[teri hi baahon mein, panaahon mein
rehna mujhe har dum sadaa]

"Oye? Ms. Elsa? Ttheek ho?" I heard his faint voice and opened my eyes.

"Mhm."

"Yeh kaisa jawaab hai? Lag tou nahin rahi ho." He searched for my hand in the blanket after tracing my arm. "Have you forgotten how to breathe? Why're you inhaling from your mouth?"

I sat up properly and tried to remember whether I brought my inhaler or not, "I need a body treatment." Ouf. My entire body was built of whimpers.

A full body massage is the first thing I'll tick off my list once I reach LA.

His warm hand caressed my cold one and I observed him express words of distress. I watched how his dimple dented his cheek every time he pronounced a certain letter.

I wondered if he was expressing care for me. God knows why I hoped his interminable care for me was exactly what was pulling lines of distress on his forehead.

My mind subconsciously gave him my other hand as I wondered what it felt like to touch a dimple. As if listening to me, they caved in deeper and I came back to life.

Despite noticing his playful smirk, the comforting warmth of his hand made it difficult to retract mine.

It was only when he pressed my hand to emphasize his statement that I realized I was falling asleep.

"You know what I thought of last night?" He retracted all the warmth from me and I frowned.

"What?"

"I thought of how I live life better than you do."

"Sorry? Better than me? I'm very competitive, don't challenge me with that."

"Mhm. My philosophies aren't as intricate as yours, but they're much simpler and go a longer way."

I threw the blanket off my arms and sat straight to face him, "as if."

"I don't go around thinking how watches are a waste of time and that smaller than seconds' time matters so much. But I am smart enough to not waste years of my life pissed at the same silly promise."

The passion in me dropped. I opened my lips to defend myself but spiraling in a gush of emotions, they wobbled as he stared at me with an accusing look.

I bit my lip to hide the rush of agony.

I turned to the road and so did he.

Ya Rab.

If it wasn't to annoy mama, I would've never come here with him. I know he has always always always only wanted to hurt me.

It has been a game for him since day one.

No, not day one.

Or maybe.

Sometimes I doubt if Hamza was ever real or I just imagined a friendship all that time.

Are you not afraid of dying? How can you hurt me over and over again? No matter how nice I act to you, you always go back to your games.

I wanted to say all of that, but for what? That same cycle of blaming each other? 'You're heartless.' 'You're a crybaby.'

"Yea. A silly promise." I repeated his words and let go of every other thought.

He snatched the earphones I was trying to detangle and threw them out of the window.

I don't know when the car came to a halt, he was resisting my beatings and I was halfway done raging with anger and indignation,

But I looked up at the stopped view of where he had just thrown my peace and comfort and was drawing back to go get them until he pulled me by my arms.

His teeth clenched, seething words trying to find an escape from between them, "Will you, for once face your problems alone? This Atif Aslam can only help you avoid them, he won't come and fix—"

"I know that very well Hamza! No one has ever been there for me! Never! You who promised that you'd never leave my side, you've broken me beyond repair. If there's ever been someone there, it's been me and only me! Don't you dare act like a messiah now and teach me lessons on how to save myself."

He looked at me in confusion and I hit his shoulder as remorselessly as possible to get off him. If I could hit him any more, I would.

I noticed how I had no time to go look for my earphones. I looked for my phone but I saw his hands taking the phone away before my hands could reach it.

I gave him one last look, my eyes holding my broken heart and my mouth hanging low at how brutal he could be.

Rage filled me in seconds, as if capturing my entire body, as if every cell in me had anger as its foundation.

I didn't even see between the next few blinks, all I knew was that I wanted to murder him.

Today it's either him or me.

The next time my eyes opened consciously, he was all hovered over me, trying to keep me in place.

"Have you fucking gone mad???"

"Yes, I HAVE. It's over! I'm done hanging around you! I'LL KILL YOU NOW. I need to kill you." I looked around for a sharp item but his grip on my wrists was so strong, I tried to bite his forearm but his hands deftly took both my wrists in one and pinned my jaw down.

"Will you get the fuck out of this animalistic behavior what on the fucking earth? BREATHE!"

My blood boiled like hell's fire as I talked back, until he yelled at me to breathe.

"BREATHE!" continuous reminders.

