Summary: Management are finally letting Harry and Louis come out, the only problem is Louis's not really sure he wants to.

Author: awakeinthestorm

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Louis felt sad. Overwhelmingly sad, the type of sadness that's all encompassing, that burrows itself under his skin and refuses to move. Louis often had days like this, when he didn't want to move from the warmth of his sheets yet they still wouldn't give him the comfort he needed. He'd toss and turn before it all became too much and he'd get up and move to the kitchen where he'd make a cup of tea only for it to sit on the counter untouched gradually becoming cold. Louis hadn't felt warm since Harry left.

They'd been great together, you'd have to be blind to not see that. They were almost always so each other, so much so that it wasn't just Harry and Louis anymore it was HarryandLouis. You couldn't have one without the other, if you invited Harry out he'd turn up with Louis' hand clasped in his, a wide grin gracing his face, not guilty in the slightest. Louis looked at Harry like he was his world and Harry treated Louis like he was his. They were by no means perfect, Louis would avoid Harry for days, staying locked up in a hotel rooms and when he did Harry'd smile less, becoming more withdrawn and reserved seemingly deep in thought. But they'd eventually make their way back to each other, they always did.

As much as they loved being on tour, singing to thousands of fans every night fuelled by adrenaline- nothing could compare to that rush -the enforced no touching on stage or in public rule put in place by management was wearing. There was nothing more Harry would like to do than reach out and entwine his fingers with Louis' or brush a hand along his back as he skipped by or place a kiss on his cheek when performing. He hated the restricted contact, he hated having to hide their love like it was something dirty and to be ashamed of. Louis hated it too, he hated having to comfort a crying Harry when it all got too much for him, he hated seeing Harry frown as he turned away from his touch in interviews. However, Louis hated himself a little too.

Louis wasn't ashamed, how could he ever be ashamed of such a thing? His love for Harry wasn't the problem. He often thought that if they weren't famous, if they weren't in One Direction then things would have been very different. They wouldn't have to hide it, no one would care, their relationship wouldn't have the danger of affecting album sales or the reputation of a band and the jobs of three other people along with hundreds of crew members. But that wasn't the case.

All the people that mattered, their family and friends, knew about them and that's all that Louis cared about, he didn't feel the need to share their relationship with the he world. Harry did though, he kept pushing and pushing with management, trying to persuade them to let 'Larry' come out.

It was when they were on a three month break from tour that they got the call. They were at home, home being their two bedroom flat they'd bought together a year in to their relationship. It was Harry that answered the phone, both of them laying entangled together on the sofa watching TV.

After many brief exchanges of words Harry bolted upright.

"What is it Harry? What's wrong?" Louis jerked at the sudden movement, adjusting himself so he was pressed against Harry's back, arms around his waist. Harry "shh"-ed him and carried on talking on the phone, gushing his thanks to the person on the other end.

Harry turned to Louis after the phone call grinning.

"That was management. They're letting us come out! It's going to be a long process as they want to gradually increase the public outings but it's finally happening!"

Louis froze. He'd never considered that management would let them come out any time soon. He'd figured that by the time he and Harry came out the band would be over and they would have settled down away from the media.

"Isn't this great Lou? This is what we've always wanted!"

Louis tried to smile back but it came out as more of a grimace. He was trying to feel happy about the situation but the anxiety rising up inside of him was prevented that.

At this response Harry's face fell a little. "This is good news Lou, what's wrong?"

"Nothing Harry. I just- I just don't know if I'm ... ready."

"Ready? What do you mean you're not ready? We've wanted this for years, we've been waiting for this moment for years and you're not ready?"

Harry had moved forward away from Louis touch and twisted himself round until he was sat across from him on the settee.

Louis flinched at his words.

"I don't know Harry! I just thought we'd be keeping it to ourselves for a while and I really don't it's a good time to do something so drastic, not with where we are in our careers."

Harry was looking at Louis in shock. "Something drastic? Louis what do you think we're doing? Kicking someone out of the band? Announcing an accidental pregnancy? Louis we're just letting people know about our relationship, there's nothing drastic about that! Are you ashamed of me? I thought this is what you wanted?"

"No Harry, this is what you wanted. And I guess you've got what you wanted, like you always do. Have you ever asked me once if I want to come out? No. So don't expect to know what I want." Louis didn't mean to come off as aggressive but fear had it's hand gripped around his heart, he didn't know what it was about announcing that he was gay that made him so scared, he wished he could be more like Harry, happy and open about it.

Harry had stood up now looking down on Louis with an unreadable expression. "I don't understand why you wouldn't want this."

"I'm scared Harry! I don't want to face the backlash of this, what if we lose fans? Album sales? We'll be letting the other boys down."

"That's ridiculous Louis! No one's going to care, it's not going to change anything."

Louis couldn't look Harry in the eye.

"Well if that's how you feel I don't know what I can do to change that."

And with that Harry sat back down again, back rigid facing the forward. They remained like this for a few hours, both staring blankly at the TV, both hard in thought.

When it was finally time to go to bed Harry broke the silence.

"I don't know if I can do this."

"Do what?"

"Pretend everything's okay when I'm not. I can't believe you Louis." And with that Harry began moving around their flat grabbing a bag and shoving things into it.

