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\ˈfäs-ˌfēn\

noun

:the colors or the stars you see when you rub your eyes.

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Hindi na ulit bumalik pa ang boses nya. Hanggang sa hatakin na sya pababa ng mga staff. Hanggang makaupo sya sa waiting room nya. Hanggang sa kausapin sya ng manager na si Kim Jongdae.

"Kyungsoo. Snap out of it. Punasan mo yang luha mo."

Luha?

Dinama nya ang pisngi at tama nga, may luha don. Damn it. It slipped down.

Lahat ng pigil na ginawa nya, wala din palang kwenta. Babagsak din pala ang mga yon. Traydor na luha.

Naalala nya kung paano tumigil ang lahat. No, sya lang pala ang tumigil. The music continued, the lights stayed twinkling. Siya lang ang tumigil.

He ruined it.

He wasted the only chance to redeem himself. Sirang sira na sya. Siguro nga tama si Krystal, he doesn't have a career anyway. Kakaunti na nga lang ang taong sumusuporta sakanya and yet he still fucking let them down.

He fucking stopped singing just because his heart can't stop itself from shrinking.

Just because.

Did they see him cry? Sana hindi nila nakita, sana hindi sya nagmukang kawawa sa harap ng ganon karaming tao.

Wala na. Tapos na sya. The image he's creating, the intimidating personality that he's trying so hard to portray, parang bakod na unti-unting bumagsak, parang pader na isa-isang gumuho.

Dahil lang nakita nya nanaman si Kim Jongin.

"Ano ba kasing nangyari? Bigla ka nalang tumigil kumanta. Everyone was so worried."

Did they worry for him?

Naalala nya ang mga matang nakasalubong ng mata nya kanina. Full of pain and anguish, matching his own eyes full of misery.

"Can you still perform?"

Hindi nya alam. Can he still perform? If he's standing right in front of him, can he perform? If he's staring right through his soul, can he freaking perform?

"I... will."

Tumango si Jongdae sakanya. Maya-maya lang, nireretouch na sya ng mga makeup artist. Pinagpalit na rin sya ng damit para sa susunod nyang performance. Pero hindi katulad ng nauna, hindi na sya kalmado. His insides are raging, too many emotions running wild inside.

Funny how Kim Jongin can stir his emotions rapidly.

Ang susunod na kantang ipeperform nya ay Lucky, a song he and Park Chanyeol made. It's a fun song but after the atmosphere he created from performing Scream, mukang hindi nya na kayang i-uplift pa ang audience.

He can't even uplift himself.

So the performance was cancelled, buti nalang okay lang kay BoA na saluhin ang stage nya. Nakakahiya man yung nangyari, nagpapasalanat pa rin sya sa pag-unawa nito. She even hugged him, na medyo awkward dahil ngayon lang din sila nagusap ng babae.

"Don't beat yourself up Kyung. Ayos lang yan, bawian mo nalang 'tong susunod na performance." Paghagod ni Jongdae sa likod nya.

Nginitian nya ang manager. Kahit na wala sakanya ang loyalty ni Jongdae, nasa kanya naman ang presence nito. Ayos na yon.

15 minutes pa syang standby, tatlong grupo pa ang magpeperform. It means there are more time to overthink things, and that's what he's been doing after going down that stage.

Nagulat sya ng biglang magring ang phone ni Jongdae. Kinuha nito iyon at sinagot ang tawag.

"Oh, Baek. Bakit?"

Baekhyun.

He hated how Jongdae's loyalty lies on Baekhyun alone. Yes he did try befriending Baekhyun but he always got rejected. He kept on brushing him off as if he's not worthy of his time.

He was there when Baekhyun went missing back then. Pinadalhan nya to ng bulaklak nang nasa ospital na ang lalaki. Sinubukan nyang magbigay ng mga regalo nung pasko, nung kasal nito, nung honeymoon. But Baekhyun never even try to look at all the things he did for him.

Para siguro kay Baekhyun, hindi naman sya naapektuhan ng mga rejection na yon. But fuck it, trying isn't his thing and rejection is a big blow on his rather bigger ego.

So he harbor this anger that eventually turned into spite. He stopped trying. He stopped asking for Baekhyun's friendship because he looked so pathetic, he can't tolerate the shame anymore.

"So nandito ka nga. Kasama mo si Chanyeol?"

His ear tingled from the sudden confirmation... that Chanyeol and Baekhyun is watching him, not just Jongin.

"Sige, dinner tayo mamaya ah. Tawagan kita." Tumawa si Jongdae bago ibaba ang tawag.

Fuck. So magisa lang syang uuwi sa hotel mamaya?

Biglang may kumatok sa pintuan. Staff yon. Sigurado syang sya na ang susunod na performer kaya naman tumayo na sya. Not looking at Jongdae at all. Akala nya pa naman Jongdae will atleast lend him his presence. Mukang nagkamali sya.

"Kaya mo yan Kyung." Nakangiti pa nitong sabi sakanya.

He didn't smile back.

No one will ever understand him. No one.

Walang lingon likod syang naglakad palabas, with all the makeup artist and stylist tailing him, touching him. Pinatayo na sya sa platform at saka nya narinig ang maingay na fanchants ng mga tao para sa grupo nila Krystal at ang pagtatapos ng kanta ng mga ito.

