A/N: Finally, Frankie is getting it, the big lug

François

Gray comes around again on Monday, and I'm feeling calmer about things, marginally. I think Ellis and I have had a good week, although I've noticed he flinches a lot around me, something which I hadn't even noticed until I stepped back from being so demanding. Without the distraction of making assumptions about his feelings and coming up with, what I now realize were, constant punishments, I feel more able to see him and recognize his emotions. It hurts, a lot, that he has so much fear of me, and I'm left wondering why he's even stayed so long, though more determined than ever to put my mistakes right.

"So, how has the week been?" Gray cuts to the chase, as is his way, seated comfortably in my favorite armchair in the den, his deep brown eyes regarding Ellis and I, next to each other on the couch, appraisingly.

"Are we allowed to have sex yet?" I laugh: god, Ellis is the cutest thing. It's slightly embarrassing though – not the words: I don't think I've been embarrassed talking about sex with Gray since I was twelve – it's the fact that Ellis and I haven't talked about it, at all, this last week. We've spoken, but I'm afraid I've veered away from anything too deep; too liable to cause conflict.

Ellis asks if he can sit close to me, and I see Gray beaming like a proud mother, I suspect at the fact that we aren't using formal D/s names. Ellis has been calling me Suzu all week, and if I'm honest, I freaking love it. It sounds so sexy with his slight Southern twang that I've been hard constantly around him, and it isn't only because of the sex ban.

We can proudly tell Gray that Ellis has been spending time with his friends, and that we've been spending time with each other doing fabulously normal things. I took Ellis jogging in Central Park three times during the week, because he'd been missing it, and it was amazing, partly being out in the open giving a sense of freedom (even if Connor and his PPO partner were jogging ten yards behind us), but mainly seeing the joy in Ellis' face. We went out for coffee and for meals, and even to the theater. If our topics of conversation were safely around Ellis classes and our friends and our hobbies, and far away from difficult things like our emotions, then so be it, and perhaps Gray doesn't need to know that right now. I'm working on it. He tells us we're doing well and he's proud of us, which makes me feel a little as though I've just received a 'You're a star!' stamp from my kindergarten teacher, but I'll take that over any alternative – Gray is scary when he's pissed.

Gray doesn't completely stay away from difficult questions, though – he wouldn't be my best friend if he did.

"Frankie, how have you felt not being allowed to correct Ellis?"

"I won't pretend it didn't feel weird for a few days, trop etrange. I accidentally reprimanded him more than once for something, but then I had to apologize when I realized what I'd done, and that felt...unnatural, at first. But then it started to feel more normal to explain fully to Ellis why I didn't like something, rather than to expect him to realize himself and simply punish."

"So, think about it, how many incidences have you had where, before this week, you would have punished Ellis as his Dom?"

I think for a few minutes, counting out the occasions.

"Twelve." I see Gray's face twitch, and feel as though I just got the 'See me' stamp instead.

"Is that how many times per week you've been punishing him, before?"

"No, there's been more because Ellis hasn't been submissive. It was about five per week before."

Gray looks annoyed, though he looks warmly at Ellis so I know this is purely aimed at me, and has nothing to do with how many rules Ellis has broken.

"So, right now, thinking about those incidences from this week where you weren't allowed to punish him, how many do you, now, still wish you had been able to punish him for?"

That's easy, there was only the one time...and now I see what Gray's doing, I think – breaking it down like this is helping me see how quick to anger I've been being with Ellis, how quick to punish without discussion, or even understanding.

The speed with which I realized that, out of all of those incidences, only one was actually severe enough to truly warrant a punishment means I've not been operating with my sub's wellbeing at the forefront. And, if I'm honest, the ease with which I let go of some of the other incidences, which, before this week, would have counted as behavioral infringements – speaking out of turn, eye contact, bad language, and the like – suggests to me that maybe I'm not quite as tied up in that stuff as I'd thought. I'm strict, but maybe having Ellis around me all the time means I don't want the same kind of 'little automaton' submission I would have expected from my previous, part-time subs.

