls harry close, closing his eyes as he hold harry softly.

"nothing to worry about."

nothing at all.

• • • • • •

"oi louis! where's your husband?" niall yells as they get ready for soundcheck. louis shook his head; tying his shoe tightly before standing up to face niall.

"he's starting his first round of chemotherapy today. he said he'll be back later today." louis informed; grabbing his shirt, pulling it on as he hears liam tsk his tongue.

"i don't understand why management just can't let him have the week off. he's going be more than tired after chemotherapy. there's no point for him to come in today." louis shrugged, he doesn't understand either.

"that's what i told him but—it's management. what can i really say?" louis mumbles rolling his eyes, if it was up to louis, he would've already been on flight back home with harry. close to family, away from the craziness they call their lives.

"it's not fair." niall mutter crossing his arms shaking his head as he takes a seat on the counter. none of this is fair.

louis shrugs once again, he desperately tried to beg management to let him take today off and be with harry but of course, he got denied multiple times. so harry was sent back to the hospital with one of their guards, louis begged and begged for management to change their minds but nothing.

"i've been waiting for a call or something from him. and nothing. i think the guard or the doctor took his phone" louis says as he picks up his phone to check if he's missing any messages but zero notifications and zero missed calls.

zayn runs his hands down his face, obviously stressed out about the situation. the whole band just wants to be with harry during this sadden time.

the couple had broke the news to the rest of the boys, a couple of days after harry told louis. niall shook his head in disbelief as tears fell down his face, zayn just stared at the couple; seeming completely zoned out.

liam just got up and hugged harry. no words, no emotion on his face, just the need to have his best friend close to him. louis watched as zayn stormed out of the tense room, his face set in a grim look as he stomped his way out of the room.

all four of them jumped when loud thumps are sounded from the hallway, with one more loud thud, zayn calmly walks back inside with a bloody hand and a dented shoe. by the time, everything was fully explained, red eyes were covering everyone's faces and many of them cursed the universe when both louis and harry left the room.

"five minutes until you guys are needed on stage! five minutes!" one of stage workers yelled as they passed the heartfelt room.

"five" niall repeats as he stares at the floor wishing everything could go back to normal. louis shakes his head, pocketing his phone and starts to make his way out of the room.

"we need to finish up. i'll tell you if harry ever texts. we need to get this over with" louis mumbles walking out the room leaving zayn, liam, and niall to sit in silence.

the three of them quietly makes a swear to always watch carefully over harry, to make sure he wasn't overexerting himself, and wasn't in any danger of getting hurt, given that harry could get a bruise from a slight tap. it's already bad enough that he has to continue performing during treatment, they need to do everything possible to make it easier on him.

the plan quickly failed when harry returned back from the hospital later in the day, their overbearing action put harry on edge, he couldn't focus on singing. with niall asking if he was okay every five minutes, and liam constantly by his side so he doesn't trip and fall.

even louis was confused by their actions, he just assume that when harry came back from a long day of treatment, they would hurry up the rest of soundcheck so harry could rest quicker. but the boys overbearing actions lengthens the soundcheck.

harry isn't one to yell and snap at someone, claiming that yelling loudly doesn't do much but hurt your voice. good thing louis is quick to snap for harry.

after a hour of their endless shenanigans, louis finally snaps, firmly scolding each one of them, totally over their shit. he understands being worried but now they are just being ridiculous. louis thanks them for being worried for his boyfriend's health and helping harry out but with their behavior, they would be there all night.

properly chastised, the three band mates apologized to both harry and louis, promising to back off and only helping when harry ask for help.

"i understand you guys are worried but i'll be fine. i'm not a porcelain doll that could shatter at any given second." harry softly speaks after louis' long scolding, the boys nod, once again apologizing to harry before walking away to finish up soundcheck.

harry kisses louis' cheek before walking to grab his microphone. louis lets a gentle smile cover his mouth.

he's going be okay.

he has to be.

