The studying continued the next day. It wasn't something I was unfamiliar with. To be as strong as I am, I was always studying, practicing. I'd worked hard because I wasn't like most of the others, I wasn't like Sasuke.

They called him a prodigy, and that stands true. So when they called me that it was frustrating because no, no I'm not.

I spent years getting to where I am, sleepless nights and endless days. The only way to get stronger is to train and to study. Because knowledge is also power and I wanted to be powerful in all aspects, not just physical.

So I kept up with Kaname's teachings and these books, journals, scrolls. I made sure to engrave the words written into my soul.

But the one I focused the most on was Shoko Koga's journal. Because she was the closest to figuring out the most about this flawed Kekkei Genkai.

But also because Kaname kept this in perfect condition, even when his whole life became a drunken mess.

When he was living in a pigsty he kept this clean and neat. Is it because he never speaks of his past? The only time really was the first time we drank together. "Okay, that's enough of the study part. Come outside, I'll show you the other ways." He stood, breaking me from my train of thought and my reading.

I looked up at him to see that the dark rings that are ever present under his eyes are not as prominent as they were before.

I'm glad to see he's keeping up with the simple self care.

I stood and followed him outside. I thought we'd be behind his house but he continued walking deep into the forest. Still, he didn't stop and didn't speak. I trust him so I didn't either.

After a while we reached a clearing, right beside a cliff.

He turned to me and sat in . . . meditation position? "Um . . ?" I trailed off, looking at him strangely.

He looked at me as if I was tiring him, which made me want to strike him. The hell man? "Sit. The next part is going to be the mental part. Meditation is good for strengthening your mind and soul. And yes, I'm aware that makes me sound like a hippie. Shut up and do it." He grumbled irritably which made me laugh.

Of course that just made him glare harder at me. Whatever, not that big of a deal. I've done meditation. Because I've been trying to accomplish Sage Mode.

Which is hard to do when it takes time.

Time is something I don't really have a lot of.

I got into position and shut my eyes, taking a deep breath. "For now I want you to clear your mind." Kaname's voice was gruff as usual, but it drifted pleasantly in my mind. I did what he said and began to quell the turmoil in my head. Trying to drift into a state of wellbeing.

There's nothing there. It's calm, but it's dark. Meditating was something I could do a little easier in the past, back at the Leaf. Because I did have time and I didn't have much to worry or think about.

I remember it being the most peaceful thing. The blissful state of nothingness that calmed my emotional mind. But right now, it's not calming.

No, in fact it feels unpleasant. An uneasiness formed in the pit of my stomach and I tried to push past it. Come on Miyu. You need to calm down. Focus on your breathing.

As I tried once again to balance myself, a sharp image of somebody flashed before me.

It was Tsuyoshi. Covered in blood. But just as fast as he was there he was gone.

I clenched my jaw, trying to go past, but this time more people appeared. People I've killed. Their bodies broken and bloodied and their gazes filled with hate. They kept flashing in and out of the nothingness, making me twitch and flinch.

From somewhere I could hear Kaname speaking. "Push past it." But even as he said it the screaming started. My hands slammed over my ears as I tried to muffle the awful noise.

From each person I had slaughtered they screamed and pointed their broken fingers at me.

Blood began to pool at my feet. I looked at my hands to see the familiar substance coated.

No. No, calm down, it's okay! I could vaguely hear Kaname repeating his words but it fell on deaf ears as Sasori appeared in front of me.

Swords protruding from his heart.

My own heart clenched in pain as I stared at him. "Your indecisiveness and greed killed me." He merely spoke coldly.

I shook my head, reaching out for him only for his body to turn into clear puppet pieces that fell apart and crumbled. I stumbled back, staring at him with wide eyes.

Hands clenched my shoulders, whipping me around to face my Sasuke, who was glaring fiercely at me. Blood stained his hands and his body was cold.

Colder then I remembered.

"Why do you continue to keep me from killing him?! After all he's done?" I shook my head again, heart pounding madly.