The thing that happened – when Ellis got all silly and giddy and almost got himself hit by a cab crossing the road – would have led to a severe penance, and I can see that Gray agrees with my assessment. More important to me, and I think to Gray too, is that Ellis agrees. He was in tears after it happened and, even if he didn't get a punishment, I felt the connection between us as I held his shaking body to me and comforted his fears. When we got home, I had to do some yoga with him, just to calm him down, as he wouldn't stop begging for a punishment.

It really made me think, when it happened, and now too, that maybe I should listen to Gray more often. Ellis showed me that he's fully enough tied into the lifestyle to be capable of determining appropriate behaviors and being honest about need for rectification – I should have always been following this subtle, natural guidance from my sub in how to treat him, for a more fulfilling relationship.

Gray metaphorically pats me on the back when I reveal what I've learned about punishment being a joint venture between Dom and sub, and I'm back to feeling like teacher's pet.

"Now, Frankie, after the restaurant..." Gray doesn't finish the sentence, but I know where he's going.

"Ellis and I discussed the threat. He understands we need to keep Connor around."

"Okay, but that isn't what I was going to say. It's clear that you're beginning to learn something about what your role is in Ellis' life, as his Dom, and as his boyfriend, but it's equally clear to me that you aren't going to consolidate what you're learning if you continue to refuse to talk about the difficult subjects."

Damn. It would seem Gray wasn't as oblivious to that avoidance as I'd hoped.

"This week's challenge for the pair of you will be to talk seriously about how you feel. Every time you have those mandated conversations that you're already including into your therapy, you each must say at least one thing about how the conversation, or a topic that you're discussing, makes you feel – explicitly and clearly. And always remember that you never negate someone else's emotions, even if you may not personally agree with them or understand them."

I don't really know why Gray has such a downer on me. He knows exactly how hard I find it to discuss emotions. I love my family, particularly my siblings, but we haven't ever been effusive about our feelings. My father would find it effeminate, and I had enough trouble convincing him I was still a man after I came out. He might be, mainly, okay with it by now, but I've certainly never had a conversation with him about how we feel. Which is why Gray's parting words leave a shiver running through me.

"Get good at this Frankie. Ellis is the most important person in your life, that much is abundantly clear, but you need to learn to talk to him if you want him to stay. Oh, and remember to stay vanilla tonight, bebe, you have four more weeks before you can break out the chips, dips, chains and whips."

I roll my eyes and shut the door behind him. Ellis has already run upstairs and I follow, eager to get my hands on him. He's brushing his teeth when I get to our room, wearing only a very tiny pair of blue and white striped boxers. I can't resist that perfect behind, sliding behind him and cupping it easily in my big hands while I rest my chin on his shoulder, watching him in the mirror. He grins at me, his mouth a foamy mess, before spitting and rinsing.

"Are you coming to bed, Suzu?"

"I am. Let me wash up first. Do you...?" Suddenly I'm blushing like a virgin on their wedding night, not sure how to talk about this stuff if I'm not allowed to demand and instruct.

"I 'want', Suzu, if that's what you're asking?"

"Oui, I need to know you 'want'," I admit. "Before, though- I don't know- I just want to say: I'm sorry. That I didn't tell you about the threats earlier. I was trying to protect you."

"And I appreciate that, Suzu. I love that you look after me. But you can look after me and not keep me in the dark about things that are important. I can trust you to take care of things if you can trust me to hear about them. I don't like feeling as though I'm not important enough. And before you say anything about how important I am that might turn you into a liar, I'm starting what Gray said and telling you that these are my personal feelings about the matter."

I think about what he said while I brush my teeth. How, even if he is the most crucial person in my life, the way I've been treating him has been making him feel some other way. I need him to know how important he is to me, and maybe I can work on that even now, as I ravish his body in the most missionary way I know how.