• • • • • •

"are you sure?" louis questions once again, looking at the mirror fixing his hair before turning around to face harry.

"for the one millionth time, yes. you are basically going cross the street from this hotel. i'm alright" harry smiles from the bed, louis lets out a groan, slumped over as he walks over to harry.

louis, liam, and niall have to do individual interviews today, zayn and harry's aren't until tomorrow. louis had tried his best to switch his and zayn's interview but the company wasn't having it, claiming they already have questions for louis.

louis had always loved during interviews, ever since the beginning of his career with the band. he loved getting asked ridiculous questions and coming up with ridiculous answers. it was like a game to him. but now, these interviews are the worst things on earth.

always scheduled when harry is feeling tired or sick and it's just a tiring day for both of them. the once ridiculous questions he loved to play around with became rather irritating. he didn't feel like playing games anymore, he just wanted to be with harry and never let him go.

"it'll be over before you know it babe. cheer up!" harry smiles hugging louis tightly, louis groan before pulling away frowning. stupid interview.

"i just don't wanna waste any time that i could be spending with you." louis grumbles stretching his back before pulling on his slip on vans.

"i'm okay" harry repeats, louis sighs shaking his head. he really doesn't wanna go. stupid interview. stupid career. unfair life.

louis bends down placing a soft kiss on harry's forehead before grabbing his bag and leaving the room.

"ready?" the bodyguard questions taking a step forward, louis simply nods before walking towards the elevator. he should be in there with harry.

the walk to the lobby is pretty quiet, louis just walks with his head hung low and his hands stuffed in his pockets. he hears liam and niall walking behind him, but doesn't try to make conversation.

the bodyguard tells him to wait, so they could clear a path to the car. he hears the fans screaming from the other side of the door, he should probably wave and smile like a good celebrity.

but since when did he act like a good and respectful celebrity?

so he just turns away from the door, looking around the small lobby. liam gently smiles at him, guess he has to make small talk.

"how are you doing? you know zayn will be checking up on him right?" liam informs trying his best to comfort his sadden friend. louis mentally rolls his eyes. he doesn't want zayn to check up on him, he wants to be with him.

"yeah, i know. it's just—it's hard. i barely can be there for him during chemo and whenever i can be there for him, management calls for some ridiculous interview" louis says gesturing wildly with his hands, before pinching the bridge of his nose.

"it's only going be a few hours lou." liam comforts while niall pats louis' back.

"i know—i know! i just don't wanna be here" louis exclaims lifting his head up from his hand.

their short conversation gets cut off by the bodyguard who was checking and clearing a path telling them that they can go. louis takes in the deep breath before making his way out of the door.

fans scream loudly from each side of them, no matter how times they go through a large amount of fans, their screams and yells still kill their ears.

"boys let's go! faster, into the car boys!" the body guard yells from the side. this is going be a long day.

• • • • • •

louis shivered as he sits in the uncomfortable chair. why are they blasting the air conditioner? it's already freezing outside. he pushes his hair back as he silently wishes he was still in the warmth of his hotel bed. no matter how many he asks someone to turn on heater, they are too scared of it getting too hot in the room.

louis finished his interview a few minutes ago. now he's waiting for niall and liam to finish theirs. the interview was pretty basic, normal questions, he tried his best to look interested but he found himself wishing to go back to the hotel and check up on harry.

most of the interview was filled with head nodding and short answers. he told management he didn't wanna be there, they get to deal with the consequences of a boring interview.

he already had a management worker tell him off for the boring interview. what did they expect? for him to be okay with leaving his sick husband alone at the hotel? not being able to check up on him?

they must think he was a proper idiot.

his thought get interrupted as his phone goes off, startling the young boy. he quickly apologizes to the interviewers before making his way out of the room into the hallway to pick up the phone.

he blinks in surprise when he see the caller ID.

it's harry.

why is harry calling? shouldn't he be resting or—at least talking and joking around with zayn?

