Lances pov

I stare at my bleeding arms, blood gushing out of my body faster then you ever would have believed, there is so much. Who knew that humans could hold so much of the glimmering red liquid.

Today was it, today was my last day on this earth. I lift my arm to slice through my arm again but I can't, they are numb I can't move them...now that I think of it....I-I'm kinda sleepy...maybe...maybe now is time for me to.....

Time skip

My eyes slowly open and I'm met with the dim dark confined space of my room, blood soaking my cloths and covering the floor. I slowly stand up in light headed and even being on my own two legs is to much movement for me. I can feel my arms, all it is a burning fire of agony, someone lit a match and put it on my arms useing the firey red liquid like gasoline to keep it fueled.

I feel a bag of sand smash into the pit of my stomach making my movements slower and holds me down, my throat is coated with glue that is holding a ball of twine in the middle of it keeping the air from getting through easily, my arms weight 10 pounds each along with my eyelids.

I failed....I didn't kill myself, I tried so hard...

I wanted to cry, I wanted the tears to come crashing down my face makeing me lose so much control that I fall to the floor and skin my knees, I wanted to sob for hours so that a horrid headache would attempt to rip my head apart, I want to let out blood curdling screams so that even the sound proof walls would be rendered useless, I wanted to shout so long that my throat would feel like nails had been digging inside of it making the idea that blood was soaking the twine ball a very realistic one.

Instead all I did was wrap up my arms, clean the blood and put on my cloths. I felt numbness in my head, all those jokes about it being empty cane true as all I could think was...

I can't even kill myself properly

I didn't feel anything, my heart might as well has been hollow, giving meaningless and empty thumps, a promise with each one that I will live, a worthless promise as it will be broken as soon as I can try again.

With each movement it felt robotic, I was only following my instincts.

Soon I find myself entering the dinning room my large green jacket draped over my body.

"Lance your late!"allura shouts, instead of responding I walk inside and fall into my chair, the need to blink having left me the moment I awoke this morning. The ability to smile being saved for when I finally end it all.

"Lance why the hell are you late?"allura asks her tone demanding but all I do is sit there.

"Answer me! You are paladin you need to own up to your mistakes instead of running from them!"allura says her temper clearly rising, the only thing about this that scared me was if she got angry enough she would leave instead of wrapping her thing fingers around my throat and squeezing until she was satisfied.

"Allura, why do you even call him a paladin he is so useless."pidge says giving me a disgusted look. It felt almost humorous, I just tried to kill myself and the first thing they say to me is how useless I am. I feel a smile break out on my face at the thought. Keith gives me glance, the dim smile on my face startling him.

"I need my beauty sleep..."I say, my voice raspy and my words dull. Pidge gives a scoff and allura roles her eyes.  I sit for little, listening to the noise of silverware clinking against their bowls. I feel my eyes growl heavier and my head begins to bob. I was so tired, so drained. It's like the blood that had left my body also took a large stash of my energy. I close my eyes...only for a second before I hear chair scooting out.

"Time for team training."keith says. I let out a huff but stand to join the training, my legs feel wobbly, each step was lazy and my movements were choppy.

We start training, listening to allura and pidge point out what I have done wrong. Soon the idea crosses my mind.

Why wait? What if I just let it all end now?

I see a bot head my way, I drop my bayard to the floor and let my arms rest by my side. I duck my head and get ready for pain...but it never comes, I hear clinging noise and see Keith in front of me, the bot on the floor. He turns around, his breathing sped up and his eyes in a wild rage.

"What the hell is wrong with you!"he shouts and his sword turns back into a bayard.

"I-I'm just tired..."I trail off. Keith opens his mouth to speak but is cut off.

"Lance you had more sleep then the rest of us! And on the battle field if you do that no one will be there to save your sorry ass!"allura shouts. Her words sting more the scars on my arm.

"Ha...your right, guess stupid lance McClain didn't think..."I mutter and look down at the floor, the bayard by my feet becoming the only thing I could focus on.

"Yeah, guess that's what happened."pidge spit out anger clear on her words. Today has been a terrible day so far... finally we finished up training and we start heading to our rooms, I think I'll do it now during free time, no one will notice nor question where I am.

"Lance."Keith calls from behind me, I turn slowly seeing as moving fast will only make the world spin.

"Yes."I say and look up at the coal colored mullet. I meet his vibrant purple eyes, they were so pretty like lavenders has been picked from a garden and fashioned into a pair of soft sparkling eyes using the moons radiant glow to light them up.

"Are you okay, you've been acting different."He points out, I try to put a smile on my face but nothing happens. This will be the last conversation I will have...if I don't fail again that is.

"Yeah, today just didn't go as planned."I mutter.

"How was it supposed to go?"he asks me stepping closer.

"....it was meant to be happy, I wouldn't feel any pain, I would be with loved ones, in a place so pure and clean it practically glowed white, the shimmer of stars wouldn't be able to compare with its beauty. I imagine flowers of all kind around me, with their sweat natural sent filling the air, I place where your mind floated and didn't feel so heavy in my head, where smiling would be an easier task and I place I have longed to be for oh so long..."I say. Keith sighs and takes a step closer to me.

"Look I know you want to go home, and that sounds nice and all but we have to stay and fight."Keith says, he must have taken my words the wrong way. I can't fight anymore, I have been fighting two battles for so long and today I am about to lose both.

"Uh yes...I know, sorry I shouldn't have mentioned it."I say and turn to leave. Keith stays in the hallway behind me as I walk to my room, my bayard places safely in my pocket.

If I leave today then the chances of us winning the war go up, they can get a better paladin, one they actually like, one who wasn't a coward, one that could with stand their demeaning words and high standards.

Once I enter my room I pull my bayard out, it forms into my glorious gun and I place it against my temple. I search my mind for any reason to stay.

Live to fight in the war
         If I'm gone they can find a better paladin

Live to see your family
        Why would they want to see a disgrace like me, let alone welcome me back with open arms.

Live just for the sake of living.
         And live in constant agony

I'm tired, and I can't find a reason not to do it, my notes are written and I have accepted my fate.

I curl my finger around the trigger slowly....

Hope you liked it, I am changing the cover.

This will be the new cover, I made it myself.

And I just want to put another shout out my other book 'a second chance'

It's got ships, it's got angst and it's got a decent plot.

Yes yes I know this has been a long authors note, but I have to remind you.

You can make requests, any ship as long as there is angst, you can submit a fluff story and I can turn that into angst so if you want to see how I change a fluff story to angst then do that as well. I have no boundaries request anything, also I can take sart requests (if you really want) I love drawing and wouldn't mind drawing anything you wanted, if you want it shaded just ask, if you don't ask it probably won't be shaded.

That's it if you read through that all thank you, if you didn't, I can't blame you I also skip authors notes.

Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed it!!!