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-the one where harry has to leave for "love on tour" and the lovers have a hard time saying goodbye.-

- 32. just not home.-

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if i asked you to stay—

"hey, what are you doing?" harry heard as he whispered-sings the next lyric on his setlist. harry sets down the sheet of papers, lowering his head.

attempting to shake away his exhaustion and anxiety before looking over his shoulder to locate his boyfriend, louis, who was on the door frame with his arms crossed. his brows were furrowed, eyes expectant and thin lips tugged back. harry knows he's in trouble.

"sorry—did i wake you?" harry lightly speaks as he strolls towards the seemingly grumpy man, looking down on the floor as he makes his way.

"i just couldn't sleep." harry continues shrugging his oversized hoodie shoulders, mentally hoping that his boyfriend isn't too upset with him.

louis sighs, watching his boyfriend drag his feet. he wasn't sleeping, he couldn't fall asleep on such a night. when harry was in front of him, louis takes the AirPods that were still in his boyfriend's ears and set them on the chair that sat next to the doorway. he opens his arms, "get in here."

harry doesn't even take a second to think about it, he hugs his boyfriend the instant louis opens his arms.

"you okay? having any second thoughts?"

please have second thoughts.

harry doesn't respond, just snuggling his face into the crook of louis' neck even further. If only that was possible. he huffs into cold skin, intertwining his fingers behind louis' back.

louis inhales sharply, "hey?", he only feels harry's hug tighten around him. a frown finds its way around louis' lips, he hated seeing harry like this. quiet, unexpressive.

he wasn't used to this kind of harry, silent and unvocal. he hated seeing harry like this. it
made worry bloom and settle into his heart, chest getting heavier with each second that passed. The uneasiness, the uncertainty, and the loud desire that settled in, the desire of asking harry to stay,

louis didn't want any of it—it made him want to be selfish. selfish with harry.

but that's something he can't be. especially when he knows how significant singing and touring are to his boyfriend. he doesn't want to be the person to stop harry from his dreams and proving his capabilities to the world. harry can't be in one place for long, louis knows that best.

harry always—always has to show the world who he is and what he can do. It's just never enough for him.

by default, louis leans his chin on the top of harry's mess of brown curls.

"hey, it's going to be alright," louis hums as he caresses the younger one's back, it was a sad attempt to soothe him. he didn't understand why harry was like this, hesitant to share his emotions.

it's not like it's his first time going on tour alone. if anything, louis expected harry to be all jumpy and eager because louis just knows he loves touring ever so much.

he also didn't understand why it felt like it was going to be the last time he's ever going to hold harry in his arms, tightly, like this. it wasn't, obviously, he knew that.

but the next time he's going to be able to hold harry like this in maybe... a year? —if they're still together by then. it's a stretch but he's optimistic.

he has every right to be dubious right now. he doesn't know what it feels like to have your lover on the other side of the world. he's unaware of the struggles they're going to have to face when the time comes. it's not that he doesn't trust harry, it's just the fear of it all.

the sudden unfamiliarity that's going to hit him; waking up every morning and not having anyone to wake him up with kisses, having breakfast, lunch and dinner alone, going to bed and seeing the other side, where harry's supposed to be, empty.

it was outrageous, especially for louis. he loves harry too much to just let him go like this. but because of that love, he's going to do exactly that; let go.

"you're being weird." louis hears harry whisper into his neck. his voice faded and quiet, tight and somewhat unsettling. he moves his head to louis's shoulder, leaning his temple on it.

louis could only scoff, looking down and meeting harry's emerald green eyes. "me, weird? excuse me, but it's you who's being weird."

"you hugged me first. that almost never happens." harry points out, and he says it with a bitter smile. His eyes closed and nuzzled his face closer, taking in his favorite fragrance in the world. The natural smell of his boyfriend, the soap they used, and the fabric conditioner in their clothes.

It's that particular thing that sends quietude through his veins, it's what calms him, it's what makes him want to stay like this eternity.

"—is there anything you want to say to me?" louis question raising an eyebrow. his words trail off, getting quieter in volume as each word rolled off his tongue.

come on. tell me. tell me not to go, if you tell me to stay; I will.

harry shook his head, louis brushes harry's hair back with his fingers.

louis kisses his forehead slowly, it's a lingering kiss. "I love you, is that what you want to hear?"

no, ask me to stay in your arms.

hold me endless

harry giggles once louis closes his lips. "You know it..." he paused, standing properly but not letting go of the hug. "I love you too."

their eyes meet yet again and they look at each other with so much longing, with so much love and growing regret. the words that remain unsaid, they're slowly piling up inside each other's chests. things they haven't done, and moments that weren't just enough.

louis takes harry's hand, bringing it to his cheek to lean on it.

don't go, please don't go—

"we should head in, it's getting cold." harry nods, agreeing with his boyfriend. they get off each other and walk into their shared flat, hand in hand. They go to their bedroom and lie down, only to hug each other again.

harry drapes his arms around louis's waist, resting his head on louis' chest and letting out a long sigh. he stares outside the window, minding the sky that was slowly turning into a soft shade of blue. "when will you get ready?"

harry peeks at the digital clock, "In an hour or so."