"What are you doing?" Louis exclaimed, reaching for Harry's arm only for him to brush past too grab another t-shirt.

"I leaving Louis, I think we need to think about this, we both want different things. I'm done hiding, we've been given an opportunity so I want to come out, whether that's with you or not, I don't want to keep pretending to be something I'm not." Harry said quietly and this time it was him not looking at Louis in the eye.

Louis didn't have a response to this, his mouth opening and closing, no words coming out. It was to this silence Harry finished packing his stuff and left the flat, but not before pressing a soft kiss to Louis lips with a whisper of:

"I love you."

...

The day Harry left Louis didn't move from the sofa, too shocked and hurt to do anything but stare in to space. Over the next few day he stayed within the flat, moving from the bedroom only to drink and get what little food he would eat. He eventually went out again, first out of necessity for groceries but then to meet up with a few friends or to visit his family, he wasn't one to wallow in self pity. He thought of Harry frequently but let these wash over him and tried not to dwell on it for too long for he'd end up in tears, unable to breathe through the pain.

Then there were days like today. Days where Louis was so caught up in sadness that he could barely function. He knew it was his fault that Harry left, he couldn't be what he wanted, he wasn't brave enough to face the reaction from the public. The fans would be so disappointed in him for lying to them, for hiding who he was, and who knew what other people would think? He'd sit, torturing himself with all the possibilities, a ball of anxiety writhing in his chest as he'd scratch at his arms and squeeze his eyes so tightly shut he'd see stars.

Louis was currently curled up on the floor of the kitchen, having slumped there when his legs refused to support him anymore. He pressed his head to the cold tiles hands grappling over it trying to find something to grip on to his breathing quickening and becoming more shallow as he struggled to intake air. Usually when he felt like this he'd find Harry who'd hold him tightly and tell him that he was alright. Harry would make Louis match his breathing to his and they'd sit there chests pressed together inhaling and exhaling as one. Harry would make Louis feel whole again.

Louis loved Harry and he'd just left him, he'd given up on Louis, left like he didn't give a damn, like their relationship meant nothing to him. Louis wrenched himself up from the floor and stumbled to the desk in the bedroom, pulling a draw open and grabbing a pen and paper all the while hot tears flooded down his cheeks as he gasped for air. He then started writing ferociously, spilling his emotions on to the page. However nothing Louis wrote could explain the way he was feeling, the words wouldn't string together to form any coherent release, so they were useless to him. Louis let out an anguish cry and began ripping the papers to bits.

It's hard explaining how you're feeling when you don't even understand it yourself.

With shaking hands Louis crawled back in to bed. And it was there staring up at the ceiling with the crack running though it from where Harry had bashed his head from jumping on the bed too high that Louis realised Harry hadn't given up on them. If anything Louis had given up on Harry long before he'd left. Louis'd given up the idea of him and Harry ever being out, he'd accepted having to hide their relationship just to avoid the backlash they may receive. Harry had fought so hard to be able to show the world who he truly was and Louis had taken that from him in an act of pure cowardice. He didn't deserve Harry, but he would do anything to get him back.

He glanced across towards the picture of him and a Harry on the desk. Taken back during X Factor, their faces were mushed together and wide grins split their faces. Louis hadn't been afraid then, just in love. He didn't know when doubts about their relationship began creeping in, probably about the same time they were signed and forced to hide, but Louis would not allow that to happen again. Louis could not believe he'd let Harry go so easily, he loved Harry with all heart and he was not going to let fear stand in his way again. And with that Louis picked up his phone.

...

Harry had got the text as he landed in Heathrow Airport after being in LA for a few days, drinking the time away trying to forget. He immediately hailed a taxi and gave the driver his address. He spent the ride chewing at his nails anxiously wanted to get to Louis, he longed for him like a missing limb, he craved his touch after not feeling it for so long.

Upon arrival after paying the driver and climbing the stairs to his floor he pulled out his key and unlocked the door. It was oddly silent inside, usually Louis would have music on or at least the TV for some background noise. Leaving his bags on the floor he moved across the flat which looked much like he had left is to the bedroom hoping to find Louis there.

The bedroom was dark as the heavy curtains were pulled across the window, clothes were strewn spilling out of the wardrobe door, nothing unused about that, Louis has always been rather messy. Littered on the floor were pieces of paper. They were everywhere, screwed up, torn and crumpled. The words written on them now without meaning, just fragmented sentences. The pictures painted in the lyrics destroyed by the hands of their creator, the evidence of their massacre scattered carelessly on the wooden floorboards.

On the bed was Louis, curled up under the covers. He appeared asleep and Harry was reluctant to wake him, the grey under his eyes showing how tired he was. Harry ran his fingers over Louis cheek revelling in the warmth of his face and the slow soft inhale and exhale of his breaths. It was then Louis' eyes fluttered open to meet his.

"You came?"

Harry jumped straight to it. "You changed your mind?"

"There was nothing to change Haz, I already know I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you, I just needed the courage to do so." Louis smiled up at Harry causing his breathe to catch in his throat.

"And have you found that courage Lou?"

Louis nodded, leaning up to press his lips against Harry's.

"I found my courage in you."