"Sasuke, he-" Huh? At his feet is my brother, from a few years ago. I recall it as him after their big fight before we left. But there's also Karin, Haru, Hawaki, and two shadowy figures. All unmoving and broken beyond words.

The longer I stared the more bodies piled, and I recognized them as my closest friends from the Leaf. Nara. Choji. Sakura. Lee. All of them!

"Wh-what? What happened to them?!" I shrieked, trying to shove Sasuke off and go to my brother and friends. But Sasuke's bloodied hands held with a deathgrip, keeping me from moving.

His eyes which I have always loved to stare into were cold and unfamiliar. They were just so hate filled. "They got in my way." He growled.

I froze, horror setting in. "B-But they're our friends. Your friends. Your team!" I screamed.

There was a nagging and persistent feeling elsewhere, like something was trying to break in. "It doesn't matter. I'll destroy anyone who gets in my way." His eyes narrowed more. "Even you." He released one hand and chidori blazed to life.

I screamed, shoving him away and this time, it worked.

But in the worst ways possible.

I had used too much strength. When I shoved his chest it created a hole and he collapsed, eyes paling like a dead fish.

I cried out, falling to my knees as I reached for him, but there she was. Behind him, in front of me. Smiling as if she were watching something sweet. Her cruel red eyes swimming like liquid.

"This isn't real. Sasori was at peace with me. And Sasuke-Sasuke would never do those things. He'd never say those things. He'd never kill me!" I roared at her, feeling that nagging once more.

She laughed. She just laughed. Her smile widening and far more sinister then before. "Oh, but wouldn't he though?"

Of course not! Despite the thought the words didn't come out. And that frightened me. Did I- do I think Sasuke would kill me if I were to remain in his way?

No! He loves me. He'd never hurt me. Yet . . . I'm forced to recall watching his actions the past few years.

How he'd easily use and discard anyone if it fit the mission. The only thing that mattered was to kill Itachi and avenge his clan.

Would he . . ?

No. No! He wouldn't!

I glared at her and lunged, going for her throat but she merely vanished. I was alone again. No, wait. Behind me! I turned to see my brother. His usual blue eyes devoid of light as he stared at me. "You left me to become this?" He asked.

Fear rose inside me and the sudden urge to cry came over me. But I refused to weep. "No, I-I wanted to protect you. You and everyone." My voice came out weak but I couldn't help it.

My throat constricted painfully making it difficult for me to say that much.

The bodies of my victims came into existence. But this time they stayed. Naruto glanced around to see all of them.

Disappointment showed and it caused a great pain in my chest.

The people I killed stood, staring at me with hateful eyes. And then there were the others. The people I didn't kill. But the ones I ruined their lives because of my actions. Even a broken Keigo stood by his friend. His friend who held his severed head.

So many people.

Men, women, children, the elderly, ninja's, civilians, so many, many people. All of which directed their hostility to me.

Rightfully so.

Naruto looked back at me and he sneered. "This is you protecting me? This is how you chose to do it?!" I couldn't say anything.

My throat refused to let any words escape me. Not that anything I said would have been a good answer. He's right. "This isn't protecting me. This is plain evil." The other me appeared, wrapping her arms leisurely around my brother's neck.

"No!" I shouted, reaching forward but my feet wouldn't move. I glanced down to see that I now stood in a thick trench in blood, arms and bodies intertwined my legs, keeping me from moving. Terror hit me like never before and I looked up to see the other me grinning.

She caressed my brother's cheek, staring intently at me. "It is rather evil, don't you think? You go on and on about protecting everyone, but look around you. Death and the color red is the only thing left in your wake. Face it Miyuna. You're a harbinger of death. A shinigami. A grim reaper. No matter which way you say it it remains the same."

Her hands wrapped around my brothers neck and he shouted, trying to pry them off but they wouldn't budge.

"No! Let him go!" I thrashed wildly but the bodies held true and the blood prevented me from doing much. Sasuke and Itachi formed on either side of them.

Another version of the other me's doing the same.

I screamed and continued to thrash to no avail. The three pairs separated a bit from each other and the blood and bodies are gone.