"h?" there was a soft intake of breath before his husband replied. his voice having a distinctly breathy undertone of someone whose been sobbing. louis' heart drops, this isn't going be good.

"harry, what's happening?" louis worries, placing his hand on his head.

"i'm in the hospital—i need you." harry coughs as his voice becomes shaky. god, louis feel like throwing up. louis' blood runs cold as fear fills his body. he hears someone mumbling on the other side of the phone, he just assumed it's zayn from the accent.

"i'm coming—i'm coming, wait for me"

the line is cut off as louis shoves his phone in his pocket and spins on his heel; begins running to the nearest exit. feet flying as he dodges workers and management. the exit door swings open when he darts out of the building pushing fans away and jumping into the car.

"hospital" louis demands as he pulls out his phone quickly texting, 'i'll be there soon, i'm coming' to harry. he fidgets anxiously as he waits to arrive, louis groans softly and buried his head in his hands, chest tight and head slightly dizzy.

harry was most definitely not fine.

he shouldn't have left.

• • • • • •

"—harry?" louis questions as he opens the hospital room. his husband's head snaps up as louis enters the hospital room, harrys hand tightened around the thin fabric of the hospital sheets as he meets louis' worried gaze.

zayn slowly makes his way to louis and pats his back before exiting the silent room, softly muttering that he'll be in the waiting room if he's needed. louis doesn't bother to nod to his statement.

once the door shuts behind him, louis chest tightened, something happened. something really bad. he doesn't even want to know. he wants to run, far far way from the rubbing alcohol smelling room.

but harry needs him.

in sickness and health, right?

louis slowly walks to the bed, opening his mouth but closing it soon after as his words fail him. harry seems so small, so innocent in the bed, the hospital gown basically drowns his now thin body.

harry's eyes wide with obvious anxiety, cheek covered in tears stains, face puffy yet looks like he hasn't properly eaten in days.

louis' known harry for years now, they are married for god sake but he's never seen harry look so tired, and defenseless. his body covered head to toe with wires that connects with machines on the side of the bed.

louis takes in a deep breath as tears start to brim his blue eyes, this can't be happening. this can't be happening.

the two stare at each other for a long moment before harry breaks the eye contact by looking down at his hands. louis hears him take in a deep breath before patting the hospital bed. louis hesitates before softly sitting on the edge of the bed, harry clears his throat before speaking.

"i'm sorry for interrupting"

"you didn't interrupt anything, i was already finished—and you're way more important than some dumb little interview."

"still"

harry's voice was thick from crying, he plays with the fabric of the hospital bed as he speaks, obviously not telling louis something.

"stop it—don't apologize for something dumb like that" louis softly says, harry shakes his head but dropping the subject.

"right sorr- i mean...i have something to tell you lou" harry hesitates rubbing his arms together before looking up at louis again. louis just nods for him to go on.

"it's worse than the doctors thought"

"—what"

"they took new tests today, just because they needed to check something and well—apparently, the cancer spread. they want me to stay here, so i can receive treatment and have an IV regularly."

"so i can't go on tour with you guys" harry mutter thickly, his voice rather flat and emotionless. the awful, aching tightness in louis' chest growing as they sit in silence.

he doesn't know how to respond, was there something he was supposed to say? how does he process this? fuck. why them?

" i-i don't know how to tell management, so can you? i mean-i can do it if you can't but uh" harry rambles on clearly trying to hide the fact he's upset that his life is now on pause.

"har-"

"i mean how mad can they be? wait, w-what are they going tell the fans? if you do tell them, tell to tell the fans that i love them so much and i'm like sick or something."

"shut up." louis' voice cracked as he whispered, he suddenly pulls on the collar of harry's hospital gown and pulls him into a tight hug. he clutched harry desperately, trying to put all the failed words into the hug.

harry immediately tears up in his hold, his thin hands clutching louis' jumpers back tightly as he takes deep breaths.

