I just had a horrible dream

This one definitely gets a spot next to my top most terrifying dreams which I will name at a later date

I was going to die.

I had one week.

Sam and Dean were driving me around and I kept crying so Dean made fun of me a lot but Sam always helped and at one point I aksed Dean if he actually seriously hated me and he said "Lana, Sam and I both love you like a sister and we're both very sad you're leaving" and he gave me a hug and I cried a lot

They asked me where I'd like to go, and I told them that I would like to be with my mom and my aunt at home

I then messaged an old friend

"I'm dying, Gio"

"What is it now"

"I am literally dying Gio and I wanted you to know that I love you and I miss you"

"Haha"

I cried again because he thought I was joking from how many times I say "I'M DYING LMAO"

I think I messaged him because I didn't want to die without kissing anyone or having sex but he made me feel really bad which is probably a real life indicator that it's time to let go

One of the scary things was that some people acted like I wasn't dying and they carted me around, wasting what precious

time I had left

My aunt took me to a place that sort of looked like a toy drive

In one of the big boxes were two Hello Kitty dolls, exactly alike, except one was well made and the other looked like it was distorted in the factory

I found my old pink baby blanket in the corner of the box under a plank of wood and I cried all over it (it smelled foreign, it smelled like the box) and I apologized to it for not being a toddler anymore

On the last day, I realized that I didn't like the idea of reincarnation

I don't want my soul to be a different person

I don't want to change

I want to be me forever

I want to believe in Heaven

I realized on the last day, for real, that I did not want to die.

My family was around me, holding my hands as i looked up at them from a bed or the floor or something

They were smiling at me

And I closed my eyes

And I died.

I woke up in the position I went to sleep in irl, on the love seat under my quilt with my mom sitting on the longer couch across the way

"WHO AM I??"

she looked at me like she had been expecting this

I was eleven years old again with a loose tooth in the back, a straight A student who was perfect and only cried when it was important and relevant, a girl who thinks supernatural is a mediocre show and that benestick comborswat looked like an alien

She now had the soul of a fifteen year old who cried at least once a day and who didn't care about school and who thought wearing brown eyeshadow like dirt was attractive and practical

"Tell me about me"

My mother told me all about eleven year old Alanas' achievements

I went into my room. It was the same, but all slightly flipped and rearranged differently

All my pillows were arranged in such a fashion that looked more pretty than comfortable and I couldn't believe I could do such a thing

I could still draw, but my art style was foreign and I hated it, I wanted my old one that took me fifteen years to perfect

My mother told me that my father was the same man as before because she missed me a lot and needed a new me

This new girl doesn't have an eating disorder

Or anxiety

She's better than I am

But I hate her

And don't want to live as her with her lame friends and her ugly art and her poor taste and her goodie-good reputation

I cried even more because I have to go to more school and I have to go through middle school all over again

Instead of my birthday being April 21, it was April 15

I wasn't a Taurus anymore

I was an Aries

I couldn't be an Aries

I can't ever be an Aries

Then suddenly I was holding this project for math class and my mother and sister were there to watch me present

I was obviously very good at math

But this new soul inside Alanas had no idea what the numbers meant and her anxiety was making her freak out

((it's ten-thirty in the morning again and the man is revving his motorcycle in the hall wow this better not become a thing))

Suddenly I panicked

I didn't know how old I should say I was

Am I eleven

Am I fifteen

Am I Alanas

Am I Lana

Who am i

Do I play this girl

Am I the person I was before

I don't want to be eleven

My mother screamed at me, something she never, ever does

She screamed at me to stop crying because I had a job to do

She wasn't the same either

No one was the same

Everyone was slightly different

My younger sister looked like an empty shell and all she did was sleep and groan and look ahead

My mother slapped me as I screamed

"I DON'T KNOW MY OWN AGE I DON'T KNOW MY OWN NAME I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM"

I woke up then for real and I've been crying the whole time I've been writing this

My body hurts and I'm exhausted from all that

I love my current life and my current face and age and style and mother and sister and aunt and uncle and I even love the man with the motorcycle and I want it to be this way forever

I now feel strange and everyone else is strange and it feels like my soul literally left my body to teach me a lesson and now it's back and I'm still going through withdrawals from the experience

Nothing seems to matter right now

Nothing can make me feel worse than this experience did

I am a changed person

This changed me a little