TRIGGER WARNING: IF YOU HAVE SUICIDAL TENDENCIES AND OTHER THOUGHTS AS SUCH. PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN RISK, OR JUST SKIP THIS CHAPTER INSTEAD. THANK YOU.

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cease

\ˈsēs\

verb

: to end

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Kim Jongdae was fucking furious.

Fine. He's guilty, Jongdae almost lost his work because of him. So he silently sit there as Jongdae cried his heart out.

"Do you fucking know why I'm crying?!" Tinanggal ni Jongdae ang dalawang kamay na nakatakip sa muka saka kumuha ng tissue sa lamesa. Tinignan pa sya nito ng masama.

"I'm sorry you almost lost your work—"

"It's not about my work! I almost lost my mind Kyungsoo. Kung san san kita hinanap, muntik na kitang ipa-blotter sa police!"

That's exaggerating it. He didn't get lost that long. Nakauwi sya galing sa hotel ng 10AM. He brought back the note Jongin left with him kasama ang naiwan nitong coat at wallet. Hindi nya kasi alam ang room number nito at ang phone number ni Jongin kaya hindi nya na-isauli.

"Pinatay mo yang phone mo. I can't fucking reach you, I tried calling Chanyeol but he said he doesnt know where you are. Are you mad?!"

Of course Chanyeol would say he doesn't know.

Chanyeol doesn't care anymore and he accepted that. He has been a burden to the guy all this time and it made him anxious and bothered too. He was sorry after realizing where Chanyeol is coming from. Naiintindihan nya na.

And he was sorry to Jongdae too. For getting stucked with him and his stupid antics. For making the guy cry as if he was that important. As if exagerrating the whole thing will make him feel less about himself.

He just wanted to get done with everything, with life.

Hinawakan nya si Jongdae sa kamay. A rare thing for him to do.

"I'm happy Jongdae."

Yeah. He felt that happiness after spending the night in that hotel room. Naisip nyang siguro nga, siguro nga tamang lumayo na sya sa mga taong naagrabyado nya, sya yung taong gustong gusto na nilang i-dispose kasi burden na, pero hindi nila magawa dahil nakakaawa sya, mahina sya, at hindi nya kaya.

After coming up with a simple plan, it made him feel good about himself. He hoped they will be happy afterwards because it may be a simple plan but the results will be extravagant.

"Sorry sa hindi ko pagtawag, thank you for caring, that made me happy."

Jongdae, even though weirded out, didn't ask questions, naisip nyang finally Kyungsoo is maturing enough. Hindi nya lang naisip na, it doesn't take overnight to make a twig into a full grown tree.

"Fine, I cooked you some lunch, kumain ka na. Babalik na ko sa kompanya so I can organize your upcoming schedule."

Tumango si Kyungsoo, he almost said that Jongdae doesn't need to organize anything for him anymore, dahil hindi naman na sya babalik bukas, at sa mga susunod pang araw, kaya lang, nakalabas na si Jongdae sa kwarto nya bago pa man nya to masabihan. Maybe he'll just have to see for himself.

Pagkatapos nyang kumain ng tanghalian, mabilis syang lumabas ng bahay at pumunta sa garage para kunin ang binili nyang gamot bago umuwi.

He's just so tired. All he wanted was to rest. And he knew the only way for him to quench his tiredness is to cease to exist.

Maybe then, he can properly forgive himself, he can also ask forgiveness to his parents once they get reunited. Chanyeol can lead his happy life without thinking about his wellfare, because he's weak, and tired, and maybe a lot crazier than he think he is.

It's his fault.

Tinanggap nya nang kasalanan nya lahat. If he dies today, all his sin will die with him. Jongin's muse will cease to exist, but the princess will be there to replace the muse right? So no worries.

He already made his mind.

Everything will end here.

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Naupo sya sa kama, contemplating if he will write something or just let them wonder why? Should he? Or maybe not, he's not that important anyway. They'll just bury him and forget about him. Alam nya naman na, at tanggap nya na.

Kasalanan nya.

It's not anybody else but him.

Maybe a small letter asking for forgiveness? Right.

Kinuha nya ang notebook na pinagsusulatan nya ng kanta at pumunit don. He scribbled words, simple words, that will probably made them understand.

I'm the one who got tired. I'm sorry.

Sana lang, hindi nila sya sisihin sa gagawin. He did this to himself willingly, all he wanted was them to appreciate him, but guess it wasn't like that. Let him be happy, and don't take this opportunity away from him.

Let him take control, pakiramdam nya, the only thing he has control right now, is this.

He gulp down a big lump of air before releasing it. He took a handful of sleeping pills in his hands, and a glass of wine.

He's ready. So fucking ready. Tinitigan nya ang kamay na punong puno ng puting mga tabletas and he swallowed it, together with the wine,he gulped it down as if inhaling air. As if he always do this on a daily basis. So normal, so right.

He tasted the bitterness of the tablets, but the sweetness of the wine drowned it down.

Pakiramdam nya biglang bumigat ang paligid. His eyes are dropping slowly, unlike his heart that's rapidly beating inside his ribcage. He felt like he"s slowly evaporating, flying in the air, floating in space, he felt himself slowly falling down.

But he's too numb to feel the falling.

Nawala na ang sense of touch nya, his sense of taste, now he's sight goes blurry too. The only thing still working on him was his hearing but it seems muffled too.

With his eyes close, and his only strand of conciousness was his hearing, flashes of faces, laughters, and the breeze of air is what welcome him in the darkness.

Muka ng eomma nya, nung unang beses nyang magcut ng strawberries para sa birthday cake nito. Laughters of his father when he saw them playing with the batter. When his mother let him blew the candle even though it's not his birthday.

When everything was so simple and happy. Nung unang araw silang magshake hands ni Chanyeol. Nung firstday sa school na una silang nagtabi kahit na nag-agawan sila sa kulay asul na krayola—teka, kulay pula, hindi, kulay dilaw? Hindi nya na maalala. Ang naalala nya nalang, yung pakiramdam ng unang beses silang nagyakap pagkatapos putulin ng teacher nila ang krayola.

He can hear it... he can hear the first song he made. The beat of it. The rythm. How he wrote the lyrics to it and made him peaceful after listening.

He can hear the song Jongin made for him, the confession song that made him burst into tears. Naririnig nya yon sa utak nya, habang nasa kalagitnaan sya ng dilim. He can hear it—the sound of clacking shoes on the floor.

Narinig nyang bumukas ang pintuan.

No. No. He panicked internally.

Don't come in.

He should die faster, why can't it get faster?! Please, just let him end this.

The footsteps came nearer, and nearer as his hearing slowly get weaker and weaker.

"Kyungsoo?! KYUNGSOO?!"

No. Go away.

Hindi nya na nararamdaman and paligid, ni hindi nya na naramdaman na na nakaangat na sya sa ere, sa isang pares ng bisig. He can only hear muffled noises, voice, a voice. Who ist it?

He tried opening his eyes, he did all he can to open it,  just a glimpse, he wanted to see it. His ears suddenly lost all the capability to hear as his eyes took everything to make him see.

And he saw him.

He saw Jongin.

He can see Jongin, he can see Jongin's tears. Goodness, he must be hallucinating. He was granted a glimpse, and now everything was getting eaten by darkness, and silence and nothingness.

He is free.

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sehubo