hi anonji 💕

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in·sou·ci·ance

\in-ˈsü-sē-ən(t)s, aⁿ-süs-ˈyäⁿs\

noun

: a relaxed and calm state : a feeling of not worrying about anything

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The first thing he noticed after coming out of his room was the intense look the people inside the hospital was giving him. Habang naka-upo sa wheelchair, hindi nya mapigilang mapansin na lahat ng daanan nila, napapatingin sakanya.

Maybe because he's a singer after all.

Or maybe because he's in the news for ten straight days now.

"Dae, tell me I don't look ugly right now."

"You look exactly the same Kyungsoo." Lumingon sya sa manager na nagtutulak ng wheelchair. He was getting discharge after ten long days.

Hindi nya alam kung anong naghihintay sakanya sa labas ng mga pader ng ospital na to. If he's still even a fucking artist in SM Entertainment. They refused to talk about it while he's in the hospital.

Jongdae insisted that he should be discharge before they discuss it.

Paglabas ng ospital, ang una nyang napansin ay ang mga taong naghihintay sa labas. Some were cranning their necks to see him, some were crying. They are all wearing white shirts that symbolizes his silver ocean and holding blue roses each. Holy shit, his heart wouldn't stop swelling. There were placards up in the air that reads,

»you are loved kyungsoo-yah«

※stay with me, and I promise to never leave you※

◎i miss you so damn much◎

¦always remember to love yourself because we love you¦

He wanted to thank everyone of them, wanted to kiss them and tell them he's sorry for doing what he did, tell them not to cry anymore because he knew now that he's not as alone as he thought he was. But all he can do is to let a small tear slip down and wipe it as fast as he can.

"Get in the car Kyungsoo, now." Jongdae said as the nurse helped him up to get in the car.

"Dae," Lumingon sakanya ang manager ng makapasok ito sa driver seat. "Sabihin mo sakanila, I wanted all the blue roses out there."

Natawa ang manager nya.

"Stop fucking laughing at me Jongdae, I'm hell serious. Gusto ko yon."

"Fine, stop whining."

Tumango sya saka sumandal sa upuan, he remember the flowers Jongin brought when he was just three days in the hospital. Nung mga oras na malungkot sya, takot sya, nagsisisi, nanghihinayang, nagtataka—well basically just confused.

Nung tinatanong nya pa sa sarili nya kung bakit nya ginawa yon, kasabay ng tanong na bakit hindi nya ginawa yon dati pa.

When he wasn't thinking straight, and when he's still in the trance that he was nothing but a disposable plastic toy.

Jongin brought blue roses too.

"Kyungsoo."

"Hm?" Lumingon sya sa manager at nagtama ang mga mata nila sa salamin.

"Are you sure you wanted to meet Chanyeol now?"

Right. Bago sila lumabas ng hospital room nila, pinatawagan nya si Chanyeol sa manager para sabihin na gusto nyang makipagkita dito bago sya umuwi sa bahay.

Chanyeol gladly took the opportunity. Kahit na busy to, he dropped everything he was doing and decided to see Kyungsoo.

The night he woke up, alam nya, nagulat din si Chanyeol sa nakita. He was screaming his lungs out, trembling from too much fear of Chanyeol. Ayaw nyang makita ang lalaki, and fuck he was just so anxious of Chanyeol's presence back then. Naghalo-halo lahat, yung anxiety nya, yung guilt nya, yung despair nya at yung regret.

He was triggered.

Now he's ready to face it.

No more running away, dahil sabi nya nga, he's not the same Kyungsoo anymore. Ibabagsak nya na lahat ng bagaheng dala dala nya sa loob ng puso nya, to just fulfill what he really wanted.

To be free.

The psychologist left a big fucking mark in him that he can't seem to erase. Para syang nag karoon ng isa pang nanay habang nasa ospital sya. Tinanong nito kung ano bang gusto nyang gawin? He said he wanted to be free.

They break down all his worries into the tiniest bit of it, para malaman kung saan ba nagmumula lahat ng hinanakit nya. They talked, and talked, and talked, every morning, every night, everyday he was in the hospital.

Nalaman nya kung bakit hindi nya mabago ang sarili, kung bakit kahit ilang beses nyang sabihin na magbabago na sya, na mag-mo-move forward na sya, he always get stucked in the same place over and over again.

He understand Chanyeol's point. He realized that yes, he was selfish enough to take his life while he still needed to live for the heck of all his wrongdoings.

Mali sya.

So he needed to live to make all his mistakes right.

And maybe add some colors to his life again.