"it's okay—it's okay, you can cry" harry breaks down. choked sob escape the younger boy's mouth as he hid his face in louis' jumper. his shoulders heave with each heart breaking sob. louis felt tears start to prick his own eye as he holds the love of his life closer to his chest.

"i'm so scared" harry sobs loudly, louis gently cards his fingers through harrys curly hair trying to calm him.

"i-i'm so scared, lou"

louis feels any faith and hope that once filled harrys body fade away in his loud cries. harry doesn't deserve this.

"i know." louis mumbles into harry's hair, placing a quick kiss in his curls.

" i-i don't wanna be sick— i wanna travel the world with you, i want to win a grammy with you. i wanna spend forever with you. i had it all worked out. i-i had it all worked o-out" the words keep tumbling out of harry's mouth as he sobbed.

"i don't wanna die"

"please don't let me die" harry yelled loudly as he continues to choke out sobs. louis winced and closed his eyes, feeling like someone had just punched him in the gut. just reminding himself that if he cries, harry would never stop. that can't happen.

"shhh" louis softly lets out beginning to rock the two of them. don't cry, don't cry. louis waited as harry cried himself out. praying for some type of miracle to make him stop.

it takes around twenty minutes before harry's sobs turn into hiccups and then into nothing at all. louis looks down; realizing harry cried himself to sleep.

" i love you"

a single tear falls into harrys curls.

• • • • • •

"guess what i brought!" louis calls out as he carries in a bunch of different board games. he watches as harry's faces lights up happily at the sight of board games.

"yes!" harry laughs grabbing one of the board games from louis placing it on his lap. harry looks back up at louis with a glow in his eyes. louis smiles brightly placing the rest of the board games on the side table.

" i know you've been bored lately- and so i brought some board games!" louis exclaims sitting on the edge of the bed, being cautious of the wires.

"thankyouthankyouthankyou!" harry yells as he pulls louis into a tight hug, being careful of his IV in his right arm.

it's been three weeks since harry was hospitalised, and like any other husband, louis visits pretty much everyday. they fall into a bit of a routine; louis goes to any meetings he's absolutely needed at and quickly practices with the boys before racing over to the hospital to be with harry for the rest of the day.

he doesn't care what management has to say about the whole routine. he doesn't care what the press is saying about the paparazzi photos. the only thing is does care about is harry.

louis pulls out the small hospital table that's attached to the bed, and starts to set up the board game. he hears harry's phone goes off as he sets up the last pieces.

"it's the boys, they're on their way" harry informed as he places his phone back down; moving into a better sitting position. louis just nods, did he prefer for it to be just him and harry? yes, of course but the boys are their best friends, they can't just cut them off.

"have you talked to your mom lately?" louis questions as he hands harry the dice.

"yeah, she wants me back home but—you know management feels like it would rise too many questions if i'm seen going back home while the boys stay in california" louis rolls his eyes at the comment.

harry and louis have been trying to convince management to send them back to england, so they can have the support of their families close by. yet management's scared that if paparazzi gets a photo of harry looking so thin and weak that it'll raise unwanted attention toward the band.

anne and gemma have been trying to fly out but with work and scheduling issues. they can't be flied out until next month and even if they do fly out to see harry, they wouldn't be able to stay long.

"that's bullshit" louis mutters moving his piece, harry shrugged, obviously agreeing with louis opinion but not wanting to get into it.

"yeah, it is but—at least i'm not totally alone" harry smiles looking up at louis, louis' heart tightens at the comment.

"you'll never be alone when you have me—i promise" harry lets out a giggle, leaning forward pecking louis' cheek before pulling away.

"you missed" louis jokes as he grabs harry and places a gentle kiss on his lips. harry shakes his head laughing as louis pulls away. louis watches harry laugh, taking in the beauty of harrys pure happiness.

"what?" harry chokes out as he stops laughing, louis just shaking his head smiling. he can't lose harry. if he loses harry, he'll be alone again—and he doesn't want to be alone.