I leave the bathroom and find him, naked now, laying back against the plump pillows, looking delectable and ready, temptingly running his hands over his chest, twisting at his nipples on the way past, sliding to his cock, already straining and hard, leaking against his flat abdomen. I can just watch him for a while, excited, no, thrilled, to have him like that again. It's been too long since he showed me his needy side, shown me how he writhes with temptation. I've been forcing him to be stoic and careful of every move, and this just reminds me of how stupid that is when he looks so unbelievably delicious this way.

Right from our first night together, a memory that still gives me a tremor of pleasure when I remember how perfectly Ellis gave himself up for me, the sex had been incredible, and when I started training him – to be stretched, and bound, and paddled – he'd loved it, and I'd loved it too. But more than just loving the kink, I'd realized so quickly that I didn't want to live a life that didn't have Ellis in it. Which was why I was so weak, so terrified, when I found out how fragile Ellis was, and then I got scared of his fragility and went over the top in my usual domineering way.

I feel guilty for what I've taken from Ellis with my demands and expectations. I feel thankful for my friends, because I have a feeling it was their support that kept Ellis by my side in the early days, and it might be their support that keeps him there now. He adores Gray like a big brother and is close to a lot of the other subs. I feel like I need to look to them to become a better person for Ellis.

Right now, I'm determined to show Ellis something about what he means to me, but it seems I'm not getting a chance to lead this. Ellis launches himself off the bed and into my arms, pressing his hard body against me, his long arms clinging to my neck.

"Do you want something?" I joke, making sure to keep my voice soft.

"You, Suzu, I want you to make my body sing."

This, I can do. I might have no musical talent at all, other than listening to it, but Ellis is one instrument I can play to perfection.

"Take me, Suzu, fuck me until I can barely walk. I want my thighs to shake, and I want my balls to ache because you've drained them so hard."

I growl, pulling Ellis' legs so they're wrapping my waist, and walk him to the bed, throwing him down with a bounce and boxing him under me. I kiss him, pushing my passion inside, searing our lips together, feeling him respond just like he used to, but I'm beset by sudden uncertainty.

"We have to do this vanilla, I'm not sure I know how to do that."

"I guess you can't spank me, or use any toys, or tie me down." Ellis' worried face doesn't match his sassy words, and I wonder if he's feeling lost in the same way I am, wondering if we still have something without me being aggressively dominant over him.

"I'll work it out, baby," I assure him, and I will. No way am I giving up.

I lower myself down Ellis' beautiful body, kissing and licking the smooth exposed skin until I find his cock, already steel stiff and dripping after the forced celibacy. I run my long tongue along the length, taking it into my mouth, making Ellis buck up, taking advantage of his full freedom to fuck my mouth. It's not something I've ever allowed him to do, but he's taking the lead and I'm happy to let him experience the power of being able to take what he wants, like I do when I hold his hair and slam into his throat, making him gag around my thick length.

I can feel my own cock throbbing as I think these sordid, delicious thoughts. I love controlling Ellis, and I think he loves it too, or used to, but right now I'm determined to make Gray's experiment work. The fact that Ellis is trying too, despite the fact I can see concern in his face beneath the pleasure he's taking from my mouth, makes me fall more in love with my boy than ever.

I slide a lubed finger to his entrance, playing a moment before I slip inside, reluctant to wait a moment longer to claim his supple, eager body. I rise now, coming in for a devouring kiss while I keep working Ellis' hole, tight and unused after a week of hiatus. I don't work him too long, though, know that Ellis can take it – I'm sure that's fine, even vanilla sex can be a little rough, a little forceful, just the way I've always been sure Ellis likes it from me.

I feel my thickness reach the muscle at his entrance, feel it breach sharply, compellingly and without pause, Ellis' body simply having to give way under the delicious attack. He lays back, and I see his eyes flutter as he allows his body to be overwhelmed by these sensations, as I am, having missed them too much, even after only a week, knowing it's about more than the act of conjoining, it's about the partner, and I know we can be that again, we can get there, just as we arrive together now, grunting out releases almost simultaneously, feeling each other's desperate heat.