Sya na ang susunod, it will be a collaboration song with Ryeowook. They will be singing Missing You.

The platform started to rise.

Pagbukas ng ilaw sa stage. People started to go frantic and he knew exactly why. It's not because he was standing there, it was because of Ryeowook.

He tried smiling but he failed miserably.

Sinubukan nyang tignan kung nandon pa si Jongin sa lugar kung saan nya to nakita kanina, pero wala na ang lalaki. He tried squinting his eyes.

But he was gone.

Nagumpisa nang tumugtog ang kanta kaya lalong nagsigawan ang mga tao. Lalo pa nang magumpisa nang kumanta si Ryeowook. The funny thing is when he did sing his part of the song, everyone became achingly silent.

As if his presence is chilling enough for them to shiver. Enough to suck the living happiness out of them.

Like a fucking dementor if you asked him.

Do Kyungsoo is a living torment and pain.

That's what this concert showed him.

Nilapitan sya ni Ryeowook at saka sya inakbayan nito habang kumakanta sila. Ryeowook was even encouraging the crowd to sing along to him.

And they did.

Napilitan? Kailangan? Hindi nya alam. Pero alam nyang hindi bukal yon sa kalooban ng mga taong to. They hated him so why support him?

They probably thought he was pitiful.

Kaya sila sumasabay sa kanta.

Kaya nila isinisigaw ang pangalan nya ngayon.

Kaya sila nagchachant para sakanya.

Kasi siguro napipilitan lang sila, and maybe, maybe he was pathetic enought to believe them. To believe that they are genuinely wasting their voices to shout for his name.

Fuck he wanted to cry.

So when the song ended and when the lights gone off the stage, hindi nya na napigilan ang pagpatak ng mga luha nya, lalo na nang yakapin sya ni Ryeowook at sabihing magaling ang ginawa nya. He was so damn emotional tonight.

Why is he so fucking emotional? Parte ba to ng pagbabago nya? Because if it is then he wanted to thank the new him for letting it all out.

Mas magaan kasi.

The show continued.

After the stage with Ryeowook, he felt so much better than he did earlier.

Nang last ment na at naglalaro na ang mga idols sa taas ng stage, si BoA naman ang hindi umiwan sakanya. The woman kept on talking to him, asking him, conversing with him.

Siguro nga masyadong maaga para i-conclude na gusto sya ng mga tao, but heck tonight he just felt like one. Una, pinanuod sya ni Jongin at Chanyeol, pangalawa the people are supporting him at pangatlo, he met people who are genuine enough to trust.

BoA held his hands like an elder sister when they were about to bowed down to the fans, and together they thanked the crowd for joining them tonight.

Isa pa sa ikinatuwa nya ngayong gabi, hindi na nya nakita si Krystal sa last ment, para yatang may emergency daw at may schedule pa 'tong hahabulin.

Pagkatapos ng concert, agad silang kinongratulate ng CEO sa backstage. Kahit na pumalya sya sa performance nya nung una, nginitian lang sya ng CEO at sinabing bumawi na lang sya sa susunod. Hanggang sa unti-unti nang naging tahimik ang maingay na dome kanina.

Alam nyang magisa syang babalik sa hotel dahil may dinner date si Jongdae kasama ng mag asawa. Pero nagulat sya ng ayain sya ni Jongdae na sumama.

He refused... Baekhyun is a tough case to handle. The guy has the ability to make people love him despite of what he had done.

One of the many things he was insecure about Baekhyun.

Inihatid sya ni Jongdae sa hotel at ibinilin na inumin nya lahat ng gamot sa drawer ng nightstand saka ito umalis para mameet ang mag asawa. He was left alone inside the hotel suite. With nothing to do but to think again.

So after showering (and drinking his meds), he gone off to bed and scroll through social media to take his mind off the idea of him alone. Pero mali yatang nagbukas sya ng non dahil nasa hot trending topic ang performance nya ng 'Scream'.

Tears flooded the Big Dome because of D.O's performance of 'Scream'

Wait... what?

Do Kyungsoo's heartfelt performance brought the crowd to tears

Binuksan nya yon at tinignan ang mga naka-attached na picture. Yes, there are people crying. Why? Why did they cry?

Coming back with an emotional stage made people think twice of D.O: Is he still the bad guy or is he a victim himself?

Mabilis na umikot ang utak nya. Did they see him as pitiful? Is it because he was pitiful? Nakakatakot... kung gaano kabilis na magevolve ang sitwasyon nya.

Sinubukan nyang manuod ng fancam ng performance nya and the woman holding the camera was sniffing, indicating she was crying as well. They wasted their tears for someone like him. It just feels so unrealistic.

Napamura sya ng biglang tumunog ng malakas ang phone na hawak, indicating someone chatted him. Muntik nya pang replyan ng mura ito ng makitang si Jongdae pala ang nag message.

A photo was sent.

Of two people.

'Krystal's urgent schedule was Jongin?' was Jongdae's message.

Then everything clicked inside him. Jongin's diasppearance, Krystal's urgent schedule.

Fuck it, probably the pain and torment he saw in Jongin's eyes are just the product of phosphene messing with his sight. Siguro nga hindi naman totoo ang nakita nya.

Dahil pumunta nga siguro si Jongin... pero hindi para sakanya.

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sehubo