All that's left is us.

"Hey, Miyuna. Choose. Which one do you want to save?" The one holding Naruto asked.

Eh? Choose? Which one?

"Was that too hard? Okay, how about this. Choose which one you prefer to die over the two."

Eh? No. No, No!

I ran but it was as if I was running in place. I tried to summon my chains, but nothing happened. I had that nagging sense but it was overcome with my fear.

I couldn't reach them. "Me! If I have to choose for someone to die let it be me!" I begged, tears streaming down my face.

She laughed at that. "So the hard way it is. It's okay. I already know the answer. It's the Uchiha."

A scream tore from me but before I could see her kill one of the brothers, a strange feeling came over as something forced its way into the haze.

That's right.

This isn't real.

My eyes flung open to see Kaname clutching me by the shoulders. I was panting and sweat coated me. I was back. Back from my mind.

I glanced around to see that we were practically sitting on the edge of the cliff now. My chains are out and the forest beside us is demolished. Trees are cut down and the earth is dented with many striked.

And there's a faint smell of iron in the air. Blood?

I looked down at myself to see a gash on my arm, dripping the substance. I looked back up to see Kaname sported a couple bruises and scratches on him. But his eyes are what caught my attention.

They're red.

Seeing as I was calm, his eyes returned to their normal color and he sighed, sagging a bit. Blood moved from me and back to him, I realize now it wasn't just mine.

He must have used Blood Release. But he said he'd never use it again.

"Damn kid. What kind of person can't even meditate without being forced into a Frenzy?"

Huh? No, that can't be. I shook my head. "No, I can still see in the Frenzy. Although it's like watching from the sidelines . . ." He sighed, opening his pouch and popping a blood pellet.

"Frenzies are always different. You were lost in your head for so long, then your chains started to go wild. No matter how much I tried I couldn't snap you out of meditation. I knew the Frenzy was going wild so I had to cut your arm."

He pulled out some gauze and threw one to me before wrapping his own arm.

Oh, he has an identical wound to me. "What did you do?" I asked quietly, still trying to calm myself from everything the other me had shown.

I began to wrap up my own injury, waiting for Kaname to speak.

He was quiet for a bit before he decided to answer. "It's possible to force the Frenzy back if another Blood Release user uses their own blood to enter the other's system and overpower it. Basically I beat your Frenzy back into submission before it could go completely out of control."

That's a thing? I had no idea. It wasn't in any of the notes. At least not the ones I've gone over.

Then again I wasn't allowed to look at the jutsu's quite yet. "Oh." I simply said, looking back at the damage I had created.

I didn't use Blood Release. But the Frenzy was still able to do this much despite it. What the hell? What was all of that about? What's going on with me?

"You said you've only had Blood Release for a little while, right?"

I nodded counting the days. "I had it for almost a year now. But it didn't get . . . activated until a few months ago." I admitted. When Kabuto bathed me in blood.

No, even before them, after it was done I had started to get intrusive thoughts. Urges that aren't normal for me. The blood just cemented it.

"You're reaching the upper middle stages already. That doesn't usually happen until fifteen years of living with it. You haven't even had it for a full year." So If I were born with it, it would be normal.

But if it's upper middle, then the highest stage would be achieved in just five to ten years.

No wonder all their clan was wiped out. The madness consumed them without any hesitation. It's a wonder that Kaname is still alive. And he had used his Kekkei Genkai a lot from what I had gathered.

To say it's nothing short of a miracle would be an understatement.

I don't think I would have survived if I was born with it. I'm starting to think I'm not going to survive given it. At this rate, I'll be following the Koga Clan before I can even save the Uchiha brothers. Let alone Naruto.

Forget about the Leaf with all my friends. No. I-I don't know if I can do this.

Seeing my disheartened expression, Kaname sighed, rubbing the back of his head. "I told you. This thing we have isn't any good." I know.

I know. But still. I want to be able to at least beat it down. Just until I complete my mission. That's it. It can consume me after. Just as long as I can save those I care about.

