Reminders:

↝ This is unedited so please excuse the errors that you will definitely meet as you read.

↝ Lahat ng mababasa mo dito ay opinyon ko lamang patungkol sa gawa mo. They are subjective but there are also parts na objective.

↝ Make sure to do all of the payments for this. I trust you.

↝ Feel free to correct me if I have said something wrong.

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In the Night

written by persephyx

Genre: Short Story
Language: English

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i. Book Cover

Medyo magulo ang labas ng cover mo. Madumi. Walang nabubuong atmosphere. Hindi mo masabi kung dark ba yung cover o light. I suggest na ichange yung mismong image. Build an atmosphere by using colors. Then make sure na yung text is visible. Choose the right color na babagay doon sa image. As you see, hindi masyadong kita yung title lalo na yung username mo and that's because the color that you used. If the image is dark, medyo light ang text natin para kita.

ii. Story Title

So the title give this chilly vibes, dark feeling. Tunog Mystery/Thriller. Sapat na ito para makakuha ng atensyon ng mga mambabasa. Bagay din ito sa mismong kwento. Overall, ayos ito. Wala akong nakikitang problema sa title mo.

iii. Story Description

I was wondering if you wrote that description in that format on purpose. Yung tipong parang tula. Kasi kung titignan, pwedeng iisang sentence lang yung buong description. Pero if on purpose ang pagkagawa, it should be like this:

In that lonely night,
she never thought her life would turn into something (what? kulang).

(Less space)

Wala namang problema if you want to keep it that way. Just make sure na alam mo yung nilabag mo sa English Grammar (punctuation). Pwede mong magamit yung poetic license wherein pwede kang maglabag ng rule sa English pero dapat alam mo kung ano yung nilabag mo.

When it comes sa content, very inviting and intriguing. Simple pero ang lakas ng hatak. Dala-dala niya yung misteryong pinoproject ng title. It is not misleading and it perfectly supports that title. Great job!

iv. Prologue

Wala nito since one-shot ang kwento.

v. Characterization

No problem with this one. Siguro dahil one-shot lang 'to kaya wala ka talagang masyadong mapo-point na mali. Pero kahit ganoon you still explained the situation of the character well. Naipakilala mo pa rin ng mahusay yung title. Dama ko yung loneliness niya. Her thoughts are also on point. Walang kahina-hinala. Even yung character nung ate niya, ayos din. Then here comes the vampire. He really did sound like one. Nice work!

vi. Writing Style

→ Dialogues and Narration

Kakaunti lang ang dialogue sa kwento. Hindi man siguro sila lalampas ng lima. Napaka-effective nung linyahan nung bampira. Pati yung line nung ate niya, nananampal hahaha! Minor problem lang sa dialogue tag. Ito yung rule na kung saan kapag yung dialogue ay nagtatapos sa '!' o '?,' small letter pa rin ang kasunod.

“Dialogue!” tag.
“Dialogue?” tag.

Other than that, wala na. Mukhang alam mo na naman kung paano gawin yung ibang rules.

Next is narration. More on narration ang kwento at ang tendency kapag ganito ay nakakabored basahin. Pero sa gawa mo, hindi ako nabored. Ang ganda ng pagkakanarrate mo ng mga bagay-bagay. Punong-puno ng emosyon to think na English pa ang gamit mo.

Maayos din ang flow though I suggest na iwasan yung parehas yung umpisa ng magkasunod na paragraph. Yung tipong 'I' yung umpisa ng magkasunod na paragraph. Nakasuya din kasi yun. Paulit-ulit at medyo disturbing din sa mata. Pwede mo namang ichange yung format or shuffle the words.

→ Language

Malinis. You have a very wide vocabulary. Walang paulit-ulit na mga salita. Recheck lang natin kasi may isang mali sa capitalization. Pero walang seryosong problema. Ayos lang naman yung mga mali-mali na 'yon. Natural lang yon. You just have to recheck over and over again para matama yung mga 'yon.

→ Grammar

You did a magnificent job in this one. Pulido ang bawat sentence. Halatang pinag-isipan ang paggawa sa mga ito. Yung repetition lang ng paragraph starter ang nakikita kong nakakasira.

♡ ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ ♡

Hello, Night! Thank you so much for trusting me with this one. Sana may naitulong ako. Godbless you and never lose hope in writing!

Note: Please don't forget the reminders. Have a nice day!