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sau·da·de

souˈdädə/

noun

:a feeling of longing, melancholy, or nostalgia

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Pinaikot nya ang mata sa loob ng bahay nya. Actually bahay to ng mga magulang nya, na naging bahay din nila ni Chanyeol.

Too many memories lie in this single house alone. Every corner of it seems sentinmental. Ang hirap i-let go. Pero kailangan.

If he really wanted to move forward, he has to move on from things that's binding him in the past.

Hindi nya kakalimutan ang nakaraan, aaralin nya lang tong tanggapin. Hindi nya itatapon ang nangyari, iiwanan nya lang to sa nakaraan habang sinusubukan nyang umusad, habang sinusubukan nyang mabuhay.

"There are a lot of people interested to look at the house. Kelan ka mag-o-open house?"

"Kapag naayos na yung papel ng condo ko."

"Actually about that, I've already asked yesterday. Bukas daw pwede ka nang lumipat don."

That fast. Is he really ready to leave this house? Is it really okay to leave this house.

Tumango sya kay Jongdae saka pumasok sa loob ng kwarto nya. Almost all his personal things are already in the condo he brought. Looking at his room now, it has nothing that belongs to him anymore. Ang nasa loob nalang ng kwarto nya ay ang kama nya at ang maliit na lamesa kung san sya nagsusulat ng kanta noon.

Pero kahit na ganto na ang itsura ng kwarto nya, the familiarity of it remains in him. Every corner of it still look just like before.

"Kyung?" Jongdae went it too. Naramdaman nya ang kamay nito sa balikat nya. "You can still change your mind."

And that made him shook his head.

"Ngayon pa? I already bought a condo unit."

"By the way, about that, the building is famous for its exclusivity, kaya wala ka nang dapat ipagalala sa neighbors mo. I heard only actors and business men lives there."

Thats also one of the many things he was worried about. Dati kasi dito sa village nila, kahit na lumabas ka, houses are atleast 10 meters away, he really doesn't need to greet anybody. Now he will be sharing a whole ass residency with people he doesn't know. Just walls separating them, there will be greetings on the hallways and chances of using the elevator together once in a while—those once in a while terrifies him.

Other people terrifies him.

What if they read the newspaper, and he was there, and they are already judging him base on what they heard or read from the news.

What if they are laughing at him inside their head, thinking how crazy he is for trying to kill himself, and how pitiful for surviving instead.

Nakakatakot. People's mind is scary as fuck. The power they hold against one human being, while not being able to see through it. Sobrang nakakatakot.

"Stop overthinking things, mag pahinga ka na. I'll schedule an open house tomorrow."

Katatapos lang nila mag dinner ni Jongdae. Kulang nalang dito matulog ang manager nya. When they were eating earlier, akala mo gusto pa syang subuan ni Jongdae. Really, this guy has a motherhood syndrome (if there's even a thing like that). Pagupo nya sa kama, natawa pa sya dahil hindi pa rin umaalis si Jongdae sa loob ng kwarto nya.

"What? Don't tell me you wanted to tuck me in."

Jongdae snickered at him, bago ito umiling at lumabas ng kwarto nya.

He's just wishing to lead a normal life, is it too much to ask?

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So this is where he's living from now on.

Pagkagising nya, agad siyang nagpunta sa bagong condo at hinayaan na si Jongdae na magasikaso ng open house nya. Partly because Jongdae insisted to handle everything and because he really can't deal with people right now.

Everything is fine. The interior was great, the view outside is amazing and did he mention it was on the 15th floor. Han river sparkles as the sunlight hit the surface of the water. He can see everything here. It was nice. The room was modified to look exactly like the one in the house. Para daw mabilis syang makapag-adjust sa bagong bahay. It was also an advice made by his doctor.

Really, for once he felt like everythings going exactly like how he wanted it to be. It was so calm, he can't keep himself from thinking that it might be a calm before the storm.

Then an idea popped inside his head.

He took the notebook and the pen on top of his desk, sat on the couch near the window and started scribbling words. Not sentences, not lines, just words.

Dati, kapag wala silang magawa parehas ni Jongin, they used to play a game, a word war game. Palawakan sila ng vocabulary. Of course he always end up the loser, the guy knew adjectives from different languages, words he never heard before, and Jongin will explain it as if he's performing magic in front of him.

Jongin.

Why is he even thinking about Jongin right now.

Binuklat nya ang pang apat na pahina ng notebook at magsusulat na ulit sana ng marinig nya ang pagbukas ng unit. That might be Jongdae bringing in lunch for the both of them.

Jongdae never lets him eat alone anymore. Kahit na anong ginagawa, busy man o hindi, Jongdae always makes time for them to eat together.

Ibinaba nya ang notebook at nag mamadaling lumabas ng kwarto.

"Hi, so how is it?" Tanong nito ng makita sya.

"It's fine." Sagot nya bago umupo para kumain. Jongdae brought out the take outs from the restaurant and they both started to dig in.

"Are you wearing your pajamas right now?" Gulat na tanong ni Jongdae ng mapatingin ito sa suot nya. What? They're having lunch and he's wearing pjs masama ba yon?

"Hindi naman ako lalabas ng bahay so I thought I should wear it already."

Natawa si Jongdae sakanya. This guy, minsan hindi nya alam kung ginagawa lang ba syang amusement ng taong to.

"Labas tayo saglit. Han river's just a short walk. Ayaw mo don, fresh air."

Umiling sya. Nope, there will be a lot of people there. Lot of people means lot of eyes looking at him. He doesn't want that. Before, people looked at him because he's the singer Do Kyungsoo, now people looked at him because he's that artist who committed suicide and has been on the news for almost a month now. It's tiring.

Jongdae talked about how the open house go and how people's impression of the house is really great. Hihintayin nalang nila kung sinong bibili non and they would give it if the price is met diligently. Jongdae kept on talking, but something has been bugging him even earlier this morning.

"Should I retire?"

Nabilaukan si Jongdae sa narinig.

"Really, out of nowhere?"

"Just, I don't know, it's so... different. Hindi na katulad ng dati."

He knew it will never be the same again, he knew there's no possibility of going back to how it was before. So why not just quit. Music was like breathing to him, but not anymore.

Just thinking about singing, makes him suffocated.

"Then why not make it a good different."

His thoughts suffocates him.

Ni hindi nya alam kung kelan sya papabalikin ng kompanya nya sa pagkanta, he doesn't have any schedule, wala syang project, they didn't ask him to write anything. The only thing they said is for him to rest and wait.

And now he's waiting, but he doesn't know what he keeps on waiting for.

"I'm just kidding." He waved the topic off.

Jongdae looked at him warily, but later on decided to just shrugged the topic off too. Pagkatapos nilang kumain, saglit pa silang nagusap saka nagpaalam si Jongdae na aalis na. Hinatid nya ito hanggang elevator kahit ayaw na ni Jongdae. Mukang nasa trabaho naman lahat ng kapitbahay nya, the hallway's eerily quiet and that made him at ease.

Papasok na sana sya sa bahay ng biglang bumukas ang pintuan na katapat nya...

He knew his life is so fucking coincidental, pero hindi nya lubos akalain na ganto ka-OA amg pagka-"coincidental" nito. He wasn't expecting this at all. This only happens in books and dramas and his life is neither of the two.

So why is Kim Jongin standing in front of him right now, wearing casual clothes as if he owns the house right next to his.

"Kyungsoo?"

"Fuck..."

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hi. I just wanted to say thank you to all the people who keeps on messaging me and waiting for me. Salamat guys. I love you all.

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