* * * * * 

In the club, Amir and Owen head to the playroom, as ever, and I go to the VIP area to see my other friends. Dexter greets me with a hug, his face lit up by an unusually broad smile. 

"Hey Daddy Gray, how's it going, my man." 

"All good, Dex. What's put you in such a good mood? And don't call me Daddy." 

"Heh. I'm doing a scene with Dae later. We've been working together this week, he's a real firecracker." 

"I thought you two might be a good fit. He needs taming, and I figured you'd be the Dom to do it." 

"It's not that hard really. Too many chilled Doms around here, standards slip." 

"Well lucky you're here to keep them high. Anyway, why'd you call me that?" 

"Daddy? Obvious, I would have thought. You know, there's nothing wrong with developing your repertoire for the right sub." 

"Have you lot been talking about me behind my back?" 

Dex glances at Chase, looking guilty. Chase jumps up and slaps my back jovially. 

"Buddy, we just want to see you happy. You deserve it. You need to stop second guessing yourself. I know you're scared to let go because of what happened with Liam, but not everyone will let you down like he did." 

"Hey, you want my job?" I growl, though I'm not really too pissed, yet. 

These guys are my friends, and I can feel that it's kind of nice that they're trying to have my back. I look out over the dancefloor, spot River dancing with Ellis, their hands sliding over each other, hips thrusting. 

Frankie approaches me and we watch together. 

"Isn't my man the hottest thing you've ever seen?" 

"He's up there, buddy. I'm just glad he makes you so happy." 

I put my arm around Frankie's shoulders – well, almost, they're way too broad. 

"He does. Thanks Gray. For being there when we needed you." 

"I'm just sorry I wasn't there sooner." 

Frankie looks at me with unaccustomed pity in his eyes. I don't like it. 

"You really have to stop beating yourself up over that. And over a lot of other stuff. You can't do everything for everyone you know. Ellis told me you're always asking about Gabriel – you know he's made his decision – it may be la pire idee de tous le temps, but he's a grown man. He had an opportunity to get help from you but he chose not to. 

"Not everyone is Liam." 

"What's that supposed to mean?" I back away from Frankie. 

It's too much, now, I'm beginning to get really sick of hearing Liam's name being used when people are explaining to me why I'm so fucked up. 

"Gray, we all know he broke your heart because you thought you could trust him. And I know you hate that because you want that feeling back. But, we also know that you feel guilty that you didn't help him through whatever it was that made him act so recklessly, for sending him away and refusing to speak to him." 

Shit, have I really been that transparent this whole time? I hate Liam because of how he made me feel, but before that I loved him so fucking hard. And the Liam I loved was not a person who would have just torn my heart out like that, not if he was okay. 

The flashing lights of the club suddenly seem too bright, too piercing. I walk away from Frankie almost blindly, not even sure how I make to the street. I feel drunk, although I haven't touched a drop. Fetu tries to get a cab for me but I wave him off, walking away from all the noise, trying to quiet the noise inside my head. 

I find my way to Central Park and slump onto a bench. The thought of Liam is making my skin feel as though it has fire running along it. I've spent the last few months avoiding thoughts of him, whenever I could. He tried to get in touch after I got home, but I refused all contact. I wasn't going to forgive him so I didn't see the point. I was worried he'd break through my barriers. And he would have done. He was so flawless in every way, the cheeky submissive with just enough fire in his belly, loving and warm and caring, never actually bratty, always fun. 

 * * * * * 

"Hey Sir, can we go to the museum today?" 

"Of course we can, which one?" 

It was our Sunday ritual, croissants and coffee in bed, after the usual bout of mind-blowing morning sex, Liam reading some book on his tablet, me reading a more old-fashioned paper version – a psychiatric medical journal - annotating the margins. 

The bright early spring sunshine pouring through the tall windows and across the white linens on the bed. I couldn't have been any more content than right then, Liam pushing his tablet to one side to snuggle up against my chest, rubbing his nose into me, stroking my sides with his delicate fingers. 

"Mmmm, I feel like some art today. You feel like MoMa?" 

"Always." 

"Thank you, Sir." 

I would have done just about anything to make that boy happy. And he'd have done the same for me, sliding down my body, taking me into his mouth, bringing me to hip shaking completion, lapping until I was hard again, before straddling me, sliding down my length and sensuously riding me until neither of us could hold back any longer. 

"I love you, Sir," he gasped, pushing his face into my neck, licking at the sensitive skin. 

"I love you too, Liam." 

* * * * * 

I hate those thoughts now. No longer being a source of joy, a feeling of being the luckiest person alive. That someone like him would give themselves so completely to me, not now that I know he didn't at all, it was all a lie. He'd temporarily given just as much as he felt like giving, and the moment something he preferred had come along he'd gone for it, selfishly grasping for someone new. 

I won't listen to Frankie though. His idea that I don't need to try to help people. It's my job to do it, but it's more than that. I didn't become a therapist because it seemed like a good route – for money or prestige – I've always wanted to help people. The feeling when Frankie and Ellis found understanding was indescribable – I'd almost say it's a drug for me. 

But it's a drug that's slowly killing me in the form I'm taking it. Working with people I don't care for who have problems I'm apathetic about. Something has to change, but in the meantime I've never stopped thinking about Gabriel. His vulnerability speaks to me. 

