Prompt:: Jongho struggles with body dysmorphia and severe depression. In the past he's dealt with s/h, and after being a little over a year clean, he thinks his scars are shameful.

Warnings:: mentions of s/h, disliked self image, panic attacks, memories depicting gore, blood, crying, mention of medication.

If I missed anything, please let me know on the comments.

The flashback will start with description of s/h. When that bit is over, I'll add this: ੈ✩‧₊˚, so you can know where to skip to if its too much.

---

Jongho sighed in relief as he turned off the lights in the bathroom. Steam coming from behind the shower curtain signifying the water was warm and ready, the male undressed in the dark, closing his eyes over some parts.

Letting another sigh of relaxation flow from his lips, the maknae let the water slip over his body, the tenseness in his muscles slipping down the drain with the water.

Jongho washed his body gingerly, not lingering on any part for too long. He kept his eyes up at the wall, focused on one spot rather than letting his gaze slip over his body.

Even in the dark, he knew where the imperfections were. He still felt shameful.

Why had he not been strong enough? Why hadn't other coping skills worked? Why was he so-

10....breathe....9....breathe....8....breathe....

The brunnett calmed his thoughts as he washed and rinsed his hair. Rinsing the rest of the soap off his body and finishing his shower quickly, he jumped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his body before he could glance at the mirror.

After getting dried Jongho quickly put on a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie.

As the door opened, steam billowed out of the dark room, and the male put on the fan inside to air out the warmth.

Outside the room was just as warm though. It was nearing summer, and Jongho had already been mentally preparing for the suffering of wearing full covering clothes in the heat. He'd rather suffer than let Atiny see his imperfections.

"Jeez, Jjongie, how can you wear a hoodie in this heat?" a voice called from the living room. Wooyoung was sprawled out on the couch in loose shorts and a muscle tee.

The youngest just shrugged slightly. "It's not that bad once you get used to it.." he responded quietly, grabbing a glass of water and sitting next to his hyung.

The lilac haired male looked at the brunett, slight concern visible in his gaze.

"Hyung, stop looking at me like that," Jongho huffed quietly. His brain always thought the others pittied him and his struggles-they didn't, they thought he was one of the strongest people alive, mentally and physically-but he just couldn't get it out of his head.

Wooyoung sighed softly, but changed his glance's expression.

"Jongho.. It's okay, you know that, right..?" the elders words were soft, gentle. Almost as if he was scared to set Jongho off in any way.

The maknae sighed. "I..." he wasn't really sure how to respond. Deep down he knew that, but sometimes his brain was not helpful.

Suddenly a hand reached out to grab his gently, making Jongho look up at his hyung. The elder had this look of pure comfort.

"I've got you, Jjongie.. What's going on in your head?" the words were soft, and Jongho just wanted to curl into the arms of the lilac haired male.

ੈ✩‧₊˚

Crying. Pain. Disappointment. Self loathing. Emotions were high in the small locked room as tears slipped down the male's puffy cheeks and onto his shirt.

The silver blade in his hand a great contrast to his soft skin, the cold metal gliding across. Not digging in just yet, but enough to give the male a jolt at the stark contrast of temperament.

A sniffle sounded as the male finally turned the sharp edge to the top of his thigh, pushing down. He grit his teeth, holding back any loud noises as he slid the blade down in one swift motion.

The wound was open, it had been done. The male watched as blood pooled in the area, his immune system immediately working to prevent any infection.

It hurt. A lot. He hadn't meant to swipe as deep as he did. Tears streaming down the males face even more, he stood and grabbed a small towel, dabbing the wound lightly.

"ouch.." he whinced, more than he had at any other wound. Examining his work, he realized he didn't just break skin. He went through a few layers of the little bit of fat on his thigh.

Enough that he could get stitches-if he had told anyone in time.

The male sat on the floor of the small room once more, his breathing shaky as his tears continued to fall. Eventually, the pain died down to a dull sting, and he grabbed a clean bandage to place on the wound, as well as any other wounds that were open, mostly so the blood wouldn't dirty his clothes.

ੈ✩‧₊˚

Closing the pocket knife and shoving it in his pocket, the male unlocked the door and carefully slid off to his room before his group mates saw his tear stained cheeks.

He was disappointed in himself. He had been going on a month clean. Why was it so difficult for him? Why couldn't he be comfortable in his own body?

No matter how much the male seemed to work out, he always could see the bits of fat around crtain areas. Experts would even say those bits were necessary, as a human's warmth.

But the male hated the way his looked. It clumbed around his knees, and whenever he stood with straight knees he could see the folds. Same with his elbows. His thighs were unnecessarily thick, and it seemed that no matter how much muscle the male gained, he would never lose the fat.

He especially had a hard time whenever the group got hate comments. Comments directed towards him were mostly about his weight or looks.

Deep down the male knew he shouldn't put too much thought towards those haters, that they didn't matter. But it fed the voices in his head, and he couldn't get them out.

Flopping on his bed carefully, the male curled onto his side, burrying under a heap of blankets. He let his tears silently flow down his face, hoping none of his members would come check on him anytime soon.

---

"Oh, Jjongie.." Wooyo's voice was laced with care and worry, his arms gently pulling the youngest into a gentle hug as the male shaked with tears pouring out of him.

Jongho just curled into the arms, letting the sobs rack out of him. Wooyoung just sat there, holding him close and rubbing his back gently.

The elder started rocking back and forth gently, and humming a soft tune. He let the younger cry as much as he needed.

