someone asked me if I'm doing fine, i don't really know how to answer it.
UnJoKwon thank you. (ಥㅜಥ)

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mamihlapinatapei 

Yagan noun

: wordless, meaningful look shared by two people who both desire to initiate something, but are both reluctant to do so.

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Pangatlong araw nya na sa ospital, and he has been talking to this middle-aged lady who always come's in and sit down with him every morning and later evening. She's not asking what he felt though, just letting her presence be felt inside the room, with her light facial expression, and enthusiasm when listening to him, he started to warm up to her.

He was sitting down while staring at the window when he heard the door opened.

Akala nya may naiwan ang babae kaya hindi nya in-expect ang makikitang bisita.

"Hey." Jongin smiled as he held up the flowers in his hands.

Took him long enough.

Napangiti sya ng mapansing hindi naglalakad si Jongin papunta sakanya, nakatayo lang to sa pintuan, nakapako ang mga paa sa sahig at nakatitig sakanya.

"What's with that scared expression?"

"Anong expression?"

"I'm not a monster if that's how you see me now."

Umiling si Jongin saka dahan-dahang naglakad papunta sakanya and he felt his stomach churning with anticipation.

"Bakit mag-isa ka? Asan yung mga kaibigan mo?" Tanong ni Jongin. Kaibigan huh?

"Luhan flew back to China, business matters, si Jongdae may mga meetings." He wanted to ask a lot of questions but he's scared Jongin will turn all of those down. Gusto nyang itanong kung bakit ngayon lang sya nakabisita, kung totoo bang sya ang nagdala sakanya sa ospital, at kung hindi ba sya nag hahallucinate nung araw na yon nung nakita nyang umiiyak 'to.

But he's too scared, not to ask, but to hear the answers.

"Have you... taken your wallet and coat back?" He asked, obviously making small talk, obvious na segue lang para hindi sya makapagtanong ng mas malalim na tanong.

"Not yet, I forgot to picked it up when I saw you on the floor."

Parehas silang natahimik dahil don. Right, so Jongin really came and cried in front of him that day. God, that must be the craziest thing Jongin ever saw. The guy must be terrified of him now. Nung nakaraan pilit nyang pinapalayo si Jongin sakanya, ngayon, alam nyang kahit hindi nya to palayuin, hindi na ulit sya lalapitan nito.

Akala nya iiwas ng tingin si Jongin sakanya, but lo and behold, the guy held his gazes back the same way he always do even before. Nung nasa café sila, nung nasa elevator sila.

No, actually these gazes are the gazes he used to wear even before they broke up, even before he had a third party relationship with the guy, it was way before those things happened, it was when they are walking together, writing songs together and just sitting beside each other.

It was so familiar.

"Bakit ngayon mo lang naisip bumisita?" Tanong nya ulit, saka umiwas ng tingin at ibinalik ang mga mata sa bintana.

"It was because you don't want to be seen around me. Wag kang mag-alala, your company hid that I'm the one who brought you here, so you won't be harmed by me." Mabilis pa sa alas-kwatrong bumiling ang ulo nya paharap kay Jongin.

That's stupid. Why is even Jongin smiling while talking about that?

"And you let them hide it?"

"Bakit hindi? Sabi nila, you don't need another issue." Inabot ni Jongin sakanya ang bulaklak na dala nito. "Here, I don't know if you'll like another withering boquet in your collection, pero nagdala na din ako."

Stupid Kim Jongin.

Stupid guy.

"Naawa ka ba sakin?" He bravely asked. Because that's the only reason why Jongin is doing this... right?

"Ano bang gusto mong marinig na sagot? I'll let you hear it."

This rude guy. He always had a way with words.

"Baliw ka." Sagot nya sa sinabi nito. So kung anong gusto nyang marinig, iyon ang sagot ni Jongin, him and his twisted maniac logic.

"Stop accusing me with that, parehas lang tayo."

This guy has gone mad. Jongin should be scared of him now, he should be looking at him with all the pity in his eyes just like what other people has done to him so far, but instead he was throwing him insults, and God, it was a breath of fresh air.

It was good knowing that there was someone around him that wasn't looking down at him with pity.

"You're staring." Kahit na pinuna niya ang pag-titig nito, ni hindi manlang pumitlag ang lalaki, as if he already knew Kyungsoo will notice him staring anyway.

"What do you want to talk about?" Jongin asked out of nowhere. Nagpangalumbaba pa ito sa kama nya, habang nakasandal sya sa head rest ng kama. What does he want to talk about? It's not as if he can just talk freely around Jongin.

"Anything is fine." Sagot nya. It doesn't matter if it makes sense or not, gusto nya lang nakikinig sa mga sinasabi ni Jongin. Jongin is bestfriends with words, he can play around with them, he can throw you a cuss word and can still make it sound really beautiful. That's why he called Jongin, a dangerous guy.

"Do you know the word, Toska?"

Dangerous in a sense that he can make you fall for him just by spending one night in a studio together and just talking. No skinship, just plain words.

Umiling sya.

"Toska is a feeling of longing with nothing to long for." Tumigil ang lalaki sandali, pero hindi pa rin inaalis ang mga tingin nito sakanya.

"And?" Tanong nya, naghihintay ng mga susunod na sasabihin nito. Genuinely curious, not in the word itself, but on how Jongin will explain it.

"The sudden sensation of sadness, without any specific reasons. Yung bigla ka nalang malulungkot out of nowhere. Lately, I've been feeling it a lot."

"Baka naman may na-mimiss ka lang na tao unconciously." Sagot nya saka inangat ang mga mata para makita ang reaction ni Jongin. And he was taken aback by his smiles.

"Baka nga." And his stomach almost fell when Jongin suddenly wink right at him saka ito tumawa sa reaction nya. Gago ata.

He saw Jongin's eyes glinting with delight, saw the creases beside his eyes, saw how beautiful Jongin really is, and suddenly he started to wonder why he broke up with this guy.

Right, dahil masyado syang ma-pride, dahil takot syang mahalin sya ng ibang tao. He once said that Jongin doesn't know what commitment really is, but now he realized that he was the one who's scared of commitment.

Siya.

Jongin always expressed his love for him but he never answered back, takot syang sumagot sa mga i love you nito. Takot syang sabihin kay Jongin lahat ng nararamdaman nya, he wasn't crying for help, he was looking for someone to blame his bad-luck.

He was the reason why they broke up.

He wanted to lean in and kiss this beautiful guy, he wanted to hug him and make love to him, and just love him.

He saw Jongin looking at his lips, and his heart started to thump faster, but he can't just do it. He's scared, and reluctant, and dizzy.

"Kyung."

"Hmm?"

"Do you," Jongin slowly leaned into him and he closed him eyes in return, "know the word mamihlapinatapei?"

And he felt Jongin's lips touching his.

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sehubo