Reminders:

↝ This is unedited so please excuse the errors that you will definitely meet as you read.

↝ Lahat ng mababasa mo dito ay opinyon ko lamang patungkol sa gawa mo. They are subjective but there are also parts na objective.

↝ Make sure to do all of the payments for this. I trust you.

↝ Feel free to correct me if I have said something wrong.

ー ♡ ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ ♡ ー

“ Warmth of Midnight ”
written by lethalINKjection

i. Book Cover

The cover is great pero I can't clearly see it's relevance sa mismong kwento. The image is too powerful para sa plot mo. I-chill natin ng konti though I really like the colors and mood. Everything is good except the fact that the image used is kinda strong (for me). Mas maganda sana if yung image na ginamit is pinoproject talaga yung mga characters. Kahit picture lang ng isang random guy na kumakanta, something like that.

A light cover will do lalo na at under Teen-Fiction naman ang kwento. And I think na yung cover before this one suits better. Very Teen-Fiction ang vibes non at nakaka-picked ng atensyon.

ii. Story Title

I don't have any complains sa title mo. It's figurative and only you could explain it. You know it better that I do. Besides, kita ko naman yung connection niya sa kwento.

I could say na playful ang title since napakalawak nito. Hindi mo talaga malalaman kung ano yung plot o yung takbo ng kwento just by reading it. Nakakaintriga kumbaga.

Actually, it's very typical nowadays. Ito ngayon yung mga trendy na titles and I don't have any grudges to it. May kanya-kanyang spotlight naman ang mga titles just like yours.

iii. Story Description

Honestly, hindi ako napa-wow sa description mo. Walang gaanong excitement dahil una sa lahat, medyo cliche na yung plot. Second thing, weak ito. You made it sounded really boring when in fact, napakaganda ng kwento. Yes, the plot is not unique pero may mga factors parin na kakaiba sa gawa mo at 'yon ang dapat mong ilabas dito.

Now, you have to improve this description. Don't make the readers say, "Ay! Alam ko na 'tong story na 'to." Kailan maintriga sila.

Life has been cruel for both Sienna and Ajax. Naging alipin sila ng mapaglarong tadhana at ang tanging daan lamang nila para makalabas ay ang kanilang pangarap.

Their path crossed as they search for the finish line. Naging sandalan nila ang isa't isa. They found warmth and comfort in the chilling midnight but is it enough for the both of them to stay together?

Will they stay and enjoy the warmth of the midnight or part ways and seek for the end?

Dreams over happiness? Or dream with happiness?

That's an example though. Hindi revealing masyado. Just put the points that you think are interesting. It's kinda hard to connect to the title though but once na nakita mo yung connection, magtutuloy-tuloy na 'yon.

iv. Prologue

I can't really call your prologue as prologue. Maganda siyang pampahype pero hindi siya prologue. Prologue kasi ay yung naganap bago mismo ang kwento. It's a scene na mag-iintroduce sa mismong kwento. In your story pwedeng yung moment na nagkita sila or yung chapter one mo mismo. Iyon yung simula ng kwento, nung pumunta syang club at nameet si Ajax.

Your prologue is more like a teaser. As what I have said, maganda itong pambungad pero hindi simula. Sneak peak ito ng end game ng mga characters and as a reader, gagana ang pagiging curious tsaka na babasahin ang kwento.

Take note lang you don't need to put a 'real' prologue dahil sapat na ito. I'm not saying na gawin mong prologue ang unang chapter. Nasa iyo pa rin ang desisyon. The best thing you could do is to change the title from 'prologue' to 'teaser.' That's just my suggestion.

v. Characterization

Great characterization. Malinaw yung mga katangian nila. Naipakita naman ito sa kwento. I love their vulnerable side. Sobrang nakakarelate kahit hindi ko naman pinagdadaanan yung problema nila. The emotion is there. Their imperfections made the both of them perfect for each other. Ang sarap alagaan ng mga tauhan mo. I wonder kung anong mangyayari sa kanila. You have to be careful sa process ng character development. Binibuild up 'yan at hindi nalang basta-basta ginagawa.

The only thing that I am concern is yung character ni Archie. More generally, kulang sa mga physical description. This actually applies to all of the characters. Put a part na kung saan maipapaliwanag yung physical attributes nila. This could help para mas maimagine ng mga readers yung mga characters.

Going back to Archie, kulang. The first time they met, alam na agad ni Sienna na may sakit siya at ang reason is dahil lang sa may suot siyang bonnet. There is something missing. Hindi lang bonnet ang basehan. What about his appearance? Payat ba? Maputla? Nangangalumata? Take note of those small details 'cause they matter.

vi. Writing Style

Maayos naman ang narration pero nagkukulangan ako. Lawakan pa natin yung paningin natin. Remember small details. How the characters react, talk and moves. As much as possible, ilagay natin sila or better, ipakita basta alam natin na makaka-contribute sa kwento. Nandoon naman na ito but I want you to show more.