Sobs soon turned to little hiccups as Jongho's cries started to subside.

"Th-thank you, H-hyung.. I'm s-sorry.." the taller mumbled.

"Shhh, theres no need to apologize, little Jjongie. I promise. I'm always here for you, we all are, okay?" Wooyoung rubbed the brunnett's back gently and looked at him with a soft smile. "It actually makes me happy that you find a safe spot in us, to be vulnerable. That takes so much strength, and I'm so proud of you for that."

The youngest looked at his lap, sniffling and picking at his fingernails. He nodded a little to the elder's words, but he didn't respond with any words.

The lilac haired male hummed softly and ran a hand through his maknae's hair. "We will always love and support you, Jongho. No matter how bad it may seem, you're not alone." he whispered.

"Thank you.." Jongho whispered back, still not looking up, but leaning into the hand slightly.

Wooyoung smiled softly and ruffled the mostly dry hair gently. "Now, I bet you're thirsty. Let's get you some water, okay? Do you want your meds today?"

The youngest shook his head no. He hated taking his meds, and really only took them if he was feeling really bad or he absolutely needed to. He didn't like the way he felt on the meds, it was worse than just pushing through his depression.

The two stood up and walked to the kitchen together, Jongho with his head down and wiping his cheeks a few times, and Wooyoung leading the way, holding the others hand gingerly in his own.

The older grabbed a glass and started filling it up with water while the younger splashed water on his face from the sink. Jongho sat down at the counter, and gave a very small grateful smile towards Wooyo, who passed him the drink.

"Thank you, Woo-hyung."

The older smiled a bit more, nodding. "Are you hungry? I can make you some food? It can be a protein drink or a salad if you want." he offered, quickly suggesting the healthy options, so that the other hopefully didn't feel as bad about eating.

Jongho hummed for a second, but then shook his head. "No, I'm okay, thank you, Hyung."

"Is there anything you wish to do, then?"

"Hm.. to be honest.. I wanna sleep-" The taller huffed softly. Crying took a lot of his energy, it always did, which was why he tried not to cry too often.

"Sleep is perfectly fine, Jjongie bear," Wooyo smiled gently. He pat the youngers hair softly. "If you need me, I'll be right down here, okay?"

"Mm.." Jjongie looked down, thinking for a sec. "W-wait.. Wooyo-" he looked up at the male who had been starting to walk out of the kitchen.

"Hm, yea Jjongie?"

The taller looked back down slightly and fidgeting with his fingers again. "U-um.. c-can I.. Can we.. watch a m-movie together..?" he asked shyly. The male didn't think being alone was a good idea.

Wooyoung beamed brightly. "Why of course, Jjong bear!! We can watch whatever you want to watch."

Jongho gave a small smile as they walked back to the living room, Wooyoung grabbing the remotes and sitting down on the couch. The younger sat next to him, leaving a little space between them.

"Hmm, what should we watch?"

"Uhm.. I-i dunno.. You can choose, Hyung.." the youngest said quietly, curling up a little bit.

The elder hummed and searched for something, putting on one of Jongho's favorites, Big Hero 6. He then relaxed into the sofa, watching the movie quietly.

A few minutes in, Jongho quietly leaned his head on Wooyoung's shoulder. Neither mentioned it, but the shorter was internally smiling. Jongho usually hated touch, so him leaning in to be cuddled was not something that happened often.

Eventually, the maknae had leaned into Wooyoung more and relaxed completely, allowing the older to silently wrap his arms around him. Jongho was watching the movie with a small smile.

Wooyo smiled softly at the younger, weaving a hand into his hair and gently playing with the freshly washed strands. Jongho hummed at the touch and still hadn't pulled away, causing the elder's stomach to light up with little butterflies of happiness. He was so glad Jongho felt safe in his pressence, not to mention the sudden contact the younger had initiated.

By the end of the movie, Jongho had fallen asleep, curled into Wooyoungs arms and letting out little puffs of air through cute pouts.

The shorter smiled a little more. "How cute.." he whispered, turning off the tv and leaning back so the youngest could cuddle into him more.

Wooyo didnt even mind the extra body heat, he let the boy curl into him, and eventually drifted off to sleep himself.

--

"Alright, what do we want for dinner tonight?"

6 males stumbled into the house with a bunch of groceries, no one noticing the 2 sleeping boys on the couch yet.

"Hmm, what about tteokbo-" Seonghwa looked up from the kitchen counter to see into the living room, noticing a hand hanging off the edge of the couch.

Walking over to investigate, the oldest smiled softly at the peaceful scene, their maknaes curled up together, Jongho ontop of Wooyoung, both sleeping soundly.

"Hwa?- What's- oh- awwwee," the captain walked into the living room as well when Seonghwa stopped talking, smiling at the pair on the couch.

"C'mon, let them sleep, we'll wake them for dinner." Hwa stated as he pushed Hongjoong back into the kitchen quietly, telling the others to be quiet as well.

---

So anyways-
Uhm
Don't get mad in the comments saying shit like "thats not how depression works!" or "this is wrong!" because it's written based on my own experience, thank you very much!
I just wanted to write something angsty with a fluffy ending and so I decided to write my own actual experience but with the fluffy add on of comfort.

This was just something I wrote as a way to not be bored during my finals, bc tbh smut isn't fun to write in class lol
I am working on the request though, don't worry :)

Anyways, aside from that, I hope you enjoyed!!

~Mingki~