As promised, the popcorn and drinks were on me. The monetary exchange made it seem more like a date. While waiting in line, Mona leaned into me, her body pressed against my side as she held my arm. I froze. Stopped breathing, blinking, thinking, and existing on this earthly plain.

"Don't worry about the candy," she whispered. "I got us covered." She winked as loud as a person could and it freed me from my ice prison, melted by her warm smile. A giddy little butterflies fluttered around my stomach.

Following Mona to the theater, she explained the benefits of sitting in higher up seats that were off to the side in the style of a persuasive essay, which is, in fact, my love language. I gobble up every word, greedy for the thoughts in her head. It'd be good to memorize this if there was a chance, we'd do this again. Besides, anyone willing to resolve me of decision making was already on my good side.

If I ask Elena or Skipper what they wanted to eat and they'd say "anywhere's fine", it makes me want to get run over by my own car.

We weren't the first people inside and we definitely weren't the last. More people came than I assumed, but I wasn't the expert on movies, old movies, or being at the theater in general. We waited until the movies came out online, because my dad always said they were a waste of money.

My hand bumped into Mona's on my way to the top kernels, and my eyes met hers. Grinning, I plucked the most buttery looking one and offered it to Mona. Matching my smile, Mona expected the gift and popped it into her mouth. "How did you know?" She whispered again, sitting so close to me. "That's the one I wanted."

She was so pretty it made my heart want to slam into my ribcage. Her charms were so natural, they made me feel emotionally stupid. With nothing cool to say back, I just shrugged nonchalantly and raised my eyebrows.

The lights dimmed in the theater and the commercials started playing, but no one had stopped talking. I glanced around again, still surprised by the amount of people around. A commotion at the front stole back my attention as a group of people were cursing quietly and giggling over spilled popcorn and shoving each other inside.

One guy out of the pile looked up. A blush slapped across my face, and I hunkered down in my seat, along with my stomach, so he might not see me. Michael. Michael Stratus. It was like getting punched in the face by the ghost of Christmas past. My sister Jess was friends with so many people that I've forgotten most of their faces.

Not Michael. I'd recognize him anywhere. Our parents loved him. He was at my house for all my family's gatherings, from Fourth of July barbeques to Christmas and birthdays. My aunts joked that Jessica Summers might've found a high school sweetheart that maybe her initials would never have to change.

So, when I lost my sister, I kind of lost a brother too.

He didn't have a reason to come over anymore without her.

Shifting even lower in my seat, I tried to become as small as possible. Mona gave me a funny look, and I thought my face was going to melt off. "These seats are comfy," I blurted.

A little puff of laughter shook out of her, and she joined me, teasing me and pretending to be surprised. "They are."

Michael and his friends didn't walk far inside or up, choosing something closer to the screen that would accommodate everyone. My heart was shaking, beating ten thousand miles per minute. I couldn't believe it. He looked exactly the same. Down to the same blue and white rugby shirt I've seen him wear a million times. The same yellowing sneakers.

His hair.

Everything was unfortunately the same. I couldn't stop staring at the top of his head, dreads ripping through my veins as I begged every God known to mankind that he didn't turn around and recognize me. Maybe I was at least different enough. I was older. Time had worn me down. I had short hair. Maybe that was enough.

Man. Kidding myself felt really great.

The movie started when I didn't notice a romance playing during my live horror movie experience. I was having fun, if your version of fun was getting pricked by needles and stubbing your top into the corners of coffee tables. Couldn't stop worrying about Michael. Michael seeing me. Michael asking about Jess. Michael noticing Mona. Recognizing Mona for all the wrong reasons. Asking questions. Me forced to lie more. Spewing out all these lies was burning my throat.

Every laugh made me jump, and I had to push myself to join in, trying to match my reactions to the room. Meanwhile, I was scratching the side of my thumb raw, picking at a loose piece of skin there until I could feel the bite of pain and a blob of blood seeped out. That made me panic more, curling my thumb into my palm so Mona wouldn't notice.

