"What are we doing?", you asked while squatting on the ground, Elliot next to you.

With all the strength in his body he held a large garden shovel made of metal. He was barely big enough to hold it up, both hands on the rod and struggled to put it deep enough into the soil to make a difference.

But he had insisted on the big boy shovel. Because he needed to help like a big boy.

They really do grow up fast, you thought to yourself and smiled.

Kyle stood next to you, Matti on his arm and gently swayed him back and forth. The little one was about to pass out, his head rested on your friend's shoulder.

And Kyle smiled like you had never seen before. He looked happy, genuinely. Almost as if this moment fulfilled him.

"Kids look good on you, Garrick.", you joked over your shoulder.

Torn from his thoughts, he looked away from Matti's sleepy little face and instead met your gaze. A shimmer lit up inside the brown.

Flustered, you had to swallow hard.

"You think?", it sounded like he was quite happy to hear someone confirm he was suitable to be a dad.

Even though you had never talked about it as teenagers you imagined Kyle had always wanted kids. You, on the other hand, had kind of stumbled into it.

Arguably, you had always lacked certain qualities that were important to raise kids. Sometimes you had been more than just impatient and irresponsible.

A woman like Kimmy as a co-parent hadn't made it any easier.

But Gaz?

Shit, if he was as good of an example in the long run as he was right now you could see yourself with a bunch of more kids.

"You want any?", you turned away from the weight of his eyes and turned to help Elliot with the shovel instead.

But the feeling just wouldn't stop. The goosebumps just wouldn't fade.

Kyle still stared at you.

"I never thought about it, honestly.", he looked up at the sky, then reached down to pull the hood of Matti's jacket over his head full of hair. "And... I don't think it would be fair to them."

Elliot struggled to push the shovel into the ground. You helped put pressure on it and let him do his thing. Whatever it was he was trying, he didn't tell.

"People have kids for the most unfair reasons all the time, Kyle.", with a sigh, you got up, your knees sore and cold from the dampness of the soil. "You wouldn't be the first selfish person to have kids. And certainly not the worst."

With a hum, he looked at Elliot. His eyes seemed empty, lost in thoughts.

"The military leaves little time for moments like these.", he gestured towards Elliot with his head, then to Matti and finally locked eyes with you. "I'd be away all the time. A stranger to them..."

As if he had said something embarrassing, he looked away again, swallowed hard. The tip of his tongue peaked out between his lips to wet them.

Embarrassingly quick, your eyes jumped to follow the movement. You had to swallow as well, caught yourself imagining what his lips would feel like.

Soft, probably. But somehow you imagined them to be able to offer a seductive kind of harshness as well. A kind of desperation that made people go weak in their knees.

To clear your mind you looked away and crossed your arms in front of your chest.

"If we want something... we gotta make sacrifices for it, innit?", your eyes fell onto Elliot, reminded you how you had to stop being a carefree, selfish prick to not ruin this kids' life. "We make decisions. How much do you want kids? And what would you do to give them a good life?"

Struck by your words, his gaze returned to look at Matti. And if you hadn't know better you would have sworn that there was a kind of longing shimmering in the brown of his eyes.

Kyle really wanted to be a dad. But he also knew that he wouldn't be able to be a good dad while living the life he did at the moment.

Sighing, he looked at Elliot again who had stopped digging and now looked up at him. With a proud smile, he pointed to the ground.

A very sloppy, not so deep hole had opened to his feet.

"Is this enough?", he asked, excited and wiped the dirt off his little hands.

Curious, you bend down to look at it.

"That's... a nice hole.", you said.

Elli shook his head, strands of hair hit his face. Maybe it was time for him to get a haircut as well.

"Roses.", he said and pointed down. "Is this enough?"

Surprised, Kyle's eyebrows lifted.

"You want to plant the roses here?", he asked with a soft smile.

"Yes!", excited, Elli jumped up, ran halfway across the garden and pointed into the house. "We can look at the pretty roses from inside. Dad can look at them from the kitchen."

"That's... oddly sweet.", exhaling, Kyle smiled.

"Yeah.", you nodded, but couldn't help glance at his face to catch his reaction. "They are adorable. A shitload of work. But bloody adorable. You'll see. I'm sure you'd make a great dad."

Again, his eyes moved to the corner of his vision to meet your gaze. For a long, painfully long moment the two of you just looked at each other.

Longing tied your chest. It hurt like a cunt.

Because you'd never be able to process him the way your heart desired. One day he'd stop holding Matti with such care and instead hold his own.

"I'm not sure... if that's an option.", he finally admitted and patted Matti's back to sooth him back to sleep.

"You wouldn't drop out the military for a family?", you asked.

"I think I would. But... having own kids."

Guilt struck you down.

"Are you... infertile?", you asked carefully.

"No.", he said. "But... finding someone to have children with... things are getting difficult. I can't really explain it."