"hey hey hey! what's up lovebirds!" niall shouts as he walks through the door, with liam and zayn following close behind. louis chuckles as he turns around to face the idiots he calls his best friends.

"hey nialler! z, li, what are you guys doing here?" louis questions standing up, making his way to the other side of harry's bed. harry looks at him before looking back at the boys.

"well! we finally had free time and we wanted to visit you because we all miss you energy and happiness around" liam speaks as he takes a seat on one of the hospital chairs.

"we've been either stuck doing album work or stuck in pointless meetings about rescheduling the tour" niall groans taking a seat where louis once sat, for a second harry's eyes dim before glowing once again. it's obvious that harry feels bad for having the tour canceled.

"but it's fine! totally fine." zayn speaks up from the back as he saw the dim of light in harrys eyes. harry nods softly before going on with the conversation.

the boys talk endlessly about how the album is going and what they need to add and stuff they should probably take out. liam had taken out a notepad mid conversation, taking notes whenever someone says a good lyric.

harry was actively in the conversation, nodding whenever liam advise an idea and mentioning lyrics that could be used in the song. obviously trying to hide his disappointment of not being able to actually work on the songs in the studio with a piano and guitar. the way harry would fidget with his fingers or play with the think blanket hint to louis how unhappy harry is to be stuck with cancer.

louis furrow his eyebrows as he continued to watch harry fidget around.

this isn't fair.

harry doesn't deserve this. for as long as louis could remember, harry has been the most respectful person in the room, his kindness numbed everyone's soul. he would light up the room whenever he stepped inside. for god's sake, he's pretty sure the sun was jealous of his brightness. he doesn't deserve to be stuck in a hospital bed fighting for his life.

the sudden buzzing of liam's phone startled them all, cutting off louis' thoughts as he watches liam jump to turn it off.

"shit, sorry! management made me set an alarm for when we should get going, they claim we have a busy day tomorrow." liam says as he stands from the chair, closing his notepad.

niall and zayn stood up from where they were sitting throwing a soft smile at harry, apologizing for now being able to stay longer. all of them knows how lonely harry can get. harry nods, painting a smile on his face that doesn't reach his eyes.

"no worries!—i don't wanna keep you guys here too late" harry tried to beam, but his voice sounded kinda hollow. "good night hazza" niall smiles making his way out of the room.

"good night h"

"good night haz"

"good night, text me later!" harry shouts as niall and the boys walk out of the room closing the door behind him. a soft 'okay' comes from the other side of the door before silence floods the room.

harry looks down the sheets that cover his legs, carefully pulling on it.

"it's okay, they'll be back soon"

"i know"

• • • • • •

"you're back finally!" harry exclaims a bit quieter than normal. chemotherapy really takes a lot out of him.

"sorry, i couldn't come sooner—uh management—"

"doesn't matter, come sit!" harry smiles brightly as he pats the edge of the bed. louis swiftly makes his way to the bed; taking a seat before glazing up at harry. his eyes look—dull, the light that used to brighten the room.

gone.

a black beanie covers his curls, and the gown that used to fit him perfectly, now hangs loosely on his thin body. dark circles cover his eyelids and under eyes.

he starting to look—well sick.

management had worked them to the bone last week, louis couldn't visit or even talk to harry for a good six days, nearly a week without seeing harry.

"—haz" louis speaks before harry cuts him fixing his black beanie.

"uh...my hair started to fall out on monday. like clumps of hair and i made the decision to let the nurse shave off all of my hair. i was given this beanie too.." harry trails off, bitting his dry lips.

louis paused.

he-he shaved off his hair?

ever since louis known harry, he's always had this fluffy, messy head of brown curls. it's what he's known for. whenever fans would draw the boys, no matter how bad the drawing was, it was always obvious of which one of harry.

it made him unique.

it made him, harry styles.

"i-i like it!" louis speaks as he watches harry pull of the beanie from his head. and like harry said, no curls. nothing.