I just tried to quiet the noises in my head.

My eyes pinned on the swirl in Michael's hair.

Mercy came as the lights flooded back and the room filled with chatter. "I love that movie," Mona said, blissfully sighing. Still sunken with me, she turned to me, her blue eyes so big, I wanted them to drown me. "We did good. We saved our candy for the next feature."

"That's right," I stapled a smile to my face. Smiling through all the blood draining from my face. I forgot this was a fucking double feature.

She asked, "Do you need to go to the bathroom?"

"Um, uh no," I said.

"Okay. I'm gonna run. Do you mind refilling our drink?"

"No, I got it. Leave it to me. No problem."

Mona laughed. "I believe you."

My wide eyes darted to the front row and all my blood went ice cold. Michael was gone. I snapped my head back and forth, searching for him, but he was really gone. Now he was just somewhere. Somewhere here, sharing the air that was getting hard to breathe in. Mona tugged my jacket. "Let's go, Summers."

I got up, keeping my eyes peeled everything. I didn't want to be surprised. I walked Mona to the bathroom and the moment she turned the corner; I popped my hoodie up over my head and pushed through the crowd to refill our drinks. No Michael. No sign of him.

"Where did he go?" I muttered. This was a tiny theater. How did a man his size just evaporate? Jump scares didn't work if I was expecting them? Letting out a breath, I took off my hood and turned for the bathrooms.

"Zoey?"

I stopped.

"Zoey Summers? Is that you?"

I turned.

Michael was smiling at me, and I couldn't control the swell in my throat or the burn in my eyes. I cursed the universe, small movie theaters, and June 21st, the day I was born.

Michael's hair was purple again. The very last time I saw him, he had blue hair, and I had hoped it was still blue or he went all the way back to brown again, but no. It was the worst color it could be. Purple. Bright neon purple hair. He had more tattoos, one somewhat visible, an art palette with primary colors. Some watercolors.

"Hey, Michael," I said, and he opened his arms for a hug that I surrendered myself to. He squeezed me tight, and I thought this might be a good time to fake passing out. That'd be easy. For a few seconds, I'll pass out. Then, I could just request to go home. But I need to do it right now, if I'm gonna commit.

"What's up?" How are you?" He asked.

"I'm uh, good. How are you doing?"

"My best, as always."

Once, to me, it was so annoying that he would always reply. And now, the big baby I am, wore it like a baby blanket. I'm suddenly a freshman getting my long hair braided by Jess while we talked over the Bachelorette and Michael was coming in with much needed fast food. Staying awake until 3 AM playing Mario Party and sneaking warm beers away from dad.

"I'm back!" Mona announced and I'm back in the present. She joined my side, interlocking her arm around my mine. She looked up at Michael, now knowing this man exists. "Oh, uh hi!" She waved.

"Hey," he said and offered her a handshake in his boy next door kind of way. "It's nice to meet you."

"Do you know each other?"

"For sure. I'm—" His voice catches as he buffered and needed to reset "—I was Jess's boyfriend. Um, Michael."

He was using past tense. That weirdly hurt.

"Jess?" Mona tilted her head. She looked at me, but Michael answered.

"Uh, Jessica. Zoey's sister."

"Oh, cool," Mona said, her usual tone an octave higher, which pained my ears as much as my soul. She tensed against me and put on a good show of realizing what he meant, but she looked at me again because Michael didn't know, but we knew I never told Mona about Jessica's existence. For so long, it was like I made Jess up. Like she was an imaginary friend from my childhood, but she wasn't. Michael reminded me how very real Jessica Luanne Summers.

"This is Mona. We're on a date," I said, trying to move the conversation along.

"Well, I won't keep you," he said. "Just good to see you. Honestly, I'm impressed your mom let you come here."

"Uh, she thinks I'm at a friend's studying."