I know he's okay – to a very finite level of 'okay'. Ellis has been keeping me informed, letting me know the days when he seems happier, or the days he comes in with a limp, or favoring one side. Sawyer hasn't taken him back into the club lately, and I wonder if he will. 

I'm interested to note, despite my concern, he's keeping Sawyer's interest for far longer than most of his subs do. He usually dismisses them once he's broken them, so presumably Gabriel hasn't broken yet. 

I make my way back to the club, debating whether to approach River as I'd originally intended. One thing Frankie said did hit home. I do want someone I can trust, who I can let myself go with, and someone who's willing to let themselves go with me. I know River, regardless of his beauty, isn't that guy for me, and I don't know if I even want to engage in something meaningless. We both deserve more than that. 

When I get back in the point is moot anyway. River isn't there, and Chase tells me he went off with Xander to a playroom. I'm not surprised, Xander isn't the gushing type, but he did not stop going on about how incredible River had been when he'd been training him. 

I sit down in the VIP area and sip on a bourbon, not really paying attention to the scene that's taking place on the small stage; a Dom lightly whipping his sub, who is bound face first to a St Andrew's cross. I'm in a world of my own when suddenly Landon's laughing face appears in my vision. 

"Hey there buddy, why the long face?" 

"No reason, Lan, sorry, I'm probably not the best company right now." 

"It's okay, Gray, nothing's bringing me down tonight." 

I look at him properly, the huge smile, the sparkle in his eyes. That's a pretty standard reaction to one thing, and I glance around, seeking out Nikolai. Landon grins knowingly at me and moves to the side, revealing Nikolai just behind him, wearing a stylish pale gray soft leather collar with 'His' elegantly stitched into the side. I grin at Landon, pulling him into a hug. 

"Congratulations, Lan, I'm pleased for you. So you're finally going to get a playroom put in that apartment of yours, I assume?" 

"Yup, already got François' guy working on the designs." 

He gestures to Nikolai to come over. 

"Nikki, baby, Master Gray has something to say." 

Nikolai comes over, eyes lowered, and I pull him into a huge hug, much to his surprise. When I let him go, he blushes and stammers his apology to Landon, though Lan pokes me in the chest. 

"Don't worry, baby, it's Master Gray who'll get the punishment for that," but he's laughing as he says it. "Now you're my boyfriend, I'm afraid you'll have to get used to Master Gray being an inappropriate pinhead, though he'll always look out for you." 

"Thank you, Sir," Nikolai's grinning too, and I'm feeling a lot more relaxed all round. 

Landon has worked with submissives over longer periods before – one guy he worked with for almost a year – but not for a while and he's never collared anyone before, and he has always told me he wouldn't collar anyone he wasn't in love with – hence my slightly overexuberant response to seeing Nikolai's new adornment. 

We're sharing a celebratory drink, Nikolai curled up in his customary position on Landon's lap, when I realize someone is trying to get my attention on the other side of the rope barrier. It's Mateo, and he's trying, and failing dismally, to be subtle. I manage not to laugh as I approach him, his face looks so endearingly serious. 

 "Mateo, hello, how can I help you?" 

"Hello Master Gray, do you know where River is?" 

"He's indisposed at the moment. Can I help you?" 

"I don't know," he looks a little desperate now, "I don't know what to do." 

He looks so worried I actually feel sorry for him. I swipe a whiskey from the tray of the waiter passing me, apologizing as he'll have to go get a new one for Chase now, and pass it to the forlorn blond. 

"Come in, Mateo, let's talk." 

He enters the VIP area and slumps down onto an armchair. I sit in the one to the side and watch his face, which seems to be going through a myriad of emotions, none of which he's sure about. 

"Have you ever been in love, Master Gray?" 

I'm taken aback by the personal nature of the question, particularly given the thoughts I was having earlier in the night, but, as I ever strive for, I'm honest in my response. 

"Yes, Mateo, I have." 

"Are you in love with River?" 

"Uh, no, no I'm not. Why?" 

I'm worried now, I mean, training can be pretty intense, but I hadn't taken River to be the over-emotional type. 

"I know I can't be with him. I know I'm not what he wants anymore. I mean, I was once, and then I was too dumb to see it. And now he doesn't want me anymore. I just want to know that he's being looked after. His heart, you know?" 

"Why are you so sure you're not what he wants? Did he tell you that?" 

I could remember the light in River's eyes when he'd looked at Mateo all those weeks ago. 

"He's loved all this submissive stuff. I can't compete with you guys. I wouldn't even know where to start to make him feel the way you can make him feel." 

I shrug, "You could learn. But you should speak to River first." 

As if on cue, Xander comes into the VIP area, River following behind. When River spots Mateo he starts in surprise, clearly wanting to approach. I get up and whisper to Xander to release River and he glances between the two boys, Mateo looking intently, River staring at the floor with tenseness in every line. 

"You may relax, River, do what you wish." 

"Thank you, Master Alexander," River bobs his head and walks over to Mateo, his eyes still down. 

"River," Mateo is looking up and River finally makes eye contact, his beautiful pale eyes glimmering in the low lights. 

"Mateo, why are you here. I thought..." 

"I wanted to see you, River. I needed to talk to you. Come home with me." 

* * * * *

la pire idee de tous le temps = the worst idea in the world