"really!" harry smiled

"yeah, it's great"

harry smiled brightly before going on about his day, talking about how nice the nurse are and why he shouldn't eat the hospital food anymore because it's disgusting.

but all louis could look at is his bald head. shit this is real. harry has cancer and there's nothing he can do about.

• • • • • •

it's easy to forget how sick harry truly was.

most days, when louis came to visit his husband. harry would be up and ready for the day. bouncy and cheerful all the time, eating even if he didn't have an appetite. always badgering louis for new updates about the rescheduling of the tour and how the album was going.

harry was good at hiding his illness, and there weren't many signs to remind louis that his husband was suffering from a fatal illness.

a number of their days are filled with board games, video games, and walks around the hospital. harry was always more energetic during the weekends as the weekdays were filled with chemotherapy and blood tests. the rest of the boys would come every now and then, basic whenever they weren't in meetings or busy with making new music.

when autumn flew around, the band set a date of when they would go on tour and management finally let harry go back to england to be with his family; louis obviously going back with him.

the days went by slowly, harry's condition become worse and worse. doctors are assuming that his body and cancer has stop reacting to the chemotherapy. suddenly his days was filled with comforting harry as he throws up straight bile and watching harry sleep.

his energy was gone.

louis felt helpless, and lost. he just had watch his husband fade away. louis wasn't much of religious person, he thought it was stupid and pointless to go to church or to pray to something or someone that could never even be real. he would roll his eyes whenever his mom made him to a blessing over the food.

but that all changed when he found out harry was sick and had the possibility of dying. the once pointless and stupid thing he used to hate as a teenager gave him hope.

he prayed whenever harry was sleeping, begging the universe or god or gods or whatever come after to please save harry. to let him stay with louis. he would give up anything. he just wants his husband.

that's all he needs.

the universe doesn't seem to care what he needs as harry coughs out:

"louis, i'm sick"

louis blinked in confusion, of course harry's sick, what is he going on about?

"—i know"

"no, i'm sick lou— and i'm not going get better" harry whispers weakly as he stares up at louis whose frozen in place.

"what? no no no—you have chemotherapy-you're not done yet! harry, you're going to—"

"louis, i'm dying"

louis couldn't breathe.

oh god—no. not harry, not harry. he couldn't breathe, his chest feels like there's an elephant on it. his lungs refuse to accept any air. this can't be happening—god.

he needs to get out—he can't stay in this goddamn hospital for another second. louis mutters something crazy to harry before breaking out into a run out of the stuffy room. one hand clutching his chest as he races and dodges other people in the hospital.

he shoves his way though the glass doors, falling onto his knees once outside. his husband is dying. and there's nothing he can do about it.

he feels his phone go off in his back pocket, he shakily pulls it out looking at the caller ID.

it's liam.

oh god, he's been so caught up with harry that he hasn't returned any of their calls; basically ghosting them. he answers the phone as tears start to pour from his eyes.

"hey tom, i haven't heard from you in a long while—" louis closes his mouth but soon closes it as tears pool into his eyes.

"l-liam" louis sobs out pressing his hand to his mouth as his shoulders heave forward with harsh sobs that wreck his body.

"louis?"

"harry's dying, h-he's not going better li" louis chokes out, louis hears a sharp inhale from the other side of the phone.

"it's okay" louis shakes his head, curling into himself; placing his head on the hard cold concrete. it's not okay. his life is ending.

"i'm go-going be a-alone" his sobs getting louder by the second, he doesn't care if people watch him, he's losing his soulmate.

"i can't be alone again"

• • • • • •

louis didn't visit until three weeks later.

during the weeks, he went back home, told his mom and sister the news. they took it as hard as he thought they would. he felt empty—hollow. he wanted the world to stop.

he wanted the world to pause for a second. he didn't want to be reminded that his husband was dying. he didn't want to face reality. gemma texts him basically every hour, keeping him up to date with harry's condition.

told him harry decided to stop treatment.

when he heard that news, he threw his phone against the wall and cried from hours.

and yet, though all of it, life still went on.

the world didn't stop moving, just become harry was dying.

he wished the world would stop but it isn't. time will end up killing harry. not cancer. the fact the world keeps spinning and the clock keeps ticking to the next second.

after the weeks of crying, he went back to the hospital. the hospital where harry will fade away and never to return.