Mona looked at me again. Really looked at me, searching through the overgrown parts of me, cutting through the weeds to find the small dead flower at the bottom of the mess.

Michael laughed. "That sounds about right. I'm just home for the weekend. SCAD is kicking my butt, but I'm learning a lot."

"You go to SCAD?" Mona asked.

"Yeah." Michael brightened. "It's great. I thought the drive home wouldn't be bad, but I never come during the week." He laughed again. "Are you interested?"

"I'd love to stay in state."

"Well, if you need advice, just ask Zoey to hit me up."

Mona smiled this entire time. Frozen in it, but I could see the wheels in her brain spinning furiously. "Okay, I will be thankful."

"Anytime. Hey, nice to meet you." Michael looked at me again. "Good to see you, Zoe. Wow. It's been so long," Michael said, keeping the fire lit, like he was desperate to keep the conversation alive. "I hear you're in soccer. That's crazy. Back when you went to Jess's games, I had to drag you. Are you any good?"

"I'm pretty good."

"You're still a fast runner, right? Are you playing a winger on the team?"

"No, uh forward."

"Wow. Sister like sister. I almost didn't recognize you with your hair that short. I like it."

"Thanks Michael. Maybe I'll see you around," I lied, so he'd go away.

He knew it. "See yah around."

"Anytime." Michael patted my shoulder as he strolled away from the absolute wreckage he left behind. "Good to see you, Zoe."

"You too," I said, watching him leave the theater. Right out the front doors. I watched him get smaller and smaller until he was gone. The thought that might be the last time I ever saw him ripped opened an already infected scab. People just go, don't they? They just get in their cars and leave. I had a feeling if I tried something like that, I'd be broken down on the side of the road right in front of the town's goodbye sign.

Mona grabbed some popcorn from the fresh bowl. She said, her voice so steady, "You never told me you have a sister."

"She's not really around anymore," I said.

"Older or younger?"

"Older."

"Did you get along?"

"I thought so."

"Where is she?"

"Not sure," I said, not wanting to get into my secret message from my grandma telling me about a place Jess lived, not wanting to admit I'm the greatest coward alive.

"Okay."

"Don't tell anyone," I begged.

"Skipper and Elena don't know about your sister?"

I froze up again. That wasn't what I was begging for. I didn't want her to tell anyone that I wanted to go out with a girl with purple hair that was an art student when my sister dated the exact person with a gender and sexuality swap. I didn't want her to tell anybody that I was copying Jess in soccer, in the MVP title, in dating, and in life. I didn't want her to tell the universe I was a nothing, empty girl filling myself with recycled pieces of someone else's life.

I said, "They know about Jess, but not that she ran away."

"Wow..." We found our way back to our seats, and I was sitting at full attention like someone shoved a ruler up the back of my shirt. She slumped back, deeper than before. "So, she ran away... I don't know why, but I have it in my head. You have to be a little kid with a rolling luggage bag for that."

"Yeah... it's weird."

"Are you okay?" Mona sat up.

"I'm..." I looked down at her and knew my smile was coming off sadder than intended. "I'm fine. She left like at the end of my freshman year."

"Do you miss her? Do you think about her a lot?"

I shifted. This was the first time I talked about Jess since she disappeared. At least out loud. I think about her all the time. I think about her when I wake up and I can't find her stuff all over the bathroom. I think about her when I pass her locked bedroom door. I think about her when I get in the car, and I try to imagine what she felt the day she backed out of the driveway. I wonder if she looked back or if she regretted not waking me up to say goodbye.

It was hard to miss her when she was never really gone.

I thought about her when I kicked a ball into the goal and my team started losing their mind. Was this how she felt too? Was this not a good enough feeling to stay? I thought about her at school and saw the same twinkle in other people's eyes looking at me, the same way they looked at her and I wondered why they weren't enough? Why wasn't anything I had enough for her? Was her life so much better now?

"I do," I whispered, tears pricking the corners of my eyes. This was so humiliating. My first date with a girl and I was crying. My dreams of being a cool lesbian slipping from my grasps.

