Waking the next morning, John felt an intense buzzing in his stomach, a combination of nerves and excitement feeling like a swarm of bees. Today was the day. Aureus was going to drive him to the doctor's office, and he would then receive his first set of hormone treatments. His legs were like jelly as he got out of bed and made his way to the shower.

Examining his face in the mirror, he saw that he was still faintly flushed, his skin a little painful to the touch. He knew he'd need far more than only one laser session, but he thought that he could see a little improvement. Shaving wasn't going to be an option today, anyway; he was too sensitive.

He was already in the shower before he realized he'd just looked deliberately into a mirror. Of all things, this was the one that made an impact on him. Whatever others might say about his not being normal, about wanting to become a woman being unnatural or weird or strange, the pure fact that he could glance at himself in a mirror confirmed to him he was normal. Something he hadn't been able to do since he was a small child, he'd done with no thought at all. Life without those little defensive measures made him normal, and that made him happy.

He was whistling as he went into the kitchen.

"Very ladylike," Aureus said.

"Being a woman doesn't necessarily mean being a lady," John pointed out.

"Fair point," said Aureus. "But it generally does mean putting up with people pointing out when you're not being a lady."

"Touché."

"You're sounding happy. Feeling confident?"

He nodded and smiled. "Very."

She handed him a box of cereal. "Good. It's pretty exciting."

He poured himself a bowl and reached for the milk. "And scary and exhilarating and terrifying and wonderful and everything else as well."

Aureus laughed. "I think the sooner we get you some of those hormones, the better. Though I'm not sure hormones do much for settling emotion."

John munched down a mouthful of cereal. "Well, we're about to find out."

***

The doctor's office was brightly lit, the waiting room cheerful, and John simply couldn't sit down. He paced the floor, reading posters, picking up brochures and magazines and putting them down again, unread. He imagined it was like waiting to get married or waiting for a baby to be born—that knowledge that life was about to change forever, but still the need to continue with normal things like eating and walking and thinking. Aureus was silent, and he knew she was still a little uncomfortable with his decision, though she was supportive. He loved her for putting her own beliefs and ideas to one side to be there for him.

"John Bird."

The receptionist announced his name, and with a last look at Aureus, who gave him a warm, brave smile, he followed the young woman into an examination room.

"The doctor will be with you shortly," the receptionist said, closing the door on her way out.

He hopped onto the bed, paper crackling under him. He was truly shaking now and had to take deep breaths. It was excitement, not fear.

"Ah, Mr. Bird."

The doctor was a tall man, slightly stooped, his hair thinning on top. He swung a rolling chair around and sat on it, facing John on the bed.

"Now, I've been through all your paperwork, and everything looks fine. Your psychologist is satisfied this is the right choice for you and confirms you're a great candidate. Your preliminary blood work looks great, you're in good shape, and there's no reason your treatment schedule shouldn't go wonderfully."

The chair creaked and rolled as he crossed his legs. John was silent, waiting to hear what was going to come.

"I do need to make clear what the effects and changes are going to be, as well as discuss a couple of treatment options with you, though. Shall we get started?"

John nodded, relieved that the doctor was not going to put him through any grilling about what he was doing. It seemed his choice was not being questioned, and it made him confident that this doctor was the right one for him.

"I'm going to start off by giving you hormone injections. You'll get a combination of drugs, and I'll make sure the names are written for you in case you need the information later," the doctor said, flicking through his medical notes. "In basic terms, you'll be getting a female hormone to make you more feminine as well as something to suppress male hormones in your system. Clear?"

"Yes," John said. He knew this much from his sessions with Tony.

"Okay, so what can you expect?" The doctor sat back on his chair. "When I say the female hormones will make you more feminine, it's exactly what I mean. You will begin to develop breasts, though it will take around two years for them to fully develop. Two to three months in, you'll probably find that your breasts are sore or tender. The effect is perfectly normal. In addition, the distribution of fat in your body will also change, with fat settling more around the hips and buttocks, which gives a more female shape, though this again is going to take a while to complete. You'll find your skin becomes softer and body hair reduces slightly, but you won't lose all body hair. Your testicles will also shrink, though they won't disappear. All good so far?"

John nodded again. There was nothing unexpected in what the doctor was saying.

"There are a few other things you need to know. First, your voice will not change. You have passed through puberty, and hormones will not change the pitch or depth of your voice, though you can change these through practice and training. You will also not lose facial hair. Most patients choose to go through laser or electrolysis treatment for this."

"I've already started," John put in.

"Good, good," the doctor said. "Now, there are some health warnings we need to go through. As you can probably guess, the hormone treatment is going to make you infertile. I assume you've been through this effect with your therapist?"

"Yes." Tony had warned him of this and had brought up the option of freezing sperm so he could have a biological child at a later date. For John, procreation wasn't an issue. As much as he loved family, even children, he had decided he'd rather adopt if he wanted a child.

"Good. You'll also need to be on the lookout for cardio problems. The female hormones you're receiving do increase the likelihood of heart issues, though we rarely see them. But should you have chest pain or notice swelling in your legs, you'll need to go immediately to the hospital."

"Understood," said John.

"Perfect," the doctor said with a smile. "You've signed all our forms, and you know exactly what's going on. How about we get you that first shot?"

"Yes, please."