"Are you meeting with anyone?"

"my mom and gemma, they're going to see me off." harry mutters.

louis adds, "niall and liam, too."

"and zayn." harry adds again.

"should we just call all of your friends?"

harry smiled softly, "that'd be nice."

louis's fingers slip into harry's soft curls. "... when will I see you again?"

harry kisses his boyfriend's neck, "when you visit."

"how often should I visit?"

"once." harry glows into louis' skin. "—once every stop."

"should I just go with you?"

"... you should."

"if only it was possible."

harry doesn't answer anymore, and louis just concludes that he's fallen asleep. the older boy sighed tiredly, covering his eyes to protect them from the sun that was rising and rudely seeping through the lace curtains. he needs to change those. he covers harry's eyes as well, before drifting off as well.

and as he did, he so desperately prayed that harry would wake up late so that he'd miss his flight. he'd miss his flight and not go anymore.

louis prayed that harry would wake up, realize that it was noon and just let it go. he prayed that harry would say something like "maybe it's a sign that i should just postpone the tour" and just entirely forget about ever going on tour.

selfish—he knows.

harry was not superstitious but for this, louis prayed that his boyfriend would believe something like that.

just this once

louis even once thought about messing their alarm up so that it wouldn't be able to wake harry up. but of course, louis's not that kind of person. he would never do anything of the sort. he'll just think of it and forget. maybe sulk about it for a little, but later on, his rationality takes over.

his loyalty towards his boyfriend would never allow him to do anything like that.

when he wakes up, maybe two hours later, he hears harry hauling his suitcases to the front door. louis jumps up, rubbing his eyes and checking the clock.

harry has to leave soon. he clicks his tongue and curses, getting up and promptly washing his face in the bathroom. "why didn't you wake me up?"

"you looked so peaceful." harry answered from the hall. "but you're just in time. should I make you some coffee?"

"don't need it." louis answered, shouting a little so that harry could hear him. he brushes his teeth and after, he changes into thick clothing. It was cold so he bundled up, wearing a trench coat and even a sweater underneath. he grabs the car keys from the vanity, hurrying to the garage to help harry put his luggage in. "you should've woken me up."

"you looked really tired." harry said plainly, not looking louis in the eye.

"umm anyways—you hungry? maybe you should grab a snack first, there's still time-" harry's voice is really brittle, it's fragile and unstable, obviously on the verge of crying. he glances away and covers his mouth, shutting his eyes as he tries to compose himself but louis takes his hands.

"baby." louis said, as calmly as he can but it came out wobbly. he pulls harry into a hug, a tight one, almost suffocating but harry doesn't mind. "what's wrong? does anything hurt? are you alright?"

harry could only sob, clenching onto louis' arms and gripping on them. he couldn't speak, his throat didn't let him. he felt his jaw lock closed as he tried to gasp but it just hurt. he cried, completely dampening louis' sweater.

now this, this is the sight louis hates with his whole entirety. harry's wails rang in his ears and he squeezed his eyes closed, resting his cheek on harry's head. "it's going to be okay, okay? tell me what's wrong."

harry shook his head, sobs proceeding and only getting louder. louis pursed his lips, he didn't know what to say or what to do. This never happened before

he never expected to see his boyfriend cry, ever, the boy's such a bright little thing. always optimistic and cheerful.

"tell me what's wrong." louis repeated, rubbing harrys back. "tell me so I can help."

"I don't want to go." louis freezes. "lou please don't let me go."

"haz," louis breathed, "you have to go."

"i don't want to." harry croaks out, "i—i want to stay."

"baby, you have to go." louis pulls away so that he could look harry in the eye. he cups his cheeks, thumbs gently wiping over harry's undereyes. "you wanted this, right? go."

harry lightly shakes his hands, sniffling and whimpering. he grips onto louis' wrists, closing his eyes. "I don't want to be so far away from you."

"you have to go, haz. you've been wanting this for so long and you're finally given a chance. don't waste it. go." he hated this. he's saying things he doesn't mean. he absolutely hates this.

"if it's the loneliness you're worried about, i'll call you everyday. every morning and every night, if you want. stop crying."

harry just shakes his head again. "who's going to take care of you?"

louis scoffs, tittering as he pressed his forehead against the other's. "you have no right to worry about me right now."