The lights flickered, and Mona sat back up. She whispered, "Do you want to go? We can go if you want."

Panic zipped through me like a bolt of angry lightning. "No, no, no," I said. "I wanna stay. I wanna finish our date."

There it was. The look of pity for the person who lost her sister, who ran away, and she was pathetic enough to finish a date even though she was obviously having a mental breakdown.

The next movie went on as if my life wasn't imploding and I couldn't enjoy that one either. I then took Mona on an awkward ride home. She held my hands on her front porch. The curtain of the day dropped, and the golden light from her porch only illuminated. The swing creaked against the wind. These few minutes standing outside made my ears and nose so cold they burned.

"What do you like?" Mona asked me. She squeezed my hands, keeping me from running down the street as fast as I could. "What makes you happy?"

"I like being outside. I used to jog all the time."

"On our next date, if you want one, let's go on a picnic. Let's go hiking," she offered.

"I got a second date?" I asked.

"Only if you want one. I want one."

"I want one," I echoed, and she let my hands go, moving them to my face. And they were so wrong, I thought I'd melt like ice in the summer. She rubbed my cheek, and I don't know how my face was arranged, but her brow pinched just a moment before she pulled me into a hug. I bent down, her arms tangled around my neck. Sniffling against the cold, I held her back, pulling her close so I could steal a little of that warmth.

And she left it at that. We said goodnight, and she walked back into her house. I got into my car and held my steering wheel. Late at night, the roads were empty. All I saw was a straight shot down an empty road.

Three years ago, Jess came home from college. I knew something was off with her. Me and my parents went out to do errands and go out to eat, but Jess said she didn't feel well and stayed home. After dinner, Jess and I cuddled up on the couch and watched a nature documentary just to have something on in the background.

Jess braided my hair as she asked me all kinds of questions about my freshman year of school. My hair used to be elbow length. Jess loved to braid it. Loved to curl it. Play with it like I was her little doll. She had dreams of dying a strip red because of our school colors.

Somewhere during the night, I fell asleep.

When I woke up, Jess was gone.

We discovered she stayed home while we were gone to clear her bedroom. Jess's bedroom was a shell of its former self. Like she had sucked all the life out of it and left behind an empty skeleton of dusty furniture and little pinholes in the wall.

Now I can't sleep at night, terrified something was going to happen again.

Couldn't feel the hair at the bottom of my neck or I'd want to peel off my skin.

Sitting in my car, I forced myself to relax my knuckles and slowly watched the white fade. I took a deep breath, noticing the tears pricking around my eyes. I pressed my forehead against the wheel and focused on breathing.

Jess's voice in my head, "Breathe, Zoe. Breathe. Stop holding your breath. You need to be able to live."

I started driving, rolling a little faster than normal to the end of Mona's neighborhood. I turned my blinker on; the clicks popping in and out during the quiet of night, the little yellow light illuminated the trees like camera flashes. My good sense fizzled at the top of my head. I could really go anywhere. I could go anywhere.

A small honk jolted me out of it, and I fumbled with my phone to put my home address in and started for home. I noticed a flood of texts from Elena and Skipper asking how the date was going, how it went, and what was happening.

Great questions. Wish I had the answers. 



AUTHOR'S NOTE

Howdy friends~! This book still have ✨ first draft vibes ✨BUT I think I'm closer to figuring things out. I wanna add/adjust earlier letter, punch up Zoey's personality, and maybe a couple of touches here and there. However, we've got a new chapter!!! We have the conclusion to the date... and met some old friends. Oops. 

We got the rest of the story from Zoey and Mona's found out a little more about Zoey than she expected. Hmm. Do you think this changes everything or nothing? How do you think Zoey's going to continue on with the challenge? Is there someone she can reach out to for help?? 

If you like this book, please consider checking out my others! They're all queer, strange, and fun~! I swear ;)