"harry-"

"no, go away" harry speaks pointing at the door, but he didn't sound mad. what's going on?

"what?" louis questions as he slowly walks to the bedside. harry shakes his head pointing again at the point.

" liam called when you were gone and told me you barely talk to any of them anymore and that management is threatening to kick you out of the band, so go"

"i don't understand what you mean, harry?"

"i'm dying."

louis winces, he knows that.

"okay—"

"i don't get a future. my fate is to die in this hospital of cancer. if i wanted to, i could disappear from the world and have no problem with it...but you-you have an future lou!" harry speaks crossing his thin arms together.

"i can't talk to them, there's no point" harry groans shaking his head at the ridiculous statement.

"the band is your future! you have to talk to them, if you want the band to survive."

"what's the point of a future when you're not going be in it?" louis grumbles taking a seat on the hospital chair beside the bed.

"louis—you can't just give up."

"yes, i can. my career ends when you are gone harry. you inspire me. you make me want things that i didn't even know i wanted."

"you can't give up just because i'm gone. lou, that's not how life works."

"why not."

"because—because even when i'm gone, you're still going be alive. you get a future and i don't. my dream end here—this is where i say goodbye—but you get to dream and hope and you get to walk out of this hospital"

"you need to call the boys. you need to go to the studio. you need to dream louis—and you can't do that here"

"what—harry"

"i love you louis tomlinson—thank you for staying here with me. thank you for falling in love with me out of all people. but i need you to go"

"h-harry"

"you need to start living—actually living." harry softly smiles as a tear falls down his rosy cheek. louis shakes his head as he gets closer to harry, gently touching his cheek.

"so—so promise me, you're not going give up. you will go on even after i'm gone and win a grammy with the boys and live our life without me" harry speaks softly pulling louis' hand from his face and kissing it softly before letting it go.

"h-harry"

"promise me lou" harry smiles

"i promise"

"goodbye louis"

• • • • • •

louis actually got his life back together- without harry. he went to the studio and talked with the boys again. he told management he was sorry for not being active in the band and that he will be for now on.

he wrote songs, really good songs. mostly about harry. some got put into the album, some was kept close to his heart. he apologized to his fans and told them that harry loves them and he's sorry for not being able to show more of his love.

he still has sleepless night where he just wants to go to harry and tell him he won't let him go but harry would hate him for it.

he still gets texts messages from harry's mom every now and then about harry's condition. he feels bad for not being there for his husband but this was harry's last wish.

february 2nd.

louis' phone went off just before he was going to go to bed. he groans before grabbing it, checking the caller ID.

anne.

his heart drops. he knows what's happening. something in his gut just screams at him. he swiftly picks it up, getting out of bed; grabbing a jumper.

"louis"

" tell him i'm coming—tell him to wait" louis rushes as he darts out of his bedroom; grabbing his keys and races out of the front door.

"hurry" louis hearts is in his throat as he starts the car and pulls out of the driveway. please god, please let him say goodbye. his heart pounds harshly as he taps his fingers nervously on the steering wheel.

he ends the call and throws his phone in the backseat. please please please. harry can leave yet, not before he says a proper goodbye. he runs red lights and swerved through different lanes. praying that cops aren't out.

he pulls into the hospital, stopping the car before jumping out and sprinting to harry's room. please god.

his sneakers let out loud noises as he dodges through nurses and doctors. many shaking their heads at him or telling him to slowly down but he doesn't care.

he finally reaches harry's room and about to let himself inside before he feels a hand on his back.

"louis"

it's anne, he quickly turns to face her. she looks pretty much exhausted.