Yes, living may gets hard again. Aaminin nya, hindi sya laging masaya, he will have bad days, and good days ahead. He knew it's not the same anymore but he will strive harder to make a good difference. He may have tried taking his life, but he didn't turn into a monster.

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Huminto ang sasakyan sa labas ng sariling studio ni Chanyeol. Nasa labas na ito, naghihintay sakanya.

Pagbaba, binati agad sya ni Chanyeol. Well he didn't respond back, not because he's still mad at Chanyeol but because he doesn't want Chanyeol to think that he is trying so hard to be okay when he's clearly not.

Jongdae stayed in the car, while he walked with Chanyeol inside the studio. Sa lodge area sila tumuloy para magusap.

It was awkward at first, Chanyeol kept fidgeting in his seat while Kyungsoo just stare at the cup of coffee on the table.

"So..." he started. Dahil sya naman ang nagsabi na sya ang kakausap sa lalaki. "It's been a while."

Tumango si Chanyeol, and he knew Chanyeol doesn't know what to say right now, so he took the cue to start a not-so-small small talk.

"I might have changed a bit... for the better." Kinuha nya ang kape saka humigop dito, bago dugtungan ang sinasabi, "but I'm still the rude me and still own this obnoxious mouth. Kaya please, don't treat me unnaturally Chan."

Nakita nya kung paano iangat ni Chanyeol ang mga mata papunta sa muka nya. Napansin nya rin ang pag-relax ng mga balikat nito.

"Kyung. I'm sorry if—"

"No!" Pagputol nya sa sasabihin ni Chanyeol. "Actually, don't tell me that you're sorry. It's a pretty stupid thing to say right now."

"Sorry—I mean—No, I didn't mean to... apologize."

Hindi nya na napigilan ang sarili, he started laughing, actually, wheezing from seeing Chanyeol going dumb in front of him. It's funny.

"You fucking idiot." He laughed. He's laughing at Chanyeol.

Chanyeol's gaze soften while watching Kyungsoo. Sabi ni Kyungsoo sakanya,wag daw nya itong itrato ng kakaiba, pero that's just an impossible thing to do, after what happened.

Nang mahimasmasan ni Kyungsoo, saka nya lang napansin na nakasandal na sa upuan si Chanyeol at nakatingin sakanya. Not in a fucking romantic way, but much more brotherly, like he's proud of him.

"Thank you." Iyon ang lumabas sa bibig nya pagkatapos nyang makita ang tingin na yon ni Chanyeol.

"Kyung, just remember that even after telling you those things, I never hated you. I may have been angry, but I cannot hate you." Tumango sya. Those are the words he wanted to hear. It was fulfilling. And now he's ready to tell Chanyeol why he wanted to talk to him.

Gusto nyang gawin to hangga't maaga, hangga't maliwanag pa sakanya ang lahat, at malinaw pa sa utak nya lahat ng sasabihin nya. Kaya nilunok nya ang laway na nakabara sa lalamunan atsaka huminga ng malalim.

"I'm not pretending to be okay and I know I won't be fully okay sooner but I'm trying my best. I just wanted to put a closure on what happened between us. Naiintindihan ko kung ayaw mo nang ma-associate sakin Chanyeol."

"Kyungsoo." Chanyeol reached out for his hand and he willingly handed it.

"Yeol, I want to start again... without depending on you, and hurting you, and hurting your husband, and hurting myself. So I won't be contacting you again."

Nalaglag ang panga ni Chanyeol sa sinabi nya. Pati ang kamay nya na hawak nito, nalaglag rin.

"Pero Kyungsoo, I never said I don't want to be a part of your life."

"I know, I'm the one who doesn't want you to be a part of my life for now. I'm not running away from you, if that's how this thing looks like, but I'm trying to find a way to make things better aside from taking my own life."

Alam nya... Chanyeol feels guilty about what he said to him that night. Pero ano pang magagawa ng guilt na yon ngayon? Tapos na, nangyari na lahat. Wala nang magagawa pa si Chanyeol kahit na maguilty sya buong buhay nya.

"Magiging ayos ako, maybe not now but sooner."

Umiwas ng tingin ang lalaki sa harap nya.

"Kung naguguilty ka Chanyeol, then do me a favor. Let this be my first step into finding the freedom that I wanted to find. Hayaan mo kong gawin to, para sa sarili ko."

Chanyeol dejectedly nodded. Kaya napangiti sya, this time, sya naman ang humawak sa kamay ng lalaki.

"And Chanyeol, I wanted to sell my house."

Nakapagdesisyon na sya.

He will be better.

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sehubo