After minutes of him covering my mouth and me breathing in and out, I got out of the insanity and whimpered at him to remove his hand.

"Ya khudaaya. Leave. Leave my hands."

"Apologize."

??? "SORRY??? What should I apologize for—!" he covered my mouth back and I was about to cry out of the exhausting annoyance when I tried to calm myself. It was the only way to get out of the psycho's captivity.

His brown eyes moved around my calm and silent face. His hand slowly off my lips.

Once I was done boiling and back in my senses, I warned "I won't apologize."

"Oh, I don't mind. I'm very comfortable here." He made himself comfortable right next to me and I wondered if biting his neck, the only body part remotely close to me, would give him any pain.

"Till eternity then." I challenged.

He nodded and shut his eyes.

It took me a while to understand he was calmed by the fucking scent.

I tried to jerk my hands as forcefully as possible but they wouldn't move a bit.

"I can't breathe,"

"I've got a knack for mouth-to-mouth."

"SHUT UP! You're hurting me."

His laughter vibrated on my arm, "As if I'm unaware of these tactics" the glint of smile in his dark eyes right when he opened them, it drove me crazy. I became conscious of the heat spreading throughout my body, smoke fuming out of every inch of me.

"I'm sorry." I uttered, unaware of the reason behind my words. But anger, now, sitting miles away.

He let go of me and got up.

I pulled my seat straight.

My shaky hands grabbed a water bottle and gulped it down.

Cough, cough!

Calmly thinking of it, it was the first time I made it to the end of a panic attack without numbing myself with Atif Aslam.

"So," I saw his look directed towards me, "Would you now like to clarify when was there a time when you couldn't count on me?"

I gritted my teeth, "When were you there for me?"

"When did you ask me to be there for you?"

I held my head in my hands, letting my hair veil my face from him, "I don't like thinking about it. I've not thought of it in years. Even when I call you a waada-faramosh I never think of the why's. I only think of the amount of hatred I have for you. And how I don't want to forget it." I wipe every trace of my tears and look at him, "But not because I don't know how to live life, only because I don't want to be hurt by you again. I'm a lover. I don't have experience in hating. I need to keep reminding myself how terrible of a person you are, or I'll forget it."

"I'm a terrible person?"

"You just threw my earphones away, what other proof do you want? Are you living in a delusion or do you think I'm stupid to not see the real you?"

"So? You think you can keep this attitude with me?"

"SubhanAllah, do minute tum se mera attitude nahin bardaasht ho rahaa, main joh tumhaare poore khandaan ke nakhre bardaasht kar rahi hoon? You guys really think,"

"Jaanam woh khandaan aap ka bhi hai."

"Never. And don't you dare jaanam me."

He claps for me, "Woh khandaan aap ka nahin. Sahi hai."

"Tumhain kyaa main joh bhi boloon? Apne ghar ke baare mein bol rahi hoon naa?"

"Oh, right. Khandaan aap ka nahin ghar tou aap ka hai—"

"—How will I live! I have to live 5 days with a man that I hate and now, because of you I don't even have a source of comfort. Anyone who can pull me out of this for some time."

"The source of comfort should come from within."

I rolled my eyes. "And this is just one thing. Shall I remind you of the many times you've tried to ruin me?"

"Yes, please. Remind me how it started."

"No." I avoided it, "Remember when you made fun of me the morning after that night when you fell asleep in my room?"

"When you were writing that screenplay? I apologized back then, too."

"And then the "I don't care if you kill yourself, it shouldn't be because of me" ouf Allah, let it be at this point. You are a terrible person, why are we arguing over this?"

"Because why would you think like that?"

"Give me reasons not to."

"Mhm?"

I rolled my eyes,

"Okay, but let's cut the root." He took my hand and made me click on something on his phone.

I pulled my hand back and squinted my eyes at him, who shut and threw his phone in the back seat.

Couldn't get myself to ask what that was.

𓆩♡𓆪𓆩♡𓆪𓆩♡𓆪

Although still upset, I treated his phone like mine and played all my favorite songs on it.

The man took five hundred turns, unable to understand the directions but we finally reached a gorgeous site around maghrib time.

"City lights." I heard him and saw his face full of happiness.

"Sarban Hills." I walked back to the trunk of the car and took out a grey shrug from my bag. I rubbed my arms to the temperature while he admired the scene.

