Two weeks later

I hear people chatting downstairs, the music is loud even from here. We are throwing a little party today to celebrate their last album. They just finished recording it, it's time for a celebration. It's nostalgic, seeing it from this perspective. I know everyone is feeling the same way. The end of an era.

At least, for now.

They had fun, they made memories they will never forget, they traveled the world on and on thanks to their music. They made history. That's why they deserve a first goodbye celebration.

I promised Harry I was going to be with him and have a good time, that even with this huge bump I was going to be there with him. Just that I'm taking my time getting ready. If I walk too fast I get tired.

"I think you're ready." Lou says, she wanted to help me with my hair. I have been so tired lately, I can't even have my arms holding the weight of the curling iron without feeling that I'm lacking air.

"You have magical hands, you know?" I check the curls of my hair. I look really good.

"I know." She winks at me. "I will see ya downstairs alright?"

I nod at her, I still have to get dressed. It has been like an hour or so since everyone got here.

When I finally finish, I walk to Jack's nursery. Martha's in there reading her book, Jack is sitting by his crib biting on a toy. I think I can go and have a nice little time downstairs. I leave without interrupting their little cloud of peace.

Once I'm downstairs I greet some people and cross some family faces. I find Lou and I sit with her and some friends. I feel a bit tired from walking so I ask for some water and sit down.

The group is talking about a time they were in Rome, they went partying and Joe, from staging, got so drunk that called a cab and told the driver that he was staying in a hotel that wasn't the one they were staying. He ended up sleeping on the lobby. We laugh, and they continue telling stories.

I'm focused on the conversation but it's now that I remember that I haven't seen Harry. I look around but his face is not around. Maybe he's outside.

"Have you seen Harry?" I ask Lou, just for her to hear.

"Last time I spotted him he was with Jeff doing shots." She replies, I nod.

I decide to go look for him. First, I stop for a bathroom break and also I stay by the kitchen to grab a bite. Then, I walk outside to look for Harry. There's more people than I imagined were coming.

People look at me as if I was an alien. It makes me feel weird, I do feel out of place, but since I don't know the majority of the people that are here, I decide to not mind them. I don't find Harry out here.

I was about to give up, but then I find Jeff. He looks wasted.

"Hey, hey." I stand in front of him, he has a weird look on his face that it makes me laugh. "You okay?"

"I don't know. Am I? Are you?" He says, his body swings to one side. "Are we ever?"

"Alright philosopher. Let's sit down, yeah?" I say, guiding him to a chair. I sit as well, my feet hurt.

"You're huge." He says without controlling himself. "Like, I'm afraid you're going to explode."

"You're very drunk." I chuckle, he is being far too honest. "When was the last time you saw Harry?" I decide to just ask.

"I don't know. Shots? Pool? Bar?" He closes his eyes. "Maybe the studio?" He holds a burp.

"Well, I better go find him. Drink some water okay?" I stand up with difficulty. I pat his shoulder and guide myself towards the studio.

If I don't find him, I think I will go lay down. My back and my feet are hurting, and the amount of people is making me feel claustrophobic. I stop to grab a bottle of water and then go open the door of the studio, closing it behind me. It blocks the noise from the outside and for that I'm glad.

"Harry?" I call for him, but my voice gets lost in the room. I sigh. Where is he?

I better go upstairs and rest. I do wanted to have a little fun, to be with him and the crew celebrating. A party is not a place for a third trimester pregnant woman. I take a sip of my water, taking a breath.

But just when I'm about to leave the studio, I hear a sound. And I hear it again, it came from the inside of the recording room I think.

Was that... a moan?

I walk inside just out of curiosity. People find the most unusual places to have sex.  But... What would I know, right?

The bottle falls from my hand, splashing all over the floor. I... I can't believe what I'm looking at.

I should have left to my room.

Harry is inside, with her. Jen. His hands are holding her waist, his face is in the crook of her neck. She's touching him, her hands inside of his shirt, she then moves to hold his face in her hands and kisses him, pressing herself against him.

"Yes, just like that." She moans again.

He mutters something but I don't understand it. I feel like puking. I feel every little thing inside of me shatter. I leave, hurriedly. I go upstairs as quick as I can.

I rest my back on the wall once I reach the top. I start crying when no one is around. I feel out of breath. I...

I can't believe this.

I feel my lungs tighten on my chest. I want to scream but I know I shouldn't. I knew it. I knew I was right. I feel so betrayed, he lied to my face and I believed him like an idiot. I...

I can't be here anymore.

I need to leave. Right now.

I go to my room and grab a bag, I throw a change of clothes and the car keys. I don't know where I find the strength but I go to Jack's room and grab him from his crib. He's deeply sleeping, Martha stands to help me.

"Miss Sienna. Is everything alright?" She asks. It's now that I realize that I'm weeping. The tears haven't stopped falling from my eyes.

"We need to leave." I just say, cleaning my tears with the back of my hand.

I go grab a bag for Jack, too. I throw clothes in there, diapers, everything that I can find.

"Why? Is there an emergency?" She follows me, making sure I don't fall.

I don't answer her, I just keep grabbing things and she helps me without understanding anything. We then leave, she helps me walk until we reach the garage. I place Jack on his chair and buckle him up, then I throw our things on the trunk.

"Miss Sienna, please talk to me." She says stopping me from moving. I look at her. I wish I could control my tears but it's pointless.

It hurts so much.

"I just want to leave. Please." I say in a plead.

"I can't let you drive in this state. If you want, I will drive you anywhere you want." She says. I have never seen her driving. She's only our nanny.

But do I have a choice?

I don't want to be here. Or anywhere near him for that matter. I give her the keys and go inside the car. We leave in no time, getting on the road to nowhere specifically.

