Reminders:

↝ This is unedited so please excuse the errors that you will definitely meet as you read.

↝ Lahat ng mababasa mo dito ay opinyon ko lamang patungkol sa gawa mo. They are subjective but there are also parts na objective.

↝ Make sure to do all of the payments for this. I trust you.

↝ Feel free to correct me if I have said something wrong.

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The Dead Man
written by revelwanderer

Genre: Romance
Language: Filipino-English

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i. Book Cover

Very minimal cover. Simple lang siya at ayos lang naman. The photo is great. Bawiin nalang natin sa text. First, sana nilakihan mo yung text ng title. Maximize the space. Kung pwede namang dikit-dikit sila, ganoon nalang. Mas maganda kasing tignan na sama-sama yung mga calligraphy style text. Then, the name of the series is missing. Actually, unnoticed. It is too small. Make sure na visible ito para alam ng mga readers na part ito ng isang series. Okay ang placing ng mga text. Name of the series on top, author on bottom and title in the middle.

ii. Story Title

Nakakakuha ng atensyon yung title mo. Actually nung una kong basa akala ko mystery o hindi naman kaya ay zombie hahaha! Very unique ang title mo. You put the name given to the male lead. Hindi siya nakakamislead. Malinaw na malinaw na patungkol siya kay Dead Man. I don't have much to say. The title is enough to make the readers ask questions such as who is Dead Man? Why Dead Man? and etc.

iii. Story Description

I love the description. Interesting! You put the good points. Sinamarize mo yung buong kwento pero you never revealed the highest point of it. Nandoon parin yung missing piece. Nandoon parin yung mga questions. It just makes the readers eager to know more about it.

Some suggestions:

He is cold and soulless. A Dead Man— that's what everybody call him. But as for Rainbow De Castro, he is not.

She made him smile, made him laugh. She taught him how to love. She made him complete. She gave color to his monochromatic life. But loving him lead to her downfall. Loving him made her lose it all.

→ Hindi ko gets yung second sentence ng third paragraph. Please make it more clearer. I think you messed up with words or ako yung may problema hahaha! Nagchange ata ng perspective from Rainbow to Dead Man. I don't know (hehehe).

Play with the words a little more but overall, I am very much satisfied with the description.

iv. Prologue

Hands down. Napakaganda ng simula mo. Ipinatikim mo yung most anticipated part of the story. The emotion is there. It is well executed. It makes the readers hype. I like it though mayroong mga mistakes when it comes sa dialogue tag. Nice job!

v. Characterization

Another impressive work. The characters are very constant. I love the attitude of both of the lead. They compliment each other. I can see the chemistry between them. Gustong gusto ko ang humor ni Rainbow hahaha! It makes the whole story light and fun. The other characters also contribute a lot to the story. They are all relatable. Sobrang sayang basahin ng kwento dahil na din sa mga tauhan mo.

Isa lang ang concern ko dito, yung age ng mga lead. You said na Grade 10 sila and I think napakabata pa nila para doon. I mean, pwede naman sigurong Grade 12 or 11? Sa tingin ko mas magiging realistic sila noon. They are just too young (for me ha). Other than that, wala na. You have a very fun sets of characters.

vi. Writing Style

→ Dialogues and Narration
As what I have said, mayroong mga mali when it comes sa dialogue tags. I can't really tell kung anong rule kasi there are parts na tama naman ang paggamit at mayroon ding mali. Maybe you are just confused o hindi naman minsan ay nakakalimutan lang (check my writing guide 'Be Aware' if you want to learn more).

Ayos ang mga dialogues. Makatotohanan. And as for the narration, very light. You put alot of humor in it. Wala naman akong problema dito. And also, I suggest to put indicators such as boarders or lines kapag nagfafast forward or shift ng scene. This could prevent confusion sa mga readers. Like for example, nakatulog siya tapos yung next scene is next day tapos sigaw pa ni Blue yung umpisa so make sure na may something na pwedeng magseparate sa dalawang 'yon para hindi malito yung mga readers.

→ Language
1. Di - Hindi / 'Di
2. Andito - Nandito
3. Andyan - Nand'yan / Nandiyan

'Yan lang yung mga napansin kong mga contant mistakes. Hindi ko na sinali yung 'sakanya, sakin' yung mga ganoon kasi ayos lang naman. I understand naman na medyo informal ang atmosphere ng story so no biggies.

Also, mistakes when it comes to kinship terms (mama, ma) and yung kay Dead Man. Proper noun si Dead Man kasi yung talaga ang tawag sa kaniya at nakaspecify siya sa iisang tao lang. Same goes sa mama o ma. Kapag yung katawagan ay nagtuturo sa iisang tao lang, write it in big letter. Check 'Be Aware' to learn more.

→ Grammar
Malinis. Wala akong nakitang problema dito. Napakaganda ng flow ng kwento, from sentences to paragraphs. Great job!

♡ ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ ♡

Hello, Lavy! How is it? Sana nasatisfy ka sa binigay kong critic. And also, sana may naitulong ako kahit papaano. Ang ganda ng kwento ng The Dead Man. It is very refreshing. Such a mood maker. I can see na malayo-layo na din ang nararating nina Rainbow. You are doing a great! Continue writing. Godbless and stay healthy!