"What were you seeing?" Kaname asked after a long moment of silence. My throat tightened painfully as I recalled everything I had seen just moments ago. From a simple training exercise.

"Those I've killed. Ruined. And-and her. The other me. Asking me which person I wanted to die instead." I admitted.

I feel so defeated. This is going to be a constant in my life and it's going to get worse. Can I handle it?

I can't keep shoving it down but having to come face to face with it only makes me want to curl up in a ball and hide away from it and the entire world. I can't do that.

I have to finish my mission. I have to be strong. But I don't know if I can be with this. Seeing the ugliest parts of myself and having to face the treachery I've done.

I always planned to atone for my sins. I had always planned on turning myself over and taking any punishment they gave me.

Even death.

Because I know I deserve it. For the lives I've taken, the lives I've ruined. I know I must atone for it.

And I will.

But I can't do that if I succumb to this.

It's just so disheartening. I've always felt like if I want to do something, I can do it no matter the hard work it comes with. I've always been able to push past everything that had dragged me down and come out on top.

But with this? It just feels like the more I push the deeper I get into and its clutches on me only tighten.

"How do I keep myself from drowning?" I asked, feeling utterly defeated. I looked at Kaname to see he was staring at me. I think his dark eyes are sympathetic. Sympathy and understanding.

He glanced up at the sky, which remained a cheerful brightness despite the fact that horrors occurred under it just moments ago.

"When my sister discovered she had the Ketsuryugan, everything changed." He began, taking me by surprise.

"She didn't have those thoughts, those hallucinations, and she didn't hear voices. But most of all she didn't feel the need to shed blood. I was envious of her. We all were. At eleven I had begun to enter the middle stage and it had been difficult. I trained to be a ninja and follow the clan, so I used my Kekkei Genkai often. But because of that I was already spiraling at such a young age."

"A few years prior my father had died, overcome with the Frenzy and mind far too gone to be recovered. We had to kill him. My mother and uncle were the ones to do it. My sister was young, but she could have. But she was scared. I was just too young. I couldn't fully use it. So when it was discovered my mom whose mentality began to wane over the years snapped."

"She was jealous because she was too far into the late stages and her husband had perished because of it. Yet here her daughter was. Unaffected. Untainted with our bloodline. My mom tried to kill my sister. I killed my mom that day. But I think I mostly did it to preserve what was left of her mind and put her out of her misery rather than for the concern of my sister."

There was this painful look in his eyes that stared at the drifting clouds. Unable to stand looking up, he decided to look out, over the cliff to the scene below.

He's unable to look me in the eyes as he tells the story. And I understand that.

Because when I let myself be vulnerable, how very little often it is, I can't bear to look at the other person's face.

Because I don't want them to see how weak I am.

And because if I do, I fear I might break.

Kaname and I are a lot alike. This much I know from the couple months I've stayed here.

"My sister had begun her study, and I immersed myself in my ninja way. I quickly climbed the ranks and was a jonin by the time I was sixteen. By then my sister had already begun her work. I'd often stop by as she needed samples and to take tests, but I had always kept a distance from her since her discovery of the Ketsuryugan. I think I might have hated her for it. And she knew this well. Because our entire clan loathed her for being a pure user."

He chuckled bitterly, still staring at the horizon. "But she still wanted to help us."

"Even after we had turned our backs on her. She tried. So hard. She worked relentlessly and was determined to fix us. The longer I saw her work the less envy I had for her. It seemed ridiculous to hate her because of something she was born with. Something she had no say in the matter. And at the end of the day she was still my sister. The one who helped me with my studies, who read me stories, who cleaned and dressed my wounds, and who taught me the basics of being a ninja. While our parents fought with themselves as they lost their minds, my sister was the one to help raise me in their stead."

"Admitting my fault was difficult, so I never did. But I did check on her more. I discovered she had married. And she eventually had children. I'd never seen them, but I wish I could. Then one day, I went to visit only to discover she had been killed. Having given hope to a member of the clan, when it failed, he snapped and killed her."