"Ab..." I thought out loud, planning the future for us in two seconds.

I lay down on the edge of the view.

Bismillah.

I heard him yelling cuss words.

—  H A M Z A  —

I see a narrow stairway and run down.

Bumping into thousands, pushing and shoving, I reach the idiot.

"What the fuck was that?? Agar abhi tumhain kuchh ho jaata tou?? Yeh koyi jagaah hai aise mazaak ke liye? Mujhe bas lagta tha tum paagal ho but today you really proved me right. Bataao ab! kahaan lagi hai?"

She snatches her arm from me and looks around in anger before turning to me, "kaheen nahin lagi mujhe."

"Achha? Avengers se nikli ho?"

"Yeh kaun hai beta?" A lady in her late forties asks her about me.

Ms. Hercules gives me a pretty smile. I don't know if she's hinting something. I forget what's happening for a moment.

"Hum honeymoon pe hain."

"What?" I instantly interrogate her smiling face. The playfulness leaves immediately and anxiety takes in.

She bounces her hair to gain composure, "Abhi aate hue raaste mein naraaz ho gaye hain mujhse, warna hum tou khushi khushi Hunza ki taraf ke liye nikle the."

I look around to spot the rock she banged her head into when she fell. Because what on earth?

"Yeh tumhaare shauhar hain?" A young girl asks her.

She looks at me, as if waiting for the answer to bloom out of the earth below her feet.

I raise a brow fully invested in her lie, and she nods.

She keeps on making up lies until the crowd around us is lost.

A bunch of women speak to each other in what sounds somewhat like Punjabi.

"Kab huyi shaadi?"
"Kahaan se ho tum log?"
"Tum tou itni chhotti si lagti ho."

A man intervenes and says something to which the women smile,

Ms. Adventures nudges the arm of a girl who translates it for us, "Chacha ji keh rahe hain "yeh sab baatein tou hoti rahein gi, bache thake hue lag rahe hain, le chalo.""

Le chalo?

She smiles and starts strolling behind them until I grab her arm, "What do they mean by le chalo? Kahaan? Kyun? Yeh—"

She leans to me and whispers, "rihaish ka intezaam ho gayaa,"

"Kis ka? What are you saying? Listen if it's any stupidity I'm not coming with you,"

She exhales a deep breath, "Okay you can stay then," she turns to leave and I grab her aside as I smile to the girls turning to see us while walking slow. They blush and walk straight.

"You are my responsibility for the moment and I cannot allow you to do such a big stupidity. Fun fun ke naam mein jab honor killing mein hum maare jaaein ge tab sukoon aana hai tumhain?"

"Mujhe nahin pataa tha tum itne boring ho."

"Whatever. We're not staying with strangers. Sit in the car, I'll go find a hotel."

"They aren't strangers anymore."

"Yes, they are. Go sit in the car before I drag you till there."

She rolls her eyes and walks away taking me lightly.

And I grab her waist and mouth pulling her up and turning to leave, taking her lightly.

She bites my hand.

"GUL!" She yells right as she gets the chance and runs away.

"Kyaa huaa?" They ask.

"Inhain samajh hi nahin aa rahi, keh rahe hain hotel chalo. Kaun bataaye inhain ke Pakistani un bereham goron ki tarha nahin hote. Yahaan ki khaatirdari wahaan ki berukhi se zyaada mashhoor hai. Haina?"

"Nahin beta, aise kyun soch rahe ho?" The lady turns to me, "humaare hote hue hotel chalo ge? Bas 15-20 minute ka rasta hai. Phir dekhna, apne ghar jaisa hi mehsoos karo ge."

"Dramey kar rahi hai aunty," I catch them up, "main tou poochh rahaa tha kaheen lagi tou nahin. Isse bataane mein sharam aa rahi hai."

She hits me, "jhoott bol rahaa hai."

They laugh and pour a bucket of sweet questions on her. At least they would be sweet if we truly were married.

Married. I chuckle.

She stresses out trying to answer them and I laugh at her situation.

𓆩♡𓆪𓆩♡𓆪𓆩♡𓆪

Once in their house, I manage to communicate that we don't want to be a burden on them and we'll leave after taking a small rest.

But they get aggressive at the mention of leaving.

Something about it seems fishy.