"you never eat unless i make you food. you're too buried under your song writing. you-you-"

"haz." louis tilts harry's chin, they're looking at each other. tears are still streaming down harry's face, he looks ridiculously dreadful. but it's the face louis' grown to love, so he smiles, lightly pecking harry's chapped lips. "don't worry about me. i'm an adult, I can take care of myself."

"stop crying now." louis orders softly as he nods, wiping harry's tears with his sleeves. he checks his watch, "we should go."

"... yeah..."

"get in, okay? i'll get you some water then i'll finish up here. rest for a bit in the car, you're all red."

"okay."

louis kisses harry's forehead. "I love you."

"i love you too ." harry mumbled, breathing out and wandering to the front passenger seat. he unlocks the door and climbs in.

louis goes inside their home to get a glass of water. when he's in the sink, holding a cup and filling it with water- he wants to cry. he wants to sit and cry, but he can't.

he knows he can't because between the two of them, it's him who should be strong. It's him who should be the mature one, the rational one, the one who never lets his emotions get to him.

come what may, he's always kept his feelings at bay. he'll never let petty, greedy and insensitive thoughts take root.

that's him, louis tomlinson. the one who's holding harry up when he can, but in all reality-it's harry who's keeping him steady.

the glass is full and he gets back with harry to give the cup to them. harry takes it quietly, then louis puts the rest of the luggage in the trunk before also getting in and beginning the car.

the ride to the airport is peaceful. harry's typing away on his phone, louis's eyes are locked on the road. they don't exchange a word, or even a glimpse until they're there.

harry's mom and a few other close friends are waiting by the entrance. they all give harry a big, warm hug, it's something harry wholeheartedly welcome and sink into.  "i'll see you guys soon."

"yeah! don't forget our souvenirs."

"we'll miss having you around."

"send photos and videos!."

"harry, i'm gonna miss ya so bad!"

when everyone's done saying their goodbyes, louis escorts his boyfriend inside.

"so, we're here." louis hears and glances towards his side, where harry's standing, one hand safe and sound inside louis own and the other's holding onto the baggage cart that contained his luggage. harry faces louis, giving him a small smile. it's like he wasn't crying earlier. "thank you for driving me, you didn't have to walk me in."

"why not, you know?" louis checks his wrist watch, they still have a little time. time sort of feels a little quicker. It's just been like that lately. louis clears his throat, swaying his shoulders lightly and looking at harry.  

"you sure you have everything? you can't go back once you're there. and if you come back—i'm not letting you go."  he didn't want to let harry go.

harry chuckles, face turning into a light shade of red. "yeah , i'm sure i have everything already." his smile turns into a frown, "i'm going to miss you."

"ah, stop." louis raised his hand, trying to keep his emotion at bay.

If you start, I'm going to drag you back home. 

"i'm not going to cry! again." harry hits his boyfriend, the smile is back, but then he deflates. the boy looks down, clasping his hands together.  "i'll call you when I'm there."

"you better." louis fixes harry hair, his hand slides to his cheek and they lean in to kiss harry lips for the last time in a long time. "I'll be waiting for it."

"mm-hm," harry returns the kiss before stepping back and holding onto the baggage cart, with both of his hands this time. "I'll call you first, don't you worry."

"—bye."

"bye, i love you."

"I love you, too."

harry lets go of his cart again and hugs louis tightly. he hides his face into his chest, sighing into it and sniffling. louis wraps his arms around harry back firmly, he doesn't want this hug to end. harry stays like that for a while, and louis placing gentle kisses on curly hair.

"I'm going to miss you."

"'m miss you." louis pushes harry away, despite not wanting to. "go, you're going to miss your flight."

"... yeah. okay." harry sighs and softly smiles with tears brimming his eyes, "wait for me, okay?"

louis nods. "i will. go."

harry nods as well, then he goes back to his cart and pushes it with him as he makes his way inside.

come back

turn around.

harry doesn't do any of these, they just continue on walking. The blue eyed boy watches the younger boy until he disappears into the sea of strangers.

louis looks down, shoving his hands into his pockets and turning around to go back to his car. he's really gone. one he's inside, he sighs deeply and leans his head into the wheel.

this is when he cries.

—would you?

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3.2k word. fin

hi mi amors!

how is everyone doing today? i haven't written in a long long time, so please don't be too hard on this one shot:)

this book has hit so many milestones while i was gone and i'm so grateful for everyone whose supported and loved this book. it means the world and more!

to everyone in my dm's saying you want me to update this book and requesting new story ideas, i see you and i hear you. i'll be sure to write requests as soon as possible!

im not sure when the next time i'll be able to update again (hopefully soon) but just remember i'll adore you guys and love y'all with my whole heart.

- M:)