"is harry—" anne shakes her head

"close—very close" anne speaks softly, her voice sounding hollow and gentle. louis throat tightens as he looks at her dark circles, she probably didn't get any type of sleep.

"he isn't very coherent—his speech is very slurred and he doesn't understand why you're not in there—he's been asking for you"

"okay, can i go inside?" louis mumbles harshly, he doesn't mean to be rude but this is his husband. he needs to be with him; he can't even waste a second.

"sorry—yeah let's go" anne whispers opening the door for louis, immediately sounds of slow beeping floods his ears and harsh breathing. harry room is much darker than the hallway.

"baby? louis is here" anne softly speaks as she guides louis to one of the hospital chairs. he nods taking note of gemma whose sobbing on the other side of the bed.

this is really happening.

"harry? louis try talking to him. maybe he'll respond to you" anne trails off as she takes harry's other hand, no mother should ever deal with the loss of their child. louis clears his throat looking at harry.

god, he's so pale.

"hazza? it's lou, i'm here" harry stays quiet, please god let him open his eyes one more time. a few moments pass but harry manages to get his eyes barely opened.

the spark that used to live inside of harry, the spark that made harry—well harry. gone.

he looks so tired.

exhausted from fighting this battle for so long. it's his time to go. louis doesn't want him to hurt anymore. it's time for him to sing with the angels.

"—ouis'" harry whispers, his voice sounds so far, barely even sounds like himself. tears start to pool in his eyes, but he smiles at harry.

"i'm here—i'm right here"

"—love...'ou, miss—'ou"

"i'm right here baby" louis chokes out.

harry's quiet for a couple of seconds, obviously not there. his once glowing eyes—dull, mostly glazed over.

"—ey lou"

"yes haz"

"—o..do'...ou—do you—hink 'it...hurt?"

louis tries to clear his throat to try and compose himself. he can't cry—not yet, not when harry's saying his last goodbye.

"er..of course not—it's like you know...falling asleep. it's peaceful. you won't feel anything"

"louis is right. you'll be just fine baby." anne chokes out through the tears, smiling at her son. this isn't fair.

"—oh 'ey...mama..love you" harry softly speaks looking away from louis at his mother and sister who battle to compose themselves like louis.

"i love you so much h. don't forget that. i will always love you" anne speaks softly touching harry's thin and pale hand.

"—emma..take '-are of mom—love you" harry mutter fixing his glaze on gemma who nods ten times in a row.

"of course, i love you" gemma speaks, harry softly smiles turning his head back to louis. harry looks down for a second before speaking.

"—'m scared"

"of what?"

"—'eing alone, 'ont wanna be alone lou. i 'ont want you to be alone" harry softly whispers as a tear works it's way down harry's face.

"you're not alone. your sister, mom, and i are right next to you. don't be scared."

"..'hat about you"

"i-i'm not alone either. i have my mom, my sisters, the band, your mom and sister. i'm not alone—i will never be alone haz"

but please don't go.

"—promise?"

"yeah i promise"

please don't go.

harry's face relaxes, knowing louis will have people after he's gone, he's all he needs to know.

it's silent for a few seconds.

"—ouis?"

"yeah?"

"—ust, checking if you were—still there"

"i'm here—i'm not going anywhere"

another few seconds pass, harry breathing gets harsher as the machine starts to show that his breathing is getting slower.

"—ouis"

"yeah"

"—fter 'm gone. still visit...i get lonely"

don't go.

"always...i'll always come back to you"

"—th'nk you" harry's eyes slowly blink shut. they don't open again. louis watches harry's chest rise and fall one last time before the heart machine goes off...flatline.

i need you.

louis drops his head sobbing.

i don't wanna live without you.

he's gone.

i don't wanna live out "our" dream without you by my side.

i know i can make it through this without you. you taught me how—

but i wish i didn't have to.

• • • • • •

-and i love you more-

• • • • • •

fin. 7.6k words

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