A/N: you might have noticed, I don't go in for huge opinion-led statements in my A/N or comment feed. If I did, we'd be here all day, especially right now, when everything seems to be going to hell in a handcart, and writing for me is welcome escapism (as is reading). So the only thing I want to say is support those who need it - and if you're the one who needs it I hope with all of my being that you have people around you to offer you that support.

Stay safe, and wherever possible, stay happy.

Ellis

The standing appointment we have with Gray goes well, until Gray starts talking about honesty.

"Frankie, I want you to tell Ellis everything you kept from him."

"What? How do you expect me to remember that?"

"What do you mean, Suzu? You kept so much stuff from me that you can't even remember it all?"

Is it weird that I like the small sense of power I get from the panic that glances across his features? He's actually worried about my reaction. It might not be completely healthy, but it shows me he does care. He isn't letting me go.

"Ellis, I haven't lied to you. Not ever. But there was some stuff if didn't tell you about. Lying by omission, I guess."

"Start with that." Gray is stern but I think he might be pushing Suzu a bit hard.

Regardless, Suzu does something completely unexpected. He kneels on the ground, between my knees – where I usually am – and he tells me how he has always presented an image of confidence and power, but he hasn't always felt that way. About how his father's disgust at what he is affected him more than he's ever admitted to anyone. How his twin brother leaving, because he couldn't bring himself to take responsibility to be the brother who didn't let their father down, the one that all expectation was placed on, how it broke Suzu's heart – because Lucien had been the one person, outside Gray, who he'd thought he could rely on to be there for him. 

How running two demanding businesses sometimes leaves him aching with the pressure, how he feels like he's letting everyone down by not being good enough at any of it, and how these issues he's had with the Russian mafia, and now this unknown threat, have left him in fear that he's losing everything, and how he felt I was one of the things he was losing and it was sending him insane. How Gray insisting he step up and understand how it was affecting me saved him, because he was in danger of doing something too far without even realizing it, but that he's still terrified he already went too far to bring it back.

When he stops, breathless, and gazes up at me with warm but worried brown eyes it's all I can do not to laugh. Not cruelly, but I know he would take it that way, so I have to explain.

"Suzu, what you say...it's so close to how I've been feeling. Different things, of course. I was scared. I haven't been good enough for you. I aint a good sub-,"

"Ellis, baby, you're the best-,"

"C'mon, you don't have to blow smoke. I know you normally had subs who wouldn't make mistakes and wouldn't need punishing anything like as often as I do."

"Ellis, you have to listen. I was wrong to punish you the way I was punishing you. I was constantly taking it too far, I was reacting badly to things I shouldn't have been reacting to. I was going outside what we agreed were the terms of our relationship. I know now, I was being cruel to you. And it was all down to fear. If I'd spoken to you, we would have cleared so much and we'd never have got to that place."

I don't believe him. Oh, I believe he believes. But that's only because he's forgotten how I kept pushing him, even though it was never on purpose. How I kept messing up even when he made it clear what was expected.

"Frankie, I want to talk about what happened that day in your office, when I walked in on you punishing Ellis, and we discussed some matters."

I don't know what day Gray is talking about, but it's obvious Suzu does, because he goes pink.

"Okay, Ellis. You think you were making mistakes. What is our agreement about employment?"

I think. It's been a long time, obviously, since I looked at that contract we made up early on in our relationship. We did discuss, when Gray first started talking to us, some changes to what we do while we're scening – I put a hard limit on whips that day, even though I felt guilty – but we didn't do much about the day-to-day things, because we needed to see the outcome for this therapy thing. Employment...

"I think it says that I'm allowed to work and I discuss any changes I want to make with you before I make a final decision?"

"C'est vrai. But that day, you told me you were playing for someone, and my insecurity got the better of me, and I became upset and I punished you in anger."

He's still pink, and staring at the floor. I remember now.

"Mr Wallard."

"I became jealous, and angry. I told you off, and I punished you, even though you were within your rights, and within the terms of our relationship, because playing at parties was one of things you had been doing for employment."

I chuckle – not because it's funny – remembering how confused and disorientated I'd felt that day.

"Mr Wallard was a bit put out. He even offered to double my payment."

"You should have been allowed. You didn't even have to tell me. It was me who did the wrong thing. I just saw red when I realized how handsome he was, and I thought of him treating you better than I was, knowing he couldn't help but be attracted to you, but instead of making me understand that I needed to treat you better I lashed out."

"I know it's not the point, Suzu. But you could have trusted me. Even if he wasn't old enough to be my great grandfather. It does hurt that you didn't trust me not to cheat on you."

I look over because Gray sounds like he's choking, but then I realize he's actually laughing, hard.

"Okay, I have to," he snorts, pulling his phone out. He turns the screen to me. "This is Mr Wallard?" I nod and he turns it to Suzu, whose brows furrow. "Oh, Frankie, I know you were thinking of Michael Wallard, who is his grandson. But that isn't the point, like Ellis says. You should have trusted him. And it was only your own self that you didn't trust, because underneath it you knew you weren't treating him well enough."

"I do trust you, Ellis. I've been a fool. We'll talk now. Going forward. I promise. About everything."

"Will you let me help?"

"In what way?"

"I know I aint clever, but I'm good with people. Lemme take some of the pressure."

"How many meetings a week do you have with Mike about the subs, Frankie?"

"Usually two every week. Plus meetings with Raoul in the office about the sub memberships and paperwork."

"So put Ellis in charge of that. He can be the conduit between you and the subs. He'll be good at it, and they can get to know you better without you being all growly at them. Plus, he can be in charge of organizing their training. I think he'd be good at that too."

I don't bounce, even though I want to. Suzu is still between my legs and the soft look he's giving me makes my heart melt.

When Gray leaves, Suzu returns and pulls me onto his lap.

"Did you like me down there? On my knees for you?"

"No."

He looks surprised, but relieved too.

"I saw a little Dom come out when we had that scene with Andrei."

"I liked that. But I don't want to be that with you. You're my Dom, and I want you in control. I could get excited about having a little control over other subs, and I aint pretending it didn't make me feel something to have control of Andrei, but I'd rather be on my knees for you than the other way around, when Gray lets us go back to that."

"That's where I want you." I love the growl in Suzu's voice when he says that. I know he has been getting frustrated, not being allowed to scene with me, and so am I, but it's working too well for us to ignore Gray's advice.

"Take me to bed. Make love to me."

Suzu has picked me up and has me half way up the stairs before I've even finished my sentence, and I'm naked on the bed before another thought can form.

"When we can, how do you want our first scene to go?" His words are interspersed with tender kisses up and down my side, so I can't respond for a minute; too busy giggling.

"I want you to spank me, until my skin is warm and pink. That's my only request. The rest of it, I want you to come up with. Do the things you've been missing these last few weeks."

"Can't do that," Suzu huffs breathlessly as he licks up the side of my cock, his strong fingers pressing into the flesh of my ass. "You'd pass out if I did all the stuff I've been missing."

"Maybe I want to pass out. The sex hasn't stopped being amazing, but I've missed the intensity of playing too." I yelp when Suzu's strong tongue pierces me without warning. He only takes little breaks to whisper the things he's going to do to me in one more week, and when he finally sinks his mouth down over my cock, I explode almost immediately; the promise too much to hold back from.