• Dialogue Tags

Heto yung mga nakadutong sa dialogue na nagsasabi kung sino yung nagsalita. Observe the punctuations used and the capitalization.

"Hello," bati niya. ー if the dialogue ends in period, change it into comma then attach the tag (small letters).

"Hello!/?" bati niya. ー kung ang dialogue nagtatapos sa '?' o '!', no need to change at idugtong na agad ang tag.

Pwede ka ding mag-aatach ng action. Please do check my other book 'Be Aware' for more details (if you're interested in knowing more).

Another thing is yung paglalagay ng emdash (—) lalo na sa dialogues. Maglalagay lang ng emdash kapag naputol yung dialogue, like in the middle of the dialogue. Kung new sentence naman yun, kahit 'wag na. Just put a tag na "dagdag pa nito/ habol pa niya" and the likes.

Kapag din new speaker, i-next paragraph na natin. Kahit isang linya lang yan, basta iba na yung nagsalita o kaya nalipat sa iba yung topic.

• Shortcut words

Kahit nag-sho-shortcut tayo ng mga words, dapat nandoon parin yung mga punctuations na dapat lang na nilalagay.

> di - hindi / 'di
> wag - huwag / 'wag
> don - doon
> pag - kapag / 'pag
> andito - nandito
> ganto - ganito
> nasan - nasaan
> andyan - nandiyan / nandyan

That is just some of them. Some might say na kaartehan lang 'to pero it's the proper.

• Words with prefix

Use dash in between the prefix and rootword lalo na kung ang rootword ay nag-uumpisa sa vowel at ang prefix naman ay nagtatapos sa consonant.

> Nag-aral
> Pag-usapan
> Mag-enjoy
> Pag-uwi
> Nag-aadjust

Kapag naman yung rootword ay nag-uumpisa sa consonant, walang space in between or basta same na consonant or vowel ang simula ng rootword at end ng prefix. One word lang non.

> Iniangat (same vowel - ini & angat)
> Pagkabigla (consonant - pagka & bigla)
> Nagpapalakpak
> Paghampas

• Mga inuulit-ulit na salita

Kailan may dash in between words na nirerepeat plus may prefix.

> Tumatango-tango
> Maglakad-lakad
> Magpaligoy-ligoy
> Mahaba-haba

• Clarifications

Heto yung mga words na hindi ko alam. They sounded like a dialect. Please correct me if I am wrong.

> Maalin
- Maalin sa sasabihin mo yung totoo sa kanila or magsisinungaling ka sa kanila?

Or better
- Sasabihin mo ba yung totoo sa kanila or magsisinungaling ka?

> Napunta
- Napunta ako sa park.

Or better
- Nagpunta ako sa park.

Also, pati sa grammar. May mga nakita akong mga minimal errors. I suggest na reread lang before publishing para atleast naitatama 'yung mga 'yon

• Capitalization of Kinship Terms

So itong mga kinship terms na 'to yung mga ate, kuya, mama, daddy.

Si Kuya nalang ー kapag yung term is nagpepertain lang sa iisang tao (as in automatic na siya agad yung tinutukoy), capitalize.

Usually sa mga dialogues, capitalize ang mga 'yan dahil nakapoint sa specific na tao naman yung term ー "Good morning Mom and Dad."

Unless yung term ay sinusundan ng possesive noun (niya, ko, my, their) ー Ang gwapo ng kuya mo. He is like your father.

This also applies sa ibang terms like ma'am, sir, doc, and etc. Also, Pilipinas and Saturday are capitalized. Proper nouns.

vii. Final Thoughts

The story is great. May pagkagasgas siya pero may kakayahan pa rin itong magstand out sa iba. It's very heartbreaking and sorrowful and I think na maraming makakarelate nito. Improve lang tayo when it comes sa writing style kasi 'yon talaga yung nagdadala sa kwento. The more na maganda at maayos yung form of writing natin, the more na magiging smooth at hassle-free sa mga readers yung pagbabasa.

Ang maipapayo ko lang is reread before publishing. Ianalyze muna ng mabuti ang bawat sentences and paragraphs. Make it a habit. I swear, masarap sa feeling kapag naitatama mo yung mga mali mo. Doon mo nalalaman kung natututo ka ba talaga.

ー ♡ ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ ♡ ー

Hey! Thank you so much for trusting me. Sana may naitulong ako sa 'yo kahit papaano. I'm not feeling well kaya pasensya na kung medyo magulo ang mga explanation and such. But kung may question ka, feel free to comment them down. Godbless you and never stop writing. Stay healthy and safe as always!

Note: Hope you won't forget the remaining payments.