Pain was clear as day on his face, as he continued to stare off, but it wasn't the forest below he was seeing.

No, it appears he was reliving it.

"I had so many regrets. One being that I never apologized to her. That I couldn't save her. That I, in a heat of the Frenzy, killed what was little left of my clan out of anger. And that I let the others dwindle until their deaths too. The Frenzy killed our clan by killing ourselves. I left my home and resorted to liquor to quell the Frenzy inside me. Numbing myself so I couldn't have a clear enough mind to take over."

His jaw clenched and he sighed, face relaxing as he gazed over at me. "But now, I think my biggest regret was never looking for those kids."

"My niece and nephew. I don't know if they have Blood Release. I don't know if they do, if it's like mine or my sisters. I don't know where they are. But with you here . . . I see someone young in need of guidance. Someone haunted and had no control of the Kekkei Genkai. And I wonder if they need guidance too."

His voice cracked a bit but he continued strong.

"I'm the only one left. Her husband died alongside her. Unfortunately he was there that day. And as a normal person without any combat skills, he was easily discarded. They don't have any family left. And as their uncle, who had never met them, I failed them."

His eyes are cast downward. He seemed to be at war with himself. "Even so, what would I say to those kids? I'm just a drunken old man with no future."

Hm. I looked over the cliff and the greenery below.

"I think it might be awkward, but having their uncle would bring those kids a lot of joy." I spoke, voice no longer filled with defeat as I pondered his words.

He glanced over at me and I smiled lightly.

"Speaking from the point of view of an orphan, we know that adults aren't perfect. But what they probably want more than anything is for a family member to be on their side. I know that I wanted one. Even if they were a lazy drunk like yourself, if they were family and treated me as such. That's all any kid wants. They just want to be loved." I told him, remembering the scornful looks the villagers gave us.

The taunts of their children mimicking the adults. If I didn't have Naruto I might have lost my mind.

It's unbearable.

It hurts.

More than anything I just wanted a family of my own, to shield me away and shower me with love and affection. I wanted a mom, a dad, hell, I would have taken an awkward uncle.

Just anybody. That's what Naruto and I really needed.

"I think those kids would love to see you. They might just be waiting for their uncle to come pick them up and to be a family. I'm sure their mom had told them plenty about you." I continued.

Kaname seemed dubious, but there was something else there. Almost like a glimmer of hope. "Do you really think they'd want an uncle as screwed up as me?"

My smile remained as I met his gaze. "I would." I simply said.

And it's true. He's not perfect, and he has many faults. But he does have a good heart. He let us stay with him, he gave me blood pellets. He's teaching me all of this even though he swore off Blood Release. And I can understand why.

Watching it destroy everyone close to you, I'd swear it off for good too. But he used it. He's teaching me. He's helping me because at the end of the day, he is a good guy.

I've associated people a lot with what I assume is a family. Kakashi is like an uncle, Pervy Sage and Grandma Tsunade are akin to aunts and uncles or even cooky grandparents, Itachi was an older brother who I thought would be closer to a father figure, but Kaname?

Kaname is the actual closest thing to a father figure that I can guess.

I'm not familiar with families. Only from what I've seen. All I really do know is the bond my brother and I share.

But these familial relationships that I do assert with others is what makes up the rest of my knowledge.

And if they're all that, then honestly Kaname would be the closest thing to a father that I have ever had. Faults and all.

He stared at me for a while, before a smile of his own slipped onto his face. Something I never see much of except when I catch him slipping up at dinners or watching the three of us banter.

I think deep down, all he wants is a family too.

There's a warmth budding inside me. "I think I can meditate this time." I told him, the smile still on my face.

He stared at me with confusion. "What brought that sudden change?"

My smile softened. "Familial affection." I simply answered.

He blinked, clearly taken aback by my answer. I ignored it though and closed my eyes, getting into position.

That's right. Hold onto this warmth. It's what has always given me strength. This time, as I delved into meditation, there was no more disturbances. It wasn't blissful, there was still something lurking on the edges, but it was a start.

A start is what I need.