She drives in silence while I cry. I feel so shattered. He... He lied to me. All this time. Over and over. But this time... It was in our own home.

I can't take this. It hurts so much.

"Miss Sienna. I know we don't talk much apart from Jack's well-being, but... I'm worried about you." She says, I shake my head.

Even if I'm mad at him and so hurt, I don't feel like I should tell her, not her or anyone. I don't have the strength to even accept it out loud.

"Where do you want me to go?" She asks and I'm glad she changes the subject, I turn to look at the road.

"I don't know. Far away." I reply quietly.

"I think I know the right place." She says, and keeps on driving.

-

We wake up the next day in Martha's house. It's a nice house out in the suburbs, she has flowers in the front yard and a little porch that I really like. I have learned a lot about her in just one night.

She widowed a couple years ago, that's when she decided on going back to work as a caregiver, then as a nanny. She told me that she really misses her husband but keeping herself occupied it's a good way of dealing with it. She also told me that she has two married daughters, older than me.

I feel safe with her. I know I can trust her. And she understands me. She doesn't know what happened but she knows I'm hurt, that's enough for her, she has been so supportive.

Right now I'm on a swing chair she has on the porch. I'm just looking at the yard, at nothing specifically.

I feel empty inside. I hold my belly when I feel bean move. I shouldn't be feeling this sad, it's bad for the baby. I have read a lot about having high stress episodes in the last trimester.

But I just can't control it. I really wish I could.

I think of it again and the tears start falling. I don't understand why, why he did it?

Was it because of me? I know we have been only focused on me resting, him working everyday non-stop while taking care of everything at the same time. But I thought we were fine. He said it himself.

Maybe I'm not enough. Maybe he's too stressed with me and this pregnancy going on plus his career. Maybe I'm not the right support he needs.

Or maybe he just needed a quick release. Right now I can't give him what he got last night with her. Maybe it's that.

Or... Maybe he misses being how he was before us. I remember him, back then when I first met him. He didn't really care about anyone, he just wanted it. Sex. For fun. And I was there.

But really, I don't know.

It hurts me too much. Seeing him with someone else it's the most hurt I have been in a long time. Maybe I'm thinking nonsense but... I'm helpless.

"Sienna?" Martha knocks on the door, popping her head out. I clean the tears falling before looking at her. "He called, again."

"What time is it?" I ask her, trying to avoid what she just said.

"Around four." She says.

He's been calling non-stop, I told her to not answer him. I'm not ready to talk to him yet and truth is, I don't even know if I want to. I don't know what I'm going to do.

I nod at her and she nods at me. She goes back inside, I let a sigh out.

When the time comes, I will talk to him. I will listen to his reasons. But there's no turning back for me. I'm done. Even if I love him so much. I'm done.

I'm done feeling pain because of him. I'm done being insecured when I'm not with him. I'm done going around this toxic cycle we have. Our trust is broken. He broke it.

Why did you do this, Harry? Why did you do this to us?

-

A week later

My mom is taking the bags inside of the house. I go straight to sit on the sofa, I'm exhausted. Traveling so far into the pregnancy is so tiring. Good thing Martha came with us.

"Do you want to take a shower? Yes you do!" Martha says to Jack, she then turns to my mom and asks her for the bathroom.

They both go give Jack a bath while I rest.

I'm happy to be here in my parents house. It took me some days to figure out what I wanted and I definitely wanted to be somewhere where I feel like home, and California didn't feel like home anymore.

So, I left.

I haven't talked to Harry or to anyone related to him since last week at the party. I know I have to talk to him eventually but I want to wait. I still feel a million things when I think about them two inside of the recording room.

I took this week to think everything out.

I love him, yes, even after what he did I love him, but I can't forgive him. It's just too big of a deal for me. I confronted him once, twice even and he said to me that I had nothing to worry about. It upsets me so much.

I have come to terms with the idea that he didn't want to break up with me, after all, I'm very much pregnant with his baby, not the best scenario to break up with someone.

Still, I would have preferred that. Not this.

Being hurt by a breakup it's better than being hurt by being cheated on. My chest still aches to realize that he was cheating on me. All this time.

That's why I decided to leave. He broke our home, what I thought was our happiness. I have nothing to do with him anymore, but with our kids it's another story. I will have to learn to separate my feelings from the well-being of our kids. Eventually I will have to accept for him to come see his kids or to take them for the weekend, I don't know. But he has nothing to do with me now. We're over.

I haven't thought about the delivery. It's going to be in about two weeks, but I definitely don't want him there. Not by my side at least.

I'm nervous, I dreamed of having him there with me this time. I think of when I delivered Jack. He wasn't there either. He didn't even know I was pregnant with his baby and I really wished for him to be with me this time. Maybe it's better if I go through it alone. My mom is going to be there, that's enough for me.

And I hate myself for being so naive. I fell so hard with the idea of a perfect home with him. I fell in love with the idea of one day getting married to him and have the perfect family who lived happily ever after. I fell for a dream of growing old together, to be those kind of couples that have so many memories and stories to tell their grandkids.

I hate myself for falling
but I hate him for making me fall continuously.

It brings me pain, it physically hurts on my chest. It hurts my entire body really.

And while I'm sitting on this couch, I realize my legs are damped. I touch my inner thighs and bring my hand up. Oh no.

"Mom! Mooom!" I yell for her to come. No, no. I'm not due for another two weeks. No.

I'm starting to feel dizzy and at the same time, I feel like puking.

My mom comes running to the living room. She's cleaning her arms with a towel.

"What? What happened?" She asks worriedly.

"Mom..." I say, feeling my head fall as I faint.

-

PD: pls don't hate me