I'm not sure if to feel safe or not, but I am sure that I'd feel much more comfortable in a hotel room.

I smile and get up, excusing myself.

"Zaira! Idhar aana."

Over that one sentence, all the conversations come to a stop and silence takes over.

I couldn't care less.

We need to leave. Now.

I inspect the room and hear her coming in, "Yeh bhi koyi tareeqa huaa? Aise kaise bulaa sakte ho tum mujhe bhari mehfil ke saamne kamre mein? Kyaa soch rahi haun gi woh?"

"Kyaa soch rahi haun gi ki bachi, tum kyaa soch rahi thi? Yeh kahaan phasaa diya hai mujhe?" I close the wooden door.

Maybe my anger finally makes sense, so she bites her lip, guilty, "Mujhe lagaa tum bhi before sunrise waala dialogue bolo ge? Baad mein mujhe yaad aaya ke woh yahaan chale ga nahin."

"Before sunrise?"

"Yea! The movie! It's my favorite. That scene where they are in vienna and they ask strangers where to go and the strangers question who they are and the girl says "We are on a honeymoon" and the guy-"

"Oye, Ms. Dora The Explorer!" I interrupt her blabbering, "Why'd you— that makes sense actually, that being your favorite movie tells why you are the way you are."

I say it as an insult but she's so lost in her emotions, she takes it as a compliment.

And my heart thumps at that.

She squeals, "Right? I actually see myself so much in the female lead. Or maybe the male—"

I snicker in delight at the comparison, "Yes, but her tooth is crooked, isn't her smile a little less gorgeous? her hair's dyed blonde, out of fashion... not timeless at least. And her eyes aren't as bright as yours. her brows, too thin—"

Even if she hadn't cut me off, I would have sealed my lips.

Fuck off, Hamza.

There's no way you're thinking so loud.

I can see through the blush she's so damnly trying to hide, "—you notice girls way too much."

"What else is there to watch in a movie?" I lie.

Not wanting to accept that that sappy romantic piece, is from my favorites too.

As she rolls her eyes and taunts me, I chuckle in confusion. From one eye to the other, trying to figure out what on earth is so special about them.

How do we get along so well? Why does life actually feel dull without her? Mere baggeir mar rahe the tum uss ghar mein. Do din aur naa aati main tou dukh mein skeleton ban jaana tha tum ne. Was it that obvious?

I watch her expressions as she's making fun of me, until she slowly realizes I'm studying her and blood rises up her cheeks.

I laugh at it. A raw, heart-wrenching laugh.

"Zaira,"

"Hm?" She looks away and bounces her hair, at which I grow more joyless.

I'm well acquainted with this habit. She remains oblivious to it, continuing it without acknowledgment.

"Kyaa hum—"

"Khirki tou band kar lo uncle,"

I turn around and look towards the window, only to hear the sound of children laughing and running away from the empty view.

I turn around to realise how she's between the door and me, now peeking at the window through my body. Maybe a piece of her cloth was visible. God, that must've been a crazy view.

"Ya khudaaya, khirki bilkul tumhaare peechhe hai, bechaare bachon ko kyaa ajeeb nazaara dekhne ko milaa ho ga," She pushes me, "I shouldn't be in a room with a stranger anyway, my future-husband will mind it."

She turns to open the door but I hold her arm, slightly mad, "Now what? You'll go ask those ladies for a separate room?"

She nods, squinting her eyes, doubting my intentions,

"And what's your excuse?"

She shrugs her shoulders out of confusion,

"Why won't you share the room with your husband?"

The way all the confusion releases her face and she immediately bites her lip, slowly starting to understand why I thought this was a bad idea.

"There's still time, I'll arrange a hotel—"

"Ji nahin, I'll arrange a lie."

"Kitne jhoott bolo gi?" I shake my head at her.

"Jitne mujhe tumhain Pakistan se mohabbat karwaane mein lage utne."

She brushes my hand off her wrist and leaves,

Only for me to stop her a few steps away, "A reminder for you, I sleep shirtless and the right side is mine!"

She turns to glare at me, then leaves.

I close the door and bite a laugh.

Do hi tou kamre hain ghar mein. Doosra bhi iss ne le liya tou uncle aunty kahaan jaaein ge?

[lagta hai yeh kyun mujhe?
sadiyon se chaahun tujhe?]