His voice was dry and cracked. The doctor swabbed the his thigh with cold fluid, and readied the syringe that had been prepared, the point of the needle hovering over his thigh. Now. It was now. As the needle slid in deep into the muscle and the plunger slipped down, he was absolutely and completely sure this was the right thing. He closed his eyes for a moment, savouring the stab of pain as the mark of a new beginning.

"Right. So treatment options," the doctor said, putting the syringe down and removing his gloves. "You're going to need to set up weekly appointments for your injection for the first three months. It gives us a chance to see how your body is reacting to the hormones and to change the regime if things aren't working quite as we'd like. There is the possibility of adverse reactions, though they're not common."

"And after the first three months?" John asked.

Not that he minded coming to the office every week. If it was what he had to do, then he'd do it. But the doctor implied there were other choices.

"Right. So treatment options," the doctor said, putting the syringe down and removing his gloves. "We need to decide the best way for you to get your hormones, and there are a few options. You can take pills, but you're going to need to take them every day, so it's not the most convenient solution. It is, however, the one that gets the best insurance coverage. We can get you a transdermal patch, which is basically a Band Aid you stick on your skin that will dose you with your drugs. Again, not especially convenient, since you'll have to stay on top of changing the patch. My preferred option would be to give you an implant. The method is relatively new, but it works in much the same way as a woman's birth control implant. We'll do a small in-house surgery, place the implant, and then you'll have nothing to worry about for a couple of months until it needs changing."

"Wow, that sounds pretty amazing," John said, surprised.

The doctor smiled. "It is. And it's a great option, since you don't need to worry about remembering drugs every day. It's not incredibly well-covered by insurance, though. So before you make your decision, you might want to check on prices and to see if your insurance will cover it. Otherwise, you may have to pay outright for it."

"I understand."

He'd already decided. It was going to be the implant, no matter how much he had to pay for it. He thought he'd feel much more like a woman if he didn't have the constant reminder of taking drugs every day to bring him back to his old life.

"Great. Then I'll see you again next week for your next shot. Don't hesitate to call the office if you feel any side effects or if there's anything at all you're worried about."

John smiled. It was that simple. Once more, he felt a small, irritated niggling at the back of his mind. Why hadn't he done this before? Why had he lived in such pain for so long? He jumped off the table and shook the doctor's hand before going to reclaim Aureus from the waiting room.

As soon as he saw her, he swept her up in a big hug.

"I'm guessing things went well," she said, her voice and laugh muffled in his shirt.

"Very well. Now, you need to take me home, because we've got things to do."

"We do?" she asked, pulling out of the hug and looking at him, confused.

"Yep. Come on."

As soon as the needle had gone in, as soon as he'd felt the rightness of what was happening to him, he'd decided. Today was his last day as John.

***

"You're totally sure you're ready for this?" Aureus asked him, surveying his bedroom.

"Yes. It's now. I don't want to live in limbo anymore, and at some point I'm going to have to make the transition. It's what I want, and I've never been so sure of anything in my life."

Aureus picked up a pair of old jeans and stuffed them into the trash bag she held in her other hand. "It's not going to be perfect, you know?" she said.

"I know," he said, pushing a male shirt into the trash bag. "There are things I necessarily have to keep. My razor, for one. A few other things. But I want the break to be as complete as possible. I don't want to be a public man again. Ever."

"We have a lot of work to do." Aureus sighed. "I mean, for one thing, we've got to get you a decent haircut."

"I've been thinking about that, too," said John, piling more clothes onto the bed. "Shall we hit the hairdresser tomorrow?"

Aureus laughed. "You've got a lot left to learn," she said, unfolding another trash bag. "You'll need to make an appointment at least a couple of weeks ahead for a decent hairdresser. But I've got a friend. I'll see what I can do."

When everything had been bagged, they hauled the stuff into the back of the car, and Aureus drove them both to the local Goodwill, where they donated the bags.

John had always believed in rituals, so on the way home, they stopped and picked up a bottle of champagne.

"My treat," he said.

Back in his cleared bedroom, he closed the door to prepare himself. Stripping off his jeans and t-shirt, he took a quick shower. Then he carefully dressed himself, pulling on jeans and a blue blouse before gently applying makeup to his still-sore face.

Once done, he looked into the mirror and smiled at himself. His real self. This was him. Always and forever. He bundled up his old clothes, grabbed the metal trash can from his room, and went to find Aureus.

"Not quite yet," he said, as she reached for the bottle of champagne. "First, this."

He pulled her up by the hand and dragged her from the apartment and out into the parking lot. Without a word, he placed the trash can on the tarmac and pulled a lighter from his pocket. Aureus grinned in understanding. The bundle caught immediately, and they both took a step back.

John took Aureus's hand and watched as the flames flickered and grew. Smoke began to stream from the fire, twirling up and dissipating in the clear air. And he knew that the smoke was John. Standing silently, they watched until the fire consumed all, and the smoke dwindled. Only then did Joyce let go of Aureus's hand.

"He's gone," she said.

Aureus nodded. "He's gone."

"A drink?"

Aureus held out her hand again, and they slowly walked to their apartment. Joyce turned back once, thinking that she saw a small plume of smoke still drifting high up in the sky, and she smiled. Today was the first day of the rest of her life, and she was so filled with happiness that she thought she might explode. Aureus squeezed her hand.

"Come on, Joyce. Let's go open that champagne."